Addie

Bumping this back up and waiting for word too! Prayers are with you, Mo!!

Awwwww.....welcome to the world, little one. And congrats to Grampy and Grammy! Sounds like you have a full weekend ahead and lots to celebrate, Becky....so enjoy and plant a gentle kiss on that sweet new little boy's head for me! About the ex? (Got a couple of those myself. I guess you could say it goes Hertz, Avis and then Addie....cuz I'm #3!! ) well...you're the "current" and anyway, it should all be about the new little one and his parents, right? Hope all the joy for the new arrival takes precedence!

Janet... I came looking for this post, after seeing your other post where you were so disappointed in the lack of replies to this one. I am fairly new here myself....but I do know that weekends and other times can be quiet around here when people are busy with their real lives. Please don't feel like you were being ignored. As I said....I'm new here too...have just been around about 3 weeks....and the depth of caring here is beyond belief. Now...to address your questions: you know your own fear and emotions over your brother right now....so I'm sure you can imagine how HE feels with the news he's been handed. It's likely what you are feeling, and then magnified. I don't think it's unusual for some people to close themselves off until they can absorb such news....and this may be what your brother is doing. It's neither right nor wrong of him....it's just how it is....how he chooses to cope at this moment. As for what you should do....I don't know that I can offer any advice other than to follow your heart and try not to presume how it will go if you do decide to go see him. Try to just let it happen or evolve as it will....because what will matter to you later on, is that you did follow your heart. Nobody here could guess at the specifics of his diagnosis...and it's possible that he might still be getting tests to determine all that. I will keep you and your brother in my prayers....and hope that you find a way to calm your fears a little and get some real info....plus be able to communicate in some way with your brother. Again....follow your heart on all of this...it's as good a guide as any of us get sometimes. Best wishes and keep us posted...please.

Don....how did you get so wise? I love the way you say things!

That makes me smile. I'm so glad she sounded good...and will continue to send prayers for a speedy homecoming and recovery.

Elaine....my "boys" are 30 and 25 and my husband's son is 41....so yeah, I DO have a few years on you!! I'll be 58 in a few months. My youngest...for a while...picked up the habit of having 2-3 cigarettes if he was out for a night of partying with the guys. I was pretty shocked when I realized he was doing this...but he stopped about a year ago and he never smoked otherwise. For a while, it seemed to go along with the beer for him...I guess. Now...I want to say to you....do NOT be ashamed of envying others their years....but remember too, that you're still here! And as long as you are...YOU provide hope to others that you may not even be aware of....maybe others younger than you. All the emotions we have are God given. Some, of course, we try to minimize....but to envy or covet what someone else has isn't inherently shameful and, in fact, is human nature! Cut yourself a break on these feelings...as they are quite normal under the circumstances and clearly not the way you feel ALL the time! As for my confidence in beating this cancer...well, obviously NONE of us have any guarantees. Heck...cancer aside....that dang beer truck of Becky's could get all of us...huh? But I know that I was fortunate that this was caught when it was...and quite honestly, after some of what I've lived thru over the past 30-some years.....well, it's just my nature to take on something like this with a positive attitude and to focus on educating myself as much as possible. The unknown terrifies me much more than the known....so when I'm feeling a little shaky.....I either take a "time out" and distract myself with something else entirely OR I focus on researching, getting information and writing down the questions I will later ask the doctors! Attacking things this way, gives me a focus....a purpose...and makes me feel like I'm doing SOMETHING and not being passive about having cancer. It's what works for me. If there comes a time that it doesn't work for me to be this way...then I'll try to figure out something else. I think that's what we all do, in some sense. Just try to find a way to keep putting one foot ahead of the other, keeping the fear at bay and hoping for the best. Most of the time, we still have choices and of course, we all have each other here too. I genuinely hope that by sharing all the feelings you have, Elaine....that when you wake up tomorrow...things seem brighter...more hopeful than fearful. I hope you feel more like the real you....the you that you are most comfy with. And I hope too, that you will find comfort and strength in knowing that so many here are reaching out a hand and want to listen and help, if possible. Remember too...that having cancer doesn't have to change everything. There still are reasons to laugh, enjoy your kids, do normal things....so indulge yourself in some of that. Any life needs some balance. Maybe those with cancer need it a bit more.....eh? Seize as many "normal" moments as you can and laugh as often as you can. And when you need a hand.....just reach out. I'll be thinking of you... ******* A quick P.S. on having feelings we're not proud of: There is this guy we know from our golf club who is 80. He's got a great sense of humor but otherwise is sort of a user of others. He drinks a lot...and can often be very nasty when drunk. He's been telling everyone about my cancer. And I mean everyone! I knew once word sort of got out...that when HE found out, it would be like a billboard in Times Square. And it's okay that people know...that's not what has me so irked at him I could spit. What's NOT okay and what is causing me some less than kind thoughts....is that in the last week....he's seen my husband no less than 5 times and HAS NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGED ANYTHING to my hubby. Hasn't said, "Tough break" or "I'm thinking of you" or "How is she?"......nothing. Yet he's running around with the juiciest bit of news to hit that place in a while....and is telling EVERYONE......and Elaine.....he's had 80 years to become an insensitive jerk and a mean drunk! Somehow that doesn't quite seem right. See....I have some thoughts too that I'm not proud of.

As I've said already....I'm just a few steps into this journey....so maybe I have no right to even TRY to relate to how it feels to some of you who are much further down the road. But.....that probably won't stop me from trying! I've buried most of my family. Aside from my hubby and kids and my in-laws....there is only a sister who's been estranged from the family for 20 years. So....I've got quite a bit of experience with being the one left behind and how to deal with grief. I lost my father when I was 27, just 8 days away from giving birth to my first child....and let me tell you, there is NO good way to prepare even an adult child for the possibility of losing a parent. No matter what....it hurts and it shocks and it causes pain and loss. Pain is part of life and if WE can't avoid it....neither can we fully protect our kids or other loved ones from it. Maybe the best any of us can do is show them and tell them how much we love them....and let THEM say what they need to say to us. I don't think it's ever easy discussing one's mortality with loved ones....but I do know that when my mother was undergoing treatment and finally got to where she could acknowledge that she wasn't going to beat her colon cancer....that it allowed a much more open, honest dialogue between us, about virtually everything. Prior to that, I had stuffed a lot of what I wanted to say....NEEDED to say to her....because she had been a bit of an ostrich up to that point. She wasn't ready to take it all in....just how advanced or serious her cancer was. And so I waited.....until she she had taken it in, and then we had some very loving, very important conversations. I treasure being able to have talked to her that openly.....that genuinely. She told me her wishes.....and I was able to address things I wanted to be extra sure SHE knew. And while it was hard waiting until I felt Mom was ready to have those discussions.....it was necessary. My mom was one of my best friends. I lost her Christmas Eve l985 and miss her still. Betweeen l994 and l998....I lost three aunts, my only American male cousin (who was virtually like a brother to me), a sister and three extended family members! I barely had time to breathe between the losses. But not one of them died not knowing what was in my heart....and I believe to this day, thru all the losses....that it's the one thing that has saved me from regrets. I let them all know what was in my true heart. At this point in time....I have the positive attitude of a survivor with every intention of curing this cancer. Until there is some strong evidence that that's not going to happen....I have told everyone NOT to cry any tears for me. To simply send me positive thoughts.....mental "hard hats" to fight this beast. That might not work for everyone...but it's what feels right to me for now. But I still intend, at some point, to have a more honest discussion with my two sons. My oldest tends to avoid such "maudlin" stuff, as he calls it. Whenever I mention anything about "someday when I'm not around"....he sort of avoids the topic and I always have backed off. Maybe I won't back off anymore......and maybe, Elaine, it's something for you to think about in terms of your kids, too...and trying to protect them. They may well be trying to protect you, too.....and what gets accomplished if everyone is sort of tiptoeing around what is on their minds? My oncologist said something to me today that applies here too, I think. He said, "Sometimes people really want to help or do something for you...but they don't quite know what it could be. If there is some way you can allow them to help...giving you a ride, shopping for you, whatever....it makes them feel good too, as if they are contributing something to your well being". Makes sense even when applied to our kids, our spouses, our other family...AND perhaps even to the gift of truth. I think it's Dr. Phil you says, "You gotta name it to claim it". Well I'll go him one better and say, "You gotta claim it to stop the fear, or at least ease the fear!" Putting some words to some of the dark thoughts or feelings may just help. You've put some of them down here.....and the burden of them is already shared and will continue to be for as long as you want to keep putting the words down. That's part of what we are all here for. Youve made ME think about things that might otherwise have taken me months to get to. This is helpful, Elaine. I hope that for both you and Dave...there will be some comfort, some answers, some ideas in all the thoughts others are contributing here....that will help you....that will ease things a little....let a little more light into the darkness. One thing I did tell both my sons.....is to expect a wide range of emotions and even some anger.....perhaps anger at me. I smoked. Their father smoked. Neither of my sons smokes......do I get kudos for that? How two smokers managed to raise two NON smokers is almost a miracle in itself....but I figure I redeemed myself somehow with this little feat! But...I don't want them having angry feelings and then feeling guilty about it. I told them....I'm actually a little p.o.'d at MYSELF....because I knew a long time ago I should quit! I'm being as honest as I can with them so far. I haven't yet had a lot of real fear....I think, in part, because I flip-flopped it over into having a purpose......fighting this thing, educating myself, staying positive, staying as healthy as possible otherwise, getting enough rest, eating right. At the moment, I'm trying to keep myself too busy to be too fearful. We'll all walk this journey in our own way. But coming here....means that no matter what....there are others out there at all hours of the day or night...who'll walk with us for a while, and make us feel not so alone....not so scared....not so much in the dark. That's a huge help all by itself....and a major ray of light in an otherwise dark disease. Hanging on to that....seems very smart to me. I'm so glad this place is here!

Elaine...again, I'm going to try to see if I'm "getting" what it is you are putting out here. I think you are expressing feelings that any of us COULD feel....and that's why it seems very important to me to try to understand....to get a handle on what it is you're trying to express. I do, at the very least, know how difficult it is sometimes to put emotions into words....especially when they feel all jumbled up inside. I know I've already sort of put up the brave front at times, for my husband, kids and best friend....probably seeming more "normal" or strong than I felt at the time. So I can relate to that sense of being other than how we really feel inside, for the sake of those we love. And at other times, if someone has complained about this or that....some minor gripe or complaint....I think to myself, "What does it matter? Why is something like that so important to you?" Whether or not the person complaining even KNOWS about my cancer doesn't seem to matter....I just find myself being irked that "anything less than a cancer dx" would bug them so much....you know? (Okay, that was an exaggeration....that "anything less than...", but I'm sure you know what I mean. One's priorities are different when cancer is a part of the picture.) I think the fear is a part of this disease that is very hard to make go away completely. Some fear is always going to be there...just like any other difficult experience in life often leaves a residue of fear in our hearts. And sometimes the only way to get past such emotion....is to work our way THRU it. Allow yourself to feel the fear....fully, perhaps....for a limited time. Then go distract yourself with.....LIFE. With something positive. Sometimes allowing ourselves to really feel what we feel, helps us get beyond it....rather than trying to stuff it or hide it or put on the brave front or be some way OTHER than what we truly feel at that moment. I don't know if anything I'm saying really reflects what YOU are trying to tell us about how you feel. Or maybe I just am not expressing myself well. But I truly WANT to understand your feelings....as I'm sure others do....because this place is all about helping each other...leaning on each other. And you've shared this....which gives us a chance to help...or support...or maybe take away some of the fear and give you a greater feeling of strength. I have to cut this short...have an apptmt with my onc doc. But I will be back later. I think this is such an important discussion.....

Thank you, Hebbie!! You know, I keep telling myself that I'm going to BE a survivor. But how much better is it to know that I ALREADY AM? Every single day I wake up now....I have survived cancer another day. That is a positive way to look at it and to feel about it. I printed out this thread....and will check into the links as well. Thank you!!

Welcome, Don.... It sounds like your mom has a great advocate (and son) in you! I too, am sorry you have to be here. I'm sorry ANY of us have to be here....but the fact is, this is a wonderful place to find support, caring, information and advice. Prayers for your mom and you, and please keep us posted on how she is doing.

Congratulations....and I too hope this is the last you ever need to see of any ports.....unless it's a case of arriving at one on a cruise ship! Enjoy the day....I'm sure you will!!

Ah, Peggy....hope you got a good night's sleep...and I'm chuckling here over the full disclosure requirement....but perhaps it's a really good idea. How can we know exactly how to structure our prayers...if we don't have all the details...eh? I'll be looking for your report....but know that the prayers are still coming....even if they're not yet specific to your needs.

Dear Elaine.... I think I'm going to have to print out your post.....and consider it all for a long, long time. I thank you very much for posting it!! I think - in your own eloquent way - you've touched on a few very important things....not the least of which being that since WE are all "limited editions".....so too are our experiences with cancer. The physical, mental and spiritual experiences will be as uniquely individual as we are. Therefore, NONE of them can be said to be too "odd", goofy or "wrong" to talk about!! I'm barely starting out on this journey. It hasn't even been a month since I heard the dx......and already, I feel like I've covered a ton of spiritual and mental ground....so many "possibilities"....so many things I've thought about, considered, ruminated over that quite likely....I'd have left in some corner of my brain for a while, were it not for hearing those words, "You have lung cancer". Fear takes you on some interesting mental journeys. Having cancer is a life altering event. For me....it's partly that thing about - once you have cancer and even if you're deemed "cured"....it's sort of like a home invasion. Our bodies were invaded by the cancer against our will...and if it happened once, it can happen again. That, to me, says that living with cancer is living - always - with a certain sense of vulnerability that is somehow different from other illnesses. At least, that's how I see it so far. And as I said, I'm just beginning this journey. There is SO much to assimilate....because I don't think any of us want to live with fear being a part of our daily state of mind. Denial doesn't quite feel comfortable either. It's hard to sort through ALL of the emotions we feel...and find a balance that leans more towards strength, determination and a positive attitude towards being the VICTOR in this battle. There are too many "fear of the unknowns"....I suppose. Waiting for test results to see how treatment is working...or where we stand. Feeling every ache, twinge, pain or physical difference as a warning or alert, raising the fear level again. I read some of that vulnerability here, in the posts of others....and I try to keep myself aware, yet balanced. I know there will be some rougher times ahead...and I try to prepare for that too....just as I'm eating like a pig right now to boost myself before radiation starts in a couple of weeks or so. Maybe, as a sort of bottom line to your thoughts....as I interpret them....what you're really saying is that cancer upends us. Turns our lives upside down. It's like looking in a Funhouse mirror. All of a sudden everything we "knew" or believed in seems somehow changed. Different. Scary. We no longer have the same sense of security or order or normalcy in our lives and we're just not quite sure HOW to deal with what feels unreal in a sense. It's sort of like being on the inside of a funnel....a tornado....and we WANT to feel grounded, solid, secure.....but we don't. We can't yet. And yes, nightime is the worst. Already it has been for me. Mornings....especially when the sun is out....seem hopeful and bright and happy to me. I can almost forget. But nights are dark....and so they encourage dark thoughts. Do you keep a journal? Perhaps if you wrote your thoughts down in a journal on the nights you feel most at sea....or alone, adrift in your own mind.....it would help. Things in black and white that we can look at and see, seem somehow less scary than the thoughts floating around in our heads....don't you think? Or else....distract yourself at night. Watch a movie...a comedy! Or read a good book...and lose yourself in that. A favorite magazine maybe? Or go "window shopping" on the net or in the newspaper. Yes, we are more than bodies and prayers. We are spirits. We are our emotions. And under the circumstances, I believe we have every right to surround ourselves only with those who will support us in the ways that we need right now. Tuesday, I had my radiation mapping. The nurse I mostly dealt with was so dispassionate, matter of fact....borderline "cold" that I came away from the appointment and cried more that day that I have up to this point. She, in fact, terrorized me with her demeanor....the lack of empathy, the very matter-of-factness (without ONE empathetic smile in the whole exchange between us!!) of how she presented me with the information.....some of which WAS simply terrifying in its own right! I mean radiation to the chest ain't a cake walk....NOR were we discussing a new transmission for my car. But we may as well have been! I have decided that should I need further services from a nurse in radiation oncology....it won't be from her. She didn't do anything wrong, really. She just is NOT a personality that gave me any comfort or sense of compassion. And I'm sorry.....but right now I don't need "calm, cool and efficient".....I need a little empathy until I fully absorb what I've been handed! Sorry...got off on my own little tangent there....but your words, Elaine....ALL of them are thought provoking and important. I will follow this discussion...as I believe already, that this diagnosis takes us places in our minds that we never figured on going. I believe things happen for a reason and that even in the very worst of times, there is always some sort of silver lining. I expect to be paying a lot of attention to things that I perhaps paid little attention to before. If I have to go thru this experience...I want to find EVERY single BIT of "good" that may come from it. I do not believe this experience IS or has to be "all bad". Call me a Pollyanna....I don't care. This belief is what will help see me thru. When I survive.....not IF, but WHEN.....there will be something I need to do to "pay back" or pay it forward for the gift of survival. I believe that too. It's only by thinking about the sort of things that you've brought up....that I will figure out what it is I will need to do. Again....thank you for this post. I hope a lot of people jump in with their thoughts...as I think this sort of "hard to express" discussion can be very important.

From all your posts, I have to say Alan is one lucky guy to have such a loving sister! I send my prayers for Alan...and for you, who has given him so much love and care.

Shelly....forgive me if my memory is faulty here and it wasn't you that said this....but I'm remembering you saying in another post that your dad was given the WRONG medication (by his brother?) when you weren't there and had left instructions to only give him (whatever the right med is).....am I remembering right? Well...certainly I'd think the wrong med could account for some of dad's odd reactions/behavior.....not to mention him being dehydrated! I'm so sorry the family just leaves this to you and then criticizes all your efforts. Proof that no good deed goes unpunished.....eh? Hang in there, Shelly....it sounds like the results of dad's tests are a lot better than what you likely anticipated....and I'm continuing my prayers that you get some better answers and that dad gets the help he needs! Hoping that PET scan provides some answers!

Prayers on their way to Mo. Thanks for letting us know and please keep us posted!

After looking at the front page of our paper this morning, I turned to page two where I found this same article!! I found it hopeful and encouraging and thought it was about bleepin' time somebody updated the growing survival rates that we, here, know to be true!! I mean, we all know how dismal much of the survival information is on the web....so to have this published and out there is, I think, very definitely a good offset to other, more depressing statistics. Without hope....all of life is a struggle. If we walked out our doors each day and didn't even "hope" to make it across the street in traffic.....then why try...huh? (I'm thinking of that beer truck Becky keeps mentioning! ) So any news that is hopeful, encouraging and positive NEEDS to be heard....and I, for one, was quite happy to see this article! Not to mention the other "bonus" of this article...which is that it reminds the public that lung cancer is still #1 and since none of us are invincible....maybe such articles will encourage more research and funding into the #1 cancer.....eh?

I'm another of those newbies who is so inspired by your story and your reaching this 5 year mark! You just prove the power of a strong spirit, humor and the will to keep fighting the good fight! ( I don't even want to THINK about a remodel in the middle of all this.....oy!! ) I look forward to many more years of your wisdom and the next post and celebration five more years down the road....and then another five after that, and so on. Congrats, Fay!

What a wonderful report! So happy the surgery was not so extensive and that the surgeon expects a quick recovery! Looking forward to hearing from you soon, Nancy! Heal quickly and hurry back to let us know how you are. Sending you speedy healing vibes!

Shelly... Sending you strength vibes and keeping you and your dad in my prayers. I agree with others who say you need to try to get some needed rest and to just put aside the comments, blame or issues of others. You know what you feel in your heart and all you've done for your dad...and no one else's words can take that away from you. I hope that being in the hospital and getting rehydrated will help restore your dad to more normal behavior. Just know it's not him talking right now....and don't let the words wear on you. Once he's rehydrated he may be much more himself. Hang in there...and know we're all right here with you.

I'm almost a month out from not smoking and the cough is a lot better. Very little tickle anymore. Now...about these optical migraines...which it seems a lot of people have also encountered....I'm pretty well convinced that they are greatly impacted by stress level! Years ago...when I got my first one....I was out on the golf course!! Not at all stressed!! Over the next 6-8 years I had maybe 5-6 of the migraines....and the headaches never were that bad. Since my cancer dx....I've had numerous optical migraines and mostly on days when I was particularly stressed. Have even had two in one day!! I think breathing deeply, and lying down and closing one's eyes for 15-20 minutes will take care of most of it. It does for me, anyway. I may still end up with a bit of a headache afterwards...but most of the time I don't even bother with a Tylenol for it. I just finished my first round of chemo on the 30th.....so hadn't even started chemo when I had 6 optical migraines between the 13th and 24th of May!!! Haven't had one since, (knock wood ) but imagine there will be more stressful days ahead and I'll probably see that silvery, winking arrow again!

Well, that stinks....eh? But...now you can just look forward to rescheduling the trip at a time when you've got your energy back and are feeling fit to travel! Hope that time comes real soon, Mo! Feel better!

Thanks, Beck....I needed to hear it from someone who's been thru it. If you could get Oreos down....then so can I!

Two years ago I tried to quit smoking and was doing very well on my own. Then my doctor said I really shouldn't be trying to do it without some help and he put me on Wellbutrin. It really didn't agree with my system very well. I had some severe mood swings and truly, for an anti-depressant, it depressed the %$^# out of me!! Needless to say I went back to smoking. Well...the day I had the biopsy to find out what that "patch" in my lung was all about, was the day I smoked my last cigarette. That was only 26 days ago...but I found fear to be a good motivator. I heard somewhere....maybe it was here....that treatment works better if you can quit smoking. I want to give myself every shot at beating this thing....so I no longer smoke! Do I still reach for my pack sometimes? Yes. Do I miss a smoke after a meal? Yeah....although less and less each day. I have gum here and nicotine patches...but have not had to use either one yet. They always say a person won't quit until they REALLY want to and are ready to quit. Well....I must have been ready because I have to say it's been easier than I thought it would be.

Here I've been doing so well...staying positive...made it thru the first round of chemo with nothing much worse than a bit of fatigue....and now I'm half terrified after meeting with radiation oncology today. I had the simulation and got the little tattoo marks and they loaded me up with info and all the possibilities. I've been reading thru some of this stuff...and I can't help it, I'm getting nervous. Mostly about being able to keep myself boosted nutritionally in order to avoid the feeding tube.....and then they scare the bejeebers out of you too, about what happens to your skin! I will go in each time, early, for the IV infusion of amifostine, which is the radiation protection. But even THAT can cause nausea and b.p. problems and a rash and I've got to take anti-nausea meds an hour before and then drink half a swimming pool of water with it to make sure I'm hydrated. Fear of the unknown again, I guess. I mean, once things are under way maybe it won't be so bad...but I need someone who's been there to talk me thru it a bit....give me some first hand info on what I might expect. I probably won't start the radiation until the week of the 21st...and I don't want to lose another 5 lbs. worrying about it betweeen now and then. I'm BREATHING....I promise. And trying to relax. But anyone who's had the mediastinum radiated....can you tell me how it was for you? How did you eat when it was hard to eat? WHAT did you eat or drink? I need some tips on keeping the weight on....and tell me too, were you good about trying to exercise a little in order to keep your energy up? Give me the primer on radiation, please. How to prepare for it and how to get thru it with a minimum of problems. Thanks!