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Hi Lori,

You havn't posted an update on how you mom is doing. Is her still on the steroids? Has her attitude improved? What is going on with your stepfather and brother.

I noticed you have posted to other peoples postings but havn't given us an update lately.

I have just been thinking of you and I hope things have improved in your moms homefront.


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Thanks for asking. Things are about the same as far as my mom stepdad and brother. When I tell her I do not think they would make her fall or hurt her, she says I am ganging on up on her with them. I shrug it off, but they take everything to heart. I blame the steroids. It is just so irrational.

I spent today getting up their tree, wrapping the presents, and mom came downstairs to make cookies. She struggled big time to get down, but she did it. Her breathing is different now, very very labored when she has to move to do anything.

As far as the brain necrosis, her lungs are not healthy enough to stand HBO, so now they are planning on brain surgery. Dr. says it is very risky, will take 4-6 hours and then off to ICU. I am surprised and scared about it all.

Mom is more angry than ever and I remind myself often that I can only choose my attitude toward her and life. I cannot make her accept things to be the way I seem them. I have to speak those words my brother and and stepdad daily.

Anyway, cancer sucks.

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Lori says:

"Anyway, Cancer sucks"

Boy, you got that right, Miss Lori!


I cannot believe you have so much wisdom for such a young woman. It's just not right! Where did you get all of it? I wasted so much time not knowing what end was up when I was your age...sheesh!

I am proud of you for all you are doing and your high level of thinking and making all of these difficult choices. You are doing a remarkable job. Keep it up little missie!

love, Cindi o'h

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I second Cindi's comments! When I read this post, I kept saying to myself, "Her growth is amazing! This girl's gonna be okay!" :D

I admire you, Lori. Some people never get it no matter how "mature" they are or how many opportunities they are offered. But YOU did! You gave me a big smile.


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Thanks for the kind words, I do feel like I am doing the right thing by her, but it is so frustrating to try to talk to her and hear things like:

"I will die knowing my son is a piece of shi_-that will never change!" (intentionally loud enough for him to hear)

staring right at Tom, my stepdad "yeah, he f'in let me fall down the stairs, look at him"

last night, "I feel trapped here. I just want to go away and be by myself. I can pay someone to take care of me. I feel trapped here". I asked her about this today and she said it was not the steroids making her say it and she really did. When I ask her to come saty at my house for a few days, she says no.

"God will forgive me, I know he will."

I want peace for her. She feels terrible, tons of pain, everywhere, breathing very difficult, very hot, still very hungry, and conspired against. What a life.

Did I mention cancer sucks?

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Is there any chance you can discuss with her how to give her back some control? It really sounds like some of her rage may be rooted in the loss of control over so many aspects of her daily living. How can she be given choices daily? What things can she still do - can she cook, balance checkbook, pay bills, etc.?

I'm sure she does feel trapped and cooped up. Would she like to go for a drive, maybe see some Christmas lights? Yes, I know it will be a huge project to get her up & about, but maybe a change of routine and venue might help.

Has she discussed funeral planning? Some people have a hard time talking about it, but many find relief and comfort in knowing everything has been taken care of and that THEY got to choose the burial site (or internment of cremains), service music & readings and everything else that goes with it. Of course, you run the risk of having her accuse you of rushing her off to the graveyard!

I hope you take comfort in knowing that you are handling this very well. Warm fuzzies to you!


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Lori, as others have said, you are wise beyond your years. You are a wonderful daughter and friend to your mom. The things you do, in an attempt to make her life happier, are wonderful. It is just so sad that you have to deal with all the additional issues right now. I just want you to know that you and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers. You are to be commended for being such a wonderful and caring daughter!

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Just wanted you to know I am thinking and praying for your mom, you and your family each day.

Your right, not a lot of info on the net about the necrosis surgery. I am still looking for both of us...

You are a very wise and astounding young lady...

I'll PM you later.

Love ya,

Prayers and hugs,


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Hello dear Lori,

As most of you know I have been through the ringer with the anger issue with my husband. I can tell you what seemed to work for me in addition to lots of prayer and work by God.

I made a decision to be at peace. I couldn't control my husbands anger but I could control my reaction to it. When my husband would call me ugly names and tell me how useless I was...I started responding, "I'm sorry you feel that way." It became my mantra. At first he got worse...but then it was as if once he saw that I refused to react to his anger it began to die off. By the way we had a wonderful breakthrough and he is much better emotionally now.

I don't know if this will work with you, your step dad and brother but it can't hurt. Maybe she needs some calm in the midst of her hurricane.



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Both my brothers went through some strange kind of anger that I had never seen in them before too. I am not saying that I never saw anger in them, but this was somehow different.

I felt I couldn't talk back or reason with them in any way. I had absolutely no idea how they were truly feeling. Dick took it out on his wife and she yelled right back at him. Johnny took it out on his s.o. and she was a stranger to this behavior from him, the former gentle giant. And I was scared spitless.

They would get mad and pick at the smallest things. I imagine it was from a loss of control. I would just stand there and watch open-mouthed waiting for a fly to come in. Didn't know what to do.

Hope your Mom has some meaningful times left and can sort through whatever is making her so frustrated and come to terms with it. I am sorry these words are flying around.

Any chance of getting a professional in to help out in some way? A nurse with hospice for a consult? Did someone suggest that already? It almost seems as if you have tried everything that you can think of. An outside non-threatening source might be a help, if she would accept it.

Another thing.. Have you told her how all of this makes you feel? "Mom, when you yell at my brother like that, I feel this way..."

"When you say that SD let you fall down the stairs, that scares me because ......."

"I know it is not your fault that you have cancer, but my life has also been impacted in these ways......

I need help dealing with these feelings too."


I don't know, Lori, I am just throwing things out there, hoping that something will work for you and your family.

loving you, girl!

Cindi o'h

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You guys are the best, there are some very good ideas here. I think I will have another talk with stepdad to try to come up with some things she can do/control. I think that is an excellent idea.

I have told her how it makes me feel to hear all of this chaos and hatred, but she says "I hope you guys never get this sick or need to take all of this medicine." It shuts me right up bc she has it far worse than us.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I will keep updating and coming here for your advice, it really does help so thanks for the effort!

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