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It Just Hit Me Again...


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And I SOOOO hate when it does!!! :evil:

I look around me. I see people smiling and happy and "carefree" and I try SO hard to remember what it was like to NOT get tense the moment the phone rings at an odd hour of the day. I try to remember what it was like when I didn't think "this will be the last" whatever it may be. I try to remember what it was like to not plan only a few weeks at a time in advance but be able to say "Next year I think we should...".

I love my mom and nothing is going to change that. Not this disease, especially. But I DO long for the time before "now" and "reality" and "this is how it is". I KNOW that her lifespan isn't going to be what I'd always imagined in my life and every so often it hits me. And then I panic. My mommy's my world, even now. I call her when good things happen, when bad things happen, when I need advice or when I just need to talk. Who am I going to call???

And then it rolls back to Sabrina. Nothing brings me to the brink of sanity like thinking about how it will effect Sabrina, to lose her grandma...the first person who held her and the most important (sometimes even more so than her father and I!!) person in her life. It crushes me.

Ok, I know it's not my normal up-beat post...but we all have those times when it hits us. This is mine.

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I have thought the same things you posted a million times. I hate not being able to think about next year, I hate this new normal.

I am so sorry that you are going through this and that you are having a hard time now. I truly appreciate your post b/c it is nice to know that others feel the same way (I hope that made sense).

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Hi-you have been dealing with this a lot longer than I have but I understand. My Mom is doing very well - tumor shrunk 75% after 2 cycles (2 more to go) and she is tolerating chemo very very well. My Mom and my kids were decorating our tree the other day and it seemed like "old times" when her nurse called the other day and I was asking her about doing the brain radiation if she has a complete response with this chemo and she was just very pessimistic and it ruined the rest of my day. It just brought everything

back to reality that this could very well be my Mom's last Christmas on this earth. I told my brothers and husband that this year it's all about my Mom and my kids only-I'm not doing the rushing to please everyone. We are staying home @ our house for the first time in 10 years on Christmas Day-Usually we go to my in-laws.

Now that my Mom is back home (and very content) Thanks to her Zoloft I do believe.... it's not so in my face everyday and I feel like I am in denial a little bit now. I don't know if it's because she is doing so well with everything or if it's because I'm not with her now 24/7. Anyhow it's nice to know other people know how you feel especially during the crazy, hectic holiday season.

I think I may have gotten off the original post a little bit...sorry

Happy Holidays


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[missyk] ...I look around me. I see people smiling and happy and "carefree" and I try SO hard to remember what it was like...

Missy, your post really grabbed me deep inside. Most of my life I haven't been a very emotional person, and empathy has not been my strong suit, but recently I've been making up for lost time. This is not about my own medical condition -- though hopeful, I'm also realistic and ready to accept whatever may come my way without getting anywhere close to self-pity. But it's about the effect on my family and especially my wife, who has been end-of-life caregiver to her father and my father and now to her still minimally ambulant mother who lives with us. I see how she's set aside, perhaps forever, her own dreams and aspirations to care for others and the incredible stress the holiday season brings upon her -- this year, and for at least the past ten.

I see those happy, carefree, shallow faces and in my own "looking for the bright side" way try to convince myself that what she is going through has some meaningful benefit to her and not just to those fortunate enough to come under her care. Regardless of one's religious or philosophical views, there must be that bright side. There must be...

Aloha to all, whatever the season.


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Sorry you are having one of "those" times right now. Funny, but one of my sons just mentioned that whole "phone ringing" thing to me recently. He says whenever he sees our number come up on his phone, he just has a panic attack that something has gone haywire. I told him I always leave a message to assure him that everything is okay, but seeing as he never listens to his messages, he panics. :shock:

Having lost my own Mother when I was fairly young (27)& with three little children, I get where you are at from a daughter's perspective too. It's a tough time to be sure, but unfortunately, a natural part of life's process.

Hoping for better days ahead!


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I know exactly how you feel. Last week my mom was talking about going 'home' for Christmas and the fact that we can't do that this year and she said "We'll go next year," and instantly she got a look on her face and I knew she was thinking that there may not be a next year. Since I saw that look on her face, I'm tormented with the possibility. The fear of her not being here is crippling to me.

I understand how you feel. Cancer sucks.

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I can soooo relate to your post. I was in the mall today Christmas shopping and watching the fathers with their families and it hit me really hard. I also become sad sometimes when I see grandfathers with their grandchildren and wonder sometimes will my dad be around to see his first grandchild. I would give anything to go back to the way our lives were before. Things that worried me in the past seem so trivial and utterly stupid now. I've been praying to God to let things go back to the way they were and I will never be ungrateful enough to complain about little insignificant things again.


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