Watching Oprah right now and had an AH-HA moment

[mamasbabygirl]

Oprah has a special on right now about death, grief, etc. Her first guest is the woman who wrote Crazy Sexy Cancer. She has cancer and says that cancer has forced her to live life to its fullest.

She and Dr. Oz were discussing all of the thoughts that run in your head when you are diagnosed with cancer. Mainly, she said that questions swarmed her head that she sought to explain as to why this happened to her. She spent a lot of time trying to come up with the reasons, conditions, etc. that caused her cancer.

I get soooo angry when people ask me if my mom smoked when I tell them that she died of LC. I always respond with "Why do you ask?" and it throws them off.

My ah ha moment is that I am wondering if the people who ask this question are seeking to exclude themselves from the threat of LC. Maybe it is a self-protection mechanism more than a mean spirited "oh she deserved that" kind of question.

What do you guys think?

[wondermom]

I too am one of the people who now gets very angry and defensive if people ask me if my mom smoked. However, before my mom was diagnosed, I was one of the people who "assumed" I (or any other member of my family) would never get lung cancer because none of us smoked. Boy, was my mom's diagnosis an eye opener! Even with the death of Dana Reeves, another never-smoker, I still kidded myself into believing that she must have been an isolated incident. This is what scares me so much. Until one is hit with the reality of lung cancer, I think many people look to "exclude themselves" as you say from lung cancer. That is why it is so important that people realize that lung cancer is not a smokers disease. It is a disease that affects many people. It doesn't matter if you smoke or not, if you are old or young, if you are male or female. Unfortunately, I am embarrased to say I was one of those people who protected myself (the hypochondriac I am) by saying that since I don't smoke I won't get it. I think you are right on the mark for many people. Thanks for posting!

[recce101]

"mamasbabygirl" ...I am wondering if the people who ask this question are seeking to exclude themselves from the threat of LC. Maybe it is a self-protection mechanism more than a mean spirited "oh she deserved that" kind of question.

Yes, I think so. Every "yes" answer to the smoking question helps the have-never-smoked or the quit-smoking-long-ago person feel a little more assured that they won't get lung cancer.

I don't recall ever asking the smoking question directly, but I do remember thinking about it and figuring I was pretty safe.

Aloha,

Ned

[dadstimeon]

People who don't know me when they find out ask me did I smoke. People who do know me when they find out ask me how did I get it I did not smoke. Does not bother me at all that they ask. I look at it as an opportunely to to bring awareness about lung cancer and the many ways one can get it. I never got the impression of a blame game or anything like that from anyone as to how I got it. Oddly I have had people who smoke tell me that they feel guilty I have it and that they should have it instead of me, go figure. I just tell them no one deserves lung cancer for any reason.

[sharyn]

Lori,

I wrote that same response to someone on here who was upset when someone asked the "did they smoke" question. I DO believe that it is a self-protection thing...an "oh thank god, i don't smoke so it can't happen to me"... when we all know full well IT CAN... but... yes, I do agree with you.

Sharon

[Nova]

I've been asked that question so many times about Harry.

At first, I got very angry about it.

Yes, he smoked, and in fact, he still does. Is it a wise thing to do? Of course not.

When he started smoking, did he "set out to get lung cancer"? Another "of course not".

At times, I wanted to respond with;

"Do you drink? If so, you'll probably get liver cancer".... or "You look a little overweight... do you eat a dozen donuts for breakfast? You'll probably have a heart attack", or "Looks like you've been in the tanning booth a few too many hours, so I'm pretty sure you'll come down with Melanoma".

I "thought" those things, but never spoke them.

I think you're right about the "measure of protection" way of thinking. Guess it's just human nature..

I try very hard to answer in a way that will enlighten people to the REAL facts about lung cancer. Sometimes I still get aggravated, but I'm mostly convinced they're just uneducated about it.

[Shelley (MLC)]

I like to think that most people are not mean spirited. Most that ask that question, ask without thinking first and are asking so that they can feel a sense of relief (so they think) about being a non-smoker...."this can't happen to me" I love my mom very much and am so sad that the has this awful disease, but I have never been angry with anyone that asks if she smoked. I always say yes, and that although she quit 7 years before her diagnosis, she still ended up with lung cancer. I use this as an opportunity to spread the word about the REAL facts. Shelley

[wendyr]

I have to confess I still get aggrevated when that question is asked by total strangers. The last time was 3 weeks ago in the waiting room of the chemo floor at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Orlando. Go figure. I looked the guy in the eye and said 'now why would you ask that?' That was the first time I responded that way and he was very uncomfortable so that is going to be my response from here on in.

[ernrol]

When I am asked that question, I tell them that I quit 35 years ago and how many people I know of that did not smoke and have lung cancer. I don’t get angered. I feel that the more people I tell this to, then the more people will realize that it is not a smokers only disease. This gives me a positive feeling that I am helping educate the nuts of the world.

Stay positive,

Ernie

[mamasbabygirl]

I guess that my point is that the question now seems (to me) less of "Did she deserve it?" to "I don't have to worry about that, do I?"

Perhaps my new response will be yes, but lung cancer diagnoses come to both smokers and nonsmokers. If they are engaged to hear more, I can share.

[Barbb]

When I answer people that Rod still smokes I am told that I "have to make him stop", oh really and how am I supposed to do that? Does anyone have a good response? I don't want to be nasty but do they really think if I could make him I wouldn't have done that the day I agreed to marry him?

Barb

[ursol]

There are very few people that did not know that I smoked therefore I rarely get asked as I started smoking at 13 and stopped at 40. I always had a cigarette in my hand even in most pictures of me. The nice thing is that I blame myself more than anyone else does. My family and friends always shut me up when I start with the "I wish I had listned to you about the smoking" dialogue.

One thing that amazed me was that most people who cared about me that were smokers when I was diagnosed, quit smoking. The few that have not stopped, hide it very well. I felt like they all were trying to keep the smoke away from my lungs. Although I truly believe I may have had this disease without the cigarettes I think the tobacco companies should be shut down and stopped.

Lilly

[ztweb]

OH I ABSOLUTLY think so! I think people look at the horror and are trying to assure they are NOT in THAT category. I don't think most people are mean spirited or think anyone DESERVES this dreadful disease.

Great ah-ha moment. I am glad you posted!

Jen

[Jyoung20]

I am in total agreement with you guys!!!

Thanks for bringing this up!!

GOd Bless!!

Jamie

[Littlegirl]

Lori - I totally agree with your aha moment. I for some reason cannot understand why people get soooo offended when asked this question. And it bothers me as I feel I am a very empathetic person and often try to imagine point of view from someone else. I have to assume it is just because this is such a sensitive topic to those dealing with LC. And I can't even believe I am posting these words as I've been flamed for them before.

But we do know that smoking causes cancer. And if someone asks me if my mom smoked I will gladly answer "yes" if it will make them think twice about picking up a cigarette. I know my mom would not have picked up her first cigarette if she KNEW she would end up with LC or with her lungs in such terrible shape. I do not blame her in the least bit, but I am sure she feels the guilt. I think people asking the question MIGHT just be trying to learn more and educate themselves. I think people are realizing that this CAN happen to non-smokers otherwise NOBODY would ask the question as they would all just assume all people with LC smoke.

karen

[wiesia]

I also have never been bothered with people asking this question. I am assuming they are just looking for information/cause. We do know that smoking causes great many LC's (not to mention other diseases). All I need to do is too look at my family. My father's mother lived to be 97, her mother as well. My father always thought that he had great genes and that he will see 100. He is gone and so are his two brothers -- all died around 70, all smoked, all from very aggressive LC. Their two sisters are very healthy, both more than 80 years old now. Smoking has robbed my father and me of great many years of life. I know that my father regretted ever smoking. He stopped some 15 years ago but that did not help. But most people get pulled into smoking in their teens - when one hardly thinks. I also think that my father would not have touched a cigarette had he known how many years of life this would cost him. We really need to focus on educating young people about the dangers of smoking. And if people ask us about smoking and LC maybe it is one way to spread the word in a real way about what might happen if you do smoke.

[hope4life]

I watched that Oprah show and felt truly inspired by the guest's ability to stay so positive. I wish I could somehow infuse such positivity into my mom (she is very depressed since diagnosis). My mom was diagnosed with NSCLC adenocarcinoma stage IIB in early September, 2007. Today she was upstaged by her new oncologist to IIIA due to the pathogist's error interpreting the post surgical findings . When people ask me if my mom smoked, I do feel kinda annoyed....that is because my mom has NEVER smoked and nothing could make her even try it! Then 99% of the time they say...."well then she must have been exposed to second-hand." Again, I have to say noooo... I try to use these questions to educate them that 10-15% of people diagnosed with lung cancer never smoked and they are usually so shocked.

[Nick C]

I think I've posted it once before that cancer period is scary...LC is something people can convince will not affect them if they did not smoke.

It's kind of that and skin cancer...they are the two that people can convince themselves will not affect them if they behave a certain way.

WE all know this is not true, but SO many people are under the impression it is.

I truly believe MOST of the time, people ask for this very reason, to make sense out of senseless tragedy.

[recce101]

"Littlegirl" I can't even believe I am posting these words as I've been flamed for them before...I think people asking the question MIGHT just be trying to learn more and educate themselves. I think people are realizing that this CAN happen to non-smokers otherwise NOBODY would ask the question as they would all just assume all people with LC smoke.

That's a good point, Karen. If people firmly believed that smoking is THE thing that causes lung cancer, their question or comment would be rather different, I would think.

I doubt that you're in any danger of being flamed for expressing such a reasonable view, but if you are, I'll gladly come to your defense!

Aloha,

Ned