Flowergirlie Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 and feeling quite alone on this unbearable journey. I go through the daily motions, expecting something to revive some sort of hopeful view towards the future, but it is really hard to see any light anymore. All the years of our delightful companionship, the inside jokes that are not funny anymore, the favorite songs that have lost their meaning, the depth of my loss is never ending. Not only do I feel this tremendous sense of emptiness but everything I do seems pointless. To what did I owe this great debt, to take my husband away? I go back and forth replaying the events of the past year, from diagnosis, to treatment, to bargaining with his fate, to waiting on more test results, to the dying process, to death, to today. There is nothing I can do to change this, I can only try to keep from drowning in my sorrow. Flowergirlie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laban Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 I am so sad for you and I know that isn't helpful. I still have to look forward to what you have gone through and I'm scared to death. This is what I read daily and I hope it can give you some light this morning. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3, 5-6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 (((Melinda))), I do understand. It has been 1 year and over 4 months since I lost my husband and I am still trying to figure out who I am without him. It's hard when you lose what feels like a part of yourself. I can only tell you that there are more days that I find myself wanting to move ahead and days when I don't cry at all. It does get better. There are also those days, those thoughts , those songs that bring on fresh intense pain. It's hard. Hang in there and know that we are here and will be here for you. Love, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoopyfn Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 I SO get what you are saying...all the things we shared...they are all spoiled now...as much as I enjoyed them then...how can I now... yes...the inside jokes...you never had to say anything...something would happen and you both would just smile....I will miss that so much...I think about it all the time...we had TONS of them it has only been less than 4 days and yet seems like an eternity.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyr Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 (((((Melinda)))) I have no words to comfort you although I wish I did. You have gone through a lot of 'processes' this past year which have taken their toll on you. Your grief and loss are yet another process that you must endure. Be kind to yourself, be gentle and know that we are all here for you when you need us. Many here have gone through or are still going through what you are experiencing. They understand the pain better than I and I know they will reach out to you. Try to put your faith and trust in God and let Him bring you through this. Prayers coming your way for peace and strength during this difficult time. wendyr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanner Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 This sucks so much. There is nothing that can be said that will take away the pain. Nothing that can be done to take away the pain. I don't listen to the radio anymore. But I play all the CD's that we used to dance to. It has been 21 days since I lost my Karen. There is no sunshine. No ray of hope. Pre-dianosis (you know, life before), I / we used to dream about when we would remodel the kitchen, the vacation to Disney World we would take when the girls were old enough to really like it, the bulbs we would plant this fall to make the backyard shine next spring. Post-diagnosis (yup, you guessed it - life after), we stopped dreaming. We stopped planning. Now that I am living in life after after I still can't dream or plan. It seems pointless. I hear exactly what you are saying. If it was hard during the illness, it is downright impossible now. I am amazed I can still get dressed. I doesn't always happen in the morning tho. It all sucks. Worse than I ever thought imaginable. I love my girls, but they don't make it all better. And I can't live for them, any more that I could have died for Karen. But I would have died for her. Please take me instead I prayed. My prayers were never answered. So it is difficult to continue to pray. I just don't see the point. God didn't take the cancer away or make the pain bearable or take me instead or let her live another week to see her oldest daughter lose her first tooth or to see her own 51st birthday. And God certainly isn't taking away the current pain or making my life worth living. But I digress. I think that we will not drown in this unbearable sorrow. Even tho it may feel that way, and even tho we may want to. We have lost a large piece of our lives, a piece of our souls, probably the best part of our selves. And somehow, widows have gone before us and gone on with their lives. I find hope in that. I am not the first widow and damnit - I'm not the last either. Wish that I would be. No one deserves this pain. Maybe the ray of sunshine is knowing that the sunshine still exists and will be there when we are ready to release the hold that the darkness of grief has on us. It may be weeks, months, or years. But the sunshine will be there when we are ready to be warmed by it again. I am so sorry for your loss. Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamataca Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 The fact that you guys get up each day, remember to take each breath is a victory to celebrate right now. Hopefully meaning and goals and hope will return again some day, but for now you are doing well to get things done each day for your kids. Baby steps...you may not see it, but the rest of us are impressed with how far you go each day. Your sorrow is so deep and real that it surrounds you. I hope you are able to peek out soon. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sis Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 Flowergirlie and others... I read your posts and wish so much that I had some magic words to offer. I realize how deep the pain is for all of us who have lost someone... A person so special that it seems our sorrow will never end. The longing just to see or talk to that person, just one more time, and thinking that could make the pain more bearable. All we can do is hope and pray that time will help us all heal. Easy to say, but impossible to believe, I know. Some day, some time, God's plan will make sense to us. Until then, we just have to cry, yet at the same time, learn to laugh again, and be here to listen and support each other through this sorrowful journey. Hugs to all of you who are experiencing this sadness like me. Ellie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dtay Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 Hi Melinda I cant begin to imagine the anguish and sorrow you are feeling and the huge void that no-one can fill - but I just want you to know that I am thinking about you and the kids and send big ((((hugs)))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Connie B Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 All I can do is throw you a life-jacket of HUGS. ((((((((((((MELINDA))))))))))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 I don't know your pain, but I do know the drowning in sorrow feeling... I hear you. We all do. We hear how you feel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelley (MLC) Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 Melinda, I am so very sorry. It must be so difficult for you to get out of bed and face each new day. I know that you do it and will continue to do so for your children and for your husband, because that is what he would want. It doesn't make it any easier for you and my heart breaks for what you are going through. There are no magic words and we all wish we had the answers for why this could possibly happen. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Shelley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 There is nothing anyone can say that will relieve your pain. I can say I have been there but this is one instance where company to share with doesn't help. God bless you and help you all through the coming weeks and months. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ztweb Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 Flowergirlie, There is nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I do hope you know that you have our love, support, and prayers. I pray that God grants you the peace you need. You don't deserve this pain. Blessings to you, Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bev'sSister Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 Hi Melinda. I have been thinking about you. I am so glad you posted. I wish I knew what to say to help you get through this, but words are useless, I suppose. I just wanted you to know that we all appreciate your efforts to make us feel better when you hurt so much. Please continue to come here and talk to us. I will pray that your hurt eases soon and the good memories can begin to take over. We all love you, Bobby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma's kid Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 Hugs to you and I pray you find some comfort, flowergirle. Libby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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