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Quick Update on my Mother


cjolaw

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My mom entered hospice more than a week ago; and seemed to be doing pretty well. Unfortunately, there has been a dramatic decline this past week. Her blood pressure has dropped; her urine seems darker, she is sleeping all but a few hours a day... I don't know that I was prepared for it to go this fast. She is still eating and drinking, using the bathroom herself and sitting up at the table when she eats. She even went to church today. So I don't think her death is imminent, but I can't imagine she has long.

Unfortunately the docs and hospice personnel suspect she has brain mets now as she has double vision and she has done a few thing that are a little "out of character".

She has started finding some peace and is even planning her funeral. In a strange way this has made things a little easier to handle, knowing that she has found peace.

I looked back on something that I wrote quite a while ago when we were waiting for some test results. I thought I would share it with you all. I look at all that has happened and now without a doubt believe in grace. So much has happened since then...

Where's the Grace in This?

The struggle and questions stay close to me. I

often wonder if anyone is listening, if my frailty as

a human being is somehow causing her pain, or if my

sinful ways won't allow me to ask for a miracle.

Tonight, inevitably she waits in anticipation, knowing that tomorrow's test results could yield promise or sorrow, fear of the unknown or life...

I can't bear the wait...it's a selfish feeling. I want to know that she will be by my side offering her ear when I have a frustrating day or laughing about the mundane happenings of life. I don't want to lose that, I'm not ready to lose that.

And then there are the days I am convinced she will be healed, that God will hold her so close that she will feel the purest of heart's beating.

But then I am stopped in my tracks. I just can't

understand the struggle.

Life has been so easy, so good, so pure up to this

point. The pain feels so real, the threat of death

stings me, I can't explain the grief I feel, even

as she lives...

I know the pain. It's mute. I'm walking down a

grey-walled desolate hall to nowhere. I scream and my

voice echo's deep inside, but no one hears. Does God

hear? Is it his voice that is echoing?

I pray for a miracle, and yet I know I don't get to

make the decision.

Why is the struggle worth it? Belief is such a foreign concept. I want to feel it. I want to smell it. I want to breathe it. But I can't. I can only experience afew moments of grace. A few moments of family. Those moments however, seem too small...too short.

Please don't judge me. This is a struggle for me and

for my family, with up's and down's with anger raging

and love abounding all at the same time. I believe,

don't get me wrong, but where is the grace in this?

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Oh Carrie...your words are so real, your feelings so raw, so believable, so exactly what so many are feeling. May you continue to know God's grace, God's peace, and God's warm hand.

As I always say, if there is anything I can do...please don't hesitate to ask. I am here for you.

Jen

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I've felt those same words. It was as if you looked into my heart during my most difficult of times when i lost my dad, then my mom, and you wrote what I felt.

Know that you are not alone. My thoughts and prayers for your mom, you and your family. This is such a difficult time.

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Carrie: Posts such as yours stab me to the heart. I can hear your pain but admit it makes me think of my own daughter in a similar situation. I was diagnosed Oct (or was it Nov?) 07 with a malignant pleura. Here I am stubbornly resisting the maintenance therapy my doctor recommended because my blood pressure is going up again with three bp meds every twelve hours. To think the battle could be lost in barely over a years time is still unthinkable to me and I'm older than your mother.

The bond between mother and daughter can be so strong. When I found out I had cancer, the first thing I thought was "poor Wendy" and then "poor Dominick" (one of my grandson's, Wendy's son, with whom I'm really tight). I know it would be awful for them to lose me.

I will keep you and your mom in my heart and thoughts.

Judy in Key West

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Carrie - your words touched me - your struggle with it all touches me. As a mother my children's fears and pain are the hardest thing for me to bear in all of this. You are finding God's grace. You are finding it in your mother's faith and peace. And you are finding it because God is walking through this with you - and he will be there for you always. My prayers are with you.

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Your words also touched me to the core. What an incite you have.

My prayers goes out to your mom and your family. This is so difficult, more than difficult...very unfair.

My heart to yours. Will pray for that miracle.

Maryanne

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