Letting family & friends know how to help you

[nyka69]

I found this on another website, but can't remember which one. Anway, I remember many times in my life when some I cared about lost a loved one and I had NO idea what to say or do. Until now, I hadn't faced the loss of someone close to me. I'm sure I said and did a lot of things that weren't helpful. I wish I had read this a long time ago. This is mostly written from the grieving widows point of view, but I think it can adapted to anyone that is grieving.

HOW YOU CAN HELP ME

Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You

can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on; I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and

support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.

( Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.

© Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may say no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.

(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for thinking of me.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.

Wishing you all peace,

Nanci

[Maryanne]

Oh Nanci, I wish I had words for you.

While I was reading that I had tears streaming down my face. I can't imagine life without Joel.

I think about you and I just want you to know how deeply I hurt for you.

Maryanne

[Welthy]

Says it all. Thanks Nanci.

Debi

[lilyjohn]

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay

The quote above is what hits home the most with me. Yes, I have moved on with my life. I have made a fairly good life for myself but I am not the person I was before Johnny's death. I have lost so many people in my life and each of them and their loss have molded and shaped me into who I am today. Better and stronger in many ways but in others still like a lost little girl looking for the life I loved and lost.

I only wish someone would have passed this around when I was still so raw

Thank you very much.

[nyka69]

I actually posted this as a blog on my myspace account for my friends and family to read. I know they all want to help me. And thankfully many of them have been hugely supportive. But I can tell that there are others that are uncomfortable in my presence. I don't fault them for that. They haven't walked in my shoes. They just don't know what to do or say. I just wanted them to know that we don't have to pretend that my husband was never here.

And all of you have been hugely supportive. I only hope that someday I can give back to all of you what you have given me.

[Barbb]

That is very powerful. Thank you for posting it.

I think about you, and all the people I have met who are grieving and just keep hoping and praying you will find those moments of peace. I am so proud of you for coming here and staying in touch when you are hurting so deeply.

Barb

[Leela]

Thank you for posting that Nanci - it's just beautiful. I think of you so often and am sending cyber hugs.

Lisa

[MomsGirl]

Yes, Nanci, so true. Once you suffer a loss, you know more what to say and do for someone who is going through it. I know that I feel so much more isolated in the rare times I do reach out (like I'll say something on e-mail to a good friend about missing my mom), and then I get zero or very little response or acknowledgment. I know my friends might be uncomfortable or not know what to say, but sometimes I actually wish they would say, "I'm so, so sorry about what you're feeling now..." and/or "Why don't I make some time and we'll go to a movie or something?" Or whatever. Sometimes you just need some empathy.

Thanks so much for your post, my thoughts and prayers are going out to you tonight....

[teriw]

Nanci,

So true -- all of it. Thanks for taking the time to post that. I'm going to print it and bring it to my grief group.

I think one of the key points in there for other people is to invite you to spend time with them more than once. I said yes to everything at first. Now I'm more selective and have a smaller comfort zone -- I need some space, especially with the friends we only saw as "couples." But later on, I'll hope that people won't think, "well, we asked and she said no."

Thinking of you tonight...

With love,

[Willw99]

Dear Nanci

I have not been able to hold back tears since I read your post. I have been in your position with my mother years ago. Now My Darling Wife of 36 years has advanced stage 4nsclc and has not responded very well to 10 radiation treatments and 3 cycles of chemo.

This message can also aid caregivers in a wonderful way. At least I now know what I can do to help others in pain and alone when they are looking after loved ones. When friends ask about Diana,I have some gentle answers.

It tells me how I might look after myself now, and later when I might be alone.

Bless you

With a grateful heart,

Will

[kamataca]

Wow. This is just perfect...it should be required reading for al those around us. Sometimes I feel so bad for my husband...he just doesn't know what to do, and I don't know how to tell him.

Thanks.

Kelly

[MsC1210]

Nanci

I shared this piece with another of my online support groups which deals with the loss of a loved one. All of the members thanked me and I am passing on their thanks to you for sharing it.

Holding you in thoughts and prayers

Christine