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My mom is gone...


Guest Mom'sGirl

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Guest Mom'sGirl

Hi everyone.

First I want to say thank you for all of your heartfelt responses. I haven't been online for a week or so, because right after I posted the first time my mom came home and it went downhill from there.

She was home Saturday, went into the hospital Sunday, went to hospice Wednesday and passed away at dawn on Friday morning. Watching her decline so fast was devastating, and watching her take her last breath was surreal and heartbreaking. Luckily my sisters and I were there holding her hand and telling her over and over "We love you, Mom" as her soul left her body. My baby was kicking me the whole time. I put her hand on my stomach for a moment at the very end.

I am numb and just waiting to get through the visitation and funeral. I know that after all of that is over, things will come crashing down as I try to get back to my normal life...which previously included daily phone conversations with my mom and visits one or two times a week. She was so intertwined in my life. I don't know how I'll make it without her.

Erin, your story made me cry and I can relate so very much. Thank you for sharing your experience with me...and I pray that you find some semblance of peace soon. My heart breaks for you.

Everyone else, thank you so much for sharing your stories and for your encouragement. You all are brave and inspiring people...

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Michele If you need anything there are a lot of big dry shoulders to cry on here. Many condolences and Prayers for comfort. If you need us we are here for you.

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I am so sorry Michele for the passing of your mom. I know how much that hurts and it always will. Moms are just so special. They are just suppose to always be there for us.

Keep you mom close in that special place in your heart just reserved for moms.

My deepest condolences. She will be there in spirit for the birth of your baby.

Maryanne

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Michele -

I am so terribly sorry. Please email me when you come up for some air. I can very much relate to what you are going through and hope that I may be able to give you some comfort. My mom did make it to see my baby born...but I understand all the emotions as my mom was my very best friend in the world. I miss her every single day - it has been just under seven months.

I am so, so sorry. I am sending you a PM as well.

Holly

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Michelle,

I'm just so very sorry... As Holly and Erin have mentioned here already there are several of us who lost our Mom's either shortly before or after having a baby born. I'm another. It's hard and it sure complicates the emotions.

We care and we are here to support you.

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Michele,

I just don't believe it. I am so very VERY sorry. It's just TERRIBLE that things turned so awful so quickly. It's not fair. That baby should know his or her grandma. I am heartsick. I know we should be looking for the meaning of the baby's due date, and the reason why you were given this baby in the first place, but at this point it gives little comfort when you've just lost your mom. It's how I felt when my mom died. But I'll tell you, even though I've given birth before, I had honestly forgotten how wonderful that shining moment is when you hear your baby's cry. For me, it was tinged with sorrow, having lost my mom just three weeks beforehand, and I am bitter about going through my shining moment in a fog.

Michele, you poor thing, God bless you and that baby. I wish I could tell you that the baby will take away your pain, but I can't. What he/she will do is make every moment that much more intense and special. I am so much more sensitive to each tiny thing now. The pain is just wat I said before: unbearable at times. I am coming upon six months and it only seems to intensify with each passing day. And, also, take comfort in your children; I promise they will help you get through these early days.

Please, don't let this be the last time we hear from you. Something in your post suggests to me that you won't be back. I hope you reconsider and stay here, though it may be hard to return and post in Grieving. I'd love to hear how you're doing both emotioally and physically as time goes on.It has helped me so much to know I have the support of the people here, who really understand.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Again, I'm so sorry for everything. It's hard to try to make sense of it all, so right now, don't even try. You're heading for a lot of emotions you didn't even know you had in you. And I think if you come back here for support, you will find it, you will use it, and it will help you through some difficult times.

All my best,

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Michele,

I am so, so sorry to read your post. I can truly understand having a best friend in a mother, as my mom is my best friend in the whole world. Losing her would be like losing the world. Please know that we are here for you, and that you have us for support. I pray that God wraps his arms around you, holds you tight, and breaths comfort into you for you and for your baby. Eternal rest be granted unto your mother, and may God's perpetual light shine upon her always.

God bless,

Jen

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Guest Mom'sGirl

I'm back...

Is it normal to be numb? It has been a week since my mom died, and I'm having a hard time even crying. I wake up every day with a terrible stomachache and a sense of sadness and dread, but no tears. I cry sometimes, but not often and not for long. I feel like I'm in some sort of denial. It's too painful to think of normal life without her. My husband took this week off from work, so we're still in this state of being suspended from real life.

Selfishly I thought I would have my five-year-old son to comfort - he and my mom were so tightly bonded and in love, she was a HUGE part of life, and he tearfully worried the whole time she was sick that she wouldn't get better. He would tell her "You don't need medicine to make you better, Nana, you have your GRANDSON for that", and he'd wrap his arms around her and hold her tight. Of course I am NOT wishing him to be crying and devastated, but I guess I did not expect the opposite and the level of dismissal he is showing. He is a smart and sensitive little guy, and I get irritated when well-meaning people say to me "Oh, he's only five, he has no idea what's going on. He won't be bothered." I guess I worry that maybe the pain is deep he is just burying it. I had to go to his school to fill out some papers for kindergarten, and I left just shaking, realizing that my mom will not be part of this big event in his life, sending him cards and making him cookies, etc. like she always did. She wasn't able to attend his preschool graduation b/c she was on chemo and could not be in big crowds, but she was at our house afterward with her plate of cookies and her balloons and lots of hugs.

My 3-year-old daughter always seems to be nearby when I do shed a few tears, and she says "Don't worry, Mommy, Nana's up in heaven feeding Jodie (our goldfish that died). And she has God there, too. And she's not sick anymore, God made her better." Then she'll go outside and point up at the sky and say "LOOK, Mommy, there's Nana!" She is my wise little one...

Anyway, I went to the OB yesterday for my monthly checkup and was so depressed. I hate needles, and I was flinching as they drew blood and then started thinking about what my mom went through, and how this was so minor and I needed to stop being so dramatic. That led to some tears finally. I think the lab guy thought I was insane. Of course I am happy that the baby seems healthy, but I also am terrified of having this baby without my beautiful mom holding my hand as she's always done during my deliveries, crying happy tears with me and reaching for her new grandchild.

I've also been having nightmares about my mom, really bad ones. My sisters said they are as well. Seeing her slowly dying and gasping for air, and then the moment she took her last breath - it's all starting to come back to me and haunt me.

I'm so afraid of the moment that this will all come crashing down on me. My mom has not even been buried yet - she is going to be at Arlington National Cemetery and there is always a wait. She will be buried on 8/14. My friends keep saying "You just need that closure of the burial, and then things will get better..." Ha! I'm not even thinking of the burial, I'm thinking of getting through the rest of my days without my mom.

Sorry to go on and on...I guess I just thought I would be perched on a window ledge at this point, and instead I can't even cry. I can't let the pain fully in, it's too frightening.

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