Treebywater

See... I sort of understand the lady's original statement. As I've said elsewhere my husband, who lost his father 7 years ago has told me, "It doesn't get easier, it just gets different." So far. I agree. I don't find it easier to be without my Mom.... but I feel different about it. I live differently. I like to say that I've learned how to walk around with this big hole in me without focusing on it all the time. I am living and going on, but it's still very much a part of me, and I can't imagine it not being. I am very resistant to the 'getting easier' idea in general for whatever reason, but I don't think I am choosing to wallow. I do my best to deal with the 'it is what it is' factor and go on and continue seeking joy and being happy, because I know that is what Mom wants. But I still don't find it 'easier' to be without her. I think in the end though, that's just my choice of semantics. I don't know this woman. Perhaps she is a wallower, and she has made the choice to stay in the hurt. But maybe she just uses different words too. Regardless--Don, you are a light-bearer and a chooser of the light. Always. No doubt.

Has anybody read, When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Rabbi Harold Kushner? I have been reading it lately--my Job/LC Stigma experience at church actually sort of prompted me-- and it really has proven to be a treasure trove of insight.... BUT... And this is a REALLY BIG BUT for me.... At least twice, Kushner has used Lung Cancer almost as the exception to his rules.... The whole premise of his book is that we don't bring suffering or bad things onto ourselves. And that when people 'blame the victim' to try to make sense of life they heap even more suffering on someone who is already in enough of a pit. He submits that life is senseless and sometimes bad things just happen. BUT... Then he makes comments about natural causes and how, "A man who has smoked for 20 years hardly has reason to ask, 'Why me, God' when he is diagnosed with Lung Cancer.: I read that, and couldn't help but think that it went totally against the whole premise of his book... Especially since though, yes, research indicates that a history of smoking increases one's risk, in reality there is no way to conclusively say that a person who smoked got Lung Cancer simply for that reason. If that is the case than why do the vast majority of smokers not suffer from the disease. I know, I know... I'm preaching to the choir, here. The fact is, Lung Cancer *is* senseless tragedy. No one asks for it, or deserves it. And it strikes just as capriciously and maliciously as any other affliction. Last night I read another quote which essentially said that we are ready to feel guilt to make sense of the situation. Because we like neat 'cause and effect.' Then he uses LC as an example of such neat cause and effect, as if it were THE black and white disease. It is just so frustrating to me to pick up this book hoping to find not only insight and encouragement in the new world-view this journey has given me, but also some comfort in losing my Mom and hurting so over that, only to have him say in two different places so far that her suffering 'makes sense' but almost every other kind doesn't. So... I'm going to finish the book, and try not to throw out the baby with the bathwater. And then, I'm going to try to find an address to contact Rabbi Kushner to point out what I feel are blazing inconsistencies and to educate him a bit about LC. *Sigh* I know that until it's in your life it is easy to be ignorant... But I hate when the people who are supposed to offer comfort, point fingers, level blame, and increase the hurt just like all the others. --End Rant--

((((Randy))))) If it doesn't hurt too much, I would love to hear how you proposed to Deb, and what your wedding day was like..... You guys had such a very special love.

Lisa--sent you a PM. I don't have any answers for you, but my Mom's last few days were so similar. I'm so sorry she's gone, and I'm so sorry that you are hurting.

((((Jen)))))

Great news, indeed!!!

I LOVE NED!!!!!

Sharyn is right, of course... There are no excuses for what she did.

(((((Grace)))))

Kathleen, You have every right to be upset. I would have been too. I'm the one who toted old hand creams and lotions back from IL to our home in WA and gets teary anytime I even think about throwing them away. (Edited because speculation was stupid.) (((((hugs))))) to you. I'm so sorry you didn't get that time with your Mom's things. I know that is another loss on top of the big one, and you have every reason to be angry, and hurt, and upset.

Alright!

I can't stop thinking about them either.... Grace, we're right here supporting you all!

Irises and..... I have to pick ONE candy??? Um.... MnMs.... any kind or MilkMaids.

She amazes me too!!!! Tell her congrats from all of us!

(((hug))) I just hate that now you have to deal with THIS too.

It never fails. I march out to the mailbox near a holiday like Valentine's Day, or on my birthday, or Carolyn's, or whatever... and I get a greeting card. From Dad, or from Andy's folks, or one of the great-grandparents, or a friend ("Aunt Kasey" for one ). I get very excited, because I love mail, and I love cards, and it makes me feel so special. and I just especially love that Carolyn receives all this love from all these special people. And then I open the cards, and I cry. Every. Single. Time. Today, we got cards from Andy's grandmother in Kansas. She is one of my very favorite people in the world, and in these cards she enclosed a stick of gum for each of us. I can only guess that this is a tradition... I'm trying to recall if it's happened before. So that gets me thinking about my Grandma Wherry and how she never missed sending a card to me--not even for the very minorest of minor holidays, and she always tucked something fun in--a coupon for a candy bar, or stickers, or a bookmark. And that gets me thinking about Mom, and about how I wonder what cards she would have sent Carolyn. The funny thing is--I don't even know that she would have sent cards. I am a terrible card-sender. I am seriously delinquent, or at least several weeks/months late for every single occasion. I freely admit this, and I wonder if I get that from her. But my 'Gramma Cards' were such a special part of my life, that every time I open any card I ache for Mom's cards not being a special part of Carolyn's life. And then I ache about my kids not knowing her. And then I ache about missing her. And Dad's cards are even worse now, because now there is this new name on them where 'Mom' used to be. And you can bet that undos me every time. They're cards--silly everyday little things, but I have yet to receive one and not cry since Mom died. Isn't that bizarre? So that is my Greeting Card confession.

Jenna--You may get better answers to your questions if you start new threads for different topics. It seems like some of your later (and very excellent questions) are getting lost with the ones you asked in your first post. Want to be sure that everyone sees them all. I hate that the VA has given him the runaround.... It makes me livid. I know with Active Duty we have a patient liason that we can call to file complaints with. Is there such a thing for veterans? If so.... DO IT! This is unacceptable. As for the treatments and when the sickness starts, it can happen right away... But, from observation, it seems that the hard-core ickiness often comes and goes, and you really won't know how or when he is going to react to his treatments until that happens. No matter what when you have that baby it WILL be a bright spot for him. I promise. I called my Mom when she was in the infusion room when my daughter was born, and I don't think she came off the ceiling, well.... ever about her new grand-daughter. The important thing is that you will be able to put that little one in his arms. There's no way that couldn't be a lift and a bright spot. I promise.

Awesome!!!! And I'm so glad to see you around here too!

I'm so sorry, Christy. I will pray.

(((((Grace)))))) Wish I could do more than just be words on a screen tonight. Know that I care and I hurt for you.

Grace, I'm just so sorry. Sending so many prayers for peace for Carlton, and all of you.

(((((Connie))))))) Thank you for sharing a little bit of your special sister with us.

Awesome!!!!

I'm so sorry, Jackie.

I think this is a tremendous idea! And... I hope it catches on. We hated the 'either or' finality when Mom signed on the dotted line.