gail p-m Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 Question 1: I am with my Dad right now and can stay throughout the summer since I am a teacher. He has deteriorated a lot in the last couple of months. He has lost much weight and is weak and unsteady on his feet. Dad sleeps a good part of the day away. It's evident that he can't take care of his bills anymore and other such personal business. When my sister and I have gently mentioned that we'll take care of bill paying and having someone else take care of some personal matters (we just don't have the expertise to deal with some of it), he brushes us off. I hate, absolutely hate, having to suggest we take over bill paying... but with second notices arriving and his confusion as to whether things have paid, we have to. Dad is a proud man and has remained independent throughout the almost 6 years of dealing with cancer. I know this is tough for him. How do we get him to turn over his "affairs" without crushing him? Question 2: Although Dad can still do "personal care", he cannot cook (though he barely eats), can no longer drive himself to doctor's appts., can't get down the steps to do his laundry, can't shop... I've got this all covered right now but when I need to leave, something has to be done. My sister lives close by but she works full-time and can't meet all of these needs either. I'd like to get a social worker to come in to tell us what's available to help him but I don't know how to bring this up to Dad. It would be like telling him that I'm abandoning him and "the end is near." Question 3: I know it is best for the cancer patient to remain in his own home as long as possible. This may not be possible much longer. I am certainly willing to take him to my home which is 3000 miles away. (I'm not even sure this is possible since it's in a different country and our medical resources are already strained...) If I could work out the medical details, would this be a really detrimental thing for my Dad. I should point out that he would not be leaving a social support network. He has acquaintances but no "close" friends. He has relied on my sister for a long time. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. gail p-m Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 Oh Gail, I have not had to deal with any of the issues you mention, so I really have no words of advice or any experise to offer. I am just sorry you have it all to decide, you know? Others, I know, who have walked this walk will have suggestions. I just wanted to let you know that I will be thinking of you and hoping for resolution to these matters so you, your sister AND your dad can heave a sigh of relief and simply enjoy spending time together. Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 I too, have no words of advice, but from one teacher to another, and one Gail to another, I feel your concern and pain. I hope you find the answers you are searching for. gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 It is obvious your dad needs to be where he can be taken care of, however that plays out. Sometimes you just have to be blunt and help him realize things are not as they were and probably never will be again. My wife had to move her mother from one state to ours so she would be nearby and could be taken care of. She had to get her mother's permission (Mom was not mentally incapacitated), and she had to do some real tough talking to do it. Her mom didn't want to leave where her family and friends were. My wife is an only child so there were no alternative relatives to take care of her. I wish you luck. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don M Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 Gail, I think you should talk him in to moving to your place. If it is feasible to have him live with you, that is the best way. Maybe Canadian law would allow you to declare your dad as a dependent and perhaps he would be eligible for Canadian Health care? My wife's dad reached a point where he could no longer live by himself, and he readily agreed to go live with us. It worked out just fine. Don M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen, Daddy's girl Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 You have come up with very good solutions. The social worker should help find some resources. You may need to push to get all the things your Dad needs. It's not a happy thing to deal with, but it has to be dealt with. I worry about moving to Canada with a pre-existing health problem. But it is a solution to consider. I did a quick online search and found info. There is travelers insurance and many other options. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ztweb Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 Oh Gail. You have so much to think about right now. I am so sorry. This is such a stressful time. I am a teacher too, and I know how hard it is when you go back anyway...just so busy, and so much to think about and do at the beginning. It is good that you are trying to work through this now. Your dad has to be aware that you are leaving, right? I understand being proud. I wonder about asking him what he thinks should happen? I know that might seem like an impossible thing, but I wonder if placed with the reality, what he would say? Stay strong girl! You can do this! Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindy0519 Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 Gail, I completely understand how hard being 3,000 miles away is. My Dad was in Az and I am in Ohio - so I spent a great amount of the last three months in Az. Thank God I work a job that I can have some flexiblity with where I actually "work" and for a firm that will allow this type of flexibility..without it I am not sure what I would have done! Anyway, my thought is this...while you may not be ready for the word hospice.. if your Dad is no longer seeking "curative treatment" and is only on pallative care I wonder if he might qualify for hospice care. If he does it sounds to me like he might also qualify for inpatient care. If there is a facility in his area that offers a hospice home (not in the hospital setting) this might be a great answer for both you and your Dad. I know there was a gentleman in the house that my Dad was in that had been there for 3 months. His children lived out of town and came down on the 2 weekends that we were there. He said it worked out very nicely for him since he was not able to be by himself any longer. Conversations about this stuff (and especially finacnial issues) are so very difficult to have..especially with men who have based their lived on being proud and independent. It's just heartbreaking when things reach this point. Praying that you will find a solution that will work best for your family! Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamataca Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 What a great way to word that, Katie! That sounds like a winner to me--tell your dad that you guys are helping him focus on his job right now--his health! I used to be the one in MN when my mom would crash (from non-cancer Crohns or kidney failure) in OK. Being so far away was so hard! I'm glad you have flexible time in the summer. I, too, worry about what will happen when school starts back up here, and I have to go back to school. Take good care of yourself. WE know you take great care of your dad. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma's kid Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 Gail, This is such a difficult part of all of this, isn't it...We have not reached that point yet with my mom but I am sure in time, we will. I don't have any magic answers but wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and praying you find a way to talk to your dad. Katie has a wonderful suggestion! Love you, Katie! Hang in there Gail and lots of hugs Libby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daggiesmom Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 Hi Gail, Your post really struck a nerve with me. My Dad was also a very proud person who always had his act together. He had survived taking care of my mother, who was totally disabled due to a massive stroke, then she passed, and he survived being a widower for another 20 years. He developed congestive heart failure which came along with senility in a very bad form. Eventually, after having a calm talk with him, we told him he needed all his strength to fight the heart disease, and we would handle his day to day necessities. Maybe he would be better off with you in your home, if you feel you can do that. A Social Worker would definitely be helpful at this point. Maybe you can talk to him/her separately, ahead of time to get some solid answers before you approach him with these "new ideas." I feel for you Gail, this is very hard, but please remember you are doing what is right for him, and you are a great daughter to put his welfare first. Please keep us posted. I'll be praying for your family. Joanie ((())) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 Gail, I know how difficult this must be for you and your sister. Getting our loved ones to allow us to take over some of the things they have been doing for years is a very hard thing to accomplish. I don't have alot of advice here, as Dennis seemed to realize his limitations and I didn't have to push the point with him on lots of things. I just wanted to jump in and let you know that I am thinking of you and saying prayers that you will find a solution that will work for you and your dear dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.