EastCoastLadi Posted April 18, 2007 Share Posted April 18, 2007 Where did the time go? It seems like both a long time and yet almost like yesterday, since Carlton died. It isn't getting any easier. There were so many moments that I sure could of used his help and support. I hate having to be both "mom" and "dad", I'm doing the hard dad stuff Carlton used to do and I have to do my mom stuff. It's too hard. I've been pumping out my basement for 3 days now and just discovered my porch roof is leaking again, the one we had fixed 7 years ago, my ceiling is ruined. I can't do this alone. I don't want to. I still cry everyday, not continously, but it happens. This past Friday, I took a big step and went to the cancer center to visit my husbands' oncologist, since I was up in the area I wanted just to say hello. He was so happy to see me, and we gave each other a big hug ( gosh I needed that so much!). He told me again that he has such a deep respect for me, I still don't know where that is coming from, perhaps when chat again I will ask him. He tells me his door will always be open to me, and wants me to come back and visit him, he wants to know about who Carlton was. I was good, I didn't break down, I left that for as soon as I got on the elevator. I still don't understand why, and I am not on good terms with GOD, maybe sometime, but not right now. The girls are doing the best they can, they're just kids, my oldest 12, had a very hard night a few nights ago, I told her, it isn't fair and I lost my dad too. to which she replied, but mom you weren't 12. How do I answer that? I'll tell you how messed up I am right now, I'm here crying again, still having to take care of the house, while I have a sister that right now is in the "city" working on a project with a real "BIG TIME" NFL superstar!, and you ask why am I thinking of that, because I helped her get stuff together, did research and what do I get, well I get to hear about all the good time she had, why I go and put on my boots and pump out the cellar again. hey thanks for the listen, I know it is just rambling, but thank you, thank you, so much for being here and not leaving me. Grace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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