Treebywater

I won't say that it gets easier... I think you just find a place for the pain--where it can be there and not take over your whole being. Where you can coexist with the grief, acknowledge it, but still focus on your now. At one month things are still very fresh. Be gentle with yourself.

Me six.

Thank you, Thank you!

Thanks for telling us, Cindi. I'm glad we know to pray for her now. Please let her know that we send her lots of love.

((((((Erin))))))) It does feel like that, doesn't it? Like we're going insane? I think it's because our society doesn't like to tell you what REAL grief is. It's one of our biggest secrets, so we get there and think we're going to end up in the looney bin. You are doing fine, honey. I've thought so many times over the last 11 months, "When is it going to stop feeling like everything is about Mom? Is that healthy?" I thought that and didn't want it to stop, and wanted it to at the same time. I don't know if it's healthy... but I am starting to be able to let Mom have a more normal place in my life. I still think of her every second of the day... I still make "Mom meals." I still wonder every time Carolyn giggles what Mom and her would have done, but somehow everything that happens isn't saturated in the grieving of Mom. The loss of our mother's is tremendous. I think that is a fact I'm just starting to get my head around. You are doing ok. You aren't insane. You are just working to get your head around the idea that a gaping wound has just opened up in your life. Keep sharing with us. love, Val

Thank you, Don for cheering us all on, and sharing your and Lucie's journey with us! Tell Lucie thank you too!

Kim--You said so many powerful things here. And the replies that have followed are equally as thought-provoking. I think you gave us a good way to process many feelings. Thank you. I can also relate to so much of your post. In Sept. of 2004 my Mom went into a 'forced retirement' because Maytag refrigeration closed down. She wan't to retirement yet, and it was scary for her to be out of a job, so that was quite a blow to her, but she was REALLY looking forward to spending some time out of the factory environment, coming to visit us, being there when Carolyn was born, playing with her, travelling all over with Dad. Two months later--TWO MONTHS she was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. So much for that dream retirement, right? It really just is so unfair. And just as you so eloquently expressed, she experienced so much loss even before she/we knew she was 'dying.' She couldn't come when Carolyn was born. She had to wait 8 weeks to even see her little face. When she was born I called her in the chemo room. So unfair. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Thank you for such a good dose of perspective about what our loved ones lost. It is painful for me to think of that, in hindsight... No way to wrap my arms around my Mom and say, "I'm so sorry this is happening to you." But it is still powerful. Helps me not to look just at ME. (((((Kim))))) I'm so sorry for your hurt. I'm so sorry for the dreams your Mom lost. I'm just so sorry.

I'm so very sorry.

((((Connie)))) All of the, "If onlys" are so hard. I wish that you felt better about what happened in the hospital. I'm just sorry so sorry that your Mom is gone.

Wow Randy... I don't know what to say! I will just keep praying.

I really like crispy Pepperoni. But we are also becoming fond of Mediterranean pizza. The crust all depends on my mood.

I'm SO HAPPY to read this!!!!

No, no, no... You absolutely SHOULD have vented here. I'm sorry if I got too advicey. I worried about that from the second I hit 'send' on my reply. It IS hard, and it IS frustrating. Especially when there is a lot on your plate. It's hard to stay patient and be in perspective when it seems like your whole world is chaos, and you are just so worried about your loved one. That is something I very much DO understand. So I will say now, what I should have said in the beginning--I hear you. I know it's hard. I care and I support you. Praying for you and your mama. You ARE DOING A GOOD JOB!

Whether she's avoiding making decisions or not, I wonder if maybe what she's feeling profoundly right now is a lack of control. I don't know what it's like to have cancer, and I don't know what it's like when things are going badly with it, but I can imagine that it would feel like everything was suddenly ouf of my hands and the life was out of control. You've done a wonderful job of advocating, and digging up resources for her. You can't control what she does with them, and you can't control how she feels about them being presented--be gentle with yourself and know you've done what you can. Be gentle with your Mom and remember that this animal is bigger than her, and scary as hell, and has taken pieces of her life away that we, as kids, can only imagine. And one of the things that is wonderful and terrible about caring for our Mom's in this situation is that they are STILL our Mom's. They can still push the buttons, they can still irritate us faster than anyone on the planet. It can be so frustrating going through stress with them and the coping mechanisms we know and... don't always love. (((((Linda))))) You are a wonderful daughter. Just keep letting your Mom be where she is at.

I'm praying, Randy.

Probably more compassionate, but I try to be both.

I'm praying Carleen. I won't stop.

I'm so very sorry.

I know the saying, "Time heals wounds." And I know that there is some truth to it. But what I have experienced lately, is that the farther I get from Mom's death, I hurt simply for the time that she hasn't been in my life. It is the time itself that inflicts the pain... Just feeling so far away. In two weeks, it will be 11 months. I look at that number and gasp, because it STILL doesn't feel real sometimes. And when it does feel real, it STILL feels like it just happened. I know I say a lot of the same things when I post here, but they are the same things that trip me up. My husband's father has been gone for seven years. When I think about the idea of being without my Mom for seven years... Well I just can't even imagine it. How could that even be possible? But my husband is proof that one day it will be. It makes me feel a little better to see what a vibrant part of his life, his Dad still is... But I still can't imagine that time. I don't want to get that far away. It feels like each day that passes I am that much further away from her, and I hate that the rest of my life when I wake up in the morning, it will be one day more. So... time seems like an enemy, and not a healer. It seems like a mechanism that brings me farther away from my Mom. I know that it could be much worse. And I thank God every day for the blessing of having my Mom for 24 years... but most days, I just feel like I'm too young to not have my Mom with me anymore. Anyway... Since things in me have started getting unstuck lately, things are raw, and these are my thoughts today. I figured they might be relatable for others, so I decided to share. For the record--I know that I am progressing through my grief. I don't sit in it all the time... I'm afraid that's what people might think. And I try to maintain perspective... I do. So please don't think I'm stuck, or that I'm not trying to 'move on and be happy.' I AM happy. But the happiness and the continued grief have to coexist. I know Mom wants me to be happy, but she showed me how to grieve more than anyone else did... And I know she would understand why I still cry sometimes. That was a million miles from my topic--but I didn't want anyone to think that I am just wallowing constantly and making no progress.

I've been to two! There was one in a town near my college. The first time I went I went to see the scariest movie that I have EVER seen... It was The Others--taking place in a big beautiful house..... I went home that night to my dorm--which happened to be a big beautiful house, that had once served as a funeral home, and BOY did I have the willies! DH and I also went to one on a date before we were married. My FAVORITE part is the dancing hot dog at the beginning. Is it strange that I enjoy dancing food?

TAnn's courage and strength encouraged and inspired me from the first time I signed on to this website. I'm so sorry to hear this news.

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!

I relate very much to so much of what you've posted. I really do. It's just so hard... Especially doing the happy baby stuff, that should be so happy, but feels so empty knowing that our Mom's SHOULD be there. As for not doing things because you feel guilty without your Mom, I think eventually you will get to a point when you will want to do them because you know your Mom would want you to enjoy them. I say that with a caveat though--don't 'should' on yourself, if you're not there yet. Just know that at some point, you will be able to say--Mom would want me to enjoy going out to eat, so I will. GOSH can I relate to the feelings of inequity with the inlaws... Knowing that your Mom wouldn't have missed precious Ian's Christening for anything, but they can't make time to be there. I have the very same types of issues with my in-laws. It does hurt. I want to smack them, and it makes my anger at them that much more irrational. It hurts. I know. Most of all just ((((hugs)))) It hurts, it hurts, it hurts... but somehow, we keep going. love, Val

(((((Sue))))) Crying with you.

You're one of my biggest heroes, Cindi! Carolyn sends kisses! One for each of your posts!