8 weeks ago

[EastCoastLadi]

Where did the time go? It seems like both a long time and yet almost like yesterday, since Carlton died. It isn't getting any easier.

There were so many moments that I sure could of used his help and support. I hate having to be both "mom" and "dad", I'm doing the hard dad stuff Carlton used to do and I have to do my mom stuff. It's too hard.

I've been pumping out my basement for 3 days now and just discovered my porch roof is leaking again, the one we had fixed 7 years ago, my ceiling is ruined. I can't do this alone. I don't want to.

I still cry everyday, not continously, but it happens.

This past Friday, I took a big step and went to the cancer center to visit my husbands' oncologist, since I was up in the area I wanted just to say hello. He was so happy to see me, and we gave each other a big hug ( gosh I needed that so much!). He told me again that he has such a deep respect for me, I still don't know where that is coming from, perhaps when chat again I will ask him. He tells me his door will always be open to me, and wants me to come back and visit him, he wants to know about who Carlton was.

I was good, I didn't break down, I left that for as soon as I got on the elevator.

I still don't understand why, and I am not on good terms with GOD, maybe sometime, but not right now.

The girls are doing the best they can, they're just kids, my oldest 12, had a very hard night a few nights ago, I told her, it isn't fair and I lost my dad too. to which she replied, but mom you weren't 12. How do I answer that?

I'll tell you how messed up I am right now, I'm here crying again, still having to take care of the house, while I have a sister that right now is in the "city" working on a project with a real "BIG TIME" NFL superstar!, and you ask why am I thinking of that, because I helped her get stuff together, did research and what do I get, well I get to hear about all the good time she had, why I go and put on my boots and pump out the cellar again.

hey thanks for the listen, I know it is just rambling, but thank you, thank you, so much for being here and not leaving me.

Grace

[Treebywater]

((((((Grace)))))))

[Kasey]

Many many many ((((hugs)))) to you, Grace. I got my boots on with you, hon! Let's pump!!!!

Kasey

[shirleyb]

Grace,

It has not been that long but it sure seems like forever doesn't it? So much is on your shoulders now and how to you get through it? One day at a time, one moment at a time.

Call the insurance company about the porch and damage and have them come in and get it fixed. In the meantime, keep pumping.

As for the kids, it is hard. Mine are older and they still had such a hard time with losing their father.

Just know you are in my prayers.

[Nick C]

I could have written about 3/4 of that when I was without mom for 2 months.

The yesterday and yet the longest 2 months of my life.

The moments where I could use mom's help (still).

The visit to the nurse who took such good care of mom in her last 12 hours and the breaking down when I got in the elevator.

And I still talk to God and say, really, I understand suffering is part of life, but I really could have done without this one. I really would have preferred some other test. I tell Him this stinks, and really don't get it.

Grace, prayers for you and better days. I ache over what you have dealt with. I am so sorry.

[shineladysue]

(((Grace))),

What can I say.. Over a year later and I'm not doing any better than you are. I do understand and I'm praying for US.

Love,

Sue

[MsC1210]

(((Grace)))

I wish I had words to make it better. Just remember we are here, we will continue to be here, never forget that. Lean on us and let us help as much as we can.

Chris

[ginnyde]

Grace, I know this is not easy and unfortunately I don't believe that it ever gets easy, just easier. Even after over 2-1/2 years, I still cry, I am still angry that I have to do all the guy and gal jobs. And I don't have small children at home.

Be good to yourself every once and a while. Go out with friends, get a manicure, just get some ME time.

And remember we are always here for you.

[Maryanne]

Hi Grace

I am so sorry for all your sorrow. I wish I had words to help you feel better but I don't. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and it breaks my heart to hear what you are going through. I just can't imagine being without my husband as I depend on him for so much guy things and those hugs I get when I need a tender moment or some when going through stressful times.

I might help to get some kind of medication be it something to calm your nerves or if more somthing to help you cope.

Just know that there are many people here who are always here for you. You can vent at any time, please don't ever feel you are whinning or a burden to us. This was your love and now he is gone. I can't imagine the immense pain you are feeling. And I pray

I am so sorry.

((((((((GRACE)))))))

Maryanne

[Sonia Owen]

Hello Grace and Girls,

You are doing so well, being Mum and Dad, must be so hard for you. But you will and can do it for your daughters. Take each day as it comes. My thoughts and prayers are with you, sending them across the miles right now. Take good care of yourself Grace.

Love Sonia UK XXX

[tnmynatt]

((((((GRACE)))))))

I so get it. I had cars to get fixed, a leaking roof, my air conditioner went out in August...it is hard dealing with all the stuff that Charlie use to handle. It just makes you feel that much more alone.

Please know that I am praying for you and your girls during this very difficult time. Cry as much as you need to...it really does help. Glad you were able to visit his oncologist. Take one day at a time.

Share whenever you need to....

[Andrea]

I am so sorry that you have to go through this :(

[Flowergirlie]

(((Grace))) I know it is so hard. I am so sorry we are all going through our own individual battles. It seems too much to handle, too overwhelming to be able to manage. Try to be easy on yourself. Have you asked for some help with these "guy" things and the basement flooding from someone you know? I have also had to figure out how some things work and what they even are, not to mention managing the boys who seem to think that I am suddenly a weak pushover. I feel it with you, everyday. I am so sorry!

Hugs...Flowergirlie

[asmakis]

Grace, I find a similarity between yourself and my mom. My mom lost her husband (my wonderful father) just two weeks ago, and she finds herself facing so many challenges with the house and life. My dad did just about everything and it seems that my mom is lost without him. The difference between your situation and our own is that I and my sister are grown adults- 28 and 31. We are able to help my mom around the terribly big and older home. The part though that I'm not able to help my mom with though is the lonliness she feels when she sits alone at night, or the lonliness she feels when she goes out in public and sees so many husbands and wives going about their business. There is nothing that I can do to fill this void and I wish I could. I wish too that there was something magical I could say to fill your void, but I just can't. I miss my dad everyday, and the only, the only thing that truly gives me comfort is knowing that he is having better days now.

My thoughts are with you,

Amanda

[Beth R]

I m really sorry Grace. Life is really tough sometimes.

[Ann]

Grace....I just wanted to say that I'm pulling for you! I know how very tough this is. I so remember the stage that I went through when I felt so much anager. I was even angry at Dennis for leaving me, although I knew he had no choice. Like you, I also went for a vsit with Deenis' oncologist and clinical trial nurse. It took me over a year to make that trip but once I did, it somehow helped me find closure. I think it was good for you to do this early on. Be strong, Grace. God is with you and we're all asking Him to stay right there by your side.

[StephanieJane]

Oh, Grace...my heart goes out to you.

Today is my 8 weeks. The longest and shortest and most terrible 8 weeks of my life. I can identify with your post so much. I still cry almost every day...I miss my dad intensely and at the most random and unexpected times I feel just overcome by grief and sadness and anger.

I am mad at God. He knows it. I am not sure why He would allow this to happen...I feel very cheated.

I wish I had some words of comfort for you...I am still trying to find that comfort for myself. I draw no solace in the fact that others are going through this...it makes it all the more heartbreaking. NOBODY should have to go through this. It is just so horrible.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that I am here for you if you ever need to talk. My situation is a little different since it was my dad and not my husband, but I too am alone with a small child and two big dogs and a home to manage. It is tough...but we must soldier on. I think that's the best way we can honor their memory.

-stephanie

[Mskim]

((((((((((((((Grace))))))))))))))))

Such a perfect name for you.

I know exactly what you mean about your sisters fabulous trip. WHen others are living and loving life it is hard to take a look at what we are going through and be grateful or happy about anything.

It is like it puts a silent exclamation point on the end of the staement I HURT AND I AM LOST but the rest of the world keeps moving.

I pray for you and your girls.