Husband's Anger

[Ladyintheglen]

I'm sorry to be posting this but I am at my wits end and thought maybe some one would have some advice. My husband goes into a rage over the littlest things. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I love him dearly and want to help him through this. All the name calling and hatred is starting to destroy me. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. He even came chest to chest with me during one arguement. Is this normal?

Cheryl

[karenl]

Hello

I'm sorry to hear things are so rough at the moment. I don't have any direct experience with what you are describing, but a couple of things come to mind....one, is whether your husband is taking steroids. My understanding is that these can cause this type of behaviour in some individuals. Another is whether he has had a head scan to rule out brain mets. Depending on the location of the mets, there can be resulting disorders in the personality of the patient.

Of course, it could be something as simple as the stress of the diagnosis and treatments, but from your post, I gather that this is very out of character, so I would be more inclined to look at the first couple of options.

Hope you find some answers soon, and that the situation can be easily remedied...

Karen

[Ladyintheglen]

Hubby had a brain scan in March - clear. No steroids. He is receiving Etopiside and Carboplatin for chemo and is having radiation to the chest. thank you so much for your quick response.

Cheryl

[trishnmiller]

Dear Cheryl, I am going through the same thing and I think it is a reaction to the chemo and the entire situation. My husband has never had great coping skills (I have been the "peacemaker"). He always apologizes but I have to admit it gets rough and is scary for my kids (ages 10 and 12). I write in my journal, explain things to the kids, and in saner moments, talk to my husband about how his behavior impacts all of us. That's all I can do. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone!

Trish

[Ann]

Cheryl...I know there are a few of us on this board that have experienced similar situations. My Dennis was very "strong willed" and was completely determined that he was going to beat the cancer. He was a man that had always been in control of most situations affecting his life and he wasn't about to give in to cancer. It was very hard for him to talk about what was happening to his body, so he held everything inside. He didn't ask questions because he didn't want to deal with the answer. I can definitely understand the anger and the frustration than he must have had. I know I would be as mad as hell to find out this monster had invaded my body. I think he also was afraid and felt helpless but still felt he had handle this "like a man." I don't have a lot of advice but just wanted to let you know that I can understand and relate to what you are dealing with. Just take a lot of deep breaths!!!

[cindi o'h]

Both of my brothers had "rageful" outbursts uncharacteristic of their previous behavior, both directed at their spouses.

I have heard a definition of rage is anger...plus a feeling of helplessness equals rage. It makes sense to me.

Is there a place that his onc. can recommend where he can safely get some help with dealing with his feelings?

Cindi o'h

[stand4hope]

Dear Cheryl,

I can ditto Trish's post and ditto Ann's post word for word. With Ann's post, you could take the word Dennis and replace it with my husband's name, and it describes him exactly.

Cheryl, I will have to say that I wouldn't use the words rage or verbally abusive to describe my husband, though. It sounds like your husband may be a little on that side that things start to get pretty scary. My husband is angry, and responds in sharp, angry tones, but he doesn't scare me, cuss at me, get beligerent or anything like that. If he did, I would be working on trying to do something to change things because I just couldn't take that.

You are the one that is behind four walls with him, so you have to be the one to decide if you need to take some kind of action. Please be safe.

My heart aches for you.

Love,

Peggy

[beckyonlychild]

I too can relate. My mom is very angry all the time. I cannot say or do anything right. I do think that she wants to control anything and if she is mean to me and her boyfriend it is because it makes her feel she has the power in the relationship. I don't think she even realizes she does it anymore. It is just her new personality. When I have asked why she is so mad she says she is not mad at me she is mad at the cancer.

It is so hard to deal with trying to do anything possible for a person who, unless you find a cure for cancer, you just can't seem to make happy. I feel guilty when I hang up the phone crying bc of how she speaks to me. What choice do we have. We are not the ones with cancer. I just expect it now.

[nancy c]

Yes, the chemo changes much in a person's body. My husband would get moody, depressed, edgy and sometimes be a jerk. Hang in there. He has no control over his cancer--and that is a helpless feeling. God bless you, Nancy C

[Maryanne]

Hi Cheryl,

I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time of your own. You have to deal with his disease and on top of it all you are getting dumped on.

Lets hope that once he keeps his treatments up, he will accept it more and will be more tolerent towards you.

Maybe he may need some anti-depressants to help him with his anger.

I wish I could help you more. Hang in there. You can always come here to vent. We are always here for you.

Maryanne

[tnmynatt]

Cheryl,

I can so relate to what others have said. Charlie keeps everything in and then explodes periodically over things that happen or don't happen. I have learned to be tolerant and remind myself that he is angry at the cancer and not necessarily at me or the kids. This is a tough topic to discuss and not have others take it the wrong way. I love Charlie with all my heart. Take care. Praying for you both.

[Haylee_38]

Cheryl, So sorry you are going through this. I

was my moms care giver and she would get VERY snappy

at times. There were times I felt like nothing I

was doing for her was good enough. My heart goes

out to you both. Haylee

[Carleen]

Hi Cheryl,

Sorry, but I don't have much personal experience with this situation. My husband does have the rare burst of frustration especially after chemo when he is tired, and feeling sick and not able to cope with all of the physical stresses, but is overall more tolerant and accepting now more than he ever was before diagnosis. However, I do have a friend who's husband was very very verbally abusive and angry after he was diagnosed. He was bitter and felt cheated. He was mad at anyone he perceived as having the things he felt he was being denied. It is not fair to you that your husband is acting this way, and it makes it so much harder to deal with everything. But, I guess I can understand it because if I were in that situation I would be feeling mad/sad/helpless too. Try not to take it personal, remember he still loves you but is going through so many emotional crisis' that he probably feels like he is going crazy too.

I also have another question for you. Your bio says your husband has Nueroendorcine tumors with small cell characteristics. Although my husband was diagnosed with Atypical carcinoid (originally diagnosed with small cell just like your husband), his reports generally say undifferentiated neuroendocrine carcinoid. I'm just wondering if it could be the same or similar tumor type between the two of them. If so, I've done a lot of research on this cell type and can refer you to a couple of wonderful specialists in that cancer type as well as a very promising clinic trial going on specifically for neuroendocrine carcinoids that is reporting greater than 50% 5 year survival rates.

Maybe on one of your next doctor's visits you can ask him if these diagnoses are at all related.

You are in my prayers and I hope things calm down a bit for you.

God Bless

Carleen

[Guest Jtate58]

My Dad went through the same anger to tears etc. He sometimes scared us he become so irrational. His primary care doctor put him on Zoloft and he has been a much nicer person and made it easir for all to deal with.

Concerned Daughter

[Fay A.]

Brain mets can cause changes in personality that result in angry and confused behavior. But so can steroid use.

Something I don't see mentioned here is whether or not your family members/loved ones are receiving Steroids as part of their treatment, whether it is oral meds, or IV meds administered at the time of chemo infusions.

It's well documented that people react intensely to these drugs, and some of the symptoms can be poorly to un-controlled anger. If you feel threatened you should leave and go someplace you feel safe. And call the patient's doctor.

I know what this sounds like: a bit alarmist, and who would want to walk out on a loved one who is sick with cancer and may not be "responsible" for the anger in the first place? No one. But your first responsiblity is to keep you and your children safe.

It's just that I've been on those steroids, and I know from first person experience what they can do to a normally well controlled human being. I never reached the point where I was going to be physically violent. Mostly I would find myself in tears (my way of expressing impotent anger). But the potential existed...I came very, very close a few times.

If any of you do not feel safe in the face of one of these angry episodes then go to a safe place, contact the physician, and get some help for your family member and yourself.

And when the drug is no longer needed and the rages subside please try to remember that the problems were induced by a drug that is the synthetic equivalent of Adrenaline, the hormone produced by the adrenal glands that is the body's way of providing what it needs to fuel the "flight or fight" response when we are in extreme danger. Problem is we can't run it out of our systems, or fight it away.

And hopefully the damage done to your sense of trust won't be so great that you can't forgive us our trespasses.

And I hope I haven't offended anyone with this. I believe that you have valid concerns, and should bring this up with the doctors.

[Fay A.]

double posting.

[Justakid]

You may want to PM Karen (David C recently died), if she is up to talking, I know that Dave had some rage issues....what between the meds, brain mets and everything it's not surprising.

She had some of the same problems, hope she doesn't mind me speaking for her....you may want to check out some of her posts.

[cindi o'h]

great post, Fay!! all true.

I love that "impotent anger" I will have to remember that one.

Cindi o'h

[daggiesmom]

I'm, no expert. Just wanted to give you a hug ((())).

Joanie

[francesbean]

Hi Cheryl,

Same thing happens to my dad after chemo. Perhaps this is because of the steroids. I was close to tears last night because he kept yelling at me for no valid reason. It's pretty embarrassing. I guess the least we can do is be supportive and understanding of this kind of condition. God bless!

[Ladyintheglen]

Thank you to everyone who is trying to help me with this problem. To update everyone: Jake just finished with radiation to the chest (35 tx) and will be receiving his last chemo (carbo and etopiside) on Aug. 8,9 10. He does not take steroids. Rad. onc. wants him to go into a clinical trial for prophylactic cranial radiation. Jake is starting to feel the cancer symptoms again. ( He informed me after encouraging me to visit my daughter and son in law in Japan. Non-refundable tickets!)

He doesn't talk to me about what he is feeling. I guess he thinks that men don't talk about such things or maybe he thinks that he is protecting me from it. I'm glad the trust issue was brought up. I recently told Jake that I don't trust him right now. I pray that the trust will come back. Jake is refusing to take meds to help with the anger. (It would be embarrassing.) So I guess I just have to try to keep going through it.

Thank you again for all the support,

Cheryl

[annjael]

My husband never had the anger issue, but I do understand the not talking about his feelings. My husband never did, he just sat and stared, when I tried to get him to talk about his feelings. I think the cancer patient, as well as the spouse or caregiver feel very isolated by this disease. I wish I had had the comfort and friendship of this board when my husband was ill! We are here for you!!

Prayers and peace,

Annjael

[Darlene]

I know I am coming to this thread a little late, but it really touched me and I felt compelled to share what we have gone through.

Even though my husband's LC dx is fairly new, together we have been battling health problems for some time now. When we married he had already been through five major back surgeries. While going through all this he lost his health, his job, and his wife had left him for his best friend, thus losing his children and home as well. Fast Forward a few years~ after we were married and he beagn to have heart attacks and heart surgery his immediate response was anger toward me, as a defense mechanism.

It took some time for him to realize that not only was I his wife, but I was also a Christian and we were in this for better or worse!

When he hurt his back again, we went through it all over again; he felt I was the one cheated out of a healthy spouse, and so on...He needed to hear those words again and again that I was here for better or worse. I had to tell him many times that there are many people out there who are going through very difficult health related problems and get through it together. Health problems are NOT a reason for divorce!! It's a reason to become stronger!

So here we go again with the dx of LC. So far he knows I am going to be there for him, no matter what. I still tell him, because I feel it does him good just to hear it from time to time. When he does get grouchy I have learned it's not me, HE is the one feeling rotten and needs an uplift. A few uplifting words can do wonders, just acknowledging his pain and disapointment helps when he feels his health is out of control.

He too has a long history of depression that seems to come and go. He has a long family history of depression. His problem is that most anti-depression drugs make him suicidal, so when a doctor suggests a new one I make sure I ask him everyday how he is feeling to stop it at the first sign of a problem. We have not yet found a med that works, we have tried herbal combinations with pretty great results.

I have already been seeking a councilor so when the time comes that one is needed for him, myself or the children, we will already have a good relationship.

I know this post is long, and considered not posting it after seeing just how long it became, but if it gives just a little help to someone it's worth it....

[Cellar Door]

Lady:

just wanted to say that I cam here to write about anger and a little more in caring for my husband. Your description is so the situation here for the last 2 weeks...

It hurts a great deal.

Know you are not alone.

You are thought of.

[jang]

Cheryl,

Unfortunately most people seem to take everything out on the caregiver. I watched my step father do this to my mother for 7 years. It's not fun. I don't have any advice for you, but I can sympathize with you. Best of luck.