Treebywater

Kim-- I don't even know what to say... But know that you and your Mom are in my prayers. She has certainly been through the ringer. Hang in there, and know that we care.

Carleen-- I did not lose my love, I lost my Mom... but I can relate in general to grief, though I would never pretend that I know what it is like to go through what you have been through. For this entire year since Mom has been gone, I have chaffed at well-meaning people's efforts to tell me that 'I will eventually feel better.' The truth was, I didn't want to feel better. I don't ever want to "feel better" about the fact that my Mom isn't here anymore. I have winced at each and every passing day knowing that it takes me one day further from my Mom. And that has been like loss after loss after loss. This is what I think: I don't think it ever really feels better. I think it always hurts. I think that we somehow learn how to live with the gaping hole in our hearts--and yes, even this thought is a thought that is painful in some ways. It isn't fair that life goes on without people as amazing as your Keith was, and as my Mom was... It just plain sucks. And it hurts. You are allowed to hurt. You are allowed to not want to feel better. You are allowed to feel this pain thoroughly until you are able to function around the hole that has just been ripped into your chest. I am so very, very sorry that Keith is gone. I wish with every fiber of my being that he could be here with you giving you those kisses and snuggling with you at ever possible moment. I hurt with you, and though I wish somehow something I say could make things a little easier, I know it doesn't work that way. Do know that you are loved. Do know that when you hurt, we hurt with you. And do know that you are accepted and cherished in all of your feelings. (((((Carleen)))))

My Mom did get confused, but it wasn't noticable right away. I can remember the hospice nurse asking if she had been confused and I was suprised when she said yes. As things progressed, the confusion became more pronounced. I'm not sure if it was because the cancer eventually did go to the brain, if it was from the meds, if it was the toxins, or if it was just the process of her body shutting down. Praying for you and your Dad. I know that the changes that happen so quickly are devestatingly hard.

Thanks for this info, Randy! I know I was suprised to hear the word Tarceva, which I was familiar with because of this board, when my friend Bob was getting treatments for his Pan. cancer. This is another cancer that desperately needs some breakthroughs.

This is so cool! You have no idea what a little bit of mail can do for the morale of our servicemembers when they are away from home.

Oh. My. Gosh. Not an ER issue??? Excuse me?!!!!!!! I am SO SORRY your Mom had to be put through that--and that you did too.

((((Joanie)))) It is ok for you to not have a good day. That is part of the experience too. Come visit me, and I will provide cookies and ice cream and time to play with the cutest toddler on earth, and I won't even try to cheer you up unless you want to be cheered up. (Wish we really could all just run over to one another's house!) Thinking of you and hoping that tomorrow feels brighter.

(((((Karen)))))) It just hurts.... And it is so hard when it hurts and you have to hurt alone. I'm thinking about you.

((((Denise)))) It just sucks... And seeing what our little ones will miss from now on just seems to be an extra hard punch in the gut. Thinking of you, and hoping that you're little guy's birthday is special and that he knows that his grandpa is celebrating with him from heaven.

((((Missy)))) ((((Sue))))) Praying extra hard for you both tonight.

I am also glad you posted. It *IS* important to know that not all hospice facilities and programs are created equally. I think we hear repeated so often, "Hospice people are angels!" "Hospice is so helpful," and on and on that we think that is how it will automatically be... and it's not. My Mom's experience with hospice was fairly positive, but I have said here before that it wasn't the "angelic" help that I had always heard it would be. Thank you for being honest. I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much. We care, and we're here. Keep talking.

Well, I was so proud of myself yesterday--I got transcript, and check, and application sent to the school that I was looking most seriously at to get my M.Div. I asked my associate pastor to do my reference letter, and when I did so he told me that the UMC has some very specific requirements regarding ordination and that you must attend a UMC approved school. Well... my choice wasn't one of those. So... it's back to square one, BUT I have the list of approved schools and I have a couple of decent leads. I wasn't planning on starting classes until at least January anyway. So... there's time. Anyway. Just an update.

((((Cindi))))) You're so beautiful.

I would certainly love a second! But I'm with Kelly--do YOU want to do all that work again? Maybe you could delegate some man-power duties to a few of us (I'm volunteering. ), to take some of the brunt of it off of you this time around.

Lor--Go ahead and have your pity party. I'll be there, and I'll bring the ice cream--but remember how Fay did it? She set a time limit--she could be at that party for only a certain amount of time and then it was time to lace the boxing gloves up again. You know what? I think God DOES give us more than we can handle. But I don't think he gives us more than HE can handle--or we with Him, and our support systems can take on at once. Go ahead and be mad at him and ask him why... He's big enough for it... And use the anger and the 'whys' to push you forward in fighting all this stuff. You have had so much tragedy in your life, Lori. That IS legitimate and it DOES suck... And it ISN'T fair that your little guy is having to go through this, and hopefully the tests will turn out to be something minor. Regardless, just keep waking up and doing what you need to, and we'll keep supporting you. I'm praying that this is nothing. And I'm praying for you, and your son, and your Mom. love, Val

Thanks for the update on that, Karen.

I'm praying, Tina!

I think Carleen and rashid have found just about the perfect way to go about things--an emphasis on NOT giving up, but receiving help nonetheless. ((((Gail)))) Praying for you.

YEAH!!!!!

I'm so very sorry to read this, InCA. My heart goes out to your whole family.

I can't answer your question... but I can give you a hug. (((((Deb)))))

Oh Gail, I'm so very sorry that you've gotten to this point. It is just so hard. I haven't had to be the one to do the telling so... take this with a grain of salt, but I think sometimes in these situations it's best to just be gentle and direct. If he has been deteriorating as you say, there is a good chance that he has an inkling. I know with my Mom she really knew before the rest of us--and in many cases was just letting us stay in our little worlds of denial. And... at the same time, she didn't want it to come either, and we had to have some very direct conversations about the time that she *might* have left. Don't forget also, that as the time gets shorter he needs to know that you are a safe place to talk about these things with. Praying for you, and I'm so very sad with you.

I remember that feeling...

((((((Randy))))) Thank YOU for sharing yourself, and your love for your beautiful wife with all of us. I ache with you today.