bauner95 Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 I have a question for you all. Lately Mike and I are fighting more than we ever did. We were on our way home from church last week and he got out of the car in town. I called his mom and dad and they picked him up. Then today, we were headed into church and before we even got out of the drive way, he was mad and screaming. I told him to stop and let me out. He wouldn't and wouldn't even stop at the stop sign because I was going to get out and walk back home. Anyway, we finally ended up coming back home and not going. he left for awhile to cool off, which is fine with me. I would rather he leave than us continue screaming at each other. When we talked about things, he says that he feels like he has no ientity. He says he feels like people either recognize him as my husband or as they guy who had lung cancer and is now doing better. I feel like most of this is all in his head, but regardless, it is really getting to him. He just wakes up mad and then it gets worse. He says that he feels like he doesn't know what he should be doing now. He was in school before cancer and plans to go back, but can't until the end of March. I know that anger is part of dealing with this, because I went through this too. I went to the doctor and got medicine to help me. Mike is not a medicine person at all and it took everything I had to get him to take the meds to prevent being sick after chemo, so he does not want to have to take any more medicine. I feel like we have worked so hard to get to where we are today and now all we do is fight. Anyone have any suggestions how you get past this without nerve pills? His dad a psychologist suggestes that he talk to someone, but that really freaked him out. When I suggested that was a great idea, he responded, so you think I am crazy too. I tried to tell him that doesn't make you crazy, but he didn't seem to listen. Any thoughts? Kim[/b] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barbaraSanAntone Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Dear Kim, it must be so disheartening to have gone through the stress of treatment, and now facing other emotional difficulties. IMO, even though he has been declared to have no evidence of disease, there may be residual problems chemo related. There is such a thing as "chemo brain". Also, personality changes and erratic behavior can also be related to brain tumor. I think you should discuss this with your oncologist or primary doctor as soon as possible so a treatment plan can begin. God Bless you and keep you through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dadstimeon Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Hi Kim, Mike is very fortunate that he was able to have surgery and is now cancer free. One has to help themselves first, no one can do it for them. All the anger and screaming in the world is not going to change a single thing. If he does not want to talk to a psychologist perhaps he will talk to someone who has experienced the same thing. There is a great place called The Wellness Community http://www.thewellnesscommunity.org/pro ... /guide.asp that offers support free both for the person with cancer and there family. Worth a try, have nothing to lose. Try to encourage him to turn the negative into a positive for both his sake and yours/the kids. Hope this helps. Rich Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.C. Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Kim, Mike was so busy fighting cancer that now he is lost because during the process he had all those tests and treatments and now all is so quiet and his agenda is nearly empty, he always had plenty to do to get all the treatments and tests in a day or week and now find that time is on his hand. That let down is awful for a patient, it is like giving up and leaving an open door for the sickness. Find as many useful things as possible for him to do, invent some if needed and keep his agenda full with days of obligatory shopping, obligatory visit with friends, and mark them all, that empty feeling or loss of identity may be taken care of.....something to do today and something to do tomorrow. Good luck till he really gets busy at the end of March. xoxo Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.C. Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 P.S. He was the center of attention during all the testing and treatments and now he is taking second place with everybody, so his loss of identity hurt. Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunny Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 poor guy. and it must be hard on you, too. if he won't see a counselor of some kind, maybe a support group of cancer survivors would help. it may just take time to adjust. xoxo amie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don M Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 As Amie suggests,if he could find a local support group that might help. Don M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carolhg Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 I will be praying for you and your family. I am so sorry that you are having these problems. Prayers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Kim, Mike is very young, with his life ahead of him, and he got lung cancer. He has plenty to be mad about. What he needs is an outlet other than you. Talking with a counselor or a good friend is not being crazy -- it is recognizing the need to talk out the anger and anything else bothering him. What Lucie and I have had to recognize si that we both will run the gamut of emotions, and it is not personal, even if it seems directed toward the other. Sometimes, it is just frustration. We all need help from others from time to time to get through life. I agree with others that he was busy fighting the disease at first and now he has time to think about it and all the ramifications. He needs to sort all that out with the help of someone not emotionally involved. I wish both of you well in this. You need to address this and not keep on fighting with each other at a time when you particularly need to support each other. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trishnmiller Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Dear Kim, Your guy sounds just like my Jeffrey. There is no way that my husband would ever go to a support group let alone talk to a psychiatrist. Neither would he go on line to discuss any of this. All of these things have been left to me. When he wants his way he plays the "cancer card". I call him on it and rarely let him have a pity party. I remind him that his disease has affected the whole family and we all need to be there for each other. Jeffrey is at the end of his treatment (for now) as well and I am sure that much of what you are going through is waiting for me. Jeff has been the center of our universe for over a year and I have to wonder how things will go when the orbit begins to shift. My prayers for you and your family. Trish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shirleyb Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Kim, Just an off hand idea but maybe getting him to write down all that he is feeling in a journal would help him to identify himself again. I know this is off the wall but maybe it would be a way that he could put into words what he is missing. I can understand where he is coming from. You were able to reach out and develope a support system and did not rely on him for your moral support. Maybe he is feeling like you don't need him emotionally anymore because you do have all these people who know you and what you were going through because of him. But who was his support? He had you and your family I am sure but you have this hugh circle of people to talk to and he doesn't. Maybe he is not one to talk to someone but maybe he could try to write to himself about what he wants. It might help if he were to write down on paper what his goals are now. He may need to find out he needs to dream again of the future and not just the next test. Once we lose our dreams, we tend to lose everything that is important. Kind of like Peter Pan. I hope things get better for him and for you. Prayers for all of us. Shirleyb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blaze100 Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Hi Kim, Your husband could be feeling as if the rest of the world is out of touch with reality, the kind of reality he had to face every morning waking up to lung cancer at age 33. I want to clobber my husband when he fusses over the little stuff like a chipped plate, or a dead phone battery. He's been with me every step of the way, but when he focuses on the little things it just proves that he doesn't completely understand. It is as if he is functioning at a lower level of awareness. He acts like he's going to live forever. He doesn't (or maybe can't) fully appreciate, first hand, how short life is. Anyway, I have a tremendous urge/panic to break away from my old life sometimes. Maybe this is what your husband is feeling? Just my two cents. Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Hi Kim, I see that you are church goers? Perhaps a member of the clergy, can talk to him about getting some kind of help. Sorry for all of you. You must feel like you are walking on eggs most of the time. This certainly is not good for the children. Hopefully, there is someone from your church who can intervene. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Kim, I am so very sorry that you all have to go through this horrible ordeal. Especially, the children, because they are surely affected the worst. Maybe it will help for your husband to really think about that when he refuses to get help to make things a little better. I too agree that the doctor should be involved in it to rule out something physical. He is certainly entitled to his anger, but not to take it out on other people, and especially the ones who love him the most. I know I have went through some pretty terrible feelings over this disease. An awful lot of anger over various things. Have felt enormous hurt over a lot of things also. Others who have not been through this do not have the capability of truly understanding at all. And it is also not fair for you and your children to be even more hurt than you already are. Did I understand your post wrong or did you say that his father was a psychologist? Has your husband always acted so defensive & stubborn or is it something new? I have been to numerous counselors & therapists(including psychologists & psychiatrists) even before this cancer and in no way do I consider myself crazy; and it is quite insulting when someone assumes that. I hope something can be done to make things better and very soon for all of your sakes. Take Care, Patty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bauner95 Posted February 15, 2006 Author Share Posted February 15, 2006 Mike's dad is a psychologist and the pastor of our church. He has always felt that way about things. We did have a long talk and hopefully worked through some things. Time will tell and he sees the doctor on the 27th. We will mention it then too. Thanks to everyone, Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 I see a counselor to "deal with things". If he doesn't want to talk, he still needs to get it out - suggest he sign up for a martial arts class. Tai Chi is very low impact, my husband has re-joined a dojo - he discovered Tai Chi after a back surgery... He needs an outlet - and to figure out who he is again. He's not the same person, he needs to find out who he now is and wear his new "me" suit. Good luck, Becky PS He may also be a bit mad at God - something else no one can fix but him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 I like what Becky just said 'cause I too have been seeing a therapist since the lung thing. When I had my first cancer at the age of 37, I went into a depression that lasted 6 months. I did see a therapist at that time, because I had no clue how to live now that I had cancer. And I felt some anger with God as well. But God and me are starting to talk again gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSF Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 Hi Kim, I am sorry to hear about what you're going through, as is Mike. We're not as far as you in the process, but Tim tends to be very "short" these days. If Mike's not comfortable going to a counselor or support group, do you think he would talk one on one to someone else who's been through it? I don't know if it would help or not, but he may be more comfortable talking to someone who just might really understand what he's going through. I'm thinking of you - Mike's success story is what I'm hanging on to for Tim!!! Sandra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rvillella Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 Sorry I haven't weighed in sooner but I am going through much of the same thing right now. Although I am not sure of what my status is right now, I believe they got it all. My problem seems to be that I keep asking what now? Before the cancer, the removal of the lung, the radiation and chemo, I could get up in the morning, get ready for work, kiss my wife goodbye, and go on with my day. Now it seems that it's not enough. There should be more, something I should be doing, but I'm not. Like your husband I have a little bug about psychologists and the like. But I've seen them before, just didn't seem to help me like I thought they should. I'm not a pill man either so it's hard for me to continue to take all the pills I have to. But most of all I have this feeling of being lost and don't know how to get home. Don't know if this helps, but I know you are just like my wife and will be there for Mike when he comes back around. Prayers for you and your family. Ralph Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icbn Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 I can identify with your husband and others who have voiced their concerns on what to do next. I see that as a good thing, however, because it means we believe we will survive. Now we just need to make survival worth it. I think we can begin that journey by recognizing while we may have lung cancer, the disease does not define who we are. The life we lead does. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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