Patkid

Jan 1, 2006 He was in pain He was agitated He was still fighting His Tarceva rash was clearing up I laid next to him in the hospital bed I had moved into our bedroom only 2 days before. Brian had finally agreed to stop tx. It was doing more harm than good and we were looking forward to spending weeks on the 'bridge' between here and there and dangling our feet in memories and goodbyes. (This bridge concept was shared w/ us by Beth and Bill and gave Brian much much comfort~as did the Rainbow Bridge shared by DeanCarl) I matched his breathing. It hurt to do so I rubbed his feet I stroked his face I held him close whispered all things to him The hospice RN came and was surprised at his progression. She gave him Ativan under his tongue, rectal pain meds and an injection. I laid with him and his breathing became easier to match. He made soft moaning noises that I came to think of as comforting himself. I moaned a bit with him softly. I put on his CD of Brennan Manning talking of God's unwavering love. The RN wanted to bathe him. I said I would. The activity seemed to agitate him so I stopped. Soon he would be Heavenly clean. I gave him more Ativan under his tongue and he seemed to relax a bit. Pastor was called and came to pray w/ us His daughters came and stood scared to death near his bed........unbelieving. My sister came to be w/ me More pain meds as he became agitated again. He was hot. I took off the blankets that I needed so badly and covered us w/ the top sheet from our lovely wedding linens (We got married in our home and spent our honeymoon here) His breathing became impossible to match. It really wasn't breathing per se anymore. At 5:40 PM Brian went to the Heavenly Mansion prepared by Our Father. He was reunited w/ his dad, his pets and all the Heavenly beings. They took him from the home we made covered with a quilt made by family for our wedding It was snowing and cold Two years have not eased my missing him Two years have not eased the pain of knowing we did not get 'goodbye time' Our time was spent in battle as he wished. I don't remember much about the services; but Brian was so cold during tx that I could not bring myself to inter his ashes till summer. Brian is now whole, healthy and understands all there is to understand. He has met my Tom who died in 1993 and has told him how he gave me roses on each anniversary of his death. He has told him that he always said that if it weren't for the way Tom loved me I could never have loved him. Brian was kind, tolerant, loving, giving, loyal, trustworthy, honest and determined. I miss him like fire. Two years have not eased the lonliness, longing and resentment. I love and will always love and miss my Superman. Brian, I honor you and love you and thank you for loving me so well. P

I am going to see it because Jack McFarland (don't know his real name) from Will and Grace is in it and he CRACKS ME UP. I plan to take an open mind and an open heart. I think it will be a hard movie for me to watch but feel I need to do so.

Grateful for fresh new slate to write on. Onward. P

Continued good vibes for 2008. Your post is a gift today. Hugs P

Make ya a deal: I'll root for them if you give a rah rah for IL during a time out.

(((((((((((())))))))))))))) Ow. I am just so sorry and I care. P

Grateful for neighbors, again. More snow and when I went out to drag the garbage cans to the curb found my neighbor clearing driveway and sidewalks. He also took garbage out and took PJ for a walk. I have been feeling ill past couple of days and he told me to go inside and get warm. Thank you, Lord, that when we are most down you send an angel to lift us up. Thank you, Lord, for all my friends here. Thank you, Lord, for holding us near even when we can't 'feel' your arms. P

I have suffered the unintentional cruelty of idiots as well. It is just going to happen. No matter our grief~people are still people~ with all their faults and all their glory all intermixed. (Try not to perceive this as the one~up~manship mentioned but had to share): I have been widowed 2X Tom died in 1993. I was 45 and he was 46. AT THE FUNERAL AT THE FREAKING FUNERAL A 'friend' whispered in my ear as she passed Tom's casket and hugged me: 'don't worry, dear, you are young, you will find someone else' I wanted to join Tom in his dark and quiet place and never have to interact w/ friends again. He would have rolled and rolled w/ laughter, tears streaming down his face as he laughed. He was so tolerant and loving. That is how I survived. But i did not even want to survive.

Grateful for wonderful neighbors who moved snow for me. We got 7.5 inches and I had lots of help. God bless them. Pat

You are one great kid!

Oh, honey, hugs and hugs and hugs. I am so sorry. Love P

I have become a loner. I resist any attempts to include me. I am not sure why. My sister and her husband are so kind to me and wish to include me in EVERYTHING, as do a couple of Brian's and my neighbors. I HATE BEING A FIFTH WHEEL. HATE IT So I mostly decline until it becomes rude, then I accept an invitation and wish I hadn't. I enjoy spending time w/ my neices. They are young, well educated and so far unattached. However that is probably not healthy for any of us. I work from home and have gained weight and so feel less and less connected. I begin friendships then back away. Mostly I stay home, wish I had sold it before the market crashed and painfully care for it as Brian would have wanted me to. He made it his mission to pay this house off before he died and even though there is no mortgage I can not afford to live here. I just felt disloyal selling it. Most of Brian's and my couple friends were from our church. I have been attending less and less. I hate the pity I feel and how I 'think' I am seen there. Not as a vibrant member but as someone who everyone is so 'careful' around. I am close w/ my sons. They all have long time marriages and though we have much love among us it is different. I am less comfortable around them than I am around the grandchildren who delight me. I know many of our couple friends backed away as Brian's illness progressed. I think it gets boring after the initial "DID YOU HEAR" phase and also is a 'bummer' to many. Very few continued to invite or visit us. Brian was sick w/ chemo most of the time so he didn't really notice or care..........I did. Anyway, I am sure no one would perceive me to be a threat in anyway, I think I am just a burden, responsibilty and grudging obligation. Thank God for folks here, where I feel welcomed and loved. that is why my commune idea appeals so strongly to me.....................kindred souls supporting each other................... Thanks for the topic, Ry. Love and hugs for all of us. Pat

I am so sorry, Barb! I care and I understand. It is just so very wrong. Brian died New Year's Day 2006. How did nearly 2 years pass without him? I can not remember what I did last year ~ honestly. I am so sorry, I am just so sorry and so so sad. Pat ((((((All of us missing part of us))))))

Grateful to be able to post here and find positive energy. Much needed. Hugs, Jackie and all.

So glad to see you, Jackie. I was about to hijack a bus for Canada. I am grateful Jackie posted and for her faithful prayers. Love P

Oh, me, too, me, too. Jackie, I miss you. Hugs P

Me, too, Val. More hugs. P

ARGHHH People!

Grateful that reformatting my hard drive allowed me to get back on line w/out spending $$ for a computer. Hugs HI, JC! P

Please accept my sympathy for your family. I am so sorry. pat

My Brian will bring treats for all the pets that are all invited to the party. Tobee, Pogo, and all of them even his childhood dogs and cats. He counted on me for bringing food so am very glad our other loved ones will have that covered If he brings any human food it will be PRIME RIB to prepare on that heavenly grille. He will love this get toether and will be one of the last to leave. Oh what fun and love they will share. P

My Brian will bring treats for all the pets that are all invited to the party. Tobee, Pogo, and all of them even his childhood dogs and cats. He counted on me for bringing food so am very glad our other loved ones will have that covered If he brings any human food it will be PRIME RIB to prepare on that heavenly grille. He will love this get toether and will be one of the last to leave. Oh what fun and love they will share. P

Grateful I could log on for a bit. Computer crashing. Please let othes know I will post and read as able till this is fixed or replaced. P

Fervent prayer and all support continue Love P

Hi, Bunster, I just care. I have no answers but I kno you will search out the best info for Suki. Love Love and hugs Pat