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My cranky husband


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Hi everyone,

I am so fed up, I've had it. My husband wakes me up at any hour of the day or night to get him whatever he needs. I know this sounds selfish of me, but he is so nasty to me almost all of the time I feel like I am breaking. I don't know if it is the cancer or if it is just him (he wasn't that nice before his dx). I told him the other day that I wished I had never met him. We met on the internet, he is 27 years older than me, and he knows how to take advantage of that. He is ungrateful and unappreciative. He is cranky all of the time. If I make him something for dinner, no matter what it is it is wrong or it is not what he asked for. I am just sooo fed up. I am doing everything I can to help him and lately I have asked myself 'why?'. I deserve soo much better than him. We have lived together for about two and a half years and we just got married on 6/11. 6/10 he was diagnosed and he needed the health insurance......period. If he hadn't gotten sick we would not have gotten married. He is completely self absorbed and selfish. It (whatever) has always been about him. Our relationship is all about him. Before he got sick it was all about him. I am sick of jumping through hoops for this man. Right now, if he got better or went into remission I honestly think I would divorce him. I am beginning to hate him. Even though he is sick and will most likely die, I feel like I am the one dying.....wasting my life waiting hand and foot on this ungrateful man. It sure feels good to write this even though it won't change anything. We have our good times too, I am just very tired and he is being especially nasty tonight. Tomorrow, I very well may be singing a different tune. I hope my post has not changed anyone's opinion of me. I just really needed to vent.

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I just read my post....it sounds awful. I love my husband. I just haven't had a good nights sleep in almost two months and we are both so stessed with his illness. I am also a corporate accountant and this is the busiest day of the quarter close which I am managing from our coffee table.....I am burnt. Goodnight all

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Christina--vent away!! You sound like your not getting enough sleep, not to mention not being appreciated. I know what you mean about tomorrow being another day and you may feel differently. I'm about ready to take a frying pan to the side of Tim's head, so I can relate.

Annie

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Whoa !!!

Christina! That's the best one I've seen on this message board yet!!

10 out of 10! -- Two thumbs up! -- Bullseye! -- Right on!!!

You mean to say you married this guy so he could get in on your medical, and he treats you like crap? Cancer or no cancer, I think you need to have that very overdue, "so you REALLY want to go it alone?" chat with hubby as soon as possible. And there's only one direction a chat like that should go - if it doesn't... BYE BYE. (just my opinion) Take care of yourself,

David P.

Hey Tim! Watch out buddy -- keep your eyes peeled for that incoming frying pan!

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Christina,

I agree with David. I am sure your husband is devasted, scared to death, but that is absolutely no reason to treat you like crap.

Tell him quickly that you love him like crazy but his treatment of you is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE. Granted, with this disease and the fear, he may lash out occasionally but not constantly. Stick to your guns, don't let him run over you because he is older.

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Where would your husband be without you? ALONE.

Perhaps you need to remind him of this right away.

Hang in there. Prayers being said for you both.

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Christina,

My situation is the opposite of yours in that I'm the one with lung cancer, but I have "caregiver credentials" because my Mother and her siblings had lung cancer.

I know you love him, and that you are totally burnt out at this point. So we're talking about self preservation here. YOURS. If you don' take care of you then you won't be able to deal effectively with him and the illness. (I know it's difficult to separate the two-him and the illness.)

I'm not saying it will be convenient, or easy, or anything like those things, but find a friend of his to stay with him for a few days while you check into a motel and do nothing but sleep and rest.

Once you've rested it will be easier for you to accept that YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH ANYTHING BUT RESPECT!

Take the weekend for yourself. He'll learn just what a wonderful caregiver you are, and you'll get some much needed rest. Then talk with him about the marriage and his being alone. He needs to know what that could REALLY be like before you use it for "behavior modification".

Wishing you both the best,

Fay A.

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Christina, it is hard to know where to start on this one. First, cancer does crazy things to the patient and to the caregiver, even under the best of circumstances. My wife is demanding on me because she feels safe with me, but she's a lot nicer about it than your husband. Yep, you married for the wrong reason, and, in a way, he may resent that fact, and that adds to the lashing out. I agree that you should set him straight that he has to treat you decently, cancer or no cancer, or he is on his own. I have said before that we teach people how to treat us, and if we allow crap from someone, crap is what we get. As has been stated above, you must take care of yourself metnally, physically, emotionally, or you will be no good to take care of him or anyone else. My prayers are with you. Don

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CHRISTINA,

I READ YOUR POST, TOOK A DEEP BREATH, DECIDED I HAD TO GET AWAY FROM IT, SO I WENT OUT TO THE KITCHEN AND PUT DINNER IN THE OVEN. AM BACK NOW AND STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY EXCEPT "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING GIRL WHEN YOU SAID I DO". IN AN EARLIER POST I THINK YOU SAID SOMETHING ABOUT STOPPING WORK. OH PLEASE, DON'T DO THAT. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE WORKING FROM HOME. IS IT POSSIBLE TO GO INTO THE OFFICE A DAY OR TWO? THAT WOULD GET YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE. THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE WHO'S SPOUSES ARE ILL BUT THEY MUST GO INTO WORK TO KEEP THE MONEY AND INSURANCE FLOWING. THEIR SPOUSES GET BY EACH DAY WITHOUT THEM. I DON'T KNOW HOW DOWN YOURS IS AT THIS TIME, IT IS JUST A THOUGHT.

YOU ARE SO YOUNG TO HAVE TO BE A CAREGIVER BUT YOU CHOSE THAT A FEW WEEKS AGO SO NOW YOU WILL HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO THAT AND HOW TO ALSO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AT THE SAME TIME. NO MATTER HOW SICK A PERSON IS, THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO TREAT A CAREGIVER WITH ANYTHING BUT RESPECT AND LOVE.....DON'T FORGET THAT......IT'S YOUR BALL GAME. YOU CALL THE SHOTS........

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DavidP-I love you!!! Your posts get RIGHT TO THE POINT! I feel the same way, cancer does NOT give a person carte blance to treat people like crap! I used to work with people with developmental disablities-and there were people that I got along with and liked, and people that I didn't like-the point is-just because they were mentally retarded didn't mean that they didn't have personalities-and it didn't mean that I had to like them. I was respectful, YES, but I didn't let the mean people get away with being mean.

now, Christina-Might I be so bold as to ask you what you were punishing youself for when you married him? You said that "he wasn't that nice BEFORE his Dx, and he has gotten worse"? I just wonder why you wouldn't think that you deserved better before? The point is, you realize it now, and you don't have to settle just because he is sick-he was mean before, and has gotten worse. Its not as if you signed on to this wonderful guy, he got sick and you want out- it is different. I believe that you can do what you need to do for you and still 'give him a hand'= you CAN leave him-and he'd STILL be covered under your insurance policy...so you both get what you really need. Or, if that is too harsh, maybe some marriage counseling is in order. If you love the guy, that is. Maybe a non-partial person would help out. So, you can extend the olive branch and seek counseling, or you can extend you arm-hand him his insurance card-wave goodbye and leave the situation. Or you could just keep things the same. Its up to you. But the cancer could just be making a not so good situation, worse. Any way that you cut it, there is NO easy answer. Take care, and keep us posted Deb

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Dear Christina,

I agree with what has been said on the board. You deserve to be treated well by your husband eventhough he is sick. I don't want to dwell on the marriage, but I do want to help you problem solve some of the situations you are finding yourself in.

You are the breadwinner and you need your sleep. He wakes you up at all hours to get him what he needs. Can you sleep in another room or possibly on the couch so that you can get a full night's sleep? Can you provide a way for him to empty his bladder in bed (bedpan) so that he won't need your assistance? Can you anticipate his needs and set up an area on a night stand near his side of the bed that would include medications, water, cough drops, chap stick, reading material etc. That way, he can help himself to what he needs. Plug in the heating pad before you go to sleep so all he needs to do is turn it on.ETC.

Can you preplan meals or give him a choice (like in the hospital) so that he will stop complaining about the food? Ask him what his favorite foods are and make his meals from that list.

You need to think of ways to maintain your sanity which means being able to take a break from all of this now and then. Do you have friends or family that will be able to help you once in awhile?

Christina, my heart goes out to you. I know you are trying to do the right thing here but you don't need to suffer. I'm sure others on the board might have some suggestions to help you get through the days and nights.

Thinking of you,

Ada

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Stop letting this guy treat you this way, no man sick or not is worth this abuse. You are giving him permission to treat you this way because you are taking it and doing for him. I would tell him to STOP right now waking you up at night or get lost, let him get up himself and get what he needs. If he doesn't like what you make for dinner tell him to call for a pizza, I would never take this from any guy, sorry but I can not stand abusive men, he would not last long with me. Give him an ultimatum, shape up or you will ship out. You sound like a very thoughtful and caring person and I don't think you deserve this. I am the one with lung cancer and I admit at times I can be a "little testy" but I would never think of waking my husband up at night to get something for me or complain about meals he cooks. Its time to take a stand with him.

Bess B

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Lung cancer or not..you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect by your husband!! This disease is a roller coaster ride and you got to be in it together for the right reasons. You said I do and you can now tell him "you won't" if his nastiness continues. I have seen my Dad go thru hell with this disease and at his worst he is not disrespectful to my stepmother...grouchy at times...definitely...but not degrading or nasty..there is a big difference. Sounds like you two need to talk honestly and then make some decisions that are good for you...i will be praying for you to receive direction..take care

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Dear Christina,

Well my dear, DITTO to all the others that have shared with you! And I just want to add, you might want to SHARE with your (husband, I use that term loosely) that your looking into your INSURANCE POLICY to see if it will cover HIM being in a NURSING HOME?????? No ONE should be treated like crap when your doing good things to help someone! Shame on him!

Mood swings I can see, but plan crappy behavior, out of the QUESTION! Sick or NOT SICK!!

Hang in there my dear!

Warm and Gentle Hugs,

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Hi everyone,

I really appreciate all of the responses. This evening around 7pm I wrote a HUGE post on the latest news and my computer froze right before I could send it. :x I'm too tired to write alot but the bottom line is that I had to call 911 the following morning after I wrote this post and Chris is in really bad shape. I am in the hospital with him as I am writing this and it doesn't look good. I am really scared. When the phone rang today he "answered" his oxygen mask and he asked me tonight if we are in LA (we are in NY). I feel bad and embarassed :oops: about airing all of my dirty laundry in one post because now I think Chris was worse off on Sunday night then I ever could have imagined. I think it is highly possible that he wasn't getting enough oxygen to his brain (combine that with me getting next to zero sleep and WATCH OUT!!) :lol: . Thank you for all of the support. I was not prepared for Chris to decline so quickly and it is very scary but this board has helped me tremendously. I will post again if I hear anything new. Even though Chris can get cranky, please continue to keep him in your prayers because I really do love him. :cry:

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Dear Christina-

Don't worry a split second about airing "dirty laundry". That is the wonderful thing about this message board...it is an outlet without really hurting those with whom we have direct contact.

This cancer is TERRIBLE STUFF and affects us all, patients and caregivers, in ways we couldn't have fathomed BC (before cancer). I hope Chris is getting excellent care in the hospital and that you are at last able to catch a bit of rest. Let Chris know how much you love him, BUT be good to yourself. You two will be in my prayers, of course.

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Dear Christina,

Please don't worry about what you said in your other post. I think you deserve a medal for what you are doing and I know you are doing all of this for your husband out of love.

He is really struggling with his cancer and my heart goes out to both of you. I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Ada

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Christina,

Dont think a thing about what you wrote. We all vent here. We dont judge. It sounds like youve been in a very difficult situation. The others gave you good advice.

I noticed you live in Westchester, NY. I am from Westchester/Putnam area and am currently living in Wappingers Falls, NY. Is he being treated at Westchester Medical Center?

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