Barbb

Carole You are doing so great, I love your happy attitude! My brother-in-law and wife took a cruise to Alaska, loved it so much they took their kids and grands 3 yrs. later. I think they went on Holland America, smaller ship, great service, fabulous time! Please share your trip with us, we will vacation vicariously through you and your family] Love Barb

Deb, I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. Rod had that terrible bone pain also. It is so horrible to see, but our men are painfree for eternity now. My heart to yours. Barb

Christine, You have been through an awful lot, I don't know what the controversies were/are but I always thought you were very kind. I wish you much peace as you travel this road, it is very very hard. Barbb

Lilly, What a beautiful writing. Everyone should be allowed a love like yours. You are one of the people here who really helps me feel hope for a decent life. Thank you for all you share. Barbb

{{Gail}} I am so sorry to hear your sad news. This place sure helped me and we will still be here for you. It is good to unload here now and then. We all understand. Please take care of yourself now. Barbb

Debbie, my heart aches for you. when you look back on that moment, his gentle passing will be such a comfort. I am so sorry this happened. Barb

Christine, Please accept my heartfelt sympathy for your family's loss. Barb

Rod always told me he knew I could take care of myself, from years ago up through his illness. I didn't think I could in those first six months, but yes, honey, I can! Barb

{{{{{Nova}}}}} My heart goes out to you and your family, I'm just so sad for you. Barbb

Connie, It seems I have been grieving forever, it had to have started before he was even diagnosed because I remember the fear, wondering why he was getting thin, hurting, not eating normally. I think my expectations are not all on how I should be feeling but on also how I should be doing my job. I beat myself up so bad at work, trying to be as good as Renee when my brain just doesn't work like hers. I realized this weekend as I worked outside that I know alot of things she may never know about caring for my acreage, that is important knowledge to have. The grief group was "supposed" to tie up the loose ends when I don't even know where they are. It has not been a good experience, in fact I skipped last week and may skip tomorrow, which is the last one. You are right about being with fun people. There needs to be a balance. It is FUN to laugh and goof off and happens sometimes. I'm going to cut out the 2nd therapist, too. I quit biting my lip and it doesn't hurt now so I think he served his purpose. Connie, thank you for telling me these things I didn't even realize. You are so wise. With much affection to all of you, Barb

Missy, You have had way too much sorrow, I'm glad you vented it really helps me to come here and let it all out when I can't stand anymore. In addition to the egg throwing which I'm going to try, I love the sound of breaking glass. Especially Rod's ashtrays, that felt/sounded good. I found another one, a huge one, that is next. I do put them in a plastic bag to save on the mess and the doggies feet. Beating the doll sounds kind of cathartic also. Keep venting, it helps some. Barb

Kelly, I believe your mom really was contacting you. I don't think we can let them in when we are conscious. It is good she let you know it wasn't your fault. You were doing what you needed to do to keep her comfortable, I am sure she is thankful for that. A couple nights ago Rod came to me in a dream. We were sitting on the couch and he said it was time to put the urn away. It had been sitting on the hearth (and with my mess, I hardly noticed it most of the time. It is really neat, made by an employee of his out of steel). He said we should have just wrapped him up and shoved him out the back door!!!! Lacy said that sounded so like Dad He loved our acreage, loved being outside. It amuses me to think of the dream. Hoping for sweeter days for all of us. Barb

Today has been a great day except, today the mom of my friend at work died....of lung cancer with mets to bones, 2 months after diagnosis. My friend just had her first baby 3 weeks ago, first grandchild. My heart hurts for her. They had taken the baby to see her parents several times which is so great, no regrets for her there. I decided to enjoy my day anyway. The grief group isn't much help to me either. There is a guy in there who talks off subject. Then we have to get out fast or he keeps the last person talking for another half hour. He's just a darling old guy but I got home at 9:40 p.m. one night. The next week the facilitator kept him busy til we left, I had called her earlier to request her help!! Nick, my therapist told me that the wine is a depressant so not what I needed. I just need my mind to close down. Would warm chocolate milk work? Warm plain sounds kind of icky. I feel groggy in the a.m. with the lunesta, but after working so hard yesterday & staying up late, I slept wonderfully..was outside at 7:45 today mowing and spreading weed and feed. Used two bags, maybe overdid it?? The dandelions are everywhere. Also learned it mows better if the blades are turned on Glad the neighbors are to far away to see the goofy things I do over here Lilly, the deep breathing is a good idea, I try to do the deep breaths but blowing out my lips sounds like a better idea. I had heard of that before but had forgotten. Will try tonight when I go to bed..thank you Blessings everyone. Barb

THANK YOU all SO much. I will make this my Rod Garden. It will be the best and most beautiful of all the years I've worked it. Yes every month is hard, I get scared and then the stuff happens. I did change the oil in the garden tractor all by myself!!! At the time, I sat on the drive and cried because none of the wrenches fit, then I realized I needed the metric ones and found it #10 I'll never forget that. Other kindnesses, the neighbor "flattened" my drive which looked like a wagon train trail and wouldn't take payment. And he purchased Rod's two tractors for a fair price. Another guy showed up when he said he would and is building me some nice stairs from the front porch to the back yard. There are wonderful people out there. About the woman. Good idea Katie, I will threaten her with calling the police which I will actually do. She has been in trouble with them in the past so that should do the trick. Katie, also thanks for removing my kids picture. Just like to be safe.. Again, thank you for your support and kindness. It is so great to come to a safe place where you know you have good friends. Barb

Monday will be 6 months. My therapist said for an unknown reason the 6 month point is so hard for people. It seems like an evil number now. Anyway, I am seeing a hypnotherapist now because I have been biting my lip, didn't know it for months, and it hurts all the time. I finally realized it when I saw teeth marks. He is helping me with relaxation and suggestions. I do it less, now I suck on it. Good God I am so weird. I will be the only one at the front desk for 3 monts starting in Sept. I am trying so hard to learn the rest of the job. I just can't remember things. It makes me so crazy I have been taking Xanax...at work. Also trouble sleeping, tried wine, so now I drink and do drugs ':?'I actually hate wine, will give it to the person who suggested it would work. Anyway, now I have hyper-ventilation syndrome. It comes and goes. Today I've been great, didn't have to go anywhere but chose to go to the dairyfarm and buy a truck load of compost, spread half of it on my gardens. It was good, hard work. A woman, 15 yrs. my junior, who was a temp. assistant in a dental office I worked in 4 1/2 yrs. ago found me by the staff picture in the yellow pages. She came in to my current office twice. I met with her at a taco joint to talk. She is crazier/more sinful than anyone I have ever met, just at the bottom of the barrel in life. Even her family will have nothing to do with her. She calls me at work, Renee tells her I'm busy. She keeps calling. Then she texted me and asked for money. I called her, said no, quit calling me. She thinks we are friends. I blocked her from texting but don't know if she will back off. Is anyone on here in the legal or police profession? What else can I do to get her to leave me alone? Barbb ps. I removed the picture of Rod and me, but could someone tell me how to remove the picture of my kids.

Teresa, I am sure praying for your dad to have a successful surgery and a complete recovery. There is so much good advice and encouragement from people who have been through this. Please know your family is in my thoughts and prayers. Barb

{{{{Missy and Katie}}}} I feel so bad for both of you. Why would families not pull together after such a terrible loss. You are in my prayers, to find peace and put good friends in your lives. Barb

{{{{Christine}}}} I am so sorry. Barb

You all write what I feel I just don't care about much anymore, hate the pink ribbons, too. Nick, you really said it about loving God and being mad at him. I rage to him about taking my husband. I rage to Rod about leaving me. I kept asking him not to leave me and he would say, "I'll try my best not to". I feel so awful about putting that burden on him. Life sure sucks right now. Barb

Every day I feel guilty for the times I got so frustrated with Rod. He couldn't help himself. I tried to be pleasant but in my head I sometimes wasn't and it about kills me, in fact most of the time I wish it would. I am so sick of being angry and hurting. How do you forgive yourself or be kind to yourself when you feel like you have been a horrible wife/husband? Barb

I am having another of my frequent anxiety attacks. I have to confess to you something I said, and it hurts alot. I believe it was the week before we called in hospice, but knew how desperate our situation was, I was talking to my brother (who lives in another state) on the phone. He and Rod were close but I think I have said before, Rod didn't talk about his feelings about his LC. My brother asked me if Rod was scared, since he was there in the kitchen, I asked him. He said no. That would be the end of it but I feel like I tasked him rather cavalierly. I don't want him to have thought I was just making a small thing of that question. I was also afraid to talk about our feelings, like if I did then he would, and I couldn't handle it if Rod was as scared as I was. I hope someone knows what I am talking about. Barb

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I'm loving good news, javascript:emoticon(':D')SO happy to hear from you!!! Barb

Many prayers for your friends. Barb

Everything you all said, I feel too. After my week away I kept thinking of things to tell Rod. It was so painful that I don't plan to go away again for a long time. Julia, it is getting better, easier to go on with life, almost 5 months now that I've been alone. It took until about the beginning of March till I didn't feel the debilitating pain everyday. I still have Rod's clothes in the closet, the things out of the dresser are in there in a clothes basket, with the door tightly shut. My scariest thing right now is taking care of the acreage. Then I think, I just have to do one thing at a time, and I already had the responsibility last year. It's just that he was here last year to ask questions. Barb