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Wierd Day...


Treebywater

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So... Well... Context: We found out last week that Husband will likely be deployed to the sandbox for four months.... That time will include our due date and the weeks following. Four months is not long, and we are grateful for that, but the timing really pretty much monumentally sucks.

I woke up this morning thinking about that... Not about delivery this time, or the days at home this time, but about staying in the hospital by myself, and how scary that seems to me (what a thing to whine about here, right? Sorry guys....). And then I thought about how much I wish Mom was here, because she would come be with me and be in the delivery room, and stay with ME, and Dad could stay with Carolyn... And then I was just bawling because I miss my Mom and I hate that I have to do this without her, and I hate that again here I am doing this hard thing without Mom or my husband. Just sobbed for her not being able to meet this baby, or be here.... or any of it.

But I shook that off, and went on with my day... except that it lingered.

Went to lunch with some friends who were celebrating my birthday--one of the friends gave me a book... I pulled the book out and there it was, "Momisms." It's supposed to be a funny book full of 'Mom-type' sayings, and what they really mean. She gave it to me because I *AM* a Mom.... and I know she didn't think about me losing my Mom, but God.... it was a kick in the stomach. I flipped through, and couldn't even crack a smile. She wanted me to read some out loud, and I knew that would make me cry, so I just said, "How about if I pass it around...." How could she give ME THAT book? Ouch. There I go being ungrateful again.

Then... Dad's fiancee called... Which is so nice, and I so appreciate it. It was just a voicemail, which is probably good because I don't think I'd have held myself together--or at least the crying would have lasted a lot longer. She called and sang me happy birthday. It's a tradition in her family... And like I said, I SO appreciate it. I so do. I love that she is wanting to do this special thing for me... . But I couldn't not wish that it was Mom calling. I couldn't not cry.

I miss her. I want her to be here to help me with this deployment, and to help me with the baby. I see other women who have to go through giving birth while their husbands are deployed and almost every single time guess who comes to help? Their Moms. Who will help me? Who will hold my hand? Who will be my 'familiar person' in the delivery room since my husband can't be? It all just makes me jealous and sad. I know EVERYTHING isn't about my grief, but I don't see how I Couldn't NOT see how it touches this.

Tomorrow is 18 months since she left... I can still see her hands.... It feels like it was yesterday. It still feels like she is so real, and solid, and here, and I know it is because she is....

But I wish she was MORE here. I wish she was here here.

I miss her.

I still have these days where I just want my Mommy.

All that said (and to prove to you that I am not wallowing)--I am doing my best to have a GOOD day. My husband is here and he is baking me a birthday cake (how cool is that???). It's the first birthday that he will be home for since we were married 3 and a half years ago (that's Navy life for ya. ;)). And I am so happy about that. So excited about my cake, and celebrating together as a family tonight. I love anything 'together as a family.' Today IS special. But the sad parts... are making it weird and hard too.

I'll take the bad with the good and be grateful that that the hard parts mean that I had an amazing, wonderful mother.... She was Not perfect... . But just so GOOD.

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You shoulder so much...and handle it all so amazingly. Your name should be Grace.

I have a lot of words, but I'm not going to type any of them...because you basically already typed them.

Have as good a day as you can. But you can't feel different than you are feeling.

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((((Val)))))

Happy Birthday!

I do so understand where you are coming from. I was out with some friends for lunch at the beach, and later on in the day one of them asked me what was wrong, as I had apparently been very quiet. I was actually having a nice day with them, but I seem to just kind of sit on the periphery of the fun and laughter these days. And when I was thinking about it later, I realised that my life just feels 'heavy' now. Everything is tinged with sadness because Mum's not here, and worrying about Dad because he's on his own.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through the birth of gorgeous girl number 2 on your own - I can't imagine how difficult the idea of that must seem right now. But you know what? You'll just do it, like you've done everything else on this journey. And you'll do it well. But it sure isn't fair that you have to.....and I know its not much comfort, but don't forget that WE are always right there, holding your hand.

Love Karen

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I'm so glad you took the time to write all this out. Sometimes that helps more than anything for me.

You will hit these snags in the road. They get further in between, but they still hit you. My dad died over 25 years ago--I've spent far more of my life without him than I did with him--, and I still cry at weddings, when I see brides being given away by their dads. I hate that my kids don't know my dad, and I hate that it still bothers me at times.

You are strong, and you are handling it. When you hit those snags, lean on us. That's why we are here!

:) Kelly

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Oh, Val. I'm so moved by your post. I am saddened that you will be without two of the most important people at such a time in your life.

Please don't hold your friend's ignorance against her. People who have not experienced the depth of loss that you have do not understand the ongoing grief process. They figure that it's been long enough that you have moved on and fail to realize it's just not that simple. Sadly, at some point, they will most likely be enlightened, and will finally "get it."

Revel in your homemade birthday cake, anyway!

And remember, we here DO get it.

~Karen

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Hi Val,

Wow what a day. Talk about a rollercoaster ride with your feelings.

You post really got to me about not having your husband or mom during your delivery, but I know it will be wonderful. After all many many years ago no one was allowed in the delivery room.

I love Peggy's Happy Birthday with the musical notes.

I just want to extend my birthday wishes to you, and I really hope you are feeling better.

And your husband baking a birthday cake, how special is that. :D

Happy Birthday to you deal VAL!

Maryanne :wink:

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((((((((((((Val))))))))))))))))

What Peggy said........................Yeah.

I love you, if you decide to stay in IL as you did during Andy's last deployment I will be with you during delivery.

It would be an honor.

I could never measure up to your mom, but I could remind you how much she loves you.

P

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Val...I am so very proud to know you! As you well know, I have always marveled at what a truly amazing young woman you are. I know how many difficult times you have been through lately and it seems that it's time for only blue skies for you and your sweet little family. I so love the fact that you can still see your moms hands. Just take it one step further and you'll be able to feel those sweet hands, patting you on the shoulder and guiding you through life. don't think for a minute that your mom won't be right there with you when this beautiful new baby enters this big old world. Honey, you're never alone.

Just take a few big deep breaths and know how much you are loved by all of us on this MB.

And..........Happy Birthday!!!! I can't "sing" as well as Peggy but the wishes come from my heart!

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