Suzie Q

Dar, I suggest getting a counselor for her to talk to, and perhaps both of you would benefit. Also, see if your mom would like to join some group activities. Does she have any friends in the area? Perhaps someone could take her to lunch. But start slowly. She's way too comfortable in her cocoon and does need to venture out, but may not be able to go out on her own, like if you were to drop her off somewhere. Even though she lives with you, it is ok for you to set boundaries and let her know that she cannot be constantly entertained by you. You and your family WILL sometimes go out without her, and she will sometimes go out without you. Again, a counselor may help here. If she won't go, ask her to go with you to help YOU deal with some of the issues related to the cancer, even if it is just a ruse to get her there in the first place. I do understand you feeling smothered. I hope you can get some help and relief. ~Karen

There are often food services for the needy who would welcome a volunteer on Thanksgiving Day! Maybe you could ask your daughter if she would like to visit you later in the day for a snack and/or dessert? That way, you could still see her, just without the ex.

Sorry about the clinical trial. Hope you get a game plan in place soon. ~Karen

Shoot! I did not hear from our friend! She wouldn't like me anyway. I don't teach jogs, I want to save the world, and I am not a male. My guess is it's a mail-order bride business based in the US, hopint to drum up business via SPAM. Scum of the earth to do that here. Let the prospective "American grooms" find the service on their own!

And does the bioidentical progesterone have a name? Is it something you can get OTC? I'm 41, and getting some peri-menopausal symptoms, and would like to be informed and aware of the options I have when the time arises. Thanks for posting this, Linda. Karen

Definitely call the onc. Usually the fatigue hit my mom at about days 8 or 10 post chemo, though she would get diarrhea whenever and the nausea on occasion, with no pattern to that. Sounds like these symptoms are occuring sooner than the usual case. My mom spent nearly the entire 2 years post diagnosis (diag at stage IV, like waaaaaay to many patients!) on some form of chemo. Her most limiting side effect was fatigue, but she pressed on and really lived quite well until the end. She never regretted any of it, and she was quite active, considering all things. In the 4 weeks after diagnosis, she had gone downhill so fast and was so fatigued and short of breath (couldn't finish a sentence without gasping) that I do not doubt she would have died within 4 to 6 weeks and they would not have been good weeks. The chemo gave her so much more life, and yes, it was a quality life! But Linda is so right that each person's disease process is highly individualized, so you can't base your decision on how someone else did on a particular regimen. Check out the topic "The Path Less Traveled" and see what those who have chosen to forego medical treatment have to say. I think that her nausea could be better controlled. There is a new Rx for chemo-related nausea, though I can't remember the name. And do not let the office staff or doctor off the hook; there are things they can do to help her! Even if it means adjusting her chemo dose or changing to another regimen that is not so harsh for her. She also may be dehydrated. THAT will make a person feel like crud, and it can be very serious. Keep in mind that she is highly susceptible to every contagion, and may have picked up an influenza bug. I so hope that she feels better soon. No one wants to be that miserable. ~Karen

I agree with Linda. Yes, he has been dealt a crappy hand. However, his abusive behavior must not continue. If that means he is left to fend for himself, so be it. Your safety and your childrens' safety ia paramount. He needs to hear this, regardless if the behavior is from chemo, brain mets, or frustration! He must take his prescription meds, he must follow up with the doctor regarding a head CT or MRI, and if it helps to hear all this from an authority figure (his onc), then by all means, do it! I know you love him; you are dedicated and have his best interests at heart. But you must preserve your family's health and stability. You would not allow a stranger to do this to you or to your kids, and you do not have to accept this from someone you love. I wish you all the strength and support in the world.

Terrye, This is so difficult - to stand back and accept whatever decision your loved one makes. Your job is to advocate for her and make sure she has all the info necessary to make an educated choice. Shauna's idea of writing out the pros and cons is a good one; you could push it further and add risks of surgery vs chemo. Chemo is risky, too, and either one or a combination of the two has benefits as well. If she elects to not have the surgery, it does NOT mean she doesn't want to fight the cancer. It just means she chooses to do it a different way. It really bugged my mom that her LCa was inoperable (she had multiple cancerous tumors in both lungs plus a subcarinal lymph node). She really wanted the primary tumor out! But her onc explained that the horse was already out of the barn, and FOR HER, it was better to look at systemic therapies that could eradicate or control the cancer cells already in circulation. Surgery would not improve her survivability. A second opinion never hurts. They often come to the same conclusion, or at least they confirm what the patient already was thinking about doing anyway. Best wishes to your mom, and please stop beating yourself up over this! You are doing a great job; your love for your mom is evident!

Funny, Don! We call them submariners - they only surface at Easter and Christmas!

Ok, Ok. My mom thought it was, "Doctor, doctor, fruit of the loom..." not "Doctor, doctor, give me the news..."

UpTOWN Girl

Ok, girl! Time to spill the beans. We're all here down at the pub, and it's elbow-to-elbow, and the mob is getting rowdy!

Sharon, Can I bribe you with chocolate?

quote: "Thinking how current LC treatment options/chemo. drug combos seem to have spawned from developments for other cancers and were never initially really developed for the particulars of LC. And besides, if that were true, we wouldn't have earmarked funds for various particular cancers, would we?" Linda, can you explain this? I'm not sure if you are posing a particular myth? ~Karen

Terrye, I'm sure it would be no problem for them to check your mom's blood count before the surgery to make sure everything is ok. Besides, they may plan to give her prophylactic antibiotics after the surgery. once you settle these things, try to relax and hope for the best.

Thanks, but I'll trade all that personal growth to have my parents back!

Plan that trip! Take that trip! ENJOY!!!

She sounds scared. Try to arrange for a person to stay with her when everyone is gone from the house, as Lori said. Keep asking her if she wants to do anything, go out, whatever. Even if she continues to decline offers to get her out of the house, keep asking, because she may one day change her mind but wait for the offer! I am so sorry about all of this. Your entire family has been turned upside-down. Bless you for caring so much!

Deepest sympathies to you. ~Karen

Deepest sympathies to you and your family. ~Karen

Confirms what you already knew. She IS at peace.

It seems that my mom pssed within 4 days of not eating or drinking. We did moisten her mouth with water from a "toothette" (sponge on a stick), but swallowing was no longer possible. At this point all her meds were in liquid drops placed under the tongue or between cheek & gum, or a dissolving tablet. However, no one can predict the amount of time a dying patient has left. This is why the nurse was so vague - she just doesn't have the answer. I truly believe that whoever is meant to be there when a loved one passes is there. So that doesn't mean you have to keep a bedside vigil, though you could if you chose to. But sometimes the patient chooses the moment you are out of the room, or you turn your head or answer the phone...My 10-year-old nephew so wanted to be with his grandma when she passed, but she left us in the wee hours of the morning. I wonder if mom knew and hung around to be sure he was not there to spare him the trauma. I know we all have visions of how things will go. But the reality is that it nearly never happens that way. I wish my mom had not been so out of it so we could have had some last, meaningful conversations, but that was not to be. She was in my house, with my two brothers and one sister-in-law sleeping in the same room, and me and my DH and girls upstairs, yet she passed when we all were asleep. We were all present, just not aware. So I guess my point is, don't get too emphatic about the moment. It's the moments leading up to it that are important. Are you thinking of taking time off of work? My heart aches for you at this time. ~Karen

Brandie, I'm sorry I do not have any experience with this, but I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. ~Karen

Yeah, but come on, guys, depending on the source, 70-90% of LC is smoking-related! So yes, emphasis should be on NOT smoking. Think of the decrease in all LC that could occur if only people would not smoke! That said, I do also wish that they would not treat it as a smokers-only disease. ~Karen

Congratulations all the way around.