barbara5452 Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Sorry, I have not posted lately, been very depressed, partly the cancer and partly this dreary winter weather. Last scan show stable, liver, spleen, adrenal all clear. But dominate 2 cm nodule showing up in the para tracheal region with minimal calcification which the onc. doc said may mean scar tissue after radiation. The calcification is what they like to see. I am so tired of worrying with this disease, does it ever get any easier ? For almost 4 years I have lived my life 3 months at a time like most of you and am feeling what will be will be. Is that denial or acceptance or just plan giving up ? If this nodule proves to be cancer again, I don't believe I can have radiation again to that area, is that correct ? My family doc says the good in it all is it is just a nodule not any place else. I pray it is just scar tissue from the radiation. Every radiologist reports has something different in it, that is very confusing to me. Sorry to be so depressing but that just the way I feel tonight. Please say a prayer for this awful depression to leave me. Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beatlemike Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Prayer said Barbara. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Sigh ~ I hear you, Barb. And I have to admit that I've found myself in that same boat on occasion. I don't know what the answer is to break away from the hold this disease has on us. It looks like you and I have been on this road for about the same amount of time. For a good portion of that time I've been on autopilot doing pretty good. BUT that hold never releases. Sometimes it doesn't feel quite as tight ~ but there nonetheless. And I will admit that I really don't even live my life in 3 month intervals ~ nope. It's more like 2 months because that last month I'm not sure about what kind of living I'm doing once I get on scan alert! As you can see, I've got nothing for you, Barb. Just know I'm sitting right beside you in the same boat ~ and for the time being at least, we each got a paddle. So that's gotta be good news. Try to take it one day at a time. I TRY ~ just not always successful. Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patti B Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Oh Barb- I hear ya, girlfriend!!! Sometimes I am so "up" and fighting like a champ and saying this disease won't beat me and then, wham, down to the bottom of the barrel I go. Don't even know what sets me off sometimes. Can't stop crying, worrying, getting irritated when anyone says anything about what I feel are their petty little problems (I know thats bad of me). Sometimes I stay down for just a day or two but I have had bouts which have lasted much longer. Then, all of a sudden, it just lifts and I go back to fighting again. I guess thats all part of this horrid roller coaster ride that we are all on. I am "up" right now because of a good scan but in 6 weeks when they schedule me for a new one, I will be losing my mind again and have to wait three weeks for it and the results. Its just so unfair, I know. Sometimes when I am so down I worry that its making me not live whatever time I have to the fullest and I don't want to take time away from me and my husband, and especially my teenage son. I tell myself that but its so hard to actually follow thru. Have you asked your doc for any type of meds to help you thru?? I know some people are against that sort of think so please forgive me if thats not what you like to do. My doc had given me a prescription for Lexapro when I was first dx'd without me asking for anything. Unfortunately, the first 3 nights I took it, I laid in bed and could feel my heart beating so hard I thought I was going to have a heart attack!! But others had had a lot of success with it. I certainly will remember you in my prayers. If you need to talk to someone, PM me - I will be here for you!! Since Kasey already has first dibs on the other paddle, can I just ride along with you two in the boat??? Hugs and hang in there - Patti B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dihen Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Barbara, you are in my prayers! I hope you will feel uplifted and refreshed again... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welthy Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Barbara, I'm glad to see you finally checked in --- I put an all points bulletin out for some people last week and you were one of them! Sorry to hear about the depression. More of the roller coaster ride. It's all about the fight and the longer the fight goes on the harder it is to overcome some of the shadows lurking in the corners. I understand and sincerely hope that things will continue to go well for you. We're always here with open ears for you. Hugs, Welthy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ztweb Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Barbara, I am so sorry that things are so hard. It just isn't fair that we have to go through this. You have every right to be scared. Cancer robs from us the normalcy that we had lived our lives with. We didn't know it was normal, until cancer reared it's ugly head and let us know. We are here for you. I pray that scar tissue is what it is. Blessings, Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Prayers and hugs.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barbara5452 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Share Posted February 14, 2008 God Bless you all, as I read all the replies the tears run. I feel I may have stayed away too long, not reading and keeping up with all of you. Once again you have shown me I am not alone in my fears and that really means alot. I will make a point to visit everyday. Again thank you VERY much. You all have already helped me feel not so alone. I Love you all. Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Connie B Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Barb, this may just be a dreaded NODULE! Yep, I have 3 of them now and have had 2 of them for over 4 years. They have changed (little) from 4mm to 6mm to 8mm back to 4mm. But we do the wait and watch game every 4 months. It really is WHAT IT IS! Worring about it isn't going to make it go away, or make it better, or make YOU feel better. It's a NODULE (Right now) and today is all any of us can deal with. Sadly enough the dreaded NODULE is more of a pain in the rump then anything else. I have a girlfriend who is an 8 year survivor NSCLC and she has had 4 nodules for 7 of those years. She's not had any problems with them but they watch them every 6 months. ((((((((((((((((((((((BARB)))))))))))))))))))))))) I understand your fear, but we're here for you and I hope we can help you through this bump in the road. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexan Posted February 15, 2008 Share Posted February 15, 2008 lOT OF PRAYERS ON YOUR WAY A BIG HUG BUCKY Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don M Posted February 15, 2008 Share Posted February 15, 2008 You certainly have my prayers Barb. I know how you feel. Don M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snappy Posted February 15, 2008 Share Posted February 15, 2008 "ztweb"]Barbara, . . . Cancer robs from us the normalcy that we had lived our lives with. We didn't know it was normal, until cancer reared it's ugly head and let us know. . . . Blessings, Jen Wow, I am new here. I don't know you Barbara but I have read thru this thread twice and it is inspiring and yet bittersweet to me. I will have you in my prayers. This quote is a very interesting concept. Thanks for sharing that. I can see my husband (the cancer patient)and I are about to go on a roller coaster ride like one we have never been on before. I hope he can avoid a lot of what I read here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carolhg Posted February 15, 2008 Share Posted February 15, 2008 Barbara, Understanding AND Praying! Carol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted February 15, 2008 Share Posted February 15, 2008 Welcome back Barb. So sorry about your bout with depression. I know the feeling of a nodule watch as we are doing this also with Joel. And his may also be just scar tissue. It is too small to biospy so we like you have to wait evey 3 months for the dreaded results. So far so good. We just put it in our minds that perhaps it is just scar tissue and it seems to work out better that way. The only problem is CT time. So we certainly know that anxiety! Yours is probably is just scar tissue as it happens to be in the same area. Just keep thinking that for now and keep a positive attitude that that is all it is. Hope this helps. Glad you posted, missed you here. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendy Posted February 15, 2008 Share Posted February 15, 2008 I too know how you are feeling Barbara. Here is a cyber hug for you and a prayer that better days are ahead. Wendy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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