Confused about husbands death.

[tks776]

Please bare w\th me it's my first time posting here.My husband was diagnoised w\th lung cancer in January stage IIIB also in the eusophagus.He had gamma June 1, on june 20,2006 my husband bled to death right in front of me I kept clearing his airway

but that didnt help. I felt so helpless.What I dont understand is why the dr. didnt tell us what to exspect. I dont know where all the blood was coming from. His death certificate states cause of death as lung cancer.I cant get this out of my mind I am in tears constantly I cant control it. The first 3 days after I lost him I was in shock.Since then ive been out of it I miss him so much my heart hurts so bad.I come here all the time to read the post b\cause its so comforting.I feel so lost. Im trying 2 hold it together but,It gets harder by the day.I wish I could go be w\th him. Im just glad his suffering is over. How long is this going 2 last.Will I ever get thru this? Im so disgusted that he did all the rad. and gamma and none of it did any good, when he was x-rayed b\5 gamma they found 6 brain tumors. Thanx for listening and god bless!

tami

[lilyjohn]

Boy I almost didn't come here to read tonight. Something brought me here and the first post I see is yours. I can really relate to what you have said.

Johnny and I were not married yet. We were sweethearts when we were young and lived seperate lives for 43 years before getting back together. Two days later he entered the hospital with pneumonia and while there was diagnosed with lung cancer.

Johnny did great. Gained weight and had no problems with chemo. He said he was going to beat the cancer and had just about everyone believing he was, Then a nurse told him to not get his hopes up because he would be on chemo for the rest of his life.

That was the beginning of the end for us. Anxiety led to a trip to the hospital witch let to them overdosing him with Morphine, Ativan and Vicodin. Like you I watched him die and had no idea what was happening at the time. It was only when I looked back and added it all up and started doing research that I knew for sure that my suspecions were right. The kicker is it matters little. Once a person is diagnosed with lung cancer you can have all of the proof you need. The medical boards with excuse their actions or lack of actions simply because they had lung cancer. It is a battle that you can not win. They like to give statistics about lung cancer but I will tell you that you have a better chance of beating the cancer than you do of having anyone in the medical field held accountable if cancer is diagnosed.

I was so much like you are. I was angry and knew that what happened was wrong. Losing him so soon was bad enough but knowing how and why he died kept me in a state of depression boardering on panic all of the time. It will be 4 years in December. It took me a very long time to pick myself up off the ground and I had to give myself a good shake to start living again. Life is not the same. I lost my dreams and my hopes. I no longer have someone to share all of the little private things that we shared. There is no one to love me unconditionally the way he did and no one to make me laugh or make my heart ache with love the way he did. Still I am living and I am taking the most I can from every day.

I didn't get here over night. It was a long slow process. I had one good friend and many more I found here on this board. They helped me and my faith helped me. I live because life was so important to my Johnny. He was willing to do or suffer anything to be able to live. That option was robbed from him. There are so many things I can do to honor him but the greatest thing I can do for him is to live every minute of my life to it's fullest.

Take it one step at a time. One day or one minute at a time. Cry when you need to and don't be afraid to laugh. You will not be dishonoring your husband if you live your life. You will dishonor him if you don't

It won't be easy but you will make it. Come here when you need to talk. If all you have are rambling thoughts you can put them here. If you need to PM me. I work but I can set up a time when we can talk too if you need to. There is nothing so painfull as losing someone you love but losing them in a way that shouldn't have happened seems to make it all that much worse.

By the way I have let most of the anger go but there are still days when it is still here just as there are days when the depression is still with me. There are just a lot more days now when those things are not with me. The one thing that I just can't seem to shake it the feeling that I am waiting for something. Good luck and know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Lillian

[carolhg]

Tami,

I am so very sorry that you lost your husband to this awful disease. I will include you in my prayers.

[SBeth]

Tami,

I am very very sorry for your loss. Your pain is still extremely fresh and (I can't believe I'm actually writing/saying this as I steadfastly detested hearing it...though it IS true) in time you will begin to heal. I wholly understand that it will be very hard for you to get beyond the pain and horror of those last moments with your husband; while my husband had a relatively peaceful death, the day prior was similar to your experience. Since Bill had signed on with Hospice, I was fortunate to have had our Hospice nurse prepare me for what may/did happen and it wasn't as shocking. I hope that you will give yourself some time to rest and heal. It has been eight months now since my husband passed away and I still have not made it thru a single day without tears, but I am beginning to remember more of the good and the love than the sick and the cancer. I hope you will keep coming here and let all of us help you thru this process.

Much love,

[Kasey]

Oh Tami,

Many are here to support you at this time. I have no firsthand experieince to share which you might find helpful, but I am certain those who do will be right along. Just a suggestion about perhaps seeing a grief counselor???? What you have been through is most likely more than most....so some help with dealing may prove beneficial. In the meantime, many prayers for you, dear girl, to cope and to see you through.

Kasey

[tnmynatt]

I am sooooo sorry. My husband died in a similar manner. But, we were prepared...as prepared as anyone can be. The doctor should have told you there was a high probability of that happening. I can't imagine the shock, trauma and sadness you went through. I don't know how I could have gone through it without knowing what was happening. I pray for you to have peace and comfort at this very difficult time. Please PM me if you want to discuss further. This is a horrible disease and unfortunately, sometimes our loved ones death is not peaceful. You will get through this...we can help. Take care.

[tnmynatt]

Just saw Kasey's post. She is right. You need counseling if you are not already getting it. I couldn't have made it without others to support me...my counselor being one of my supporters. Take care.

[Ann]

Tami, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how very hard this was for you, especially since you had not been informed what to expect. Please know that there are so many people on this board that have lost our spouses to this terrible disease. We are always here to listen and try to help. Counseling would be a great thing to help you through this time. Does your local hospital have a grief support group? I'm saying prayers for you!

[Connie B]

I too am very sorry you lost your wonderful husband.

I have to say in most cases, doctor's don't say what to expect and what not to expect. I think the reason they don't is because they really don't know themselves and everyone is different, so they don't want to alarm you. It's a very hard call for the medical professions to make as to what to expect.

I know with my mom, they told us she had 3 to 6 weeks to live. When we heard that, that's ALL we heard. My mom lived 4 months. But I remember when the 6th week came, all I could think was any day now, any day now. It was horrible.

I too encourage you to seek grief counseling. There also is a Sticky on this Fourm regarding a Grief Support Group via the Internet if you think that might help. I have attending Grief Counseling and I can't tell you how much they helped me through some very VERY DIFFICULT times.

My Sincere Sympathy,

Connie

[Suzie Q]

Tami,

I am so sad for your loss. Please accept my condolences.

I nearly watched my dad bleed out as well. He was stabilized, but it was an incredibly helpless feeling, waiting for the EMTs to arrive while he vomited blood.

The doctor should have let you know of the risks, that much is certain. I imagine the tumor penetrated a blood vessel or the radiation weakened a blood vessel and that resulted in uncontrollable bleeding. There was nothing you could do to prevent this from happening, even if you knew this was a possible risk. It might have happened with no treatment. So feel no guilt about this.

Lillian is right. You feel angry, and need to direct it at someone. But in the end, it does not change your loss.

Do reach out for counseling and support. It helps so much to talk to others who have lost spouses/significant others. They know EXACTLY how you feel. Many members here have lost like you have, too. I can relate in a general way of losing a loved one, but I did not lose my spouse, and that is a whole other bucket of fish.

Anyway, welcome to the site. Glad you found us.

~Karen

[Carleen]

Tami I am so sorry for the loss of your dear sweet husband.

I lost my husband only 9 days after your loss, and I understand about being haunted by those last few days. One week before my husband died, he was up and about and pushing me through a hospital in a wheelchair. 4 days before he passed he was walking and talking and walked himself to the ER for shoulder pain. After that, he never really was able to walk or talk much again. I think it was all the drugs they gave him. The last day was aweful to watch. It wasn't peaceful. For the last 3-4 hours he made a screaming noise like he was trying to scream but just couldn't get the volume up. It is just like a nightmare I used to have as a child where there were monsters and I would try to scream as loud as I could but no noise would come out, just an airy hollow sounding scream. but this was a real nightmare. I think about it all the time, did I kill him? Did he die too soon with the pain meds I kept forcing on him because I thought he was uncomfortable? He was doing just fine 4 days earlier... I just don't understand.

Doctors didn't tell me anything either, because they never know what is going to happen. They can say after the fact of something happening, that it is normal, but before hand there are just too many different things that can happen that they can't possibly tell you them all. I signed Keith up for hospice, but he passed away about 2 hours before they arrived. So, there was no help, I didn't know what I was doing, and I was so afraid. It was terrible. I live with that vision in my head every waking moment, and I think I always will. I try not to think too much guilt because I know I tried the best I could knowing as much as I could. I loved him so fully that I would have died rather than hurt him, and he loved me so much he fought so hard to live each minute. There should be no guilt. We did the best we knew how. I try to remind myself that, to be kind to myself. You should also. You did the treatments because at the time they were his best chance. No one knows what tomorrow will have for us.

It has been less than 2 months. It is still so soon and still so painful. I know people keep telling me it will get easier, but right now it isn't. It does get harder each day. I've been seeing a counselor, who tells me it will get harder before it gets better. She is treating this like a post traumatic stress disorder (like Vietnam vets experience) because in a way, we've seen a horror like no other and we've got to live through it.

I imagine this first year will be hell. I imagine the second year will be painful, I hope the third year will only be difficult, and the years to follow I will learn to live with the emptiness and ache that is mine now forever. I don't mean to sound negative, but I honestly don't think a heart can ever heal fully after losing the person who so filled it before. But, you will get through this. Not easily, at least not for a long long time, and not because you want to either. But because we have no other choice. I too wish I could just go be with my Keith. I pray every night that God not let me wake. When I hear the news about the fighting in the middle east, instead of feeling sorrow or pity, I feel joy because my heart hopes upon hope that it is a sign of the end of days and it signals my soon reunion with Keith. All I want is to give this life up and be back in the arms and life I knew and loved. But, that time is not yet, it is not today, so we do what we must to get through today so that if it is tomorrow that I join him, I can join him and see that he is proud of me for trying my hardest, proud of me for going on for him and as he would want me to be.

Sorry this got so long. I just wanted to tell you that I am so very sorry for your loss. I do understand what you are feeling and I agree with you. (((Tami)))

[SBeth]

Carlene,

Your Keith has to be very proud of you. With tears in my eyes, I want you to know how much your words have comforted me and inspired me. It should not be a comfort to know that others understand your pain and loss, yet it is. Your determination to go on, in spite of your loss, gives me strength. Thank you!

[heyjudefl1]

After reading the messages above, I can see that we are all going through the same thing. The guilt-did we do all that we could do? Did we monitor the medications to make sure that our husbands were not being killed by too many drugs? I keep playing the night my husband died over and over in my head. What could I have done differently? He died July 3 and while I thought the last year was hell (he was dx in July 05) this is really hell. How I wish it had been me. Tami, Carleen I know how you feel. Part of you is missing and the horror of watching someone you love die in front of you is more than anyone should have to bear. You are never prepared for the reality of it. I tried to help him but it just wasn't enough. Nothing was enough. Each day now I suffer over and over and I just wish it would end. I don't really care anymore how it ends I just want it to end. I always had hope that if I just tried to help him that I could save him. Yeah, right. There is really no help and we are just left to pick up the pieces. I wish I could make things better but I can't even help myself. Everyone says "it takes time". I don't think there is that much time that would help me.

[paddy]

Dear Tami,

I am so very ,very sorry about the passing of your husband. I know what you are going through and my heart goes out to you.

Throughout this so called "grieving process" you will go "one step forward and two steps back" for a long while. Eventually however,you will get stronger. My advice is to keep constantly busy. Plan your weekends ahead so that you are not alone all the time. I hate weekends now, especially Friday nights when we used to go out together, or, stay in and watch a video.Oh how I miss him then and on Sunday mornings too. It is deadly for me not to plan something for that time or I will get into a terrible state thinking of him and being so lonely, or should I say "alone".

God Bless you and I will keep you in my prayers.

Paddy

[tnmynatt]

Tami,

I wish I had some good words of encouragement. But, it is hard. I have also found staying busy around critical times is important like Paddy said. We started a Friday night spouse's/partner's chat that helps me fill up my Friday night time. It is every other Friday night right now. The next one will be on Friday, Aug. 25th at 8:00 p.m. Eastern Time. Please join us if you can.

Please feel free to PM me if I can help. I have some other things I could say along the post-traumatic stress lines, but just can't bring myself to do it here. Take care.

[wyogirl]

None of us can be absolutely positive what really goes on inside our bodies during illness, but we did see some similar symptoms when my dad was passing. From what we read, it was "normal disease process," and the hospice nurse confirmed this. Whatever the cause of your husband's death truly was, it was a traumatic, awful, horrible thing for you to have to go through. Try not to look back on those awful memories, they only tarnish the happy ones that are painful now, but will someday start to become precious. Remember him the way he was before he got sick. Best wishes and deepest sympathies to you. I am so sorry you have to post here with the rest of us!

Laura

[MEA]

Tami,

Wanted to let you know I am sorry about the loss of your husband and will keep you in my prayers.

Mary

P.S. My husband has SCLC and while he is in remission, the big "C" is always lurking there. We are living each day, but I hate not know what to expect if it returns. At night, hearing his noises comfort me, but at the same time any change in those noises terrify me.

[Maryanne]

Hi Tami,

What can I possibly say to ease your pain? What you experience was beyond comprehension to me.

what you. What you experienced was horrible and I could only imagine how scared you were and how helpless you felt.

I could not say anything that could help you at this time. You have much grieving to go through. I just hope you let family and friends help you as you need all the support you can get at this time. Please get medication or like our Carleen talk to a counselor.

As other people have said to you, one day at a time that is all you can ask for right now.

I wish there was something I could do to alleviate your pain. All I can do is send you meditation prayers for healing.

I am so sorry....My heart breaks for you. We are always here for you.

Maryanne

[Larry]

Tami i am not or more than likely to be the one to tell you how to deal with this but i do have some ideas. Let me start off by saying as i look back as to all that has happened since my Wife died it is more like a dream with such a myriad of emotion's that to describe them all would be nearly impossible.

One of the first thing's you may notice is while your still bearing your grief that most of your friend's and even relative's will have moved on. Not that they did not care it's just not as personal for them as for you. I even noticed some people i know appeared to be uncomfortable around me but are now more relaxed. Now as for any ideas i might suggest and that is if your a religious person hand your sadness over to GOD and trust in his Fatherly healing. The next thing i would suggest is exercise and go out in public and live again. Those who have experienced the death of a loved one have all had there feeling's of will i ever get through this and just want the hurt to go away. Tami you have every right to grieve but also every right to live,smile and smell the roses again......Larry

[ztweb]

Oh Tami,

I pray that God grants you peace in this really difficult time. I pray so much that you are granted fond memories, strength, and hope for the future.

God bless you,

Jen

[cmrsm]

my father bled out on my mother. In his instance it was a eroded abscess, but a family friend did tell us who is a nurse told us that with lung and esophigal cancer it is common that the person bleed out.

I am so sorry for your pain. It hurts worse after the initial shock wears off, but it eventually becomes somewhat manageable.

You have come to the right place, there are many people who have and are experiencing the pain and loss that you are that will help you cope with yours.

This web site and more importantly the people have helped me over the years dealing with my father's disease and most recently with his death.

God bless you.