stand4hope

Patients fear death. Caregivers fear life. I tried to read this thread last night, but I was too sleepy. All of your thoughts were way too deep and too special to try to absorb with bloodshot eyes and a mind that just wouldn’t work. I printed it out for this morning’s “bathroom” reading. LOL. It was 28 pages, so I was in the bathroom for a while. I stapled it, filed it, and plan to keep it for a very, very long time – probably forever. Hopefully, some day way into the future, some of our heirs will read it and learn from all of you. I gained a much better understanding of what my husband feels after a wonderful, wonderful PM I got from Dean a while back. Since my husband acted angry and just wouldn’t talk, I wrote to Dean asking for help – and he did help me a lot. And now all of you have shed even more light into some things that are going on in his head. He fears death, and I fear living my life without him. When God said that the man and wife become one flesh, he knew what he was talking about. Our lives are so intertwined that the thought of life without him is more than I can bear. I don’t like the reference to the “other half” because he isn’t half. It creates a visualization of two separate people and then one day the other half is gone. It isn’t like that at all. We’re a whole thing – we’re one – there is no half. The death of one creates a different kind of death in the other. I always thought that this whole thing would be reversed. I’m the sickly one with the pile of prescriptions, and he has always been the one to be the caregiver. In the past 36 years, he has missed less than five days of work for being sick. When I went to fill his first prescription (Decadron), he wasn't even in the computer. He’s always been there to help me recover from my various surgeries. He knows that the first thing I will want when I wake up is a cup of black coffee, and when I open my eyes, he’s there waiting with the coffee in hand. He’s picked me up from work and carried me out when my back has gone out. He’s always there for me and always has been. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. My picture of him is a man of strength and self-discipline. This disease has brought him fear and weakness and adjusting to this change is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. My husband can also be a real *ss, and he would be the first one to admit that to you. He’s outspoken and direct and missed the class on compassion in school, and, other than anger, I don’t think he knows what the word emotion means. I’m just the opposite – an emotional basket case at times. I’m also the one that takes care of everything – bill paying, doctor appointments, family birthdays, taxes, etc. He has handed his pay check to me now for 36 years. But he is the real strength because I really am quite weak. When I get emotionally out-of-balance, his sternness (is that a word?) brings me back to clear thinking. I won’t even try to figure out how two people with opposite personalities can mesh the way we do – we just do. I guess I wrote all this to try to explain my first two sentences. I know my husband is afraid of death and probably even more afraid of becoming physically weak. I, on the other hand, am afraid of what my life would be like without him. Thank you for the post, Elaine. Love, Peggy

Hi Pat and WELCOME!! I'm glad you found this group because we are here for you to talk about your worries. It sounds like your scans will more than likely be good news - you've got a great track record there. Be sure to let us know. God bless you, Peggy

"FULL DISCLOSURE - GOOD OR BAD" This phrase was coined by another member of this board. I won't mention his name, but his initials are dave s (I know, I know - I stole that from DavidA, but I thought it was HILARIOUS!) Dave scolded me in a PM for holding back about my husband, so we agreed that we would both just put it out there from now on. Dave said our board's new motto should be "Full Disclosure - Good or Bad". I thought it was great, but I think he was too chicken to post it. He said "You're in charge - go for it". Cough-cough - in charge? So, Dave MADE me post this. DAVE: Thank you for the motto! Anyway, after our dreaded appointments tomorrow, I promise I will give "Full Disclosure - Good or Bad", but it will probably be late at night or Sat. morning. Right now, I'm going to bed. I got home very late tonight and don't have any more energy to post to everyone that I want to, but I promise I will catch up by the weekend. Love to all, Peggy

Hi Laurie. I would like to pray for you and your mom also. I'm sure these symptoms are very scary to you both. Stay positive and expect the best - it helps! God bless you, Peggy

Hi Don and WELCOME. I just loved how informative your post was. I can also tell right off that you are going to fit right in with this group with your good sense of humor and great attitude: And also, I am impresed: HEY KAREN - DID YOU SEE THIS? (Karen is having computer problems. ) Don, I am sorry that you had to come here because of your mother's diagnosis. I am also sorry that you didn't get much help from the pulmonary doctor. I don't quite understand how he could know that the cancer hasn't spread outside the lung. That sounds pretty strange to me. Since pieces of the tumor break off and travel through the blood and settle in other parts of the body, I wonder how he could say such a thing. It could be something I don't know about because I don't know much that's for sure, but I don't think I've ever heard anyone make that determination from a chest x-ray and chest ct. Hmmmm - weird I think. I'm very, very encouraged to hear that your mom is feeling so much better now - no breathing difficulties, no pain, etc., and I assume the fever is gone. I bet you will get a lot more information from the Cancer Center. We will be praying for you and your mom, Don. What is your mom's name? God bless you, Peggy

Oh, Angela. I am so, so sorry for this great loss. I also see that this all happened so very fast and your stepdad was just diagnosed in April. My, my, my. What a shock all of this has been for you. Your post about your stepdad is just beautiful - so sweet, gentle and loving. I can tell that you loved him very much and that your mother is also very dear to you. I'm so glad you were with her at this time of sadness. Please accept my most sincere condolences, and I pray that God will give you, your mom and your entire family His peace. God bless you, Peggy

Shelly, I'm glad he's getting a PET scan on Tuesday. Before my husband had his first PET, I found a website that the headline said "Cancer can't hide from a PET Scan". I just tried to find it now and couldn't find it, but when I do, I'll send it to you. So, if there's cancer causing these problems, hopefully they will know where to look. GIVE ME A BREAK!!! I heard these same type excuses about 10 years ago in another family situation we were dealing with. Well, don't get me started on this one. I've seen a lot of things on the website that I didn't like, but this one gets the prize for cruelty. Shelly, I hope I didn't offend you with my comment on your other post about how to visualize your uncle, but you've got to think of some way to not let him intimidate you. As far as both he and your dad's sister, if they don't want to take care of him, then as hard as it will be on you, it's better that you do it. I wouldn't want ANYBODY taking care of my dad that didn't want to. I shudder to think of what might happen. GOD LOVE YOU, SHELLY - You are a real trooper. Don't forget to post next month on the day you schedule that breakdown, so we can talk you out of it again. We love you, Shelly, and I know the love and caring is coming through loud and clear. Peggy

Thank you for posting. I will be praying for Mo. Please, please keep us posted how she is doing. MO: We love you. God bless you, Peggy

Hi Bob and welcome back, I was new on the board about the time that you went off for a while. I remember your picture and reading your posts. I also know that from the posts from others wondering how you were that you are a pretty popular guy on here. I'm glad you're back and looking forward to reading all the good things you have to say. Katie: I was wondering - if I promise to stay off the board for a while, will you send me a TEXAS steak? Bob: Once again, welcome back! God bless you, Peggy

Ok, Andrea, now you broke the mood of your post. I really, really like the idea of losing calories with crying. I actually even have the sobbing thing down pat, and I bet that uses even more calories than straight-line crying. It's a lot easier to cry than exercise or eat less. If this works, I'm going to stop "choking back the tears".

Andrea, I have ALWAYS hated roller coasters, and I hate this one that we are all on also. The tears come as a result of bottled up fears, tensions, day-to-day worries, responsibilities, etc. I've decided they are just going to come and the thing that can set them off isn't necessarily the big thing that just happened. Cry when you need to - it hurts like the dickens when you're doing it, but the next day, everything seems so much clearer, brighter, hopeful and less stressful. Don't know why that is. I guess if I did, I'd have some capital letters behind my name and I'd be making a whole lot more money than I am right now. Hang in there, Kiddo. God bless you, Peggy

I was going to add this to Fay's wonderful post today about shoulder pain, but I decided it applies to all bone pain caused by mets, so I've started a new thread. My husband has learned he now has cancer in his shoulder. We met with the radiation oncologist today and he showed us the films where there is a hole in the bone where the cancer has eaten clear through the bone. He said the radiation would hopefully take away the excruciating pain after 8-10 treatments, but sometimes it takes longer - sometimes up to 6 weeks. I asked him how the radiation was going to help the pain with that hole in the bone. This is the way it works: The bone is trying to heal itself, but the cancer is so aggressive that the bone doesn't have a chance. With the radiation, they kill the cancer and with the cancer out of the way, the bone immediately begins to mend. I know many of you probably already knew this, but I didn't and thought it was quite enlightening. God bless you all, Peggy

Shelly, First of all, I know it hurts really, really bad when others treat you badly. I know I've been there and I'm sure every single person above this post has been there also. It doesn't matter whether the person doing the hurting is right or wrong, or if they are good or bad - it still hurts the same! Actually, I'll take that back - it hurts WORSE when the person is wrong. When they're right, it's easier for me to swallow my pride and apologize. It's when they're wrong and nothing you do or say will change their mind that it's tough - real tough! You want so badly to prove them wrong, but any attempts are useless. It's easy for all of us to advise you to forget them and their hurtful comments, but it's a lot easier said than done. Now, about your dad. The only words I can say are that I am so, so sorry he is having this hard time and I know how much it hurts you to see him like that. My grandfather was delirious and mean in the hospital when I was only about 22 years old. They had to restrain him and even at that age, I didn't understand and was incredibly, incredibly upset. Please follow everyone's advice and get some rest, but more importantly, lean on your husband and expect him to help get you through this. If he is awkward with it and doesn't know what to do, then call all these wonderful people whose phone numbers you have and someone will get you where you need to be. Hang in there, honey. I am praying for you. When you close your eyes tonight, say this over and over: God loves me! But everytime you say it, put the emphasis on a different word, like this: GOD loves me! God LOVES me! God loves ME! That's what I do. I love you, Shelly, Peggy

I also am sorry to hear of your bad news. I think this is bad news week. Hopefully, next week will be better for everyone. As my dad always says, "Think positive, baby!" Prayers for you, Kim. Love Peggy

Hi Francine, I, too, am sorry you got this news and have to start treatment again. My husband got the same type of smack-in-the-face today (I posted under test time). Like you, he is disappointed about the summer. In fact, he had a motorcyle trip to the Smokies planned for week of June 7, but it doesn't look like that will happen now. Maybe later in the summer he can go, or early fall when it's not so hot. Hang in there, Francine. I can tell you are a fighter and I hope you get the hearing cleared up real soon. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW????? Love and prayers, Peggy

Congratulations on five years, Fay! That is OUSTANDING!!!! Five years of fighting this disease and you still have the energy to remodel your home. You must really be Wonder Woman in disguise. I think you should change your Avatar to a female Gladiator. Much love, Peggy

Hi twodog and WELCOME! You sure have come to the right place to find loving, caring people. The wonderful people here have more answers than the doctors do. And they absolutely have a much better sense of humor. Stick with us - you'll be glad you did. God bless you, Peggy

Nancy, You are probably already in bed getting ready for tomorrow, but it won't matter whether you know I'm praying - God knows, and He will be listening. Love, Peggy

David, Adding my prayers to everyone else. God bless you, Peggy

Cat, Please get some rest tonight. Sometimes I think our bodies just go into shutdown mode when they are stressed beyond their ability to cope. This might be what happened to you. You have faced a tremendous amount of stress this past week. We had a traumatic situation with our son when he was about 14. I drove 10 city blocks north after work one night and suddenly didn't know where I was and didn't remember driving there - that was very, very scary. My mind was just in a cloud. Hang in there, kiddo, and get some rest tonight. Love, Peggy

Thank you, Jane. Those are wonderful things to do and remember. I'm praying that your brother and family are doing ok. Love, Peggy

Mo, I'm back. By the way, you complain all you want - you have definitely earned it, and besides it isn't complaining - it's sharing with those that care about you what you're going through. I thought of something that they did for my husband when he was knocked flat on his back after taxotere/carbo and radiation at the same time. The onc put him on a low dose of decadron (I think it was 2 mg. a day) to "kick start" him. I think he took it for about 2 weeks and weaned off in the 3rd week. The best part is that it worked. He could hardly step up the step from the garage to the family room, but in less than a week, he was feeling much better. Hope this helps! God bless you, Peggy

John, Thank you for all the wonderful research that you do for everyone. I know it takes a lot of time and it is really appreciated. God bless you, Peggy

((((((((((bean_si))))))))))) You're welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Get some sleep tonight - STAY OFF THE INTERNET LOOKING FOR THINGS - AND THAT'S AN ORDER - and get up tomorrow morning with a fresh new face, clear mind with a mindset to make some calls and get some answers. I feel helpless not being able to steer you where you should go, but others have given lots of ideas and things to talk to your oncologist about. So you rest tonight and tomorrow you go GET'UM!!! Much love, Peggy

Mo, I don't have answers for you, but I would like to know if you have someone looking after you, helping you, checking on you, etc. I don't recall you saying if you had any kind of help. When do you go back to the doctor? Hang in there and I will keep praying. God bless you, Peggy