Phone Calls...

[Treebywater]

Maybe you guys can help me understand a little... or give me some advice about what to do.

I have mentioned in other threads that I call Mom and Dad every day. I call to check in on how the day is going... see where Mom is at in things, see how Dad is feeling and dealing, and to know what their needs are... not to mention just to talk to my folks.

Most of the time, Mom doesn't want to talk to me. Well... I hope that is not true. Most of the time, Mom doesn't want to talk on the phone. I know it takes a tremendous amount of physical and emotional energy on some days. And I know if I was spending most of my day puking my guts out or being in pain I might not want to either.

But still, sometimes, it hurts. Different folks here have said, "Call just to say Hi and I love you." Well, I am trying to... but Mom doesn't want to take the phone to hear me say it. I WANT TO say it. I want to say it every day. If the beer truck comes to get me, Mom, or Dad, I want to know that that has been said, you know?

So... my questions are--can you help me to understand her point of view? PLEASE KNOW that each and every day I say, "Don't take it personally, Val. Mom loves you. She just can't do this today." I am not angry at her. I am just sad I guess.

Could this be one of her ways of creating a little distance to make things easier on top of her being very tired? Am I doing something wrong and wearing her out when she does talk? Should I just try other ways of saying I love you often... like send cards or notes or something?

And... Is it ok for me... or fair for me... to say--Mom... I'd like to talk to you more. And I understand it takes a lot of energy, but it would make me feel better to even just be able to say Hi, and I love you? Is that an ok request to make? Or would that make her feel guilty and/or be an unfair demand?

I wonder if things will be easier in this regard when I head back to be with them after wee farkle is born (by the way--only 8 days til my due date. ). I hope so, but I know there will be new challenges then.

Thanks all!

Val

[Justakid]

Val-

I don't have a direct answer for you. Mu brother calls me out of "duty" to talk and I just don't have the energy to deal with duty. I blow him off and only talk to him every few days.

Honestly I am so tired right now if I never showered or bathed again I'd be happy. It's something that has to be done at night. No energy but I make myself do all those things that have to be done, yet I am younger!

Have you discussed it with your dad? Maybe she is pulling away thinking it will be easier. Hang in there and keep trying. It only takes a moment to say I Love you.........................

[Ry]

Well there is a simple solution and that is to get a phone with a speaker option so your dad can put you on speaker and she can hear you and you can hear her without her having to make any effort. At any rate, you can say what you want and she can hear you. Good luck, I know it's hard for you. And good luck with the baby!

[kimblanchard]

After Jim started feeling worse, about the last two months, he didn't want to talk to anyone on the phone and he didn't want anyone to visit. He cared about them. He was just too tired. Sometimes he would get on and say hi but it wasn't because he wanted to. Usually he would wave me off or say "tell them I am sleeping" as the phone rang. He appreciated the effort, he just didn't want to deal with anything at all, any more than he had to. He was more comfortable with just me. The last week or so, he did talk to people and have people visit but we all knew it was the end.

Could you send your Mom funny little postcards every day? And call a couple times a week, maybe she would be up for that. Or even have a standing appointment, Sunday at 3, so she would expect the call and rest up before. It is nothing personal, she is just dealing with things as best she can.

Margaret

[stand4hope]

Dear Val,

I can't say what is in your mom's mind, but I can give you two somewhat similar examples.

My husband doesn't like to talk on the phone - ever - not even before diagnosis. Since his diagnosis, he definitely doesn't want to talk to anyone on the phone, especially about how he's feeling or anything to do with cancer.

He does a lot better in person, but even then he's resistant to an "announced" visit, but does just fine once somebody is here or we are there. His sister was almost in tears because she wanted so badly to come and see him when he was down and out with treatment, but I knew he would hit the roof if I asked and say "No! No! No!" and her feelings would be so hurt.

I understood both sides, so since he wasn't eating well, I told her to make this really good cherry jello dish that I know he loves, and I scheduled a time when I knew he would be awake and just told her to drop by with the dish. I made her promise she wouldn't fuss over him (he HATES that) and keep the visit very short, and also that she wouldn't bring her boyfriend. She honored those requests and they really had a nice visit. He even said afterward that he was glad she stopped by.

The other example is that I had a friend who died of lung cancer many years ago. We were neighbors and we were quite close. They had moved pretty far away, and we only talked occasionally by phone after that. When she got real bad, we went to see her and she wouldn't see us. She told her daughter to tell us that she was sorry but she wanted us to remember her the way she was. I was very hurt - I mean I was really hurt. I didn't care how she looked because I just wanted to give her a hug and tell her good-bye.

Later, I had my own illness where I was very sick and hospitalized for two months and didn't want anybody to see me and I didn't want to talk to anyone, and then I understood my friend. I even put a sign on my door that said "No Visitors". I know that sounds awful, but I just didn't feel like talking and didn't want people staring at me when I looked so bad.

I think your mom probably does have some other issues. Maybe it's just too hard on her to hear your voice because she knows she will get emotional. Maybe she feels like she's abandoned you since you are about to have the baby. And, of course, maybe she's just too sick and too weak and doesn't feel like talking. In any case, don't worry about telling her that you love her. Being a mom myself, I know that she KNOWS that. She knows that you call every day and that you care and that you love her.

I think sending cards, letters, flowers or anything would be wonderful, and I love Ry's idea about the speaker phone.

I know this is long, but I can tell you are really hurting with this. You will soon find out that a mother will do just about anything to hide her own problems from their kids, including lying. My mom did it constantly and I have done it to our son. That's just the way a mom is. I know that many of the moms on here will back me up on this. Your mom will do just about anything to spare you any hurt. What she needs to try to understand is that you are hurting BECAUSE she's trying to protect you from hurt - and maybe you just need to tell her that. It's a really tough situation.

Hope at least a small portion of this helped a little.

Love,

Peggy

[Don Wood]

Val, sorry you are having this problem. You are doing just fine. Your mom is tired, scared and trying to gain back some semblance of life. Cancer does that to people. If you are calling every day, it reminds her of her condition that she would probably like to forget some days. If you are giving a lot more attention then you normally would, it reminds her she is not well. It is hard to say in any one case what is enough contact and what is too much.

I screened all of my wife's phone calls during her first chemo and radiation treatments, and sometimes I would just let the phone answer and we would return calls later. I did ask the boys to contact her more often since they had a tendency to be infrequent, but I didn't have to tell my daughter -- she keeps in touch quite often.

It just may be the time of day when you call, or what mood she is in (which can change by the minute). Just hang in there and not take it personally. She is struggling with an ugly beast. Best to you. Don

[Fay A.]

Val,

Sometimes when I talk on the phone I get very short of breath. It's uncomfortable. It can make me break out in a cold sweat and make my heart race and my legs cramp. And when you're sick most of the time it can be a real chore to have to answer the question "How are you doing today?", or "How are things going?". It was easier for me to NOT have people ask after me, because then I felt like I had to be responsible for how THEY were feeling. And I couldn't always handle the stress of being the cause of their good or bad day. The calls I enjoyed the most were the ones where the caller told me all about their life. I didn't have to talk about me, and it helped to keep me connected to them. It helped to make me feel a part of something outside of cancer, cancer treatments, side effects, etc. I needed that. Still do.

I personally love Ry's idea of sending notes and cards, though the idea of fresh flowers are not always the best choice for someone who has respiratory problems. (a friend sent me a huge boquet of flowers, and the Lillies, which I usually love, had such a strong scent I couldn't stand to be in the same room as the arrangement!)

Hope this helps. Your going to make such a great Mom, Val.

[karenl]

Hi Val

I agree with what everyone has said. I know with my Mum, that occasionally she lets Dad field the phone calls (which is a chore for him, as he is not a 'talker'). Most of the time, however, she will chat with me, and I'm sure it is to reassure me that she is OK. If your Mom is not actually feeling OK, she may prefer that you don't hear it in her voice as she will not want to worry you, especially with delivery time so near!!

Another thing that Mum complains about is that we are all obsessed about her cancer. Its kind of like not talking about the elephant in the living room, but it is extremely important for her (and you, too) to focus on other more positive things that are going on - like a new baby! When you do talk to her, as Fay said, talk about your life and what you're doing and about the baby.

I know its hard, and I can sense your frustration, but hang in there.

Karen

[Treebywater]

So... well... do you think it's ok if I keep calling every day so long as I keep it like it has been with it being no pressure to talk? Because I feel like I NEED to call every day for one reason or another (and it's not become SO much more frequent with the cancer... I was calling every other day or so before diagnosis). It's just that... on Mom's GOOD days, I want to call because she's more up to talking, and on her BAD days I want to call because I can tell Dad needs a break and a person to vent to... even if he masks his venting by being mad at the crazy neighbors or my Gramma's crazy politics. Is that something I could maybe just tell her? Is that an ok way to approach it? Or should I just back off? I guess you probably can't answer that for me...

[Andrea]

Val--I was reading all posts and was about to write and say what you just asked.

I personally would continue to call every day. If your mom watns to talk, she can. If not, you say hi to your dad and your dad will tell her you called. I wouldn't break the routine unless your parents specifically say stop calling

I am obsessive compulsive, and there were times my mom just didn't want to talk or come to phone. I would get angry at my dad like he was hiding something I think I even once threw a temper tantrum that I just needed to hear her make a noise I have talked to my mom every day forever, even before diagnosis, so it is hard when they dont want to talk.

[karenl]

Hi Val

Sorry for not addressing your second question! And I just did, but hit 'log out' instead of submit, and lost it all!

Anyway, basically I agree with Andrea that you should keep calling unless specifically asked not to, even if you only talk to your dad sometimes. As you so rightly point out, he is going through hell too, and it probably helps him to talk to you. I know that when Mum was in hospital shortly after diagnosis (having a rib excised), my sister and I took turns going to the hospital and taking Dad out for lunch. It gave him a break for a couple of hours, and I think he really needed it, even though he probably hated having to leave Mum's side.

Cancer is a disease the whole family gets to share, and we all deal with it in our own unique way. If your Mom is anything like mine, she is trying to protect you, and doesn't want you to be consumed with what is going on with her, especially with your baby coming. You might try explaining to her that it actually HELPS you to be in close contact with her, and then she might be more willing to talk. If she truly is not up to it, I am sure she will let you know.

Good luck. I hope things get sorted out.

Karen

[J.C.]

Val,

You have something to talk about, the baby that is coming

soon, how you feel, what you do during your day......

and cards.

My husband always had me screen the calls, and some

people he did not want to speak to, but those with news

about themselves he was happy to take.

He loved the cards that came in each day, I even mailed

mine instead of giving them to him.

Keep calling otherwise she may worry about you.

Good luck.

J.C.

[kim]

Val, I like the speaker phone idea of Ry's. It would be really neat for your mom to hear as your baby is being born, "It's a healthy baby girl!" Anyways, just keep calling and just talk to your Dad, you can get the low down on everything and not bother your mom. Your Dad may be feeling left out a little maybe, and he could use a little TLC over the phone too, which I'm sure you are doing! Your mom may just not want to be reminded everyday of what she is going through. For her, it may not be a normal thing to hear from you every day. My mom tried really hard to keep everything as if she wasn't sick. She got real tired of me calling just about every day, and so I toned in down a little, and called every 3 or 4 days, but told my dad to call me if there was any change. Good luck with that baby and I hope she comes sooner than later! I was lucky both of mine were two weeks early! Praying for you and your family!

[Ann]

I also like the speaker phone idea. I know that my Dennis just didn't want to talk or visit a lot during treatment. Even when our boys were around, he was very quiet. At times, he even had very little to say to me but then there were other times that he loved to talk. I think there is just so very much going on in the patients mind that it's hard for them to focus at times. If I were you, I would continue the phone calls as often as you feel you need to call....for your peace of mind. Also, I know there are things you feel you need to say to your mom right now. My boys often talk about things they wish they had said to their dad. It is very important to say these things to make yourself at peace. There are more ways of communicating that talking. How about a weekly journal for your mom? Just keep a pad handy and when you think of something you want (or need) to say, jot it down. When you have several thoughts collected, drop them in the mail. Mothers cherish mail from their children and love to read letters and cards over and over. Maybe your mom is afraid she'll break down when talking to you. Moms feel they have to be brave and care for their children, regardless of how old they are. Maybe it's hard for her to talk to you for fear of breaking down. If she reads your words, she would have the privacy to really "feel" your words in private! I know this is a tough thing for you to deal with!!! I'm keeping you and your mom in my prayers!

[finster]

Val,

It's so hard to know what to say. I really feel for you. I think it is fine to keep calling daily as long as your parents don't ask for you not to. I call my mom every day, but I talked to her every day before she got sick. I think your mom will say she doesn't feel like talking if that's the case, and your dad could maybe use the moral support. My dad and I are not very close, and I'm sure he feels like a fish out of water. My mom did EVERYTHING around the house and all the shopping. Anyway, good luck and know that I think of you often and include you and your family in my prayers.

[Fay A.]

Val,

About cards and letters: send them AND make the calls. When I'm stuck in bed I often get out the letters, cards, notes my kids have given to me. (I've saved every single one of them). It's a Mom thing.

[TAnn]

Val,

I can say that when you are feeling really rotten, you really don't have the energy to be "up" all the time. Don't take this wrong, but I know that I'd be really annoyed when I'd get a phone call from someone and I felt like they were just searching my voice and tone for a positive vibe. I felt like I had to say, I'm doing fine just so they could feel better. It's depressing to feel weak, fatigued, sick day after day and hard to make someone else "feel better" by trying to act you are feeling fine.

What I'm trying to say is that maybe your mom is trying to protect you from her mood. Maybe she doesn't want to be reminded every day that she is sick. Maybe somedays she doesn't want to talk to anyone at all. This will all change once that new baby comes. Then the focus will be off her and on you and the baby.

I say keep calling, maybe not everyday, and send the cards. I love to get well wishes in the mail. Don't think I've ever opened one that didn't make me smile.

Best of luck to you with the baby. I'll be thinking of you in the next 8 days!!!!

TAnn

[lindseysmom]

Val,

I would keep calling unless asked not to. At least by the calls your Mom and Dad both know that you are thinking about them and love them. Your parents are blessed to have such a loving and caring daughter. And Congratulations on that baby girl, be sure to post a picture upon her arrival.

Best Wishes,

Dee

[sharyn]

Val,

KEEP CALLING.... Although Mom is not getting on the phone... she knows you are calling and I am sure that means the world to her... and you need to do that for yourself. I too think Ry's idea of speaker phone is fantastic if that is something you all have access to. Val, it is so hard because sometimes people try to distance themselves from those they love because they think it will make it easier on you, when of course it does not, but I guess that is something they don't "get". If Mom does not want to talk to you... simply tell tell to put the phone by her ear and say "Mom, I just need you to know, I love you..." and thats it.... you will feel better knowing she hears that every day. Love, Sharon

[Maryanne]

Hi Val,

I really do not know how to answer as I don't know what she is thinking. Hopefully with your insistance, she will come around and finally talk to you on the phone.

Follow you heart, do what it tells you to do.

I hope your mom feels better soon. Maybe she just feels guilty that she is not there for you, being pregnant with her grandchild and she is feeling so bad.

Hopefully, once the baby is here she will have a change of heart. Babies have a way of doing that.

Maryanne

[rogfam]

I couldn't post on your thread the first time I read it, way too emotional for me. My heart breaks for you, and your mom. Know that I'm praying for you both, that God will give you comfort and peace through all this, so that your baby feels peace too. I know how you feel; I can't imagine NOT talking to my mom everyday. We talk several times a day, I can't get enough of her, ya know? So, my heart just hurts for you... But, God is good, no matter what, He WILL see you both through this. Just keep doing what you're doing, and be at peace.

love you,

Christy

[Haylee_38]

Val, My mom also did not want to take many calls. I was her care giver

and many many times she would have me tell those calling that she was

sleeping. Like Fay said of the shortness of breath my mom to would

become very short of breath and uncomfortable talking on the phone.

I really like the idea Ry had of a speaker phone and sending her cards

was also a great idea. My heart goes out to you I know how hard this is

for you. My thoughts are with you, Haylee

[rosegarden]

Val, I don't know what to say to you other than I understand, and I hope that things get better.

My mom didn't want to see anybody, either. I respected that she needed time to herself. When she was hospitalised it was the end so I was with her daily, but before that she didn't want any company at all. She was in too much pain. It was hard.