Feeling Bad (long)

[Debi]

I haven't been on the board much lately, I've been fairly busy with stuff..

Some loan company actually gave me credit and I have been shopping for a good used car. It has been with trepidation because somewhere, deep inside, this voice has been saying that I am jinxing myself, if I buy a new car I am just being cocky and will alienate the Cancer Gods and the cancer will come back with a vengeance. Of course I have ignored that voice because I KNOW it is my own superstiition and plunged forward. Couple all this with the fact that as soon as I step foot on a car lot, I know I am about to get screwed.. it has been an intense week!

I finally bought a car today, I will spare you all my somewhat comedic adventures with the used car salesman from hell. The finance manager at the dealership's mother had lung cancer back in 1991 and is still doing okay, so I took that as a sign that it is going to be okay, that taking on the payments is okay and planning for the future is okay. I left the dealership driving my new car and actualy feeling good about life even though I am going to be poorer....

My mistake was not going to my Insurance Broker, but in asking her whether there was any life insurance or short term disability that I could purchase, in my situation. I told her that my surgery was a year ago this last June and that I was Stage 1A, pronounced "cured", etc, etc. I told her that I didn't think anyone would insure me yet, but she seemed to think differently. If it was removed by surgery, she said, why then I don't see why you wouldn't qualify. Again, I will spare the details, but I had to listen to her make round after round of phone calls. I told her after the first call that it was okay, but she just kept on. Of course I only heard her end of the call, which consisted, after her initial explanation of my condition, of her asking well, why not if it was all removed?. Then there would be silence and she would say, oh, I see.. okay. Finally even she gave up and told me that I would need to come back in June of 2006 but the premiums will be high, that "no one would take me on, because it was in the lung and...". She just left the "and" kind of hang there and didn't finish the sentence. I don't think, since my surgery, and at least in the last 6 months that I have felt as hopeless and discouraged and just plain as sad as I felt then. I gave her back the brochures she had given me when she was just so convinced that I would get some type of coverage and she wished me good luck. Sometime during the last call, she had heard something that changed how she acted; all of a sudden she didn't look me in the eye. I put my sunglasses on to cover my tearing up eyes and smiled, thanked her and left.

This isn't fair.. I have been doing so well and now I feel like the entire world has written me off, I feel like there's a stamp across my forehead that says "Damaged". I ALMOST felt for a little while that I was okay, that things WOULD be okay, and now I have gone 5 steps back. Why did I even THINK that I could ask for insurance quotes?? Am I crazy??? I have lung cancer... the whole world sees me as already dead.

I know I'll be okay about this, and it will pass..I am just feeling blue right now. I guess I'll just have to show the bast***s that they don't need to write me of just yet....

[Snowflake]

Debi,

I love you. You are going to make it, girl. Due to recent chat room conversations (which I KNOW carry a death threat if revealed), I can't understand why the trip to the car dealer you described was so bad if it lasted more than five minutes! (I know you'll get that if you'll give it a minute to sink in...LOL)

ANYHOW

Congrats on the new car. Really. Too bad on the Oklahoma plates (heheheh)

Life insurance - YES, you SHOULD have known better than to throw yourself into a blue funk with a "visit"! BUT, pull yer arse back out, go back in 2006. NOT for insurance, "premiums will be high" but JUST to say "Here I am - STILL!"

Go out and prove to YOURSELF that you're going to make it, get a new pet. Your little guy will love it and it reaffirm to you that you are in it for the long haul...too many reasons you can't "leave" now...

Hang in there, girl! We're all in this together.

xxoo,

Becky

[daggiesmom]

Debi,

I had a similar experience with Life Insurance and extra Cancer insurance we could purchase at work - which, after being looked at by the broker as if i was dead - he kindly told me come back in five years. Unfortunately, I had to meet this broker as I am in hr and had to meet him at the various work sites and answer our employee's questions about how they can qualify. Believe me, i wanted to tell them what they could do with their duck!

You keep your chin up and ENJOY YOUR CAR! Praying for us all.

Joanie

[chloesmom]

Debi,

I hate that you're feeling bad about that life insurance thing, but please don't let that detract from the fact that you are a survivor! I get like that too, not specifically to life insurance, but just angry that I can't guarantee myself in my mind that I'm still really young and have a lot of years left to live. I think that the sad events on this board lately contribute to a lot of that despair.

But, it's times like these that I look to some people I know who don't belong to this board and are very long term survivors of lung cancer. I know Ronnie, who is in her late 60's and had a tumor removed 11 years ago. She's fine, and is also a 15 year breast cancer survivor. I know Len, who has just retired after working where I work for 51 years! He's in his 70's and is a 20 year survivor of lung cancer! I also read an article that Donna G liked to recently that said that although percentages of those who are cured of lung cancer are small, that's a lot of people because the raw numbers are so big. This article said that 26,000 people a year are cured!!!!!!! When I see and hear things like that, it makes me feel like I'm not a lost cause.

I'm a police officer, and have been one for 25 years. Last week we mourned the death of a 3 year officer, 27 years old, in the line of duty. We haven't had a death in the line of duty at my department for 20 years, and I was around for the same kind of tragedy 20 years ago too--another young life cut too short.

I personally think you've got lots and lots of life left--insurance people are impossible sometimes with their risk assessments and all that....they are going by the percentages. I feel terrible that you're blue, and I hope you're doing better. PM me if you want----I have times like you too--it's just that right now I'm feeling pretty darn good!

Take care, girlfriend.

Cindy

[Ry]

So you write this entire book and leave out what kind of car you bought? What's up with that? Drive it up to Michigan and break it in. We'll gather some Michiganders and have some fun (I am thinking inside Lisa O is a wild woman waiting to get out). The Beck is a wild woman so I'm sure she's up for something...

Hang in there Debi...you'll be fine..

Rochelle

[Don Wood]

Debi, the whole world is not against you -- you have a lot of support here! Sorry about the med insurance and the hassles. Hoping things get better for you soon. Don

[ginnyde]

Rochelle, Debi is keeping the make and model a secret for fear of TP.

Debi,

It stinks. First, I think the insurance agent should know the parameters of her job better and not have offered false hope. It must have been much more painful to think you can have and then, oops, sorry I was wrong.

If she know her job, she might well have had a kind and compassionate 'let you down' answer at the ready.

Debi, have fun and be safe with your Yugo.

Love,

[Fay A.]

((((Debi))))

One of the things I get a kick out of now is to meet up with folks like the ones you're describing....and letting them know that it's been 5 years and 3 months since they wrote me off as one not worthy of long term planning of any kind. Guess what? It isn't that "I'm Back"....It's that I never left.

Give me a few days to think about it. I just KNOW we can come up with something to do with the other poultry.

[betplace]

Debi,

I'm sorry you ran into that. But she doesn't matter as long as you aren't writing you off. And buying a car to me sounds like you haven't. Remember te best revenge is success. You know you can get life insurance, there are those policy's like globe that have a 2 year term where they only pay back the premium, but after that they pay out the full amount. It would get you something anyway and shorten the wait.

Blessings

Betty

[gail]

Hey there, been off the boards 'cause I sent my baby boy to college!!!

My therapist reminded me--11 years ago when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, and he was in 1st grade (cutest thing you ever saw), did I think I would see this day? I still remember his little face that day I picked him up from school. It was a big surprise for him that I was there, but had gotten the news that day, and wanted to see his big blue eyes.

She reminded me again--when he hit middle school, and I had the second breast cancer, did I think I would see this day? Heck no!, not some days for sure.

And when he was in 9th grade and the doctor said it was lung cancer, did I think then that I would be taking my baby to college? At that point I was just hoping for another day.

Then 9/11 came, and I was glued to the TV. All those people went to work and . . .

I realized I was very, very lucky. I saw how life could change in a flash, and I was still here People would ask how I was and I answered "My plane didn't crash into a building, I'm good"

Am I all better now? Feeling invincible? No way. I have moments, moments, and more moments. I feel bad for myself, I worry. "what if", and then say my new line

I could be hit by a bus tomorrow.

BTW, I also bought a new car 2 years after my surgery.

Keep those thoughts coming

gail

[Justakid]

OK, I'm two days late and two dollars short.

My Husband was diagnosed with krohn's disease and colitis 10 years ago, after the initial flare up it was brought under control and there has not been another flare up (knock on wood), anyway my point.......it took 10yrs before the insurance company's would rate him under a normal plan and he is still rated A-.

I know that people die from his disease but you sure don't hear about it as much as other diseases out there, plus statistically (which we are supposted to ignore) he has good odds.

Keep your chin up

[mayos]

I'm also sending you "KUDOS" for being a survivor Deb!!! It's just too bad this country's insurance industry is so greedy and ruthless. Keep your chin up and keep on giving the old standard LC statistics a bad name.

[Nushka]

Debi,

I had the same thing happen to me when I got an equity loan on my house set up just in case I have to have some extra money in the future. She told me I could get the life protection, but as you know, I was turned down as well. Took me a day or two to realize that I am not a statistic and was caught fairly early. The balance on the loan is still zero but its there if I need it and I feel more comfortable knowing that its there. Like Becky said, the best revenge is to go back in a few years and show that woman that you beat the odds.....that's all they are ...odds. I'll take evens lol

Nina

[luvmydog2]

I had the same thing happen to me when I got an equity loan on my house set up just in case I have to have some extra money in the future. Nina

Great idea Nina. You just answered something that I have been pondering on for a long - long time. I have no life insurance either and have been trying to figure out how my wife will pay my funeral bill without having to sell one of our houses.

Debi, hang in there and like the others have said...go back in 2 years and show them you ARE a survivor. As for me, I am the type to go back and say "Remember me? I am still here but am going down the street to get some insurance since you did not want my business 2 years ago."

[Fall54]

Dear Deb,

Dont you let them dampen your spirits!! You just got a new car and it's time to take it out for a good spin and be glad that you can. Like what was said earlier about the 911 victims, who would have thought that morning as they got ready to go to work that they would never come home again? I am sure it never crossed their minds. DONT LET ANY OF THIS CROSS YOURS!!! Live each day and be happy We love you and you are going to be around a longgggggggggggg time !!!

God Bless You Sweetie,

Jane

[Debi]

Thank you all for your posts ... I am feeling better.

I do have some life insurance through work (don't tell my relatives )... but the thing that sucks is that it is one other tie that binds me to this damn place. I have a new boss who we call Mr. Bonaparte (behind his back of course) and although all of us would give him 125%, he sees anyone there with any amount of time as a threat and refuses to trust us or what we say. He was hired from the outside, so of course he has no knowledge of the company, and it is kind of scary that he refuses to use his resources (us). Oh well, THAT is TOO long of a story to post. Suffice it to say I am tied there by many things right now including life insurance, medical insurance, lack of comparable jobs in town, etc. The great news is that I now have mobility and can get out of Dodge on occasion!

Anyway, I never should have asked my broker about insurance but I have been mentally feeling good.... I should have just gotten my car insurance and left. However, I have decided that in June of 2006, I will be driving my Ford Explorer (grrr ginny ) through the front lobby of the insurance office. I'm sure I won't do it but it helps me feel better thinking about it. I did the same with the nurse from hell who treated me badly after my surgery..I told my surgeon I was going to meet this nurse in the parking lot on my surgery anniversary and kick her *ss. It helped me sleep at night at the time. But I haven't done that. Yet.

Thanks again for all your concern and help.....

[cathy]

((((((Debi))))))

So glad you are feeling better..

[J.C.]

Debi,

Sorry I am late answering you, I was refused for

life insurance when I bought a car in 2001, not

on account of breast cancer, just because I was

too old...........not too old to drive a car, just too old

to be insured........you are able to get back at them

you will be around to laugh about it in 2 years, by

that time, I may be too old to drive.

Hang in there, you are on the right way.

Hugs

J.C.

[HickoryC]

Hi Debi,

Happy to hear about your wheels. Too bad about Napoleon.

My lc outcome was like yours in that no rad or chemo after the lobectomy of lower right. My surgeon expected the upper & middle lobes to expand into the cavity but that didn't happen. Did your lower expand into the cavity?