Treebywater

Congratulations!

((((Patty)))) With you in the hurting. It's amazing how those... Tiny tragedies that happened--like that stupid nurse--in the context of the big tragedy of losing our loved ones haunt us, isn't it? I play those things over and over and over again in my head.

I'm glad you vented, Holly. It does just suck. It IS so unfair. It DOES hurt. When you slow down... It will hurt, but... You will get through it, just as you have everything else. And Bug will help. I guess we're not alone in our puddles this week.

Mary Wicks... A younger version. I always thought they had similar features--Mom hated that.

Lori--One of my coping mechanisms is having elaborate conversations in my head with people that I feel have wronged me or my family. Since Mom got sick, and since her passing they have become VERY, VERY elaborate.... And then I imagine what they said back and I get even madder. I catch myself in the shower getting really angry and go--Wait... Such and such didn't REALLY say that.

I think I am finally starting to feel the feelings of grieving for Mom. I feel like I'm late to the party. I just couldn't do it while I was at Dad's. That was like... a science experiment gone wrong. It was 'supposed to' go so differently than it did. And now I'm in my own home, with my husband, and it's becoming a reality that my Mom is all the way gone. Being here, I've been hit many many times with, "Oh I need to tell Mom that/OH....." I've cried the gut-wrenching from my toes cries for the first time really, and I Feel like there are more that need to come out. I'm starting to feel it... And I think it is good, but because I'm so late I feel like... Well like my time has passed. Like since I Didn't deal with it while I Should have, that I can't now. Like people are looking at me and saying, "She died 9 months ago. Shouldn't you be through that phase by now?" Every day it feels like yesterday. Everyday I long for her. Everyday I want to hear her voice. I look at pictures of Carolyn over the last year. I mentally divide them into "Mom saw that" and "Mom didn't." I can't believe that she won't see any more of Carolyn growing. I Can't believe I can't call her to ask stupid new Mommy questions--Like... Does Carolyn have to have a Onesie on all the time under every single outfit. Is it indecent if she doesn't? Or... is it safe for her to eat apples yet? You know... the questions that are so common-sense that you can't ask your girlfriends because you're supposed to just automatically "know." But Mom isn't here to get the cheatsheets from. I miss her so badly... and long for her perspective on my life. I wish so that I could hear her say, "Val... when are you going to learn to just tell them to F*** off?" when people irk me. She would have great advice for how to support my friends who are hurting so badly now in their own battle. She would have perspective on why this year has just seemed to be one loss, one devestation, one hurt after another. And even if she didn't have perspective, she'd say something to make me laugh a little bit anyway. This year has been the hardest I've ever been through... And I didn't have my Mom to guide me through it. It seems a great irony. I think what I'm seeing my friends go through as Bob comes near the end of his battle... It's getting even more raw. It throws me into the thick of the memories. Into the words of the conversations and the recollection of each and every feeling. Sometimes though, I don't want the hurt to heal, because sometimes it feels like the hurt is what keeps me near my Mom. The hurt keeps me in this year, and near to what happened last July. If I give that up, I have to give one more piece of her up. I know that isn't rational, but it's where I am. So... That's where I am today. At... Almost 10 months sans-Mom. It might not make any sense, and I'm not sure why I wrote it... But I did.

You have no idea how many emotions I just need to let loose right now... And have for so long. I just wasn't able to without Andy... adn being at Dad's... And now I have all of this stuff piled up, and I don't know what to do with it. So sign me up for some Quisa-wacking, and some uncontrollable sobbing too. ((((Cindi)))) You are so right.

I'm so glad you checked in. I wish that we were closer, cause I'd take you out for Mother's Day. It's a sucky one here too, but so different than the one you are having. Thank you for sharing your heart and a little that's going on with you... I miss hearing your voice here. Give Faith a squeeze from us, and know that I will be thinking of you on Mother's Day. I hope you revel in your self-pampering.

I love them. Just don't always have an answer, or I have to dash off to kidlet, or I am balancing her on her lap. Keep 'em coming.

Beth, Just know that I care. I'm glad that you posted and let us know how you are...

One of my closest friends here is losing her husband (also my friend) to pancreatic cancer. He is very close to the end of the journey. I want to support her in any way I can... So far we've been making dinner for them every few days and taking it over, I've called every day to check in, we've run errands, etc. etc. I guess--can you give me some direction? I've been in the shoes of a child losing her Mom, but not of a wife losing her husband... What ways did people help you? What ways do you WISH people would have helped--and what 'helpful things' did people do that just really weren't helpful. I know she will have a lot of paperworky things to wade through, and I know that will overwhelm her. She doesn't have kids and her other familial support is kind of spotty. Anyway--any suggestions?

If your gut says GO, then do it. You will be better able to assess what your Dad's wants and needs are from there, and... guts say things for a reason. This sounds like such a frustrating situation... But you haven't done anything wrong. Hang in there and keep us posted!

Praying, praying here.

(((((Linda)))))) You are NOT a horrible caregiver... You are HUMAN. Breathe. You are doing a GREAT job of advocating for your Mom. It's just tough to work the system some days. Please don't beat yourself up. Your Mom is so lucky to have you by her side. I'm glad this new PA seems helpful. Use him as an ally.

Praying all those things right with you, Carleen.

Today IS a day to celebrate, and I'm so glad you shared with us. YOu tel Keith that we're all in his corner praying for another 3 and another 3 and another 3.... And I will pray about the embryo retrieval. (((((Carleen))))) (((((Keith))))

You keep talking away, Tracey! I'm praying that the talking and the tarceva and the prayers (many going out from here too) are just beating that cancer to smithereens.

Rich, You will ALWAYS be one of my heros. SOOO glad for you.

((((Jana)))) It's just so hard.... I hate it.

She is just so beautiful. Congratulations... I bet she and your Mama had some good conversations before that little girl came to join you here on earth.

Praying for you often here too.

Oh TAnn. You are so very much loved. Please, please know that. Praying for you here--for easing of pain and peace for you and all of your family.

I Think my advice would be to just be real with yourself... be real with God--whatever your understanding of him. If you're having trouble believing in Him or heaven right now, ask for help... It's normal to feel shaky in your faith at these times. Very, very normal. Your foundations just got cracked... But stay open and keep being honest. I believe our loved ones are still "alive" somewhere else... The reason for that is just because I Can't imagine them NOT being. HOw can something as wonderful as my mother--and your mother just not be? I also see the transformation of winter to spring as evidence... It seems the natural cycle that after death, things are reborn. My advice about the grief counseling/support group is this--find the RIGHT one. I still haven't... Truthfully I gave up looking. But if it doesn't feel right after a fair amount of time trying, look elsewhere or else it can really be counterproductive. ((((hugs)))) to you. Breathe in, breathe out... Repeat. That's your job right now. Pretty soon you won't have to keep reminding yourself to take the next breath.

4 or 5. And somehow in the last 9 months my cooking repetoire has expanded enormously. It's kind of fun.

That tech needs a good smack upside the head and a "quit being dumb" card. Praying for peace for you, Debi, and for nice, clear results of your CT. Please keep us posted!!!