Suzie Q

Deepest sympathies to you and your family. ~Karen

A few things to consider... 1. Is she taking her pain meds consistently? I have been told that it is imperative that cancer patients stay on top of the pain with their meds and not wait until the pain is really bad to take their pain meds. At that point, it is much more difficult to get it under control. A pain clinic may be able to offer better help than her oncologist. Plus, I wonder how much of this she is communicating with her onc. Patients often present an overly optimistic demeanor with their doctors and do not let on how much discomfort they are experiencing. 2. What is she taking for the nausea? There are many options for this. If her present med is not working well enough, try something else. 3. How would they travel? Can your dad wheel her through the airport to the gate without much difficulty for him? I ask this, because even if you request assistance and a wheelchair when you purchase airline tickets, the airport may not have enough staff to wheel her to the gate, and may expect your dad to do so. 4. If they decide to come, request a wheelchair when the tickets are purchased. You have to call the airline to arrange for this. Also, ask for handicapped seating. 5. Locate a cancer center near you that will accept your mom's insurance, and see if they will administer her chemo treatment. My mom did this so she could visit my brother & family in Dallas/Ft Worth, and it worked out beautifully. But do this well in advance as they will want copies of her medical records and may want to talk with her onc so everyone is on the same page. Ecourage them to visit! You've all waited for 3 years for this, go ahead and do it! 6. If it is not possible for them to visit, perhaps you could go by yourself. I know, 6 kids...but with the right arrangements, it can be done. All the best to you, Karen

Doggonit! Emphasize that staying on top of the pain will HELP him fight, as the pain is now sapping all his energy. Maybe he can try a pain patch? I am sure there is something that can allo him to be somewhat clear-headed. Hospice is the dreaded "H" word no one wants to hear, but it can be a blessing for the caregiver. Whether you choose in-home hospice or a hospice facility, They do offer support, and take care of arranging for home medical equipment, meds, everything. However, be aware that many in-home hospices only offer a nurse visit once a week, and a personal aide (for help with washing up, shaving, etc) two or three times a week, sometimes more if required based on need. But it seems that it is expected that the family take on most of the care. Sometimes people are surprised by that. It was the most difficult conversation we ever had with our mom, regarding hospice services. She was incredulous that it was time for that, but ultimately agreed. No matter what, I do hope he will accept some pain relief. I wish it were different, but you are in my prayers. ~Karen

So sorry for your loss. ~Karen

Why do the carrot packaging people insist on printing "baby peeled carrots" on the label? Shouldn't it be "peeled baby carrots?" Just my gripe for the day... Karen

You guys hang in there! Your husband sounds like a very determined man (with a VERY determined wife at his side)!

Good to see you post, though I wish it were with better news. Keeping both of you in my thoughts and prayers. BTW, is there a new plan in place, in light of the dz progression? ~Karen

Please accept my deepest sympathies. ~Karen

Consider calling other family members living close by to check in on your mom on those days when you cannot make it there. Or have her stay overnight once in a while, if she is able and your home can accomodate her. It is very hard to be alone and seriously ill. Your mom has a lot of time on her hands, and she may fall into a mindset that the world revolves around all her issues and that she is being neglected, although in reality she is not neglected! Let her know how much you care, and ask her to name specific needs for you so that you can help arrange to get them met as best you can. And put brother to work on some of this! ~Karen

Randy, a truly bittersweet day. The love you and Deb shared was so special. You'll never forget how you felt that day, 11 years ago! And from what I''ve seen here, you honor her and your marriage every day of your life. You were blessed to have had each other, no matter the length of time. ~Karen

I know it is so hard, but you have to let go of the desire to know what happened. The details of where the cancer was are not relevant, because the reality is that the cancer so taxed her body systems that she had a rapid decline. I can completely relate to this. My mom was gone 9 days after signing up with Hospice, and I and my brothers had to convince her that it was, indeed, time for the "H" word. I think we get so accustomed to "fight" mode that we often lose sight of the reality of what is happening before our eyes, so it is hard to accept the signs of the inevitible. I hope the pain of the loss will abate. It's just so new and raw for you right now, and it just plain stinks! ~Karen your sister in the Motherless Daughters and Sons Club

Kim, perhaps you could ask if he would consider giving (or selling, depending on his nature) the ring and/or diamonds to you and your sis after you suggest he rethink giving your stepmom a ring made with the stones from his prior wedding ring. Good luck.

Nancy, I am so there right now! I think that's why it has taken nearly a year to get my parents' condo ready for sale. It was so comforting to be able to stop in there and see what remained of personal items (most of it was divided between us siblings a month after my mom passed), and I can attest to the therapeutic value of sortin through some things, though it was difficult. Now so much has been removed, it has been repainted and new floor and window coverings are being installed this week, and it seems now like my parents were never there. That's the hardest part, seeing it so empty and devoid of their touch... hugs to you, Karen

Grace, you are doing exactly what you should be doing, and it is right. Your pain must be so great, and I wish I could alleviate it. Just know that you are doing the right thing for Carlton and your family.

I actually go by two names. My given name is Karen, but my family has always called me Karry. When I was in second grade, I got my first phone call from a school friend. When she asked for Karen, my brother told her she had the wrong number! ~Karen

Deepest condolences to the family. I will miss Frank's humor and the best jokes around!

About one year after diagnosis(while receiving chemo) my mom treated the grandkids to an overnight stay at a hotel with a pool/hot tub. She didn't have any problems with the pool chemicals, although I will say she avoided the hot tub, and took breaks from the enclosed pool area because it exacerbated her SOB. She did not complain of skin problems from pool chemicals. The second year, her disease had progressed and she was on O2, but still wanted to do the same thing. She sat with the door ajar because the humidity and chemicals really compromised her breathing, and she did not go into the pool at all that time. Regardless, you should check with her doctor first. ~Karen

Both of my parents passed away last year at age 65, when I was 40. Dad died as a result of melanoma and mom died from NSCLC.

Me too, Don. Plus I will also have a donut to go with it. The unleaded version. With chocolate icing. Lots of icing!

You made the best decision you could at the time. And Nick is so right. She may have passed on in the same time frame regardless of treatment. Or she could have reacted badly to the antibiotics, for that matter. So, you see, looking back raises more questions than answers. And of course, you are now armed with the knowledge of the outcome, so no fair comparison is possible. But you have to let it go. Keep telling yourself you made the best decision you could. You really did. ~Karen

Maybe your primary doctor can lance it to get the infection out & let it heal?

Yes, I read this book. It was a very good read, and seemed to be directed at women of your age group more than mine, or at least women who had experienced their loss earlier in their lives. But do read it. I recently read a book called "The Empty Chair" or something like that. It's a real short paperback. It helps explain how to get through the holidays and anniversaries as they come up. I borrowed it from my brother; I can get more info later.

sugar and spice

I say, "Why do you ask?" That puts the ball in their court. If they want to enter into a deeper discussion, fine. If not, fine. But really, what difference does it make? Would they nod smugly if a woman had cervical cancer, figuring she MUST have contracted the sexually-transmitted HPV virus (which can cause cervical CA)? It's hard to maintain your patience and dignity with the ignorant. But do try...most are not malicious, they are merely uninformed. ~Karen

I am a healthy 41-year-old, and I JUST got over my 3 week episode with vertigo. This was not dizziness, but rather a spinning sensation following a significant change of head position. It came on inexplicibly, and went away on its own, which is usually the case for vertigo, based on my internet search results. It can take quite a long time to subside. My mom would sometimes get it, and she would take Antivert, as prescribed by her doc. Heart palpitations can be scary. What kind of workup did they do for her heart?