Treebywater

I have to say, that I feel as though I have been caring for people whom I love who are dying or who have lost or are losing a loved one for over a year now... And it's hard. And I'm weary. Right now, with my friend Bob, I see everything that he and his wife are going through and it brings back so many memories. And it's just hard. I haven't slept well for the last week or so. But I guess I'm really posting because I need some advice about Mother's Day. It's my first without Mom... and when I'm letting myself feel (which isn't often enough, I'm afraid), I'm having some rough feelings grieving her lately. My cousin is in a play two hours from here this month, and I WOULD like to go see him in it. There was a tentative plan with my aunt to meet up with her and her husband when they came to see the play, and all go together. Well... at first it was just in "May." Now they've decided on Mother's Day Weekend... That weekend--especially Sunday is going to be hard for me. The parts that I CAN enjoy with my husband and Carolyn, I want to. BUT... I feel like I can't cancel on my Aunt. This is the aunt that... well, she came to visit RIGHT before Mom died, and I have a lot of really RAW difficult feelings regarding her, and the way she left us.... and Mom thinking I was her most of the rest of her last days on top of all that. I make her sound awful... but you must know I love her. And she has done some wonderful things for me... and she is one of my 'connectors' to my Mom. I am close to her... and I love her dearly. It just seems that if things are going to go badly with her, they are going to go badly in a very big way. And on top of that, I'll be watching her celebrate Mother's Day with HER kids... Do you see how this could be hard? I just don't know how to approach saying, "No... I don't want to do this" when we've had these tentative plans for so long. I don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't want to create a new family drama. But I really don't want to go for so many reasons--the biggest being that I miss my Mom... and if I can't celebrate Mother's Day with her, then I don't want to celebrate it with anyone else's mother either. Should I just suck it up and go and figure it'll be good to get out that weekend anyway? Am I just being a baby about this? Thoughts? (Be gentle, please).

((((Donna))))

Oh Erin.... I could have written so much of your post myself. My Dad is still alive, so I didn't have all of the paperwork mumbo-jumbo to sort through.... but I echo so much of what you are feeling STILL, and I still just haven't found a way to feel through it in the least. I am dreading mother's day too. I just can't fathom it without my Mom. I have no words to make it better. Just a ((((hug)))) sent to you and a "me too." I'm so sorry it hurts so badly. PM me anytime. I am another of the club that lost their Mom concurrent with becoming a new Mom. There's never a good time to lose someone, but that just seems especially terribly timing does it not? And Beth--thank you for your post too..... NO ONE here makes me feel this way, but I have felt for so long that only the grief of spouses really 'counts.' I'm supposed to be over grieving my Mom by now, and I feel I haven't even really begun... My Dad has moved on and aside from brief moments of missing her, is happy with another woman... but I'm still just missing my Mama. It IS hard, and I know your stepdaughter will be grateful to be with someone who loved her Daddy and will let her feel that with her.

Oh Erin.... I could have written so much of your post myself. My Dad is still alive, so I didn't have all of the paperwork mumbo-jumbo to sort through.... but I echo so much of what you are feeling STILL, and I still just haven't found a way to feel through it in the least. I am dreading mother's day too. I just can't fathom it without my Mom. I have no words to make it better. Just a ((((hug)))) sent to you and a "me too." I'm so sorry it hurts so badly. PM me anytime. I am another of the club that lost their Mom concurrent with becoming a new Mom. There's never a good time to lose someone, but that just seems especially terribly timing does it not? And Beth--thank you for your post too..... NO ONE here makes me feel this way, but I have felt for so long that only the grief of spouses really 'counts.' I'm supposed to be over grieving my Mom by now, and I feel I haven't even really begun... My Dad has moved on and aside from brief moments of missing her, is happy with another woman... but I'm still just missing my Mama. It IS hard, and I know your stepdaughter will be grateful to be with someone who loved her Daddy and will let her feel that with her.

Awwwww yeah!!!! Just the kind of news we like to hear!

Awwwww yeah!!!! Just the kind of news we like to hear!

So... What do I write??

Wonderful, wonderful news!!!!

Pammie--That IS quite a lot going on. I will be praying for the surgery and for your family. I hope that baby brings you all a lot of joy, and I am praying for peace in all of your situations.

I'm so sorry, Sherri. I am praying!

Great!!!

The thing is... You will figure out how to let the 'realist' and the 'hope' coexist. They can. They will argue from time to time, but you can keep hoping things for your Dad. Even if he CHOOSES to discontinue treatment, you will find hope. It just takes new forms. You might think that realistically the odds aren't good, but you will still HOPE for him. It's not always a balance, but somehow, at least I found, that both parts of me stuck around. And I could function with both and learn from both. For now, your job is to support the decisions he makes. And it sounds like you're doing that. The deterioration is so difficult to watch. But it sounds like some great people have 'got his back.' ((((hugs)))) to you.

((((Andrea)))). I think it's just one of the things that gets handed to you along with your family member's diagnosis. And I'm GLAD you do research. The down side of it IS the worry, but the upside is, you are an informed patient ready to keep your doctor on his toes. Praying for peace for you and that you are a 90% kind of gal.

LORI'S MAMA ROCKS!!!!! SO GLAD FOR YOU BOTH!

It DOES suck. I'm so sorry. Your Mom has beaten the odds this far, and I'm praying she will continue despite this setback.

I am SO GLAD to read this!

I'm so glad you checked in Mark. I'm glad you are ok, but I also ache for your missing.

So good to hear! I hope your Dad becomes another one of our inspirations here!

I'm so glad to read this too, Kel! You're one of my role models on this journey. Glad there are good things brewing for you.

Gosh I know that feeling for your family. I'm so sorry things aren't going well for her. ((((hugs))))) to you all.

Bob was a little better today. He'd eaten some breakfast, and had gotten up for a bit. Maybe he has another rally or two in him yet... I hope so.

fuel

I find myself facing ANOTHER loss. It's been... how is it possible? Nine months since I lost my Mom. I went to say goodbye to DH's grandpa in December. 2 weeks ago, we lost one of our dearest family friends--one of the best through Mom's illness--during surgery to remove kidney cancer. He had been diagnosed a month prior, and it was supposed to be operable, treatable, doable, and he died in the recovery room. We didn't go back for the funeral because there was so little we could do there, and so much we needed to do as a little family again. Now, one of our closest friends here is slipping quickly. He has pancreatic cancer, and just started a morphine drip and stopped agressive treatment. As of today he's not eating... He's hit at least two of the 'hallmarks' that I remember so fiercely with Mom. I tried to stay positive for his wife--also our very good friend... and say that I hoped maybe he was adjusting to the morphine and I hope and pray that's what it is... But I'm so afraid that we're going down this road again. So soon after losing Larry. And I really still feel like I haven't even begun to grieve my mother. Tonight I see those last few days with her so vividly. I remember all the what ifs and the Is THIS its? I remember it coming so slow, but like a freight train all at once. I have missed her so much lately. Wanted to call her. Wanted to ask her advice. Needed her reassurance. And now I see her at the end again... and it just haunts me. And I don't want to lose another person I love to this demon of a disease. I just can't stand anymore. I hope Bob still has more time to snuggle with Jennie, to visit with Carolyn, DH, and I, and to be "Bob," but I'm so afraid there isn't anymore... I want to be there, but they are hunkering down together and I know that is as it should be, so I will check in often and do what I can. And I'm just so sad and angry.

(((((Don))))) ((((((Lucie))))))

HOW COOL!!!!