stand4hope

It's ok, Andrea, it's ok. This is definitely the kind of thing you need to follow through on. ANY mass of ANY type, size, location, shape, smell (ha!), would get my attention, too, and a second opinion, and a follow-up. I don't care if the report did say "fat density", a 4 cm mass needs another opinion. The two cysts that I had removed from my breast to be biopsied were described as some kind of density, too, and the doc said "I think they're benign." The word "benign" I liked. It was the words "I think" that made me uncomfortable. In your case, the words "appears to be" jumped out at me. You did the right thing, honey. It probably is nothing to worry about, but you and me and everyone else would like to delete the word probably so it says, "It is nothing!" Love and hugs, Peggy

Dear Janet, It is so good to see your post. I've not been posting much for quite some time and that's mostly because I've been having a hard time myself. I will post about that in a separate post in the next day or two. Like Sue said, it does seem to get harder instead of easier, and I'll share some thoughts on that, too, as well as some solutions I've found. Please know that you are in my heart, Janet, and always will be. I say the same, too, to all those I've known here for more than two years, and to all those that I don't know. It's interesting to me to hear about your garden, especially the way you attached special meaning to them. I haven't done any gardening since Don and I were married, other than some house plants early in our marriage. Don did it all - that was his domain and he loved it. Since spring, I have bought flowers and plants, planted them, sown and watched grass seed grow, planted perennials and annuals, and watered and fertilized these things myself. I got a few books, talked to the nursery personnel and off I went. It's been very therapeutic for me. To me they represent new life. I don't have the meanings for the flowers like you do. Are those your own meanings or are they listed in a reference book somewhere. If so, I would love to have a link or the name of the book to attach meanings, or next year to buy things that have descriptions like that. I made sure to plant all the Impatiens (sp?) like Don did in the exact same places that he did. That was my tribute to him, and I hope they grow as big and beautiful as his always did and that he can see them and smile. May God continue to bless you, Janet, with His comfort! Love, Peggy

Dear Carleen, Tell us ALL about Keith, and all about you and Keith. Tell us how he grew up, how you grew up, how you two met and fell in love. Give us some highlights of your marriage, good or bad. Tell us what you guys did for fun, what you did to relax, and if you have special family or friends. Tell us some funny stories, crazy things you two have done together, or apart. Just talk, Carleen. Write as long as you want, then hit submit, and as you receive replies and think of other things, tell us more. This will help you. Please do it! I think about you when I go to bed, I think about you when I wake up, and I think about you all day. I know others are doing the same thing. Please tell us about your lives together. Let's all encourage Carleen to talk, talk, talk! Love, Peggy

Dear Sweet Carleen, I wish you knew, really knew, how much I feel your pain. I love you, Carleen. Peggy

Dear Bill and Rob, I'm so sorry I'm late in responding. I am crushed to hear this even though I knew it was coming. Every death here takes my breath away. It seems as though I feel every one of these painful announcements like the person who passed was my personal close friend all my life, even though I've never seen the whites of their eyes, heard their laughter, or seen their smile. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to talk to Etsuko before she died. It made her even more real and I felt a bond of incredible magnitude. In her voice and in her tears I "heard" her love for you both. She was so sad because she knew she was going away. I feel the same way about both of you. Having known you both, and having walked the walk you are now walking, and living with a son who is struggling trying to take that walk, I can literally feel the depth of your sadness. When you fight and fight and fight with literally all you've got and you still lose your precious loved one, it just drops you to the lowest low you've ever experienced. It's a sadness that no one can touch or heal except God. It's a sadness that I just don't know how anyone gets through that doesn't know and trust God. I pray in the name of Jesus that God touches that spot in both of you. He won't take it completely away. He doesn't need to. Just His touch will keep you from the depths of despair. Just His touch will begin the healing process. Just His touch will give you strength to carry on. Just His touch will draw you closer to Him. Contrary to popular belief, we don't find God. He is always there. Our Creator always knows right where His children are and He never leaves them, but He will not intrude where He is not wanted. All we have to do is seek Him and invite Him in and the comfort and understanding penetrates our hearts. Bill and Rob, I suspect that you both might fade away from this group of wonderful people, and that's ok, of course. I know I have, but I also know that this is the place to come not only for information but for comfort and understanding. I know that I could post on this website today or five years from today and the words of comfort or understanding that I seek will be there for me. That's more than I can say for some of my very own friends and family, and I know that's true for you, too. So, don't be shy. As long as this wonderful LCSC board is alive and active, if you need to talk to someone who has walked this walk - someone will always be here for you. All my love, Peggy

I don't know what I would have done without Jackie over the past 10 months. She has my prayers for a speedy recovery. Jackie is very strong, resilient and a shining example of how to "keep on keeping on". Jackie, all my prayers are focused on you this day. Love, Peggy

I don't have any words - I just don't! Love, Peggy

Dear Sue, I wish I was the one with the magic-make-it-go-away post, but I'm not. I don't know where the tears come from, but after 10 months (today), I just know they still come out of nowhere, when you least expect it, and just when you think you're beginning to "adjust". I cried last night standing in the yard watering my flowers with the hose. I guess it's because there's a quiet time, a lull in the busy stuff that takes your thoughts back - and back further still. At least, I think that's the way it is for me. I have noticed that those bad times (like Ginny described above) seem to come for me when I'm overwhelmed, overworked, angry, sad about something else, or reminded that this is forever. Last night while watering the flowers my neighbors were out in their back yard with their daughter and two granddaughters. The little girls were running and laughing and playing, my neighbors were hugging them and playing with them, and I just became overwhelmed with the emptiness all around me. All I had was flowers. . . big freakin' deal! So, choking back tears, I know my words don't help and just make it worse, but I'm not going to delete them. Some things just aren't meant to be Pollyannathized (new word ). Becky always says cancer isn't for sissies - and she's right. Grieving isn't for sissies either. It's tough, it's hard, it hurts, and it is relentless. I'm not deleting my words because the only thing that has helped me through this process is knowing that people like you, Sue, are going through the same painful process. I think it helps if we share our experiences and our feelings - we then know we're not alone! I truly am hugging you right now. I don't know where Lynne has been, but I still have one of her warm towels to send you to cuddle up with. Love you, Sue! Peggy

This is a hard one for me - very hard. Teri, if you're listening - I love you and I am going to miss you so much. God is with you - he always was and always will be. Thank you, Don! Love, Peggy

Sigh . . . what in the world am I going to do with you, Andrea? Yes, ma'am!!!!!!!!! YOU MUST! You remember that PM I sent about there is ALWAYS going to be something forever - aches, pains, hurts, etc., etc. Well, I've been having really bad, excruciating pain in my hip. I never for a minute thought it was cancer or anything like that, but have avoided going to the doctor because I just ASSUMED, because of my age and general lack of proper exercise, etc., that my hip was shot and I would have to have hip replacement. I've had enough surgeries to know that they really suck and that whatever the doctors tell you about pain and recovery is about 1,000 times worse than what they say - they are all liars! LOL!! Well, I finally gave in and went today since I have had almost no sleep for over a week, and it is nothing more than bursitis - trochanteric (sp?) bursitis. A simple steroid shot, anti-inflammatories, and I'm supposed to be as good as new in a day or two. So,long story short, Ms. Loon, STOP IT!!!! Just sit back and get ready for the next ache or pain that is going to surface. I absolutely 100% guarantee you that they are going to come and keep on coming. Hopefully, one of these days you'll get to where I am and instead of running to the doctor will put it off as long as possible because it's such a pain in the *ss to spend all that time in those freaking waiting rooms! LOL!! Love you, sweetie! Peggy

Hang in there, honey. Like Tina said, God will sustain you. I said those exact same words - I can't do this. I went to the counselor and said I can't do this, I don't need help, I need God to do ALL of it, because I can't do it. I swear to you, every single day, several times every day I said out loud, to myself and to anybody that would listen that "I can't do this!" I also followed those words with . . ., but I WILL!!! Guess what? I really couldn't do it, Carleen. I knew I wasn't strong enough. I knew I couldn't handle it, and I knew that if God didn't come through for me that I really would curl up in a tight little ball and die. He did come through - before, during and after. If He hadn't, I wouldn't be here writing this note to you. Not only did I love Don for 38 wonderful years, but I depended on him for everything. Like your Keith, he was my rock, my substance, my provider, my caretaker, my EVERYTHING. Everything I did revolved around what he wanted to do first. Everything I cooked, bought, made or did was pretty much what he would like or want. It was also vice versa - he was like that for me, too. So, in summary, I "get it" - what you're saying, what you're feeling, and what you're thinking. I typically hate the expression, "If I can do it, you can do it", but that's what I'm saying! As you know, you can always send me a PM and we can hash it out as much as you want. Put your chin up, wipe away those tears, use God's strength, and not your own. You will be amazed at how strong you will become. I love you, and God bless you, Carleen! Peggy

Rob, I'm trying to find the biopsy report - so far no luck, but the CT results taken at the hospital which triggered the decision to do the lung biopsy. The CT was done on Aug. 2, 2005, the surgery was done on Aug. 4 and he died on Aug. 5. Also, you might see if your oncologist or pulmonologist would call Don's oncologist or pulmonologist. The oncologist is Dr. Robert Manges (317) 228-3393, and the pulmonologist is Dr. Robert Shapiro (317) 872-5591. I doubt they would take a call from you or your dad, but they probably would from another oncologist or pulmonologist. Here's the CT report, and I'll keep looking for the biopsy report: The lung fields demonstrate interval in severity of alveolitis. The current study demonostrates multifocal areas of alveolitis bilaterally several which are new from previous exam. The areas of involvement identified on the previous study having increased in severity. There is moderately severe atelectasis in the medial aspect of the left lower lobe stable from previous study. Mediastinal structures demonstrate a mild pneumomediastinum with a small amount of air dissecting along the right aspect of the superior mediastinum. This is new from previous study. . . . . Impression: 1. Increasing severity of alveolitis. 2. Small pneumomediastinum new from previous study. 3. Small pericardial effusion. This has decreased from prior study. 4. Small left pleural effusion which has decreased in size from previous study. Again, his main symptom was SOB. He had no SOB at all for the entire two years until he took Alimta. The surgeon explained after the surgery that his lungs were very stiff (sound similar to what they are saying when they use the word "encased"). This "stiffness" was caused by the alveoli cells being destroyed and since the lungs could not expand, that's why he was having trouble breathing. Ok. I'm going to keep looking for the biopsy report. Rob, there wasn't a thing they could do to the reverse this, so even if that's what it is, I doubt very much there is a solution, but one of the two doctors above may have researched it further after Don's death, especially Dr. Manges. Love you guys! Peggy

Dear Rob, I am so hesitant to post this, and was before, too, because so many people are on Alimta and not having this kind of trouble. My husband had a severe reaction to Alimta which caused his alveoli cells in his lungs to be completely destroyed. His symptoms were fatigue and gradual shortness of breath until breathing whenever he tried to move or do anything at all, even lifting a spoon to eat, became difficult. The symptoms increased dramatically after his third dose of Alimta, but the SOB began before that and was something he never had before Alimta. He was hospitalized to eliminate his having to go to several places to get tests done because it was in the 90s and very humid. They did a CT and could see in the CT that there was a problem with these cells. They wanted to do a VATS procedure (open lung biopsy) to try to figure out what was causing the problem. They knew it was either the cancer growing rapidly, an infection or the chemo. They did a rush procedure and he declined very rapidly after that. The very next morning they got the biopsy results that determined it was reaction to the chemo. They sent it out for a second opinion, but he died that same day. The destruction of the cells was rapid and persistent. They did everything they could to save him - had him on a respirator, giving him massive doses of drugs and sedatives to keep him from fighting to breathe against the respirator and to let the respirator do the work. At the end they even did something that paralyzed his body, but nothing worked. The second opinion on the biopsy was received a few days later and it was the same result. I'm sure your mother is not healthy enough to have the biopsy done, but you might want to mention this alveoli destruction to her oncologist. Alimta is still very new and I'm not surprised the nurses and doctors aren't familiar with the potential side effects. Most of the nurses and doctors we encountered had not even yet heard of Alimta, let alone its side effects. Fortunately, it has been a very good and effective drug for many, and is considered to be as effective as Taxol and Taxotere without as severe side effects. In fact, there are several people on this site that have been NED since taking Alimta. There are exceptions, of course, for people like my husband and perhaps your mother. Like your mom, Don's cancer was also growing rapidly. Although he was doing very well, it was just a matter of months before the cancer would get the best of him. Also, like your mom, he had many chemos, Iressa and Tarceva, lung and bone radiation, brain radiation, stereotactic brain radiation, and he had to choose whether to try another chemo or let the cancer do its thing. He chose to try it knowing full well that it was risky since his body had already had so much. I have no anger toward the drug, the drug company (which by the way is where my husband worked for 32 years), the doctors or nurses or anybody. There were certainly some mistakes made along the way, and I think there always will be, but nothing that was life threatening. I truly believe that most of the time, oncologists and pulmonoligists, etc. do their very best they can with whatever knowledge they have and treatments they have available. I know some don't agree with that, but that's the way I see it. Even though Don did not except to die when he went into that hospital, he died knowing he did everything that could be done. Your mom has done the same thing. Your mom and my Don are both winners, along with many others here who fought with all their might. Hang in there, Rob. I can't tell for sure from your posts if you are angry, but if you are, please don't let anger consume you or let the "what if" questions consume you now or later. Your mom wouldn't want that, I'm sure. Somebody on this website said "we are all terminal". I would add, some sooner - some later - some from disease - some from accidents - some at the hands of others. You are a young man and have a full life ahead of you. Take good care of your mom, and stay close to your dad, but please when you think about this time of suffering and pain for all of you, try to think of it knowing that everybody did everything they could! Much love and hugs to you and your entire family, Peggy

Oooooh, I really, really do know how much this hurts, honey. I really do! We tried for four years - everything from Clomid to baggy shorts to genetic studies. We had seven miscarriages and a little baby boy that only lived for three hours. So, yes, I do know, I understand, and I weep for you. Love and great big hugs!!!! Peggy

Wow, Kel! Those were awesome words. God bless you! Love, Peggy

Hi Rob, You are very welcome for the PMs. I know how hard this is for you and your dad. As you can see below, I've traveled the road you and your dad are traveling and so has my son, and we feel your pain. I do pray that Alimta has done some good, but mostly I hope that your poor mother gets some relief from her horrible pain and breathing troubles. I had trouble getting my breath one time, just for about one minute, and just that one minute scared the wits out of me. It causes a very panicy feeling. Is your mom getting morphine? If not, please see if she can get it because it really helps them not feel panic. She may have to have large doses and frequent which will make her sleep a lot, but at least she won't be scared. Take care, honey, and God bless you! Peggy

Yeah Trish! Now you can tell Jeffrey he's empty headed as often as you want! So glad to hear this absolutely wonderful and encouraging news! God bless you both! Love, Peggy

Andrea, if nothing else works to make me smile, YOU DO!!! I just roared when I read this. You are such a hoot! LOLOL!! Love you! Peggy

Oh, Andrea, I do pray so hard that it was successful! I don't even know what HCG is, but if that number means 75% chance in the negative, it also means a 25% chance in the positive. There's no reason why you won't be in that 25% positive area. Now is the time for you to: THINK POSITIVE!! DWELL ON THE POSITIVE!! EAT, DRINK AND SLEEP POSITIVE!! BE POSITIVE!! YOU ARE POSITIVE!! ~~~DON'T WORRY - BE HAPPY!!~~~ Love and prayers, Peggy

Oh my gosh, Kasey and Becky, ME TOO! I didn't quite get to the "fail", Becky. I took lessons at the Y and just didn't go back for the last class - test day! I knew I would fail. And, on the last day that I did go, the instructor had to jump in and pull a girl out who was going under. That did it for me - No deep water for me - never!! Uh-uh!!! Love, Peggy

Oh, Beth, how wonderful it was of Bill to leave that note. I would give absolutely anything to find a note from Don. He was so d*** stubborn and convinced he was going to live forever that I'm sure he never even entertained the thought. You know, I actually still haven't gone through most of his things - maybe I'll find one some day, but I doubt it. Beth, I hope it's ok if I make a little side note here to anyone reading this whether they have lung cancer or are in perfect health: Please sit down and take five minutes to write some kind of note to your loved ones and hide it someplace where they won't find it right now, but will be sure to find it if something happens to you. If you have kids, write each one of them a separate note. And also, write out instructions on how to do things that you are the ONLY one that knows how to do them. Beth, get that note laminated and keep it in Bill's special things. WHAT A GUY!!! Love, Peggy

Learn to speak Spanish. I even bought software several years ago to self-teach myself, but have never even loaded it on my computer. Peggy

I hear you loud and clear, Val! Yes, sometimes those words do sting because I know for a fact that if my husband wasn't at the top of the list of fighters, he was very close to it. My thoughts are that some are fighters and some aren't. I think the only way to truly answer your question is to compare "fighters" to "nonfighters". And then you also have to define "nonfighters". A nonfighter, I think, is a person that is negative, despondent, won't even try to feel better, gives up, lays around in bed, complains and makes life miserable for everyone around them - and some even do this and still get treatment. So, in my opinion, anyone that decides to fight this disease with treatment, and those that decide to fight without treatment, but intend to live every day to its fullest, are 100% fighters. So, what I'm saying is that those in the nonfighter group like I defined above, probably aren't going to last long because of the effects a negative psyche like that has on one's health. People like your mom, Don, Fay, TBone, David, Beth's Bill, Pat's Brian, etc., etc. were all great fighters, as are all the survivors that we have here living and breathing. Even most of the ones that choose to not have treatment but enjoy every minute of life are fighting in their own special way. If I hear what you are saying, and I think I do because I've felt it, too, you are feeling that because of the emphasis put on this site about "fighting" that "fighting" is the solution. In other words, because some people have survived, they were stronger fighters than your mom. Am I close to getting it? Val, fighting is NOT the solution. Nobody "fights away" a disease. There are tons of ways to fight disease with medicine, radiation, surgery, alternative methods, etc., even mental treatments like hypnosis, positive thinking, etc., but whether those treatments work better on one person than another is a luck of the draw. For example, someone said on this board this week that their mother said she was going to be the longest living survivor, yet she died. Well, guess what? Don said those exact same words, and he said it in a VERY LOUD VOICE, and I can tell you that HE MEANT IT! He died. It had absolutely nothing to do with fighting. But here is one thing that I can say for certain, fighting to win does help a LOT in the survival process of any disease, and even in our own every day living. If we didn't fight, we would be drowned in depression and all kinds of aches, pains and even disease. This is way too long, but please allow me a little more space here. I want to compare this to something else: faith and prayer. To me, it's similar because faith is faith in something or someone, and prayer is communication. Yet many people think that faith and prayer are the solution, so if your faith isn't strong enough or your prayer isn't good enough or often enough, then that's why you didn't survive or get your miracle. HOGWASH! To me, faith is faith in God - period! Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, faith in Him is that He is doing what is best, and prayer is communication with God and builds our relationship with Him. We pray and we "ask" God to do things for us because He told us to ask. Don't we tell our kids they have to "ask" before they can get in the cookie jar? Why? Because sometimes it's ok and other times it isn't good for them. So, in summary (finally), we fight to live and just hope with everything we've got that it works for us as long as possible. And on the God thing, we praise him when we win, but we also praise him when we "think" we lose. Love and prayers, Val! Peggy

Frank, I just love you to pieces. I remember more than two years ago that you could barely even type a short sentence, and Ry wouldn't let you off the hook with her teasing! Just look at you now - posting pictures and even making paragraph breaks! What a guy! I'm with you on the rain. The only difference between here and where you are is that you guys got it all big dumps - we've had it continually for a week and a half - every single day! Today is the first day since last Monday that we are going to have sunshine, but that's even short-lived. It's going to start raining again late this afternoon through tomorrow morning. The good news is that they are predicting sunny days for Sat. and Sun. Tell Connie to kiss all those boo-boos and enjoy your private "keg". Love, Peggy

Hi Bill, It's good to see you post. I hope you're doing ok. Did you remember to give that lovely wife of yours a hug from me? You can give your son one, too, and just tell him it's from one of the other women in your life. Take care, Bill. I hope your wife is more comfortable these days. Thanks for sharing the article! Love, Peggy