Babies R Us

[Nick C]

Holy cow did a wave of grief crash onto me today.

Keri has a baby shower to go to, so we went to the store. The little bathtub, the ad for a pregnant woman and the older mother figure registering, even the sight of friggin baby pins...

I had to leave.

2 weeks before Mom's diagnosis, we decided it was time to have a kid...would have been Mom's first Grandchild.

So now what? Wait? Start? Doesn't matter, either way I won't see Mom's face when I tell her. And all the waiting in the world isn't going to change that.

I'll never get what I thought was a given...Keri and I giving my mother the greatest gift we'd ever given her.

Today was the FIRST TIME I said these words:

THIS ISN'T FAIR.

This isn't the way this was supposed to happen. This disease has taken away from the child we haven't even concieved yet the love of his/her grandmother and quite frankly the full joy he/she should get from his/her father. Because I can't imagine ever being as happy about having a child as I would have been...

This is not fair to Keri, not fair to the "someday" child, not to the other grandparents, or to me.

Sorry...rough day.

[MomsGirl]

I just read your post and it made me so sad. I was lucky enough to have my mom for five years as an incredible grandmother to my kids, and the loss of her made me so sad and angry. She had such an impact on their young lives and was so intertwined in their existence..and in reality, they probably won't remember most of it. My siblings all have kids that in their teens and 20's, and I felt almost resentful that they had her for so much longer. And now I have a new baby boy that will never know her - she was so excited to meet him, and even as she was losing her battle a few months ago and was semi-conscious, she had her hand on my belly. In the midst of her dementia, she would yell out (with her eyes still closed) "Look, he's walking!" and "Michele, he is SO cute". The funny thing is we did not know if the baby was a boy or a girl at that point...but somehow SHE did.

I can't imagine how painful this is for you, not having the chance to experience this... I could say your mom is smiling from above and some things that are inspirational and such, but the bottom line is mostly it just hurts and it sucks. I sense the frustration and sadness in your post, I'm there too, and we can only hope it gets easier with time.

Having said all that, having your first child will certainly be bittersweet without your mom, but it will also bring you great joy. I thought I could imagine the love my husband and I would feel for our first baby, but when that little guy came along our lives turned upside down. From the minute he was born I felt like I would lay down on a train track for him, the love was so overwhelming. Your baby might actually help you heal and fill part of the void in your heart, you never know.

So hang in there...

[Patkid]

Do you know what, sweetheart?

I may be out of line, but I am speaking from my heart.

You will be amazed by how your child will call forth emotions, reactions, hope, love and security from your sadness. You will just KNOW that your mom KNOWS and is 'involved'. It WILL NOT be the same as having her there physically. I will not minimize your legitimate feeling of sadness and of being screwed out of something that is so wonderful.

But I swear to you, as someone who has lived long and seen much, that you rejoice in your child and it will bring you even closer to your mom as you understand fully, for the first time, just how much she loves you..........you can't know that till you feel the love you will have for your child.

Hug Keri, trust your instincts, trust the universe and trust our God.

Most of all do NOT project today's grief on tomorrow.........give yourself time...........

(Those last words are directed at me, too) You are a loving sensitive man. YOur child will be very blessed and just think of all the things you tell that child about how much your mom loves you all.

Hugs and care.

Pat

[Treebywater]

Nick. I will post more later... Not in a good place to do so right now as I'm a little too teary myself today... But I wanted you to know that I understand the hurt and I care and I'm sorry.

[RandyW]

Nick when you get in the mood, Make a memento box of sorts from your Mom for your little one. When the time is right and it will be some day. You will be able to tell your Child about how wonderful Grandma was and how she watches over them always. Pictures, Jewelry, Favorite clothes. That sort of thing. Follow your heart. Prayers and positive thoughts.

I think every one who has lost someone this year is getting sad right now. The thought of not having a certain loved one around at this time of year is very hard for all of us. YOu lost your mom, and I lost my wife this year. Different situation but same result. we lost someone very close that we loved so very much. I think I am in a Depression right now. It is so hard to be happy like everyone else when we have suffered so much. But we suck it up and power on as soon as we can. that is another rant though.

I wish you all the best in what ever you decide. I some times wish I had Children. My boss has 3 and my sister has 2. Love children.

Sorry so long just got me started a little. Best wishes and hope you have a better week next week. Prayers and Positive energy for you and the Mrs. Nick tonite and tomorrow.

[j's girl]

Nick, I so know what you are saying! I have one child that was Mom's only grandchild and the absolute best medicine for my Mom during her fight. Other than my husband and I, Mom really loved him most and it tears me apart that he won't have memories of her. However, I talk to him about her a lot, and I'm scrapbooking some neat things about her so hopefully when he's older he'll feel like he knows her. Now I often look at him and think that a quarter of my son is my Mom and she lives on through him.

One truely incredible part of being a parent is realizing how your parents feel/felt about you. It is an overwhelming feeling.

My Brother and his wife are expecting their first child in May. S/he was conceived just before Mom passed away. They just told us a couple of weeks ago. I cried when he told me partly tears of joy and partly tears of sadness. I have to believe that Mom knows their wonderful news but I'm sad that my Brother won't be able to experience Mom's joy, her pride and her excitement. I plan to make a scrapbook for their little one too.

It is definitely unfair. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, but I don't know if I'll ever comprehend the reason we've lost our Moms.

Sorry, it's been a tough day for me too.

Just know that having a child is an incredible experience that will bring you closer to your Mom. It really is the only way to truely know the love and pride she had for you.

Shauna

[Andrea]

I am so sorry for the pain that so many of you are going through with losing loved ones. I do think however that your mom would want you to have a child. Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today as they say. And speaking from experience, it is not always easy to have a child, we have been trying for over two years now with fertility treatment. Go for it, the child will bring you lots of joy!

[Don Wood]

Nick, yes, it isn't fair. But you can make your mother real to your children by sharing the memories.

My mother and father died before I married, so my kids never got to meet them in person and vice versa. That pained me for a long time, until I shared memories and some letters my parents had written me while I was in the service.

And to take care of the other side -- my parents -- I wrote them a letter, expressing my feelings and sharing my kids with them. I mailed the letter to a place and gave no return address, so I could feel like I sent it to them. They knew. And that worked for me. Blessings. Don

[sharyn]

Nick,

just know I am thinking of you today and saying a prayer.... I can't add more except to say that Pat absolutely said it the best....The joy you feel when you see your child will bring the love you and your Mom shared full circle, this I can promise. Love, Sharon

[Mskim]

(((Nick)))

My kids barely remember my mom and for my 9 year old, he finds it hard to remember her when she was well. I want to have more but I think, how can I without my mom (and dad for that matter)there to delight in everything?

But like Pat said I know this: When you have a baby your heart explodes with ... oh I don't even know how to put it into words... it's just such a wonderful incredible glorious thing and it will put such a positive spin in your life. It will be something for you both to look forward to and concentrate on.

I hope that someday we have another (I am 36 and we are giving it until I am 40) I think it will give us (me) something positive in our lives, I am praying the someday, the focus in my life will be the living, because right now all I can think about is what I don't and will not have.

I pray for the same for you. I think, after reading your posts, a wonderful gift that your mom left you is your sensitivity, and your honest feelings that will help you be a better father and an awesome support system for the mother of your baby. You will see your mother in your children. I know I see both my mom and my dad in my kids in the way that they look and even their personalities. Right now that is bittersweet, but I know in time I will appreciate it more.

Hugs and prayers for you and your wife.

[kim]

Nick,

It was really hard for my sister the day my niece Catie was born. Mom had been gone a year and a half, Dad was remarried, and now a step mom was involved and so excited about being a grandma. It just killed my sister to think that she got to be there and not my mom. But, you know what, when the time arrived and Catie was born it was okay. She still wished mom was there in person, but she and I felt mom there. She was there in Catie's first breath, and her first cry. She was there saying I saw her first, and I'll be with her every day of her life. She looked like my mom.

It still is hard for her, and we talk of it often. If I could have traded the birth day of one of my boys with Catie's so that mom could have been there for my sister, I would have.

If you're ready, have your baby, he or she, may actually put you closer to your mom then you think. If we look deep in our hearts our loved ones are never gone, and little bits of them live on in us and our children.

I will pray for healing and mending of your heart. And that you find peace in your mother's passing in the years to come.

God Bless,

KIM

[wyogirl]

Nick,

I know what you mean about the "someday" children. Even though my dad got to see and hold my son, he won't be there for any of the things that make watching a child grow up so wonderful. He wasn't even here for Ryan's first birthday. And he won't be here for any other children I may have, or any that my brother may have. He'll see it all in heaven, but it just isn't the same....for us or our children. That being said, my son brings me so much joy, and gives me a reason to believe in the goodness of life, and to go on. I can see my dad in him, and it brings me some peace, and some pain.

I'm so sorry that your mom won't be here to see her beautiful "someday" grandchildren, but I know she will always be watching over you all. And she will be in your heart.

Peace and joy to you during the holidays and beyond.

[trish2418]

I'm so sorry you're hurting right now, Nick. As a mother myself, I know that your mom would never have wanted you to deny yourself the joys of having a child. And your mom will live in your child, you'll be surprised by all the ways your child will remind you of your mom, even though they've never met. My father died 30 years before my daughter was born, and I see things in her that are just like him. They'll meet one day and magic will happen.

Take good care of yourself and remember the happy times.

Trish

[ma's kid]

Nick,

For the longest time I have wanted to tell you that your posts have touched my heart...your loving spirit shines, Nick and I KNOW your mom is smiling.

You will be a wonderful dad someday.

Hugs to you and your wife.

Libby

[Ann]

Nick, my eyes are completely filled with tears after reading your heart felt post. This one is really close home for me, having just become a first time grandma. I had to stop and think about all of the joy I have now since little Ella was born just one week ago. I do believe that your mom will be there for your child, just as she will be for you. who knows? Maybe your mom and her grandchild have already met !!!