Treebywater

I had several--creek banks at my friend's house, down by the pond, out in the timber... But I have also been known to wax poetic about the undersides of tables... Wonder if I can find the short little blurb I wrote somewhere. Do you remember how great it was when you were little to play under tables? *sigh*

Oh Larry. My heart just aches to read this... I'm just so sorry.

of a gun

No one has been stupid enough to say those words to me... but I say them to myself every day. I realized today that it's been six months since Mom died. So why does it feel like it was just last week? I can't get it through my head that she's been gone for that long. Six months of my life without my mother? You've got to be kidding me. It still hurts so freshly. As I said in another post, it feels like the wounds are still gaping wide open. Shouldn't I feel some sort of healing by now? Shouldn't the hurt be less? Or does the hurt really never get to be less and you just stop thinking about it more and more? I feel like I haven't even begun to do 'the work of grieving' most days because I can't let myself go fully into the feeling of it. But even so, the feeling that I do feels the same as it did right after she died. I still feel just as much disbelief, and anguish, and longing, and loneliness for her. So should I have 'gotten over it' more than I have? or is this the way of things? Maybe I need a remedial grieving class.

((((Donna))))) pictures tear me up too... Not all the time, but on occasion I'll walk by one and it takes a second to register that Mom's not here anymore. Be gentle with yourself. Some days are gonna be worse than others.

Praying.

Plans don't always go as planned. So plan on being flexible. and in the words of a very wise woman (known as my Mom) GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT!

((((Denise)))) The ache will sweep you over like that... And it's hard. I'm sorry it hurts to much.

I've been meaning to reply to this for a while now... I'm sorry I'm so late. I very much relate. That feeling didn't so much come over me at New Year's (we had so much crap go down at Christmas time and people in our family just kept being hospitalized with chest pains that I was just wanting for 2005 to be OVER already!). But as I posted earlier, that feeling washed over me so strongly as I took down the tree. The season was over... the year was over... and Mom won't be a part of any more year's or Christmases ever again. It all felt so final and devestating. It's a terrible feeling to know that they are now just part of our past. People keep saying, "But you still have the memories." "Hold onto the memories." and I just want to shout, "THE MEMORIES AREN'T ENOUGH!!!! I WANT MY MOM!!!" I do feel that I'm leaving her behind... and when I count up the months since she's been gone I can't believe it. It still feels to me like it JUST happened. It still feels fresh and painful. The wounds still feel open. And I'm afraid to have too much time go by because I want to be close to her. I think it's why I keep going over and over and over different things. Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble on about me, but I did want to say that I get it Kel. And I feel it too. It sucks.

(((((TAnn))))) I'm so glad to hear from you, but so sad the pain is so awful.

I'm so sorry, Beth.

(((((Don)))) ((((Lucie)))) I'm sorry Lucie is facing more chemo, but I hope it is just the thing to do the job. What I will say with Alimta is--If things feel really not good... if there is fatigue and difficulty and side effects that make Lucie, not Lucie talk to the doctor and see if it might be wise to look into other alternatives. Do scans first I guess, and see if it's doing it's jon and then weigh the costs. It seems like when it's good and works for folks it can be gentle and just do it's job, but sometimes the effects outside the 'norm' seem to really mess with a person's system and it's hard to bounce back.

Oh dear... of course you would cry! I just want to smack those nurses, and I agree with Fay. I also agree that perhaps some scans need to be done to find out what is REALLY going on. Seems to me like 'fatigue' could come from a variety of places. I know your Mom likes her Doc and that's wonderful, but even the likable ones need to be kept on their toes. I can totally empathize with the 'meltdown moment.' I had one very memorable one as well.... only mine was... well it was in front of Mom and because of something she had said about my cooking. I just lost it... And I felt so very terrible about it. THAT melt down moment (which just sounds to me like a normal reaction to crappy words coming out of your doctor's mouth) is nothing to be ashamed about. ((((hugs))))) to you. See if your Mom would be willing to press a little as to a reason why this fatigue is happening. And know that you are a WONDERFUL, caring daughter. Your Mom is lucky to have you by her side. Val

(#1 was false for me. Donating blood is a common 'date' for DH and I to go on. )

I want to echo all of Lynne's. You are such a wise woman! For me... There are worse things in the world than deployments (which I anticipated to be my 'big hardship' for a while--now it's akin to one of those gnats... ok... maybe a cockroach. ) Sometimes getting up and putting one foot in front of the other, which has been my basic life strategy, is so much harder than it sounds... but somehow you do anyway. You can always find a way to put family first... People will never understand the way that I want them too... and I just have to deal with it. Little things like--foot rubs with lotion, or a bed bath, or clipping someone's toenails... those are ways to say, "I love you." And when you aren't able to do those things anymore... it aches.

((((eppie)))) thinking about you and your Dad.

Ann--I think one and two are true. 1. I am afraid to donate blood. 2. I am afraid to swim in the ocean. 3. I love to drive pick-up trucks.

(((Janet))))

It's my birthday today (no not fishing for birthday wishes) and I really didn't think that it would be that hard of a day as far as the Mom factor goes... but so far it sure has been. When Dad came home this morning, one of the birthday things he brought me was a card, and he'd signed both Dad and Mom. Mom's best friend Sarah called to wish me happy birthday... and I know she did so because Mom couldn't. And Sarah just plain makes me cry anyway... Even more than Daddy is she is this major connection to my Mom right now. Whether I see her in a store, or talk to her on the phone, or have dinner with her I always end up crying afterwards. And it's good, but it's sad. And then the worst of all... I put together a photo album last night and this morning of special pictures of Mom. And I shared it with Dad this morning. I guess I did so without thinking of how he would really react--and in my defense--he has 'bounced back' so much so quickly that I sometimes forget that things might sting him. He looked through all of it, and then just broke down... then left the room and went outside... He's just about stopped smoking top, but he lit up outside. I just felt so terribly bad... I feel like we have to tiptoe around the Mom issue here... because Daddy doesn't want to think about it too much. But I wanted to share this with him, because, frankly--who else would really care? But it hurt him, and I should have thought of that... I hope that in some way, the pictures were special to him, but I feel so bad for hurting him. So anyway... on with the day, I guess.

cinnamon nutmeg garlic oregano basil I'm still learning what the rest of them are for.... (But I'm telling you I CAN cook!). And hey--what do you do with Cumin?

((((Mark))))) ((((Leslie))))) We love you and many prayers are being said!

I wanted to speak to the issue of her not wanting phone calls/visits. I went through that too. For the first few months after Mom's diagnosis I was in WA and she was in IL. i tried to call every day, and after the first month or so (as she grew more fatigued from treatments, etc) she would talk to me on the phone less and less. I would get lucky if she would take the phone to talk to me once a week. I was heartbroken. I really was. I wanted to talk to my Mom! I was afraid I was going to lose her soon and I wanted every conversation I could have. It was SOOOO HARD To not take it personally. Then when I was able to go to her place and stay with her, I saw what a drain it was for her to speak on the phone. Speaking to me person to person in the room was a whole different ballgame (but still often tiring), but talking on the phone changed her patterns of breathing and exhausted her. And then there were times that just talking even person to person was too much. All that to say, let your Mama know how important it is for you to be able to see her and speak with her on the phone, but that you also don't want that to be tiring or difficult for her in any way. I know that's easier said than done, but maybe that way you can find a middle ground. ((((hugs)))) to you. I'm sorry you're going throug this. Especially so soon after losing your brother. Please come back and let us support you!

Debi-- I think you are beautiful and amazing and I'm so glad that even though you have to take breaks some time, that you are here.

I wasn't suprised to see them win this one... after all, they've got my Mom on their side! If they have to play the Bears though... I don't know what will happen!

Holly-- I'm so glad you checked in, I just haven't stopped thinking about you. I'm so glad that you and your Mom had one another.... She sounds like an amazing woman who raised an amazing daughter.