Flowergirlie Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 We are waiting for results that will come in about 2 hours for the PET and CT. I am having so much trouble dealing with the emotions of not only my husband but myself now too. My husband is so angry and goes into rages frequently and says the most hurtful things imaginable. I do not know how to respond or cope anymore. I work full time, take care of 3 kids and care for my husband who has sclc, extensive or limited defined today. And he doesn't think I care or do enough and is always complaining about how stupid and out to lunch I am. Is anyone else dealing with these rages and hurtful words from there loved ones? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma's kid Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 It's so so difficult waiting for results and sometimes the anticipation seems more difficult than the actual results. I am praying so hard that your husband's results show that his cancer is limited and that his docs will have a plan of action. I know it sounds so simplistic but try to not jump ahead in this journey..just take things day by day or even...minute by minute and KNOW in your heart of hearts that you can come *here* anytime for support or whatever you may need. Walking this walk is super difficult but you are NOT ALONE.. It may be a good idea to discuss your husband's emotional outbursts with his doc. His emotions sounds as if they are all over the place and the anger is the front runner at this point..sometimes, we lash out at those closest to us and maybe the doc can prescribe something to ease his anger. Hugs and prayers and take care of you, too! Libby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kreed70 Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Hi Flowergirlie~ Welcome. I am so sorry that you and your family are going thru this. I would talk to his doc and see if an anti-depressant would help him w/ the mood swings. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Your husband is panicked and rightfully so. Once he has a definite dx and a better understanding of the treatments, things should calm down. Since you are closest to him, unfortunately you will bear the brunt of this anger and fear. Some type of meds, either an antidepressant or an antianxiety may help him right now. Hold tight, love him and be there for him. It is very tough for both of you and your children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Others have gone through what you are going through with the meanness and rage. I hope it will change but if it doesn't you need to do something to channel it away from you. I know how hard this is in the beginning, I also work full-time and have 3 kids to care for. Would it help for him to talk to someone or go to a support group? Would it help you to go and talk to someone? You need to tell him that you understand his anger but you're not going to be the punching bag. I wish I had answers for you...I hope you get good news soon. Let us know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen, Daddy's girl Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 The cancer is what you are all mad at. Please tell the chldren that their Dad is angry with the cancer. Some kids even name the cancer so they have "a thing" to hate. I would try to this within their Dad's earshot so he will direct his anger away from where it will do harm. How old are the children? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 This must be very tough, I don't have a similar experience, but I have just prayed that there is peace and positivity around this awful situation. And that healing happens, both physically and emotionally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowergirlie Posted November 2, 2006 Author Share Posted November 2, 2006 The news was not good. We do take every day and minute one at a time but they all seem to have more bad news. The doctor said it is extensive and that there is no other treatment possible besides chemo. He said he will not ever be able to endure radiation and surgery is not an option. He thinks he has maybe a year. My husband does not know the entire prognosis yet (the expected survival time), as I spoke with the doc by myself for a few minutes, but he knows that it is bad and said he has nothing to live for anyway so why should he go on? The doctor already gave him anti anxiety and anti depressants but my husband refuses to take them because he "doesn't need them". It is so hard and he feels so helpless and is in such constant extreme pain. It is horrible to watch and not be able to do anything except love him and take care of him when he lets me. The kids are 14, 13 and 11. They sort of understand but sometimes it is so bad around the house that it is hard not to believe some of the awful things he says. Thank you all! I know everyone is going through terrible cancer experiences and I am not the only one. Right now is just too much to deal with and I wouldn't be doing as well as I am even if I didn't have the support of everyone here understanding how hard it is to be a caregiver. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamataca Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 I'm so sorry that you are in such a horrible spot right now. It sounds like you are doing everything you can. Remember to take care of yourself in this process. If nothing else, come here and vent away when you need to. You are among friends here. Keep us posted! Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen, Daddy's girl Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 My children are 14 and 12. I was asked if they understand what is happening. I don't understand it myself, but the children are not oblivious and the more I explain to them the better I sort things out for myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teresa567 Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 I'm sorry the results were not good. The emotions are crazy and very hard to deal with. I think the hardest is hearing your loved one want to give up or say they have nothing to live for. My dad will often cry and tell my mom he feels like such a burdon to his family and it kills us all. Other times, he's the most positive cancer patient in the world. Roller coasters..... You're not alone. Nor are your children. Some cancer centers offer support groups for kids whose parents have cancer. They really help them process their dad's emotions and their own emotions...which is important. If your husband doesn't want to go to support groups or take meds, maybe he'd feel okay meeting privately with someone 1 on 1? Or, meeting with someone at a local chuch (even if you guys are not religious..sometimes at times like this, reaching out for something spiritual helps people cope). Don't focus on the statistics either...we were told my dad would not make it more than a year....it will be 4 years in Feb 07...and his quality of life has been pretty darn good up until currently!! Forget the stats....the mind is such a powerful source of healing...God Bless You Guys. Try to stay strong...you WILL get through this. Teresa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 staistics mean nothing every one hear has probably heard them and most have outlived them. Prayers and Comfort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharonjo Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 Flowergirlie, Get another opinion, and do not listen to the statistics! The doctors cannot predict life expectancy with any certainty! Only God knows when someone's time is up. As Randy has said there are many here who have outlived their doctor's prophecies. Your husband is young and that is in his favor, but he needs to believe he can beat this disease. Encourage him to seek a second opinion and fight! Good luck to you! God Bless, Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 I don't believe in stasticts as so many here have beaten the odds, but to do that they must give him chemo or radiation, or maybe a clinical trial. He also really has to have a positive attitude to help fight this as that will give him more time. I am sorry for all the anxiety you and your family are going through. It should not be like that. I just hopes he comes to an understanding how important life and family are and to live life to its fullest. It would make life so much better for everyone. Seek out a 2nd opinion or a third if need be. There is always something they could try. Is your husband in pain, if so is he on medication to help him with that. No one should suffer. I hope he changes his mind and takes the anti-depressants as that would be a good help to him. I am sorry he is going through this. He sounds really scared. Hopefully, as time goes on he will learn to accept it and change his attitude. I feel bad for you as you being the closest to him is really feeling the brunt of all of this. No one likes to be dumped on, well or sick. It hurts, it hurts bad especially since you have a family at home and you love him and are so scared for him. Maybe you should get some meds to help you get through this also. I wish I had something more positive to say. But I just hope he learns to cope with this better. My heart goes out to you. We are always here for you 24/7 if you just need to vent, it is always fine with us. You will feel better getting it out instead of keep it all bottle up. Keep us posted, please, we worry about you too. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mendy Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 Flowergirlie, I am so sorry for what you and your family are dealing with. It is hard enough knowing you are dealing with a terminal illness and want to make the most of your time together. But dealing with the anger and feeling that fighting isn't worth it is worse. My husband prognosis is better than your husband's, yet during the first 8 days of each chemo treatment I get the anger and bitterness directed at me. He feels that I get to escape and live my normal life when I go to work. I too have two young kids who don't really know what is going on except that sometimes dad doesn't feel well and is fighting a bad bug. It is hard. I finally talked my husband into getting his oncologist to give him a happy pill. Amazingly, he taken it on occasion and it sure does help. Having visits from family members gives him something to look forward to. On the really bad days (which are becoming fewer), I just send my husband up to our room to rest and watch tv. I make sure to remind him all the time that he needs to stay strong and how important treatment is to be there for his kids. When he was questioning whether chemo was worth it, I asked him if he wanted another man raising his kids. That motivated him. I hope you are able to stay strong and not get too upset when your husband makes hurtful comments. Remember what he was like before the cancer diagnosis to get through it. I wish you and your husband lots of strength. Mendy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TamHol Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 Flowergirlie, I'm sorry to read this illness is doing this to your husband and family. Often people in their own grief and anger (my husband is guilty of this) forget they are not the only ones loosing anything. Your husband is rightfully mad and doing some serious venting and in general is p*** off. Duelly noted and understood. When the time arises and you'll know when .... remind him he is not the only one hurting and angry. He is not the only person who stands to loose someone from life and it's joys due to this. Maybe that is the trigger needed for him to take a step back and make a serious effort to either choose his words, or appauligize for his outburst. This is not his fault or yours ... having no one or thing of a phyiscal nature to blame is the hardest part of any illness. Until your moment comes, or to just do some good all around for your whole family. See if you can't find a support group dealing with the children and family members, here it's called "caregivers support". Your kids will benifit from a youth group if it's available ... this site is great but kids need the one on one. Be honest and polite ... but straight to the point when your husband asks "Why are you going there and taking the kids there." Tell him the truth, 'we need this to help us get threw this with you. We don't know what to do and how to help you.' Again maybe it will trigger some more effort on his part and realization that he isn't in this alone or the only one feeling this rage. Best of luck to you and your family, Tammy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlegirl Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 Flowergirlie ~ I am so sorry you and your family are going through such a rough time. Please know that your husband is angry at the disease and not at you. I agree that maybe you should look into getting an anti-depressant for yourself as well. You certainly have alot to deal with and you do need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your husband and kids. I'm praying things for you and your family take a turn for the better. Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda661 Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 Sclc usually responds very well to chemo. so don't rule out that other options may open up in the future after initial treatment is done -- 2nd and 3rd opinions don't hurt either: it's important to have a fighting medical team on your side. And as others have said, the stats mean nothing -- it's an individual journey which many outlive with good quality of life far beyond "the prognosis." I'm sorry to hear about the rage your husband is having -- it's hard not to be angry at something you don't want and in a situation where your destiny isn't 100% in your control. Doesn't mean it's OK for your family to be the unabated recipient of it either -- I'd definitely discuss it with the doctor as it can drain you of the very energy you're gonna' need to caregive and take care of yourself along the way. Any chance your husband would come to this board to become informed as well as you, vent, chat with other survivors who have been where he is, etc.? Could help, especially since this place is available 24/7 for support. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michelepal Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 Flowergirlie, I'm so sorry the news wasn't good, butI do agree that your husband should get a second opinion. Your Husband needs to relize that he has so much to live for and he needs to FIGHT if not for himself he should fight just so he could see his children grow up.. Praying for you and your Family!! (((HUGS))) Love, Michele Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbara Lea Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 My husband Jim (46) was the same way when diagnosed almost 1 year ago. Very negative about everything, didn't want treatment, but we talked him into a lobectomy, 4 treatments of chemo and he stopped smoking. He wouldn't take anything for his anxiety, but I must say he has gotten better over the months, especially after the chemo ended and he was feeling more like himself again. We have 2 kids, 16 and 19 at the time of diagnosis. They just learned to hibernate when he was in one of his "moods". I am normally a very quiet, tolerant person, but when I finally had enough I let loose on him. I too had to continue to work a full time job, plus take care of him and the kids. He had to know that cancer wasn't just his problem, but the whole familys. He seemed to chill after that day. Once he went back to work it seemed to take his mind off of his health also. He is now feeling better then he has in a year and training for a new job. Give your husband some time to soak it all in, it is a lot to swallow at first. Also remember to take care of yourself. I know firsthand that dr. visits, working, mothering, etc. can wear you down very quickly. I've tried to keep life as normal as possible and take one day at a time (a long soak in our new jet tub doesn't hurt either). Hang in there and just love him. Barbara Lea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 Statistics are certainly not the final say, although, realistically, it is useful to know what you are up against and plan and act accordingly. That said, second opinion is key! If there is any hope, latch onto it!! We are here, please keep us posted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calintay Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 My prayers beind said for all of you. Please know that it is not your husband talking it is this horrible disease. Many many prayers and hugs for you guys Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mskim Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Not much I can say that anyone else hasn't said... I am keeping you and your husband and you precious kids in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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