shelliemacs Posted October 4, 2003 Share Posted October 4, 2003 I know I have not been on the board much posting since my mom lost her battle on August 15, but now I am asking a favor of all my family here on the LC board to welcome my father. He is here for support and just plain old friendship from the only people who can truly give it and understand what he is going through. He will be singing on tongiht for the first time and his name is Chuck. I ask you all to make him as welcome as you made me and give him the same level of support you all gave me through my moms illness. the grief road is long and hard and were trying to get through it together. thank you all Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted October 4, 2003 Share Posted October 4, 2003 Hi, Chuck, and welcome to our little family here. So sorry that you lost your dear wife to lung cancer and I pray God give you and Shelly the grace, love and strength to get through the grieving process. We much appreciate Shelly staying with us, and hope you will be a regular as well. You have a great daughter there, as I am sure you know. Blessings. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted October 5, 2003 Author Share Posted October 5, 2003 hello everyone. My name is Chuck and I am shelliemacs (shelly) father. I lost my wonderful wife Kathleen just about 1 1/2 months ago. To say the least it has been horrible. I miss her with every breath I take and I have no idea what to do with myself or where to start picking up the pieces. I have lost interest in virtually everything I did before my wife's diagonosis and passing. I can't imagine going on with this life without my wife who was the absolute love of my life. I don't know what I am supposed to do now. Shelly keeps encouraging me to join a widowers support group but I haven't made the phone call yet. I dont know why. I rattle around in our house and the quiet is so loud it almost drives one crazy. I am only 58 years old and I am all of a sudden lost and unsure of what I am supposed to do now. I am going through the motions of going to work every day and I go to my wifes grave 3 times a day and it still has not sunk in that the reality is she is gone and no matter what I do she isn't coming back. I dont really have a point, I guess I am rambling here like I do in my house and I dont know which door to take to start life over again. I appreciate the hello's and maybe when I am able to I want to volunteer at the ACS to help someone else who is in the same situation as my wife was. thank you, Chuck ( I typed this in for my father) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted October 5, 2003 Share Posted October 5, 2003 Welcome Chuck, There are many others on here that have lost loved ones this year and I am sure they will be of some comfort and help to you, if they see your post. You will find many of their stories and memorials of their loved one in the grieving forum. How about writing your own about your wonderful wife? All the best to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dadstimeon Posted October 5, 2003 Share Posted October 5, 2003 Hello Chuck. I’m so sorry for the loss of your wonderful wife Kathleen. My wife’s name also is Kathleen. You mentioned volunteer work at the ACS. That’s a great place to start and you will be able to help other people in Kathleen’s memory. A widowers support group will help you also in your grieving. Do not hesitate. I’m sure Kathleen is looking down on you and saying get those feet moving. Hope this helps you. Take care and God Bless. Rich Quote: Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. Harriet Beecher Stowe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted October 5, 2003 Share Posted October 5, 2003 Chuck, take your time through the grief process, but do look for opportunities to reach out -- for support and to help others. Rambling and venting are very much encouraged and supported here, so don't worry about that. We are here for you and Shelly. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glo Posted October 5, 2003 Share Posted October 5, 2003 Chuck - Welcome to the board. Your post especially caught my eye, since my husband's name was Chuck. I'm in pretty much the same place you are. Chuck died on Sept 1, and my house too is empty, after almost 40 years together. I'm 61 and Chuck was 65. Even with all the legal things that have to be handled, life insurance, social security, taking his name off things, I haven't accepted that he's actually never coming back. Sometimes I think it's only that lack of reality that allows me to function at all. I could retire, but at this point my job is helping to keep me sane. When I'm home alone I wander from one thing to the next. Start cleaning or organizing rooms or papers, etc. then just wander off and leave it. Seems we both have the same good luck, though, with supportive daughters. My daughter has not been on the board, but oh, she was my rock while her dad was in the hospital. She's 29 and was daddy's little girl . She always said any sentence from her that began with "Daddy" in a little girl voice was guanteed to produce results. She once laughingly told her friends -- don't make me produce my dad here -- because I can. If I call, he'll be here within the hour. She and I both were secure in the fact that it was absolutely true. Excepting actual physical distance limitations, of course. So we both are missing him tremendously, and it hurts a lot. I think we shouldn't worry too much right now about whether our reactions are good or bad -- everybody grieves in their own way. Counseling, if you want to go is good, but for me I think I get almost as much out of reading and posting here. The main thing is to be able to express the grief without feeling that I'm burdening family and friends with it. It feels like this huge surreal world will never get back to normal, and it won't because our definition of "normal" is vastly changed. But I lost a 21-year old son to a motorcycle accident in 1989 and so I know that even though we'll never "get over" the loss, it does become incorporated into life and less painful. Wishing you more peace and less pain each day. So sorry you have to go through this. Gloria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candy Posted October 5, 2003 Share Posted October 5, 2003 Hi Chuck, This is a wonderful place to come for support. So many people going through what we are going through. I understand how you feel but I don't have any answers. I lost my husband one week ago. I haven't even begun to greive. He was 59 years old and I am 47. I can't tell you how many people who attended his wake just shook their heads and told me I was too young to be a widow. I guess they don't understand that age doesn't matter. Its ALWAYS too young to be a widow/er. I can only say that I have never felt so alone. Even when I am surrounded by people I feel alone. I haven't thought about support groups yet. I think they may be a good idea. I know this support group has been a huge help for me throughout this entire ordeal. My sister-in-law called me this morning to ask me to go for a walk with her. I said no at first and then I changed my mind and made myself go. I didn't find much joy in it but I did feel slightly better being out of the house. I think making yourself do things is important. I will be so glad when I can get up in the morning and not open my refrigerator and see food in there that Hugh prepared, or not have to do something that is a first without Hugh. I had to run into the grocery store this afternoon to get dog food and its the first time I have been there without Hugh. It was much harder than I expected. I parked in "our" spot and ran in fighting tears all the way. I quickly grabbed the dogfood and ran out and cried all the way home. I have never felt this horrible ever in my life. Keep telling yourself that time will make it better. I know it must because men and women survive this every day. I believe that keeping busy is the key. Its making yourself put one foot in front of the other that's hard. Sometimes I feel like I have to work at making myself even breathe. I am going back to work tomorrow. We are all here for you - to listen to you vent, cry or complain and to hear about the small triumphs along the way as you heal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Hi Chuck, I think its great that that you are here. I lost my beautiful dad to LC almost 6 weeks ago. My moms heart is broken. I tried finding different support for the overwhelming grief, but my search brought me back here because the people here really know what we are going through. I think it helps to know you are not alone even though we feel like we are, there is always someone here who knows how you feel. I wasnt sure I should be here after my dad lost his battlle, then I was persuaded otherwise to stay. I am glad I did. Welcome Chuck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Hi Chuck I feel like I know you from all of Shellie's posts. I am sorry about your wife. I don't know what to tell you about your greiving. My husband has always been the one who was sick throughout most of our married life. I always feared losing him. He had two open heart surgeries, almost died a couple of times but thank God he is still with me and now I am the one with Lung Cancer. Life is very strange and we never really know what to expect. I agree with Shellie that you should join a support group. I know it will be hard to make that first phone call and attend that first meeting but I think it will help you a lot. You will be with people in the same circumstances that you are in and I am sure they can help you. Also please come and post on these message boards there are so many people here that have lost loved ones to Lung Cancer and they do understand your greif. I alsways think about Shellie and wonder how she is doing, she is such a wonderful daughter and you are lucky to have her. May God grant you strength to get through this time Bess B Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norme Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Goodmorning Chuck, I guess you are off to work right now but hope you come back on tonight and read all the great posts from some really terrific people. To read what all of you are saying to each other after such a short time of loosing your loved ones is just amazing. Each of you is so much stronger then you realize. Plus, the getting on here to help one another at a time like this in your lives shows what wonderful people there are in this world of today. I remember the loss many years ago of my mom and dad in 1972 and 1973 with lc and the loss of my three dearest friends of cancer, then my dear sister in 1995 of heart and my brother of lc in 1998 and another dear friend of heart in 2000 but it is still not the same as one's loving spouse from what I am reading. We all have had great marriages and I assume that is what makes this death thing so horrible, but yet, it must be what makes it also bareable. The saying and I am not so sure I am saying it right but here goes: "IT IS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THEN TO NOT HAVE LOVED AT ALL" must be so true and because of that love, it must be why you all are able to come back on here and help all of us who are still going day by day wondering how our lives may be affected and what we will do should it come to that ending. Thank you all for your loving and kind words to each other and I hope and pray you all find peace soon within your hearts and carry on with life as your spouses would have wanted, - - for I am sure they watch over you daily. God Bless Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 How true that is Norme, I remember one time my dad was in the hospital, he told me he was sorry that he was putting me through this and I told him dont be sorry its because we love you that it hurts and that it was a good thing for me to have that love than not to have had it. A friend of mine also commented at his funeral that I was so lucky to have such a wonderful father even though the loss is devasting, because she didnt even know where her father was(thats so sad)I think all of us here really have a greater understanding of what that means. Whether we lost fathers,mothers, wives, husbands or anyone that we loved unconditionally with all our hearts I know we are better for having loved them and them loving us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaMRG Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 Welcome, Chuck. Im so sorry about your wife's passing. We all love Shellie and are glad that you are turning here for support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 I know how you are feeling. I lost my husband of 26 years December 15th, 2002. He had just turned 50 years old. We had known about his sclc for only 10 months. I know how you are hurting and how empty you feel. It feels as if nothing will ever be better again. Believe me...there will be better days ahead. You will begin to remember the great times you had together and think less and less about the sad times while you were dealing with cancer. There are days that I think I am really doing fine and then some little something will come along and bring back all the feelings all over again. I think you should listen to your dear daughter's advice and call about the support group. There is nothing more helpful that talking to people that have been through what you are now going through. That's the great thing about this group...we all understand each other and are always here for support. Keep joining us. It does help!!! In the meantime, you are in my prayers. God will keep you strong and able to bear this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiny Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 Dear Chuck, Your introductory note to us was so poignant and sad...how unhappy that we all must experience your emotions some day. We welcome you here with open arms, for your insights and support, and hope that the involvement will somehow bring consolation to you too. Please accept condolences on the loss of your beloved wife. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna D Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 Hi Chuck, My heart goes out to you and Shelly. It is amazing how we all have so much in common. I too, like Shelly lost a wonderful mother and my Dad also lost the love of his life. She left us in July so we too are still coping. Dad is feeling lost as well. I am going to see if I can get him to come online, maybe you two could talk. Dona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 Chuck, I can't tell you how much I understand what your going through. I lost my wife just 3 months ago and I have not yet figured out how to "Live". I too am in survival mode for right now and thats about all I can do. BUT I am going to do it. I owe it to my wife to live the life we wanted. I wont allow myself to fall apart and give up because whatever I am doing and wherever I am going in the time I am here I take her with me always. I will keep talking to her like she is here with me because she is in my heart and will always live there. I know she hears me and is with me. I have to believe it. my wife deserves the honor of me doing for both of us by living out our dreams. I will allow myself to grieve but when that is over (and who knows how long it will take me) I will brush myself off, pick up the pieces and go out there and LIVE for her and myself. Live while your ALIVE. it can be over in the blink of an eye. Dont rush it all away. You only get one go-around and when the big guy wants you, you better believe he is going to send for you. I know it seems an impossibility today as you sit and read this. It still does for me too. BUT honor your wife Kathleen, by living big because she is still with you and in you. Benjamin wife of 30 years passed away from cancer 7/12/03 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted October 7, 2003 Author Share Posted October 7, 2003 Dear Friends, Thank you so much for your support and thoughts, in the loss of my wife Kathleen. Kathy passed away on Aug. 15, 2003, of lung cancer. Kathy through out our 22 years of a wonderfull marriage, was the center of my life. She was my life. I miss her so much. Yes the house is emptyand it feels like my life is empty too with out Kathy. I have tried to do other things to occupy my time. I go to work, I do visit with my friends and I do things with Shelly. The fact is Kathy is on my mind constantly. I have always said she was my soul mate, it was true. I still find myself going to the cemetary 3 times a day, tovisit and talk with her. Each day I miss her more. I do realize, that some day the grief and sorrow will lesson an I will go on with my life as Kathy wanted me to. iwould like to share with all of you, something I wrote for Kathy and read at the sevice in the cemetary when we laid my sweet kathleen to rest. You are my friend, my love, my wife. We could not haved loved each other more. I remember we would tell each otherour love was to infinity and beyond. It was true. You will always be in my heart. I miss taking you into my arms and saying I love you. I look forward to my time when I will be able to hold you once more and say, "I Love you My friend, My Love, My Wife". I will keep those who have lost their loved ones and those who are fighting the battle to beat cancer in my prayers. Thank you for all the responces. Chuck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebayou Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 From the depth of such great love comes great sorrow. I envy your having found your soul mate...so many don't. God speed your healing so that you may move forward and live again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest canuckwebgrrl Posted October 8, 2003 Share Posted October 8, 2003 Welcome Chuck, You'll find lots of great people here. We have quite a collection of wonderful, supportive, inspirational people here. Sometimes just reading posts can help you through. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karma1976 Posted October 8, 2003 Share Posted October 8, 2003 hello chuck, welcome to the boards they are a great!!!!!! Your daughter is amazing!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
espy Posted October 9, 2003 Share Posted October 9, 2003 Dear Chuck, Sorry I'm a bit late in responding. Just wanted to welcome you and at the same time express my deepest sympathy for the loss of your wife. As you probably already know, there are many understanding and caring people on this board. Hopefully you will find at least a bit of comfort here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 Hi Chuck and Shelly I am so very sorry that you have to be here. I wish that none of us had a reason to be here. I want to talk to all of you who are so new to the crushing heartache that we feel. I have a lot in common with all of you but in many ways my story is different as anyone who has read my other posts know. Johnny and I were never married. We met and fell in love 44 years ago but because I was younger than he was by 11 years(I was only 15 at the time) a family member broke us up without the knowledge of myself or my mother who loved Johnny like a son from the minute she met him. We both ended up marrying someone else. While my marriage of 41 years was finally coming to the end that had been put off for so long, a dream sent me searching for Johnny. To make a long story short we were together again for less than a week when he was diagnosed with NSCLC July8th 2002. He responded better to treatment than anyone expected but for many reasons besides the cancer he died December 2,2002 just 5 short months after we were finally together. My heart is so broken and I feel like someone just took a hatchet and chopped off a peace of me. I'm sure that you all know what I am talking about. I think that life can play some dirty tricks on us. Sometimes still that is all I can concentrate on. I know tho that as much as I am hurting that I would not trade that 5 months for anything dispite the pain. It is so true that it is better to love and lose than not to love at all. That doesn't take the pain away but sometimes the love is all that sees me through the day. I can't voluteer anywhere because I have to work to live. I did choose a job that is very low pay but it gives me a chance to work with the forgotten people. The ones who are old or sick or both. I find that because of my own heartache and experience that I am very good at my job. I don't rush these people to do things and I take time to listen to them. I want to give to them all of the things that my Johnny was denied. Sometimes it is so hard because most of these people are in their 80's and 90's and we lose someone far too often. I wonder sometime if I am putting myself through the trauma of my job for nothing then when one of my people smiles at me or hugs me and tells me that I make a difference to them I again feel like that is the purpose for all of my pain. I have to be here for these people. I have to believe that or I don't think I could survive. I live a long way from my children and grandchilder but as much as I love them I could never go back to that life. I get so lonely but I know too that I could be in a room with a thousand people and that would not change. It is the feeling that there is nothing else to wish for or dream about that is the hardest. The 5 months with Johnny was the fulfillment of all of my dreams what is left now? I think you should know that there will be days when it is better and you think that you are starting to heal. I have had so many of those days but one little thing can set me back for months. Life goes on around us but we feel like we are no longer a part of it. The only thing that we want is what we can no longer have, to be once more in the arms of our loved one. To hear his voice or see his face to know the joy of him saying a simple "I love you" or "thank you" or to hear him call you one of the special names that he had for you. How I ache just to feel him reach out and touch my hand as I pass by once again. I know those things will never happen again. Being seperated for so long was so painful but there is no pain like the finality of death. Each day that comes now is the aniversary of some crisis or something that had it gone differently could have made so much of a change in the outcome of Johnnys sickness. Each one of these days torments me. Every memory is just so intense. I live them over and over. I value the good memories so much but in many ways they are even more painful. There are days that I wish that I could forget everything and others that I am afraid that I will and lose what little of my Johnny that I have left. I am not telling you these things to upset or discourage you. I just think that you should be prepared. Once your heart is broken and so much of your life is taken from you it does not heal overnight. It has been over 10 months sense my Johnny died and the pain at times is even sharper than it was at first. I love him more everyday and I miss him more everyday and I think you too will find yourselves with those feelings. I think that they are normal. A support group is a good idea tho I could never make myself join one face to face. I did join one through cancer care on the internet and I think that got me through the first 4 months while I was in a stange place all alone dealing with something that no one ever expects even tho we know the posibility. Once again I say welcome. There are some wonderful people here and they know so much about both the disease and the loss. Many I pray who will be future survivers years from now. Pray for a cure and reach out to others. And above all lets work to change the attitude of people toward cancer. No one is a lost cause until God says so. Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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