Treebywater

I remember loving one of my nurses, Priscilla, and honing in on her voice. I remember chastising my doctor for worrying me with the faces that he was making. Worry lines and "Hmmmmm"s don't go over well with me when already in distress. I remember going from 5 cm. to 10 in about 10 minutes and the nurses not believing me. I remember calling Mom. She was at chemo, and she was elated. I wish so badly she could have been there. And I remember the day after she was born, being given a reprieve and finding out that Andy wouldn't have to leave for a detachment just a few days after the birth after all, that he could stay, but that he wouldn't have any leave time so I'd be going it alone during the days as soon as I got back from the hospital. It was worth it. I guess you were only looking for one thing, huh? Oops.

Kel, This *isn't* a pity party. You are having difficult, legitimate feelings and they just plain hurt. And I Can very much relate. My birthday was very hard for me this year, and I really didn't expect it to be. My Mom had a 32 hour labor and I was delivered with forceps and it was a story I heard over and over and over again. And my discovery that day was that birthdays are as much about the Mom as they are the kid, and it hurt so much that she couldn't be here to celebrate and to remember that day. It could very well be that some of the 'anger' stuff is coming out now. That's ok too. Be gentle with yourself. I'm not sure what 'phase' I'm in at any given time right now. Mostly it just feels like "hurts." (((((Kel))))) We should do some PMs sometimes. I think we'd have a lot in common with our journeys with our Mom's. I wish you a blessed birthday.... even if it's hard, and even if it's not the same, I hope that it is blessed. love, Val

((((Fay)))))Praying!

Ginnie, I don't have any advice, but I do offer my support. I know it must feel very lonely to not be able to talk to your family about this. It's a large burden to bear, even more so when you feel like you're doing it alone. I am praying that you and your family will 'connect' and be able to bear it together.

Oh Teri... I'm so sorry to hear about the progression... and the pain. I AM praying for you. We're here supporting you... Please know that.

sparrow-- I have spent hours... days literally agonizing over Mom's last few weeks. I feel like we got broadsided with the end when it came and there were a lot of really messy family situations. I keep thinking, "I should have realized it was coming and sat with her more." Or, "I should have pushed my Aunt out of the way and demanded dad and I have our time" or (the worst for me) "What if we overmedicated her and we could have had longer?" I can't tell you not to do it, because I know I can't stop myself. I can't even tell you how to make it better. I guess all I can tell you is "me too" and it hurts... but I think somehow we will push through it. Because we have to for our Mom's. I asked my Aunt a few days before Mom died how I was going to survive this, and she thought for a few moments... nodded her head... and looked at me and said, "With the gritty genes your Mom gave you." If you ever want to talk, PM me. Val

(((((((((Sue))))))))) I can hear your panic... let us stand in it with you, ok? We're here.

Cause the Steelers won the Superbowl, baby!!!!!

Brenda, I am so extraordinarily sorry for the loss of your Dad. I can't imagine what you're going through right now. Know that you and your family are in my prayers. Val

Larry, I'm so very, very sorry.

Today you are my sunshine (as long as you can share that title with Carolyn). hehehe. Really, that was sunshiney news all around.

I'm so sorry, Larry. The place where you are is just so hard. Thinking of you all....

I think I read online somewhere that Morphine is sometimes ineffective for the kind of pain that comes from bone mets. Definitely keep making noise until they find something that WORKS!

I am just so sad to read this news.

(((((Lori))))) You are the very BEST kind of advocate. I'm so glad your Mom has you by her side.

Fay--I truly doubt I'll win the lottery... but anything I can do now or later to make your vision a reality, you just sign me up.

((((Mark)))) Leslie was so very vibrant and special. I miss her very much.

((((Tami)))) You'll find her again. You will.

The Steelers... (I so can just see Mom waving her terrible towel from the Steeler's section in Heaven. )

My perspective given my very messed up circumstances: I actually left for the first month after Mom was gone because it was my husband's last month on land for a while... I left with the intention of coming back to support Dad and to be together during the grieving process while husband was deployed. Figured maybe he needed some alone time to sort things out, and that maybe he would need/appreciate the company and help around the house after that month. If I could rewrite history and make it work just so... I would have worked in that month with Andy some other way (because I can do anything when I rewrite things) and stayed here with DAd for just those first few weeks and then gotten the heck out of dodge. I really understand where you're coming from on not wanting to leave... And it's very possible that our Dad's are very different... BUT After that first month... Dad really didn't need me. And he doesn't need me right now. So... here I am in a situation of not being able to go home when I want (because there won't BE a home there until March) and Dad still obvioulsy doesn't need me... I guess what I'm saying is... You've got that marvelous husband of yours to get back to. He NEEDS TO SEE HIS LITTLE GIRL. (Trust me--my husband *Can't* see his right now and it's one of the hardest things he's ever lived through). Your Daddy is going to learn how to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will still be able to check up on him via phone... and he'll know where to find you. Sharyn's idea about inviting him to go back with you for a couple of weeks is excellent. I'd definitely feel that one out. I know it's terribly difficult to know what to do... but I also know that at some point for your own sanity you will want to get back to your own life... Now, I just can't wait to get back to mine. ETA: (As if this wasn't long enough). I think part of my point is that it might be that you will start to feel better when you go back to things there. I definitely think I would if I could go back... And it will be healing to grieve with your husband. I'm finding there are only so many emotions I can go through without mine.... (((((Holly))))) (((((Caroline)))))

((((Sue)))) ((((Mike))))

((((Karen)))) (((((Ken))))) I'm sorry things are looking so scary. I so very much wish that this fear and terror didn't have to be parts of anybody's life, and I am expecially sorry that it's now in yours. You will keep going... and you will keep loving Ken and caring for him just as amazingly as you have up to this point. And when it gets hard, we're here to support you.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with a stroke now too. Many prayers for you and your husband.

Tami, I just wanted to say DON'T beat yourself up for being depressed. Sometimes, it's something we can't control. I think beating yourself up for being depressed is something akin to beating yourself up for getting a cold. You didn't cause this. The fact that you are dealing with it doesn't mean that you don't value your life... it doesn't make you ungrateful. It's just one more thing that life threw your way that you WILL fight your way through. (((((Hugs))))) to you. Praying that you will find some light and hope to cling to.

I don't really know... I know that I can't really remember a time when cancer wasn't a part of my life... Until Mom, it had never hit as close to home, but it seemed like growing up there was always someone special to me fighting it. First a baby sitter of mine had ovarian cancer when she was in high school(she was a lousy baby sitter, but I still loved her. ), then Mom's best friend died from breast cancer and we were very involved with her right through the end. I still remember going to her house after hospice had come in... (And by the way, I do believe they are tag-teaming us now with playful little 'hauntings....') And Mom is the 4th of 7 kids in her family to have battled it. 2 of her brothers survived, and she and another brother gave their lives. I think I'm a lot more careful about what I say now, having been through all the crazy comments myself as a caregiver, and watching Mom deal with them as well. But when Jenny and Cindy and my uncle's all dealt with it, I guess I still just talked to them like Jenny and Cindy my uncle's. You know? But maybe I don't remember.