cathy Posted May 14, 2004 Share Posted May 14, 2004 I am so tired of being sad. It will be 9 months in a couple of days..I have no control over my emotions..Tell me how you guys feel so I know I am not alone..I miss him... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamie Posted May 14, 2004 Share Posted May 14, 2004 cathy, I havent lost my Dad, but I have lost two close family members in 1 week. Its a rough ride. With time, you will have more control over how you feel, but hey who am i to say, im still not "over" my guys being gone either. If you ever need to talk, PM me, and I'll gladly answer. My Dad has NSCLC too. So I can imagine the road you have traveled. Jamie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MO_Sugar Posted May 14, 2004 Share Posted May 14, 2004 Sweetie, I lost both my parents within 6 months of each other. My Mom in Oct of 1992 and my Dad in March of 1993 and I still miss them all the time! I can tell you the crushing pain will diminish with time but the pain of losing them will always be there. I catch myself once in awhile picking up the phone to call me Mom ( boy I don't want THAT long Distance bill) and then it hits me that I can't call her. I just sit down and "talk" to her and that helps a lot. Time is the only thing that will help and I am praying for strength and healing for you. God Bless, MO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted May 14, 2004 Share Posted May 14, 2004 cathy, i know my mom and your dads passing were like 3 days apart. I am still where you are. I try so hard at nite to get mom to come and talk to me or guide me or help me in the crisis I am in. But as of today she hasn't come to me once in a dream that I can remember. In fact I cried on my way to work this morning because my dad is now failing and I remembered the day I got the call at work that I had to get to the hospital right away. when I got there she was gone. I drove the dame road that day that I did today. It came back like it were yesturday not 9 months ago. I have pushed the grief to the side, I can't deal with it. It will overtake me. I don't think I could come back from it so I just don't think of her. I stay absolutely as busy as I can. day and night, night and day. when I go to the cemetary, which I can only do about 1 time a month, I still see the dirt, not grass and I am reminded that she is physicially under there and I could just dig her up and make her better, I would have her back. I guess I am not giving any advice that helps, just that I am still there too. So maybe it just takes allot of time, more that we have experianced already. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shirleyb Posted May 14, 2004 Share Posted May 14, 2004 Cathy, I can totally identify with what you are saying. The sadness is overwhelming at times and then the anger sets in. I keep wondering when it will end. I know why I am angry and that is a whole other story, but the sadness is never ending. I know in time it will ease and I will have good days, just as you will too, but it takes time. So, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do what you can and accept that what you are going through is oh so normal. You loved your dad so much. It took me over a year to feel happy again after my dad died, so I know getting over Randy will take that long if not longer. That is just the way it is. Just keep on keeping on........you are not alone hon. Take care. Love Shirleyb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.C. Posted May 14, 2004 Share Posted May 14, 2004 Cathy, I do not have many words of advise for you, over the years I lost everybody, brother, sister, mother, father and in October my husband, so here I am all alone, no children, no family at all, my only friend is 2,000 miles away, my husband only cousin (he saw her the last time she was 5 years old) now she is over 50 years old, lives in Ireland, so plus the pain I have the emptiness all the time. So I talk to all of them, aloud, in the house, in the car, while I take a walk........I am not crazy, I hurt. I can say I have more good days than bad ones, when I feel they all take care of me, but very bad ones, when all is black, I never ask to see them in a dream, when I did, they never came, now I have dreams of my husband and the chimes still are going. I started crying last Friday, because I got invited to a 50th Wedding Anniversary, (people I hardly know) and the tears stopped only Tuesday, when I got mad at myself to let people hurt me, when life did it so many times already. Yesterday was 7 months that Mike is gone. When I am at my worst, I do my cleaning, the house is sparkling clean, but it helps me getting rid of the sadness and pain, just for a while, but it helps. If you want PM me your address and I will send you semi precious stones that helps the healing after losing a love one, I place mine under my pillow and in my purse. Cathy keep going and you will see, some healing, but the scar will always be there. Good luck. J.C. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
natalie Posted May 14, 2004 Share Posted May 14, 2004 Cathy, I'm sorry you are sad. I notice it getting harder to deal with as time goes on too. I just got back from the hospital from visiting a friend who had a baby. It's the same hospital my mom had her doctors visits, CT scans, PET scans, where she died, etc. I felt horrible being there. It was wierd but I felt this huge emptiness not being at that hospital with my mom. It was as if I wished she were sick again so that we could be at the hospital together...what is wrong with me to wish for such a thing? I felt betraying my mom by being there without her...then there's my friend with her beautiful baby, her mom, and her mother in law and I found myself missing my mom so much. I won't have a moment like that with my mom. I figured if I associated that hospital with something positive it would help me with the grieving. It didn't. Do you ever feel manic? I feel like I'm either high or low but never at a balance. I question life a lot now. The longer my mom is gone the bigger the void is and the more it is real that she is gone. I just can't imagine not seeing her, talking to her ever again. I then am afraid that I'll forget things about her. I'm trying to etch things in my brain (her accent, her voice, her face, her sense of humor, mannerisms)...I'm so afraid I'm going to forget things. My mom's dad died (notice I don't refer to him as grandpa) when she was 16 so I never knew him. This is how my children are going to refer to my mom. As their "mom's mom" not grandma. That disturbs me so much. Sorry I don't have the most positive response. I know this will make us stronger and maybe we have a part of our parents in us now that we didn't have before. Maybe we don't have to miss them too much because they are right there inside us. I can do things and know exactly what my mom would say. I'm sure you can do that with your Dad too and there's some comfort in knowing someone that well. I'm so sorry that you are hurting. It just isn't fair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glo Posted May 15, 2004 Share Posted May 15, 2004 Checking in too, to say "yes, I know -- I'm still there too." I think we all feel every single thing any of us has posted -- just not all the same feelings on the same days. All we can do is wait it out -- and cling to each other. And Shellie -- Young lady -- it's a good thing you pulled those pants up. What were thinking mooning us like that this morning? No wonder you're blushing now! Just kidding, Shellie - I love all your avatars. I think you are the most incredible young lady. You've been bearing up under so much yet you still find time to encourage (and entertain) everyone on this board. (((hugs to all of you))) Gloria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SandyS Posted May 15, 2004 Share Posted May 15, 2004 I know your pain in very, very real and very, very deep - my dad died when I was just 2 years old. I never knew him, I have no memories. Try to cherish the memories of the lives you've shared with them, and bless everyday that you're here to live out your dreams......(easily said, but down deep, I'm still not over it after 40 years!) Hugs and prayers, SandyS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted May 15, 2004 Author Share Posted May 15, 2004 You know, I think my fear is that I may lose it one day and have a breakdown because I have never lost control of my emotions like I do now..He never leaves my thoughts, first thing when I wake up last thing I think of before falling asleep..I feel like I am too old to be acting like a baby..I dont think people around me know because I dont tell them, all except my husband of course.. I usually am not one to share deep feelings, I had a very close cousin that I would talk to almost everyday, I havent talked to her much lately, because she works more hours and seems to be very busy..I feel myself pulling away from people and cant figure that out either..I think I just need to know how some of you feel that way I dont feel like I am going crazy, from reading your responses it has helped to know that you all know exactly what I mean, I never thought I was a "needy" person, but this whole cancer journey sure has proved me wrong.. Thank you all for being there, and caring Jamie-thank you, the grandkids called my dad papa too, we have them from age 30 to 8 and hopefully my newly married brother has another.. Mo-I worry everyday that I will lose my mom because her heart is broken in pieces, that must have been devasting for you..Hope you are feeling better... Oh Shelly-My mom gets upset with me because I wont go to the cemetary, they are not there Shelly, thats what I tell my mom, my dad is not there, for me going back there, would put me over the edge..I am so sorry for your pain as well, you have been through so much... Shirley-I have read many of your post and they have comforted me, especially just looking at Randys picture, that alone makes me smile... Katie-You know how I feel about you, an angel wise beyond your years JC-I couldnt imagine not having any family, thank you for reaching out to me..I am sorry that you have to do this alone, but glad your here, so your not completely alone.. Gloria-your right sticking together has been a tremondous help, I am glad we have each other.. Natalie-Yes I do feel manic many times, talking to everyone here helps, I know you are having an awful time too, thanks for letting me know I am not alone.. Sandy-thank you for caring, I am sorry you lost your dad so young, I bet he is your guardian angel... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candy Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 I also wonder WHEN I will start to like life again. Everything you all talk about is just what I feel. Its comforting to know that I am probably NOT going insane. I get up everyday, I go through all the motions of living, but I am just never happy. I think I have times when I'm not consciously sad, and even times that I enjoy what I am doing, but I want to be happy again, I don't see it happening. My kids try so hard to fill the gap that their Dad left and I love being around them and am so grateful they are there. No matter how much of a "happy face" I paste on when they are around they see through it and then I feel like I've let them down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 Cathy, There is no pain like this kind of pain. That I learned very quickly. There is not a day that goes by that I don't choke back tears for one reason or another. I miss my Dad so much. We are about at the same time line so I always look to your posts and replies to mine for inspiration. It will be eight months tomorrow since I lost my precious Dad. We get through this one day at a time...one step in front of the other...and one tear after the other. And some days I just don't feel like getting through the day so I shut the world out for that day. In some ways I think it hurts more now then it did when I first lost my Dad. All the dust has settled and at that point you're expected to return to life as normal (I think this is what others expect) but life is not normal any more. I think this is what upsets me the most. I'm not sure it will ever feel normal again. Maybe we will create a new "normal" but until then, we can be your support as you have been to so many of us. Please, take care Cathy... Kris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 Cathy, I wish I knew. It's been 5 mos. for me and it just seems like one day blends into another. My kids keep my mind occupied at times and all times inbetween it's my mother. Everything and anything is a reminder and I guess it always will be. We just suffer in silence because what else can we do? I am grateful for everything I had with my mother but why isn't she here with me... Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted May 21, 2004 Author Share Posted May 21, 2004 Kim, Candy and Kris, Thanks for sharing your feelings, I know there is some peace for us down the road, its just so hard getting there, together one day we will be there.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karma1976 Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 I agree I am not sure when it gets easier, but even after a year, a day does not go by where I do not think about my dad or this disease. I try to do things now in life that he would have enjoyed. Tomorrow since it is the one year...I am thinking of maybe taking the day off and going bowling...sounds weird i know, but when we were kids we went to this specific bowling alley and bowled. he enjoyed teaching us very much so I might go back to that place...and bowl and take my mom along. (my sisters can not get off work which I think is sad) So it is my way of connecting with him, not letting the day be a day of total sadness but one of honoring him and things he enjoyed. He would have liked that better. So I do not think for any of us this is going to get easy and I am here for every single one of you, BUT when we feel sad...let yourself be sad...but then maybe try to do an activity that brought both of you such joy!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephnewyork34 Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 Hi there, You all said it perfectly. It has been almost two months since Mom died and I feel like a nutcase. I pretend to be happy all the time, because I am in a new studio in a new city with a group of people who don't know me, then I feel like I have been run over by a truck and I can't even move. Last night I was watching this silly movie called Bogus with Haley Joel Osmo. . .whatever from the 6th sense, you know the kid, and anyhow His Mom dies at the beginning and then he makes up this friend to help him deal with it. Well I have seen this film before and nothing, but last night I was watching it and I satrted to bawl, not just tears, really crying. I was shaking, and today I have been out of sorts all day. It sucks!! Do any of you ever feel like it didn't happen? and then you remember and feel guilty for forgetting for a few seconds? Do you have the dreams of your loved one that are so real you can feel their touch and hear their voice perfectly? Do you feel alone when there are many people around? I hate this sooo much, and I am so manic. I think it was Nathlie that said that and that is it. My Dad (divorced from my Mom) read me this thing he got on "when a loved one dies" and he was telling me all the things people say that are wrong, and it made sense. Then also made sure that I knew that I will never get over this, but instead learn to accept it. How can I accept she is gone? So 9 days , 9 months, whatever. it sucks. Hang in there. and sorry I can't be more inspiring. Stephanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Connie B Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 It never gets EASIER, however it does get (lighter, softer and we learn to live again one baby step at a time). There is NOTHING easy about grief, it hurts all the way down to our toes and back up again, and it makes us feel empty and lost and alone. NO ONE wants to feel that way, but we do. I can only say it DOES get softer and you WILL learn to live your life again. But it hurts like HELL to lose someone we love sooo very very much. So, let the grief run it's course and talk about how your feeling. It honestly does help to talk about it. One thing I have learned is that I never want anyone to forget my family members that I have lost. I don't want them to be forgotten and by me keeping there wonderful memories alive, I feel they are still close to me. The first two years in my opinon are the worst! God will give you the strength and you'll know when he does. My Love and Support To You All, Connie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest blynch Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 Cathy, I don't know what else to say except I am so sorry for your pain. I know the pain you feel, and can only hope it will dim with time. Warm wishes, Bridget Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
natalie Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 I'm so pissed off today. I can't even think of any intelligent words to express how I feel anymore. I'm just SO angry! I read your response Stephanie, and it just got me thinking, you expressed it just how I feel, this just sucks, plain and simple and I'm mad! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea B. Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 Dear Cathy, I wish I had the words to tell you how it gets better. I am still trying to figure it out myself. My mom passed away over a month ago and the pain is so raw it feels like just yesterday. There are moments that I am paralyzed with grief. I try to life and pretend I am happy, but truly I am not experiencing the joy of life. Someone once told me that grief is one of the loneliest roads you will ever travel and there is so much truth to that. After my mom's service it seems the cards, phone calls, letters start dwindling as everyone gets back to their life. But I am left with a life that I don't want and don't know how to proceed with. I need my mom. I am angry, sad, distraught, and sick that I will never get to hold her or hear her voice again. I miss her with all my being. I don't know how to tell you if gets "better". But I can tell you that you are not alone. Hugs to you, Andrea B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debaroo Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 Cathy, Sorry I havn't replied sooner, I just havn't been around in a while. I am the same way. I don't get emotional in front of people. I don't want to, when I am upset, I want to be able to be upset and cry and talk to Dad. I don't want someone holding me and telling me everything will be ok-cause 1. if Dad could come back, then everything would be ok, and 2. there is nothing to 'fix'. My feelings are what they are and I don't want anyone to try to 'calm' me. Most of the time I'm fine, and I talk to Dad throughout the day. But then something will hit me and I'll cry and cry, and miss him terribly. Not to mention the countless times I'll see some man that for one reason or another reminds me of Dad, I've gone so far as to FOLLOW one guy, because there was such a resemblence from the back of my dad, the way he walked, his hair color and texture, the baseball hat, his clothes...I followed him and just sort of thought that it could be him...that maybe I was the only person that could see him and that it was Daddy. Crazy, right? Its been five months and I don't know if it seems like forever since Daddy died, or just like yesterday...I relive that morning alot, just the shock that he died without any warning. The kids are always saying things or doing things that I KNOW Daddy would get such a kick out of...then I think, he IS getting a kick out of it. He knows, he has to know...the bond was so strong, how could something like death break it? It can't, it just can't. Anyway, I don't know if my post makes any sense, or helps any. Just wanted to say hello, and tell you to know that I've been thinking about you, Cathy, about all of you guys. Take care, deb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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