Need to vent!

[kimberliebishop]

My mother was dx. with stage IV non-small cell lung cancer in late May of this year. She lived alone for awhile through her first round of chemo and got really dehydrated wich made her really sick. She wasnt doing all that great so we decided to move her to assisted living facility. As the months have gone by alot of things have happen to her ( 3 heart attacks, broken arm from a fall, multiple hospital stays for pneumonia). The doctor decided no more chemo, but finished her radiation therapy.

In October she was dx. with brain and bone metastasis. Underwent surgery to remove a brain met. Did really well for about a week. Then all hell broke loose. She has been going down hill ever since. She has been very weak and confused consistent with delirium. No more treatments.

Well on friday of last week I go to visit her and cant even wake her. She would arouse but not wake up. I called non emergency and they transported her to the local Er and they dx her with narcotic overdose. Wont admit no medical reason to they say. Hold pain meds and see Dr. on Monday they say. I go up saturday morning and she is no better. Nurse at assisted facility says that its probably progression of illness. I was not convinced. So I call non emergency back to transport her to hospital. After about an hour of me screaming and yelling they finally admit and dx her with pneumonia and dehydration. After three days in hospital and 1000 times better she is ready to go home and we get the news....the assisted living facility no longer wants her there, meaning my mother is homeless. They want her to go to a nursing home. My mom is now crying uncontrolable. The discharge nurse is looking at me for an answer. I have never had a harder decision to make in my life. I know that a nursing facility is probably the best place for my mom since I have 4 kids and a 17yr. foster son but I just couldnt send her there. I brought her home with me.

My husband and I moved our bed into our sons room ( 12 and 13) and the four of us are sharing so my mom can have our room. My husband is the best in the world I think.

So now we are taking it day to day. It is very overwhelming. I do have 3 sisters but I cant seem to get them intrested in what is going on. So I feel totally alone. I am watching my mom die right in front of my eyes and they dont seem to care. It makes me so mad cause mom always asks for them and I dont know what to say..I dont know what to do......Guess I am just having a bad day today....Maybe tomorrow will be better.....Thanks for letting me vent........Kim

[j's girl]

Kim, vent all you want! We are here to listen.

Hope your days start getting better soon. You've been through so much already.

Sending thoughts and prayers.

Shauna

[mamasbabygirl]

OMG Kim. I could have written many of these words only a few short months ago. Kim, you are doing the right thing. It is the hardest thing ever to watch it happen, but you will be better for doing it. I promise you will. The days seem so long and scary and new and wrong and on and on, I know. Please know that I am here. It's terrible how loudly you have to yell sometimes to be heard. I live in KY. What about you?

[mamasbabygirl]

Oh, I see now, Washington-duh.

[Treebywater]

Oh Kim...

I am heartbroken to read this post. And so angry about what happened at the assisted living facility.... I just can't believe that people treat people so terribly when they are already so fragile and have so many problems.

You know--even with the kids there, and the adjustments that will have to be made, it may be the greatest comfort of all for your Mom to be with people she loves right now. I think you've given your Mom a huge gift.

As for your sisters.... well, in your position I'm srue I'd just want to wring their necks. I'm so sorry you feel so alone.

You AREN'T alone though. So many of us know what this is like and we will walk it with you. So come here and vent and cry and scream and sob and we'll cry with you and give you shoulders to lean on and ears to listen.

Most of all you hang in there. And PM me anytime you just need somebody to be there, ok?

[Don Wood]

Hangin there. You're an excellent caregiver and advocate for your mom. Don

[Suzie Q]

Kim, I'm sorry you have to go through all this, especially without the support of your siblings. You are blessed with a kind and caring husband, though. Take comfort in knowing that this move, although hard, is the right thing to do.

I was homored to have taken care of my mom in our home. My DH and two little girls were absolutely great and handled it all so well.

Have you contacted Hospice yet? They will offer some assistance, but very little nursing. If you feel the need, you can hire a private-duty nurse or nurse aide.

Best wishes to you,

Karen

[cindi o'h]

Kim,

This is rough. As others have said, you will have no regrets. Call hospice and get some support from them to make your life at home there easier. Enlist the help of friends if you can. Call out the troops!

What a blessing for your Mom to have you to love her in her tough days ahead. Your husband is an angel. Get the kids involved the best you can. This will work.

God bless you and all.

Cindi o'h

[beat it]

"...............fatih, hope and LOVE. The greatest of these is LOVE" You are a major blesing to your mother and an encourager to us all.

No matter what, remember to LOVE. Your on the right road.

Beeat it!!

[Nick C]

Kim first I am SO Sorry.

Is hospice involved at all? Can you get them involved? They will not only help mom but will help you.

Don't feel like hospice is giving up, it's just a step to ensure the proper people are familiar with her situation for when there are crisises like you've had.

And there are some very nice hospice facilities.

God bless.

[trish2418]

My prayers are with all of you.

Trish

[Maryanne]

Is there any way you can set up a hospital bed for her in a living room or dining room? I hate the idea that you guys are put out of your room and have to share it with your kids.

If you don't have a choice then you do what you have to do. How is she doing since being home with you? Someone mentioned hospice coming in to help out. Let your mom know that hospice will come to help her shower and check her meds, stuff like that. It does not mean that she is dying. They will come out an evaluate her so you will know how much time they think she may have. Of course only the man upstairs knows that.

You are a wonderful, wonderful daughter. Your siblings should be ashame of themselves. They will probably be the ones who will cry the most at her funeral for all the guilt they will have. You on the other hand will be able to tolerate it more because you were there for her. I just can't understand how anyone can turn their back on their mother... that to me is unforgivable.

Keep us posted. You certainly have plenty to vent about. We are always here for you. And yes your husband is the best. You are blessed there.

Maryanne

[mary colleen]

I agree that you should get in-home hospice, if possible. As very difficult as this is, all that really matters in the long run is that you make your mother feel safe and secure. NO ONE in her condition should have to feel afraid of being without a place to live, or worried about any basic needs being met. The people at the assisted living facility must be deviod of comapssion. You have done the right thing, in my opinion, no matter how difficult. If you cannot get more family help, let it be. You can't change them. Trust me, no matter how difficult this is, all that will really matter to you in the future is that you gave your mother peace and comfort when it mattered most. Consider it an honor that will pay off in your heart in years to come.

[nikkala]

Good for you Kim, bringing your Mom home was the right thing to do. Although it may seem difficult, the rewards will outweigh the negatives. I agree with what Nick C said. Get hospice involved. They have SOOO many resources that can help you, physically and emotionally. Please know we are all here for you and please remember to take care of yourself through all this as you are no good to anyone if your not OK. Hang in there.

[Jyoung20]

Kim,

You are being such a wonderful caregiver for your mom!! You deserve a big hug!! Hang in there and vent all you want.

GOD BLESS!!

Jamie

[peacelover]

What an aweome daughter you are Kim-I am sory that you, your family and most of all your mom are going through this but know your mom is grateful that you are there for her making the sacrifices needed at this tough time. You will no doubt take memories from the experience that are priceless.

I have a few things to say about the assisted living facility. First, understand that they asked you to transfer your mom to skilled nursing care because they are not equipped to handle her needs at this building-it is NOTHING personal. In honesty they probably should NOT have admitted her with so many meds and potential issues.

Second,was she medicating herself at the facility? If not they are in serious trouble for her overdose on narcs. Third,the nurse stating that it is probably illness prgression is her covering her facilities butt so you are within reason not to believe her. Fourth, If nothing else I would report this building to your states health and human services department. Unfortunatley, there are not as many rules governing assisted living care as there are skilled nursing facilities so they are not inspected as much but the overdose and fall should be reported!

You have had some good advice here and I just want to add that you are never alone and that I am sending you comfirt and blessings

Melissa

[Ry]

Hospice will take care of getting your mom a hospital bed and any equipment she needs. They will be a great help to you caring for her at home. Call your sisters and tell them she is asking for them and then let it go. It is then on them-- they will have to live with handle things. I hope all goes well.

[Don M]

Kim: I am glad you took your mother home.

My siblings and I took turns taking care of my brother who was dying of lung cancer. He stayed at my mom’s house. It brought us all closer together. He died in August 2000. We had a nurse come in 2 times a week for 2 hours a day to help.

I think hospice could do the same thing for you. I am sorry your sibs are not helping. They are missing out on an opportunity to share in a blessing.

Don M

[sharyn]

Kim,

I am so sorry to read you are going through such a tough time. I went through the same type thing with my mother in law... we brought her to our house and although it was tough. It is a decision that I now am so very proud we made, and I know it meant the world to her. You are doing what your heart is telling you too and that is never wrong... hard, I know, and I am praying for you.