stand4hope

Dear Carleen, Yes, like the others have said, take your time. It's one day at a time, that's for sure. The reason most people are pushing you into some of these things is because they are afraid you are suicidal. Your family and friends, like us, are truly feeling your feelings of hopelessness right now and it scares us. That's because we love you. We are overwhelmed for you and know that you not only have the horrible grief and loss to deal with, but the financial concerns and that you have to leave everything you know and love that you and Keith had together. ANYBODY would be depleted of hope and energy with all of that to deal with at the same time. I could have written almost every single word you wrote up there, other than the financial concerns. I, too, would wake up in that empty bed, read those daily emails I used to get from Don, be lost knowing he wasn't going to send me one today and I didn't have him to call on the way home to see what he wanted for dinner, how his day went, what was our son up to, etc. The first time it snowed I didn't know how I was going to get home from work without talking to him on the phone to keep telling me I was going to be fine - take this road, that road, etc. I remember sitting in the parking garage and crying because I couldn't call him and tell him I was leaving now. I always knew he was there to come get me if I got stuck. Well, one other thing I couldn't have written was that he quit telling me how beautiful I was a long time ago. Imagine that! Carleen, I feel a lot better knowing your strong commitment to keep your promise to Keith. Thirteen days is too soon for anybody to feel better. I certainly didn't! I recently read about some of the stages of grief, and they are really there. You are in the first stages of shock, denial and anger - I would call it the "I can't believe this has happened stage". I kept myself incredibly, overwhelmingly busy during that stage and buried the grief refusing to let it "get me". Well, it got me, and then I was in the second stage - reality. That stage is just as painful as that first stage if not worse. For me, that was (and still is) what I would call the "He's really never coming back stage and my life is totally different now and always will be." For me it was exceedingly difficult because the life I had with Don was all I knew. I used to tell people we were born married - we were 18 and 19 years old, so it was nearly true. I am now sliding into the third stage - acceptance. I'm clawing my way into the world into my "new normal" and looking forward to that last stage of being happy and content with my new life. Go back and read Shellimac's post to you. I'm sure you can recall her devastation, suicidal thoughts and attempts that she told us about. It was horrible for her, just horrible, and we all felt her hopelessness, too, and it scared us to death. I'm sure it scared you, too. If no one else on this website can identify with your feelings, Shellie certainly can. She's truly been there - done that. Even though it was her parents and not a spouse, her pain was every bit as consuming as yours is right now. But, look at her now and listen to her words. Her life is new, fresh and she is once again looking forward to the future. Maybe you two can trade phone numbers and talk a little bit. As usual, I wrote too much. God gave me a gift of typing fast, so once I get started, my fingers just fly with everything that's on my mind. So, I'm done now. You are in my prayers, in my heart and in God's hands. You are going to be ok, but don't expect it to happen anytime soon. All my love forever, Peggy

Like Lucie, Don had the gemzar/navelbine combo - standard dose. He really did fine with those chemos. He was kind of tired, and got a little sick the first infusion, but not real bad. He took compazine after that before and after and never got sick at all. He continued to work every single day and didn't miss a beat. Now, the first combo (taxotere/carboplatin) was a different story. That combination knocked him on his hiney fanny real good. No real side effects, just EXTREME fatigue. Like Don Wood said: "It depends". Everybody is different. There are some here who had a hard time with gemzar, but I sure wanted you to hear that Don basically flew through that combo without much more than a hiccup here and there. Hope that helps. Love, Peggy

Hello everyone, I think my post on Carleen's recent thread may have been lost in the sheer volume of the thread, so I wanted to start a new one and be sure that all of you at least had a little update. I'm certainly not close to the situation in any way at all, but I have been communicating with Keith & Carleen's friend, TR, so I will repeat some of my post here and add just a little bit more that I have learned later today. TR has talked to Carleen (I'll let TR decide later if she wants to post her name - she's pretty new to anything like this). Carleen is ok. She is actually getting out of the house a little bit, and she does have her mom staying with her, so she isn't alone. TR has only talked to Carleen on the phone and Carlene is happy to let TR come and visit with her tomorrow. The general message I'm hearing is that Carleen still is not doing well, as we know, with coping, but she is at least moving and putting one foot in front of the other and breathing like all of you have asked her to do. She is hanging on, and I feel confident that she will continue to do so, and I think that all of you and your love and support are part of the reason. I would also give a lot of that confidence to how I feel about Carleen. I think she is a lot stronger inside than she gives herself credit for. She is wise, intelligent, educated and loving - not to mention absolutely gorgeous, and I have faith in her that she will dig down there and pull all that up a little bit at a time and get through this. I also feel, though, that she will need us to lean on for quite a while. I thank God that she knows we are here - she KNOWS where to come to find people that care. I also did find and send her some crisis phone numbers in her area and I'm hoping she wrote those down and will call when she is feeling lost and alone. I'm also sure that many of you have given her your telephone numbers, and I pray that she will call you, too. I have truly become a strong believer that talking really does help. I'm hoping that TR will come here tomorrow, or Carleen herself, and give us an update on how she's doing. I do love you all so much, Peggy

Hello everyone, "tr", a friend of Carleen's that posted today on another thread has contacted Carleen for us. Carleen is ok and tr is going to go see her tonight. Apparently, Carleen's mom is also staying with her. I was very concerned since she didn't open my PM or take my phone call, but she is ok and is not alone. I know I will sleep better tonight knowing that tr and Carleen's mom are with her. I know the rest of you will, too. Love to all, Peggy

Dear Carleen, I really like what Don said. You did make a promise to your love. Hopefully, that promise is enough to push you into seeking some heavy-duty counseling, and going someplace where you can be safe, held, and loved and not alone. Please take this advice and do it as soon as possible - like right NOW! Your thoughts and words are very frightening to us. We don't have our physical hands on you. We can't hold you. We want to, but we aren't there. We are so far away from you, but others are close by. As I discovered in my own recent experience, there are others that truly can help sustain you. We don't know how to help you out of this dark place, but there are professional counselors that do. Please call your pastor or even a local suicide hot line. Tell them what you're going through and ask them where you can go. As a matter of fact, I'm even going to find some phone numbers for you in your town. I'll PM or call you! Carleen, we have had so many wonderful PMs and talks. You have been such a comfort to me on many occasions. PLEASE! PLEASE! Do what Connie suggested and make a call right NOW! My arms are around you, my hands are patting your back, our heads are laying on each other's shoulders and we are sharing our tears. We are BOTH going to be ok. OK? Love, Peggy

Hee! Hee! My real name is Margaret Jayne. I know, I know. How do they get Peggy out of Margaret? I don't have a clue, but I've been asked that all my life. Common nicknames for Margaret are Peggy, Margie, Maggie, etc. Where did "Peggy" come from? Who knows? One of you researchers can look that up sometime and give me an answer. I would love to be able to say something besides I don't have a clue. Love, Peggy

Pistoltart: I loved that. Thank you so much for those words! God bless you, Peggy

Dear Carleen, There aren't any words to take away your pain. There really aren't. Actually, I think I've learned that the only thing that does help is knowing that there are so many here that have made it through it, and people like me who are still working on making it through it. While knowing this won't take away your pain, I think it's what you need to hang on to. We made it or are making it, and you can, too. You will make it! That doesn't mean it isn't going to hurt. It's going to hurt like hell for a long time. You have to just let it hurt, let it out and keep talking about it until it goes away. If you need to kick things or break something, then kick things and break something (but, don't hurt yourself). I'm not a kicker or a breaker, but I sure do know how to cry and talk. Just find what works for you and do that. I'm heartbroken that you have had to join this forum, Carleen. I prayed that it would never happen. None of us wanted to be here, but now that we are, we're stuck together like glue. There truly is strength in numbers. Now that you're here, I hope you'll stay and talk to us. We're good listeners. Love and hugs, honey! Peggy

Ok, Bruce, nobody's getting that one, so until they do, here's another one: Two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun

Dear Bill, Thank you for this very important message! This happens in other situations as well. My son has continued to have pancreatitis issues and recently it has become quite severe. His last few visits to ER for this very severe pain were a problem because his blood tests now show that the indicator for pancreatisis (high lipase) wasn't there. His lipase levels were actually below normal. I knew he did indeed have pancreatitis because every single symptom was there, including frequent burping, which is a dead giveaway. These results scared me because I have researched this disease and when the lipase and amalyse no longer show elevations, it usually means the patient has moved from acute pancreatitis to chronic pancreatitis, which can be quite serious. In each instance at ER, they immediately stopped pain medication when the blood results came back below normal. Each time I also mentioned that my understanding is that this can mean his pancreas isn't fuctioning at all at this point. The last ER doctor he saw said, "Well, I think other blood results would stil point to that if there was a problem with his pancreas." He diagnosed it as an ulcer, even though the CT scan did not show an ulcer - and he told us so. His comment was, "Well, even though we can't see it, I believe that's what his problem is." He even treated him and prescribed medication for an ulcer. I looked up the medication, and one of the side affects (infrequent) of the medication was that the medication could cause pancreatitis. Can you believe that? I told my son to not take it and managed to get him an appointment this morning with one of the top pancreatitis specialists in the country. He, of course, knew without a doubt with a few questions and brief examination that he indeed has pancreatitis and it has moved into the chronic phase. When I told him what the ER doctors say, he just politely said, well, they just don't know. We just need to get him well and keep him out of the Emergency Rooms. He is writing to my son's family doctor with his findings and instructions for care. I know your point is made in regard to lc, but I just wanted to point out that we should be good advocates in other diseases as well. You have to be especially alert if you are caring for an older patient. Many of them are from the school of "You don't question the doctor. He knows what he's doing". My dad was one of them. Thanks, Bill, and my prayers continue for you and Rob. Love, Peggy

Ok. Ok. I'd do X Xtra cheese, please! Ha! You didn't say it had to spelled right.

M & Ms. See the USA in your ______________.

Oh, Linda, that was so sudden. Just a few days ago she was kickin' up her heels to get the heck out of there. Oh, my. I sure didn't expect to see this today. Take care of yourself, Linda. My deepest sympathy to you and strength to get through the days ahead. God bless you! Love, Peggy

It's also the poem we picked for my dad's memorial service, and I posted it here in late June or early July in 2004. Like Carleen, it was just so appropriate. My dad was so, so tired. Thanks for reprinting it. I loved hearing it again. Love, Peggy

You're not alone, Judy. We all feel your pain and grief. Our hearts break every time we see one of these posts. Prayers for God's comfort and love to penetrate your broken heart. Love, Peggy

You bet it is, Judy! My husband was always making people laugh. I'll never forget the time I dared him to put on the gray curly woman's wig in the radiation oncologist's office before he came in. He looked at me, grinned, was kind of considering it and said "Nahhh!" I said, "You don't have the b...s!" (Hee hee - he never heard me say that before. And, actually, it was my first time.) He said, "That did it!" He grabbed that wig and when the doctor and nurse came in, you never heard such roaring laughter. They yelled out to the tech and they all came down, too. We just loved that doctor. He was always up, positive, encouraging and just wonderful. He was on a local commercial for that hospital's cancer center, and from the day we saw it, Don always called him "Doc Hollywood!" Another time, at the same onc's office, the onc was giving him his usual thorough check up. He always checked everything from head to foot and asked him lots of questions. Don was always very serious and cooperative. When he finally got down to knees and knocked on them to check his reflexes, Don kicked up the opposite leg the onc pounded on. At first, the onc just looked at him for a couple of seconds like he was wondering why that happened, and Don just did his usual grin and said, "I always wanted to do that." And I'll tell just one more. He was at the break table with a bunch of guys at work right after all his hair fell out. One of them asked him if it bothered him. He said, "Nope! You're the one that has to look at it, not me." Keep laughing! Love, Peggy

Hi Bill, Once again, I am so sorry for your loss. I will cherish Etsuko's voice and words in my heart forever. As far as being an advocate, you win hands down. When I just think back over all your efforts, I just shake my head in awe. What a guy! What a wonderful love story. She must have been one awesome woman, and I wish I could have gotten to know her better. May God shower you and Rob both with His love, comfort and healing. Love, Peggy

Hello! Do you go by Josie, or Eppie or ? This touched home with me, too. I have had the same thing, not all of my husband's family, but some. I have also had it with some people I thought were my friends, and one set of neighbors. Just, one big shut out. I don't get it, either, but I'm at the point now (recently) that I'm over it. I've realized that if they don't want to stay in touch with me for whatever reason, it's ok. I just have to move on and learn how to make a new life, new friends, and new activities. It's not easy after 38 years because it feels like I just don't know anything else but the routine I loved and was comfortable with. I lost my husband 10 months ago, and I began my new life just two weeks ago. I started talking to others and have decided to break out and break free of all those hurts from people that I thought cared. I guess they didn't, but you know what? They can be replaced. Hee Hee! Read my post on this forum (Grieving) called Talk Therapy. If the words I wrote don't help, I just bet a dollar to a donut that the words of someone else that responded will help. You go girl (or guy)! Break free of that shackle of hurt inflicted by others. You will find lots of people that care about you and will want to stay in touch with you, but you might have to take the initiative to go find 'em! Love, Peggy

Dear Debi, This has to be one of the most uplifting stories I have ever read on this website. Wow! That is just so cool. You drew a vivid picture of your son's incredible joy. That is just one of the neatest things I've ever heard. I would love to see him and give him a big high 5 and you a big hug! Love, Peggy

Dear Linda, I get it. I didn't live it like you are having to, but my MIL did with my FIL. It was awful, just awful. He was competent but crazy at the same time when he became ill. I can't even begin to tell you how horribly verbally abusive he was to her, and that was after 50 years of marriage. Horrible isn't even a strong enough word to describe the hell my MIL went through. My niece also went through this with her grandmother on her dad's side. She was the only family member left, and the grandmother was sweet as an angel one minute and meaner than a snake the next and did CRAZY things, too. I'll have more to say about this in a minute. Her grandmother is deep in dementia now and in a nursing home. I want you to know this: You will NOT remember your mother this way. My MIL (who has also since died) didn't remember him like this after his death and neither did his brother or sister. Oh, sure, they remembered it, but when they thought about or talked about him, it was mostly about the good things from when they were kids and lived together as a family. At the time, I think they all nearly hated him, though. I came real close to that hate word myself. My niece would get so mad at her grandma when she would be mean to her that she would walk away for days on end. My niece is one of those ones that puts her foot down and says you won't pull that crap on me, or I'm out of here, and if she pulled that crap, she was out of there! Of course, she would return later because she loved her and would just keep trying. And this crazy woman was STILL driving. My niece went to the license branch when her grandma said she was going to get her expiring license renewed. My niece went to the license branch and told them they had to give her a driver's test and not give her a license because she was incompetent and an accident waiting to happen. They said it was illegal for them to do that and if she passed the eye test her license would be renewed. The problems she had became insurmountable - and she had a POA, too. She had problems with the bank because her grandma was doing crazy things with her money, and even though she had POA, the grandma told the bank that her niece was not allowed to pay her bills, write checks or access her bank accounts. My niece had been paying her bills for her for several years. The bank had to honor the grandma's requests, so the grandma's lights got shut off, etc., etc. My suggestion on how to get control is that you find out from your attorney what you need to do in your state to get guardianship over your mother (both person and estate) if that's the way it works where you are. The POA only works for you to do things for her and to act in her behalf as long as she consents. She has the power at any time to revoke that POA. If she is competent enough to find an advocate or get an attorney in that nursing home, even in her state of dementia, she can do whatever she wants - unless someone has guardianship over her person and her estate. At least that's the way it is in my state. Here, you can get guardianship over the person or the estate, or both - depends on the situation. The hoops aren't really that difficult to go through, it's not that expensive and you might even be able to be reimbursed from her account for attorney fees, etc. I think here you have to have a doctor's written statement as to her dementia, and the court appoints an attorney to represent the patient. Linda, you may reach a point where you won't visit very much at all, even with supervised visitation. It just may be too difficult for you, and she could even reach a point where she is thrown into a rage when you just show up. You aren't the first person this has happened to and it's always heartbreaking and mentally and physically exhausting. Just promise me that you will know in your heart that you have done the best you can, all you can, and that later in life you will NOT remember her like this. All my love and great big hugs, Peggy

Tears of joy and a song of Praise! That was my reaction to this, Cindi. You are a tough little rascal, and you are going to live! Praise God! If you, or anyone else, knows the doxology, that song and the words to that song were instantly what came in my mind. I threw my head back, a few tears surfaced, and all I could think was "Praise God from whom all blessings flow. . ." I can remember as a kid that was my favorite part of church - even when I didn't understand anything else. To me, it was kind of like the way the organ player loudly begins the announcement on the organ of the wedding march. They didn't have the high tech equipment, microphones and keyboards like today, but they had a very nice piano and organ, and boy, they would play it loud. It was always sung after the offering and communion and everybody came to their feet, instantly and simultaneously. The combination of the simultaneous standing, loud organ and joyous singing would give me goose bumps every time. At the very end, there was a long drawn out Aaaahhhhmen! I was probably 7 or 8 and I knew the words, and I could hardly wait for the doxology. I knew we were praising God, that's for sure, and it sure felt good. It felt good today, too, praising God for you. You'll see me at the pub. I never left from Tina's Bash. Oh, I didn't drink, but I haven't stopped drinking Starbucks, so I've been wide awake since Saturday and am still dancing! See you there! Oh, and here's the song we are going to sing when you walk through the door. I sure hope you know it - It will mean so much more. We will be standing and applauding: http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/p/r/praisegf.htm Love you, girlfriend, Peggy

I'M DEVASTATED. It's midnight and I just spent the past 45 minutes writing a response here and when I hit Submit, I was automatically logged out and I lost the WHOLE THING. One of my very own tips to Newcomers (a sticky) is to copy your words in your post so that doesn't happen . . . . and I didn't do it. Cuss! Cuss! Cuss! Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. I'm going to bed . . . . . .

Ok. Count me in this time. I need to be with all of you. I think I'll wear something bright with sparkling sequins. I'd love to have a Bud Lite with Frank. I quite drinking anything many years ago because there is so much alcoholism in my family, but just one wouldn't hurt would it? Warning: I remember well that I get very giggly when I drink. Oh well, a little giggling right now will feel so good. I'm on the way. Make the music fast and happy. Will somebody dance with me? Love you all, Peggy

Hello everybody. I’ve not been posting much because I have not been well - mentally. I spent over an hour writing a big long thing to you about with all the details about a breakdown I have just gone through, but I deleted it all. You don’t need the details, just the solution. This is all I have to say about it: I broke. In the past six years, I have gotten through the loss of my mom, my dad and my Nana, and after a short time, I recovered nicely, but Don’s death took me down. When someone asks me how I am doing, I say “OK”. I’m not ok. I suppressed my grief, held it in, fought back the tears, refused to dump on everyone who has offered to help me, and said I was ok. I wasn’t. The only reason I’m even writing this to you is because in less than one week, I am better than I have been in 10 months. I’m better because I got help and started talking. I want you to know this because some of you are where I am, or will be some day. It might be caused by grief, or divorce, or a child gone bad, or depression for any reason. Some of you have handled your grief exactly the way I have. You’re keeping it to yourself. The only reason I’m getting better is because I tearfully and sincerely, totally broken, cried out to God last Sunday to help me. He didn’t “speak” to me, but somehow, He made me start talking! On Monday, I started talking. I started calling the right people, and talked and cried right out loud. I wasn’t just tearful and weepy – I cried and made those ugly noises that we don’t want others to hear when we’re crying really hard. I started “dumping”. Before my cry for help, I would get those burning tears, choke them back in the middle of a conversation, get a grip, and just continue the conversation. After all, I’m strong, right? And it’s not right to burden others, right? I didn’t want to burden the ones that TOLD ME repeatedly to call them ANY TIME. I couldn’t do that. They would feel bad about it, wouldn’t know what to say, and feel bad about that. So, I suppressed it – kicked it back and refused to let it get me. God immediately sent me everybody I needed to help me through this. I’m in counseling now, have a wonderful support group already, and have been talking about myself all week. I’m focused on me for a while and not everybody else and their problems. I can’t help anyone else right now until I get myself re-filled. I’m empty and lost without Don. I know how to function without him and am, but I don’t know how to live without him – that is to live and be happy again. We were married for 38 years. I used to tell people we were born married. I’m functioning and doing a pretty good job of it, but my heart isn’t in anything that I’m doing. My heart is broken, shattered, and smashed. It’s gotten worse as the one-year anniversary approaches. Since I finally started talking about it, I’ve learned that’s normal. So, in summary, I’m not writing this post to get words of sympathy. I’m writing to you to tell you that if you are depressed (about ANYTHING – not just grieving), start talking. Don’t think that you don’t need to talk or counsel. I had that attitude and was “losing.” And just a side note, I don't mean whining. There’s a big difference between whining and talking to get help, and the difference is obvious. The whiners don’t want to get well, they just want to whine. They choose to be miserable and don’t want to even try to get well. They want attention and want to stay in the pits. I cried out to God for HELP! He answered with people for me to talk to. He wants me to talk about it, stop suppressing it and to get it out. I just thought there might be someone else out there that needed to hear this. In a very stern voice, the first counselor I saw (my son’s counselor) told me this: “There are people that have made themselves available to you and you’re not utilizing them. If they didn’t want to be “burdened” they would not have made themselves available. I asked you who you were talking to a couple of months after Don died. You said you weren’t talking to anybody. I told you that you needed to be talking to somebody or the grief was going to catch up with you. I invited you to come and talk to me, but you said it wouldn’t help bring him back. I want you to call the people that have told you to call them.” That got my attention. She was right. So, I did, and it worked. Talk therapy works! If you’re having problems coping with your grief, or with anything, please start talking to someone about it, but be sure it's someone who can or will help you. That’s why I wrote that post to Carleen. Before Keith got to the actual dying process, I wanted her to just keep talking – to talk about Keith and their life together, to tell us the good stuff and the bad stuff. I just wanted her to keep talking. Unfortunately, Keith didn’t have the two weeks as predicted and there wasn’t time. I pray that some day she reads this and will talk to someone. By the way, if you're the "talkee" (ha!), that is, the listener, don't worry about what to say. You don't have to say anything or offer solutions, just be there, love them, hug them and hold their hand. Just listen and let the person get it out. Here’s my “talk it out” for tonight: Don’s not coming back. He’s never coming back. I’ve had these crazy visions of him leaning against the sink with his smart-aleck the-joke’s-on-you-grin saying “Just kidding. I didn’t die. Now, what the hell did you do to my house?” Seriously! I really have imagined that just exactly that way! It isn’t going to happen. God bless you all! Love, Peggy

Oh, Carleen, I was so afraid of this when you weren't posting the past couple of days. My hands automatically grasped my throat when I saw just the subject line in Grieving. I'm just so incredibly sorry. Any and all words escape me. I don't think there are any. I just wish I could hold you and let you cry and cry and cry on my shoulder. May God bless you and keep you, Carleen. I know He will. Love, Peggy