cjolaw Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 My mom entered hospice more than a week ago; and seemed to be doing pretty well. Unfortunately, there has been a dramatic decline this past week. Her blood pressure has dropped; her urine seems darker, she is sleeping all but a few hours a day... I don't know that I was prepared for it to go this fast. She is still eating and drinking, using the bathroom herself and sitting up at the table when she eats. She even went to church today. So I don't think her death is imminent, but I can't imagine she has long. Unfortunately the docs and hospice personnel suspect she has brain mets now as she has double vision and she has done a few thing that are a little "out of character". She has started finding some peace and is even planning her funeral. In a strange way this has made things a little easier to handle, knowing that she has found peace. I looked back on something that I wrote quite a while ago when we were waiting for some test results. I thought I would share it with you all. I look at all that has happened and now without a doubt believe in grace. So much has happened since then... Where's the Grace in This? The struggle and questions stay close to me. I often wonder if anyone is listening, if my frailty as a human being is somehow causing her pain, or if my sinful ways won't allow me to ask for a miracle. Tonight, inevitably she waits in anticipation, knowing that tomorrow's test results could yield promise or sorrow, fear of the unknown or life... I can't bear the wait...it's a selfish feeling. I want to know that she will be by my side offering her ear when I have a frustrating day or laughing about the mundane happenings of life. I don't want to lose that, I'm not ready to lose that. And then there are the days I am convinced she will be healed, that God will hold her so close that she will feel the purest of heart's beating. But then I am stopped in my tracks. I just can't understand the struggle. Life has been so easy, so good, so pure up to this point. The pain feels so real, the threat of death stings me, I can't explain the grief I feel, even as she lives... I know the pain. It's mute. I'm walking down a grey-walled desolate hall to nowhere. I scream and my voice echo's deep inside, but no one hears. Does God hear? Is it his voice that is echoing? I pray for a miracle, and yet I know I don't get to make the decision. Why is the struggle worth it? Belief is such a foreign concept. I want to feel it. I want to smell it. I want to breathe it. But I can't. I can only experience afew moments of grace. A few moments of family. Those moments however, seem too small...too short. Please don't judge me. This is a struggle for me and for my family, with up's and down's with anger raging and love abounding all at the same time. I believe, don't get me wrong, but where is the grace in this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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