Treebywater

I am so excited to hear this news. Seriously--you just gave me a big 'up.' I hope you are feeling the 'up' too. And I'm so glad you had so much fun in Disney!!!! What was your favorite???

I'm panicked tonight. I keep thinking of when the new baby comes and wondering who in the world is going to be able to come take care of Carolyn while we're at the hospital... with another maybe/probably deployment in the works (and OF COURSE we don't know when), Husband may not even be here... I can't stop thinking about it, and worrying over it, and stubbing my toe and knocking my head on the fact that my Mom isn't here. Because the default answer would have been, "Mom will be there. If it looks like Andy can't be there, Mom will make sure she is." Or at the very least I *know* she would have come out as soon as she could after the birth to see the baby and do the gramma thing and help (which she didn't get to do with Carolyn, btw, because she was too sick)... Stubbing toe over, and over, and over again. I think it may fall off. I keep going through options... People who might work... My aunt? The one who cares so much but flakes out at all the wrong times? My Mother-in-law who... I've come to have a better relationship with in recent months, but who I still just feel very anxious around often? Dad and new lady? Dad would be great but do I want to be hashing through the difficult Dad's new lifelong mate-type feelings when I'm exhausted after squeezing out a baby? Who? These people aren't Mom... and I don't want to feel like I have a 'stand-in Mom there.' I don't want those feelings with a newborn to take care of. I scan through friends here and none seems like a perfect fit for even staying with Carolyn while we have the new baby. They all have jobs, or babies with major health problems, or are moving.... I just don't know what we're going to do. And I want my Mom. And I want to stop feeling so alone. And I want the being without her stuff to stop hurting so very, very much. And I want life to look not so uncertain and scary and hard. I want to look forward to this baby coming instead of wondering if we jumped into having another one because I stupidly thought it would help me 'go forward' or 'embrace life' or something that means--push through the grief stuff faster that I should when really it just makes me stub my toe over and over again on the fact that Mom's. not. here. It's just a dark night. Maybe tomorrow will look better.

((((((Kim))))))) I'm so sorry... I know this must just be so hard. I'm here anytime you need a shoulder.

So wonderful, Cindy!!!! Happy Birthday!

Congratulations, Don!!!!

Dar- Praying for your Mom and for you. I hope the treatments work quickly and things become more stable soon.

Brian, So many prayers for you both. I'm so sorry this is happening again.

Yayyyy!!! I'm so glad it made it in. I hoped all that snotting and bawling I did over the computer screen wouldn't be for naught. heehee.

Kelly--I know the decadron sounds scary... But I some people don't react to awfully with it. My Mom's BEST days were actually on Decadron. Let us know how she does with the new stuff.

Here's the thing... No one can make someone else give up anything. It has to be a choice made by the individual. The smoking after diagnosis/during treatment issue is more complex than it may seem. Your Mom may feel the damage has already been done... so why quit? She may feel the odds aren't in her favor so why not do things she enjoys. Or maybe the addiction just has it's claws in her so deeply that she can't let go. Our job as caregivers is not to coerce or force ANYTHING. Rather, it is to support, unconditionally all the way through the journey. Your Mom has lung cancer. She knows the dangers of smoking. Though it's hard, focus on other aspects of your Mom's journey. I know it's frustrating and doesn't make sense looking at it from out of her shoes, but while you can encourage her to quit and remind her that it is an asset in treatment to be a non-smoker, doing much past that may serve to do no more than push her away. I know before LC was in our lives, when I pushed the issue of smoking with either of my folks it was met usually by anger, pushing back, and almost always more smoking. Also they never ceased to remind me that *I* was the *kid* in the relationship. Just my two cents--take them or leave them.

Beth... The day my Mom signed onto hospice will always and forever be 'the h-word day.' It is it's own anniversary. And, though from a different seat and stand-point... I understand why the H day is so hard. And I too remember those posts... and how hard you and Bill faught... and how devestating that weekend was. I'm sorry you are hurting so much, but so glad you are taking care of you.

It *IS* normal. My Mom would crash--I mean be totally out--for a good two days about 4 days after treatment. Decadron was what perked Mom up... but we didn't 'use' it for that. That would be a great question to ask her Oncologist!

Just more ((((hugs)))) to you. Reading your post, I'm going to make a guess/assumption here, and if I'm all wet, you can just ignore me... but it sounds like you are scared right now because you are angry at your Mom and you also know that time is very short. I think that very likely, anger won't be the only emotion you feel toward your Mom in these days. I imagine you will still feel a LOT Of love. Because she IS your Mom, and nothing, nothing, nothing changes that. WE daughters don't always have great relationships with our Mom's and those of us who do would still probably tell you that they can or could push our buttons faster than anyone. Mother-daughter relationships are messy even in times like this--maybe even especially. So allow yourself to be human... and trust yourself. You DO love her. That's why you are doing your darnedest to get her the best care she can have so that she can be the most comfortable at this time. hang in there. We're all here supporting you.

Nick--I was numb for a long time... Went back home to WA to spend one last month with my husband before he deployed right after my Mom's funeral--the whole time I waited for the dam to break and told people I must not know how to grieve... But... I had to be together for my husband, and for my daughter, and to get through that month and the first days of him being gone. Went through a few months back in IL with Dad, just going through the motions. I started to feel things then, but there was still A LOT of numbness.... I was in survival mode. It took me 7 or 8 or even 9 months for the feelings to really start flooding out, and they're still coming. We all do things differently, and I can say in general from watching the boards--for a lot of people that first month or two is just numbness... Is just doing what you've always done because you don't know what to do otherwise. The dam will break and you will go, "OH! This is what I thought grieving looked like!" at different points... But remember this--this is still part of your grieving... This is still you hurting for your Mom and loving her through grieving. But your brain and your body and your emotions are doing their own thing for a while. We're here for you for the numbness, and here when the dam breaks. It's all part of it, and unfortunately, a lot of us have 'been there.'

I just wish I could give you a big hug... I just ache for the position you are in. Your theory about her wanting to make you guys the bad guys... could very well be. I certainly don't know... but it sounds plausible, especially if she is saying, "Just let me sign the papers." I'm trying to remember has her doctor talked directly to HER about all this and about the need for hospice? I mean... did he say the word 'hospice' to her? I just hate the spot you're in... I can't imagine how crushing it must have been to have someone suggest you get her declared mentally unfit... It sounds like you are running out of options... and that one just must have hurt so much to hear. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I care. I wish there was more I could offer... But I do offer you my shoulder to cry on and lots of care and support for you and prayers for your Mom and your family.

Welcome, Liz! I'm sorry you have need of a place like this, but glad you're with us!

Congratulations!!!!! I'm really sad that Mom won't know about this next baby too... but I have it figured, that she sat down with the little one and had a long conversation, before it was sent down here to give us a line on the PG test.... So I'm sure you're Daddy did the same thing. (((((hugs))))) of congratulations and understanding to you.

I blogged about pink earlier this month. http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2006/10/02/torn-on-pink/ I've wrestled with it a lot since Mom was diagnosed and for now I think I want to use the 'pink-fever' as a challenge to do something about Lung Cancer and so many others that are soooo under-represented. And I think it's time we start our own avalanche of awareness.

Shelly.... I hurt for you and with you. I wish life weren't so cruel. I'm just so sorry. We are here. And we care.

Happy Birthday to your Daddy Eppie. And to you, inspired by more than the video: ((((((((((Eppie))))))))))

I found this when Googling LUNGevity. I thought it was a top-notch awareness article in the Chicago Tribune. http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/ ... isureq-hed

Way to go, Randy!!!

So... I find that with the one year mark passed my grief emotions are changing. I thought it would get easier. In fact, for a while I convinced myself it had. That I was "more normal" that I didn't need to dwell on it. But dwell on it or not, the fact is my Mom isn't here anymore. And it still hurts. And sometimes I think that I am 'getting it' more than ever before. I'm finding this 'second year' feels so strange. I can't get my mind around the fact that my Mom was been gone THAT long. And while I can say that the feelings are definitely different, I'd hesitate to call them easier or better. I guess the intensity is a little less sometimes, but other times it's not. I find myself crying at night missing Mom or stumbling on one more way that this hurts and looking helplessly at Andy and saying, "Why am I doing this now???" I now know without a doubt that 'getting over it' doesn't happen... and that whatever leveler level of things that can be expected (or maybe is just coveted) can take A LOT of time. Anyway... Just my thoughts--Does anybody else have any thoughts on the time after that first year of missing your loved one? Edited to Add: I think today's melancholy was triggered by finding out that the first couch I remember in Mom and Dad's house got sold at a garage sale... See--how pathetic is that???? Well... and also by Dad's new friend answering the phone at his house for the first time.... That was... hard.

There is a thread in 'General' called "How to Tell About Hospice" that you might find helpful. You might scan through the pages til you find it. If you can't, PM me, and I'll send you the posts I thought might give some insight or help.

I'm so very sorry.