Choices

[Don Wood]

My wife passed away 5 months ago. At a church gathering recently, a woman who had lost her husband several years ago said to me, "It never gets any better or easier". I was shocked at her statement and my first reaction was, "Well, that was certainly an insensitive remark", although I did not say that to her.

Well, after thinking more about it, I realized, "No! I don't buy that!" If this lady, after so much time, doesn't see circumstances better or easier, then she has made that choice. I really believe our attitude and whether we want it to be easier and better plays a part in the outcome.

I talked with my daughter about this, and we agreed that it has gotten easier and better than it was 5 months ago -- not by leaps and bounds, but moving in that direction. I know my wife is at peace and wants me at peace. I also know that I have family, friends, purpose and faith to live for, even though the hole, the scars will always be there. I have cherished memories to keep her with me. I choose to move on, to make things better, to live a new norm for me. And I am so very blessed. Don

[Connie22]

Don

I totally understand. I can relate. Life is all about choices.

Connie

[RandyW]

The path to the light and Joy and Good memories, or the path down the Dark and sorrow filled road is our choice to make. seize the moment and chose the right path. The Choice is ours to make. the memories help us make the right choices in our lives. I am so with you Don and relate. The pain gets easier but never goes completely away.

[palves]

Don, someone once told me that its not that "things will be alright", but rather things will be different.

.. its not so much that it will get easier or not, but rather that you begin to accept that they are different and begin to live in that world of difference.

Paula

[ginnyde]

Don, today is exactly 2-1/2 years since Earl died. I miss him everyday. But it is easier and I have moved on with my life. I dream about him every once and awhile and it like having a little visit with him.

But, I too believe in choices. Other people would not want to be around me if I were always weeping and telling them how hard this is. My mantra has been, it is what it is, and there is nothing I can do to change it. So for my family and friends, but mostly for me, I wake up happy, my choice.

I think that woman is hoping to gather people around her out of sympathy, I prefer they seek me out because I am fun, interesting and caring. I think you are right there with me.

[tnmynatt]

I agree with you Don. I just reached 10 months without Charlie. It still hurts, but I have chosen to be positive most of the time. I've learned through this trial, that I can be more compassionate with others going through the same things I've been through. Blessings!

[mamasbabygirl]

For me, after the shock wore off and many months later, I got to a point where I WANTED to feel better, so I totally agree with you Don.

[shirleyb]

Don,

Isn't it amazing what some people say. You and I both know that we each grieve in our own way. I also agree 100% with you in that we each choose how we are going to go on. Some choose to stay in the "oh poor me" state and some of us choose to go on and try to make the best of life. It doesn't mean we don't hurt still or feel the pain and lonelyness that comes with losing someone we love. We still feel that but we also choose to be happy again in whatever way we can. IMHO I think we honor those we have loved and lost by going on and seeing the joy that life has. I know my Randy and your Lucie would not want to see us grieving the rest of our lives because they are not "here". They would want for us to find happiness again and be able to smile and laugh.

Much love always.

Shirleyb

[sharonjo]

Don,

You are so right. I lost my husband 6 yrs ago and I lost my son a little over 1 year ago. Life has been somewhat more difficult at times and I will always feel that void of not having them here with me, but my life has been enriched in so many other ways.

My son gave us two beautiful grandsons since my husband's death, and I am now their legal guardian since my son's death. Between these boys and my 2 other sons, I find I have so much to live for! Every time I look at my youngest son, I see my husband and think about how proud he would be of his sons! My grandsons are the picture of their father and are a constant reminder of him. We have many videotapes of my husband and son at family parties and holidays, and we watch them often. They are full of happy memories for us.

Although it is sometimes overwhelming to be raising 4 boys and fighting cancer at the same time, I thank God for the challange. These boys give me a reason to get up in the morning and continue the fight! I think that some people as you have noted just choose to wallow in their grief and self-pity. It is a shame because they should be moving on and enjoying their lives.

I am glad to hear that things are starting to get easier for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

God Bless,

Sharon

[Geri]

That lady is the one we all avoid whenever possible Don, and you're the one we seek the company of constantly.

I have two friends who lost their husbands a couple of years ago. One is moving forward, she still misses him dreadfully but is still a joy to be with. The other wears her crepe very well and is constantly bemoaning the fact that she is now alone, little wonder that most people don't want to be with her.......she too has made her choice.

Geri

[karenl]

I think it is very sad that woman is still so unhappy.

And I think it is wonderful that many people are able to move on and find some joy in life again, although they still miss the presence of their loved one.

I personally wouldn't condemn the first person for the fact that she is continuing to feel her loss so acutely. Some of the above responses seem a little harsh to me.

Each one of us has different life circumstances, and a different relationship with the person we lost. I don't think it's right to judge another's grief as being 'too long' or 'too deep'. (I'm sure that I've read that statement many times on this very website )

Don, I'm so glad that you are feeling that things look brighter for you now. .

Karen

[Treebywater]

See... I sort of understand the lady's original statement. As I've said elsewhere my husband, who lost his father 7 years ago has told me, "It doesn't get easier, it just gets different." So far. I agree. I don't find it easier to be without my Mom.... but I feel different about it. I live differently. I like to say that I've learned how to walk around with this big hole in me without focusing on it all the time. I am living and going on, but it's still very much a part of me, and I can't imagine it not being.

I am very resistant to the 'getting easier' idea in general for whatever reason, but I don't think I am choosing to wallow. I do my best to deal with the 'it is what it is' factor and go on and continue seeking joy and being happy, because I know that is what Mom wants. But I still don't find it 'easier' to be without her.

I think in the end though, that's just my choice of semantics. I don't know this woman. Perhaps she is a wallower, and she has made the choice to stay in the hurt. But maybe she just uses different words too.

Regardless--Don, you are a light-bearer and a chooser of the light. Always. No doubt.

[Patkid]

I don't think I am as good as you are, Don, but I am trying.

Pat

[Ann]

Don, I completely agree with you on this. There are some people, by choice, that just don't manage to remember that they are still alive and choose to "die" with their loved one. I know that Lucie, like Dennis, would want us to enjoy life. It is so sad that this lady wasn't able to move on and accept what had happened to her husband. I also think her comment to you, knowing you had recently lost Lucie, was very insensitive.

[Nick C]

I've pondered this for a night and today.

I think I have a ping of guilt about getting "better".

I feel like I should never be the same.

But, the fact is I am coping better. I am not crying every other day (I feel guilty about that in a way.) This is the woman who loved me more than anyone, how can I not cry every day the rest of my life? But the fact is...I'm just not.

I cried on Sunday. I cried today. Tomorrow I may or may not.

I do miss her as much today as I did the day after she left. Actually more. BUT I am dealing better with it.

I'm not saying this is always to blame for "it not getting easier" but I know these are some of my feelings around it.

[Don Wood]

I was very hesitant to make the initial post, but I felt I needed to explore the issue. From the responses here, I'm glad I gave us the opportunity to "air" our thoughts and feelings on it. Thanks. Don

[Sheri]

If we have the ability to choose, we are in control. Some people need to be in control, others need guidance and could give a flip about their choices.

We should embrace all who are grieving and respect we all grieve differently. I don't think grieving processes are subject to choices.

[Don Wood]

I don't agree with you, but that is your choice.

[Treebywater]

Don, I just keep thinking about this post. Which is good, I think.

And I think I've decided that my grief is better, but the loss isn't. Does that makes sense? I don't have to weep all the time and wallow in the fact that I miss my Mom..... but the void in my life is still terrible.

I didn't think there was a distinction before. Now I am beginning to.

So I guess it *is* getting better..... but I'm not ready to say that the loss is easier or better because I'm hesitant to allow others to think that the badness of her being gone is negated in any way.

And I do have to make the choice to heal. And to be open to what this process is doing in me. Those are the choices I make, I think.

I'll quit before I ramble too much.

[Don Wood]

Hey, I like your distinction between loss and grief, and I agree. We always have the loss, but our grief can, with time, subside. I think we need to be aware that we do have choices -- some of us may arrive more quickly at that point than others -- and that is natural. But, if a person is stuck in a place, perhaps we can help them explore their options. That is really the reason for my post. I appreciate all of you expressing yourselves on this. We need to hear from all sides. Thanks again. Don

[Littlegirl]

This world is filled with people who see the glass as half full and those who see the glass as half empty, and don't like whats in the glass and would rather have a mug, etc. Some people have a better outlook in life and appreciate the time that they did get to spend with their loved one and deal with death differently. I think attitude comes into play whether your dealing with loss of a loved one or a hang nail. Don, I can tell you are a man who's glass is always half full, that you are always thankful you have a drink and that you will always share with anyone else who might be thirsty.

[Martha02]

Don,

I agree with you. If been miserable would bring them back and let's do it, but unfortunally it doesn't. I think our love one want to see us moving on and be happy. They will always be in our hearts and memories. I know that my grief is better I don't cry everyday anymore, but the loss and the void is still very much there.

Sometimes I wonder if the lost of a parent, a child, or a spouse, brother, sister, ect.. is different in the grieving process. I know that if I lost one of my kids, I don't know if I could go on, we are not meant to bury our children. Don’t get me wrong I miss and love my mom so much. And if I lost my husband, I don't know how I would feel, could I go on or not..... I don't know.

I can only tell you about the lost of a mom......

Martha

[mamasbabygirl]

There is so much involved in grief and it is worth exploring, that's why I posted a while back about "Does grief equal regret?"

I think that the amount of time we are given to come to terms with LC (or any other illness) and the possible loss and what we do during that time makes a difference too. For instance, Don and I both had time to come to grips with what our loved ones were facing and the possible loss and we used the time to enjoy our loved ones. On the other hand, Val and Nick, you both had a very short amount of time to deal with the idea that this might happen and perhaps also left you with alot of questions and what ifs. When I lost my hubby unexpectantly, I was in complete shock for months and constantly questioning "what if" and "why"ing everything.

I guess I am rambling too. Unfortunately, I have lost the two great loves of my life (hubby and mama), but fortunately, I feel like I have wisdom to share on the grief subject. It helps me still to pick it all apart. K, I'll stop now

[Nick C]

I think this is a rambly type subject...

Grief is not a straight line. There is no map.

And that's what makes it so complex and hard to figure out.

I would never hesitate to post something (except a link to pics of angelina jolie...a little joke in the grieving section, poor taste, sorry). It's a public forum. And needs to address a variety of things to be of any use. We could all post how much we hate Lung Cancer...but there is more than that. And we should explore all of it.

[stand4hope]

I have posted here twice and deleted it both times.

I agree - in part.

I disagree - in part.

On this part, I agree: We have choices and those that just continue on and and on and on for years and never getting better have made a choice to be miserable. Miserable they shall remain unless they choose at some point to get better.

On this part, I don't agree: When someone is deep in a dark hole of despair, there doesn't appear to be a choice. I know, I know - there is a choice, but I said there doesn't "appear" to be a choice. If no choice "appears", then that's the same as there being no choice to the person in despair. Been there - done that!

In my case, I did not get better quickly. The first months were just a shock state for me. The next months went steadily downhill in attitude, despair, depression and any thoughts of my life ever being good again. I still had the desire to get better and I did not EVER whine around my friends and kept my despair to myself. No one knew until I sought help, and my real healing did not begin until a close friend gave me a book that opened my eyes and brought sunshine back into my life.

So, it's been 23 years since I lost my baby, and I'm ok; 10-20 years since I lost my in-laws and I'm ok, 7 years since I lost my mom and I'm ok, 4 years since I lost my grandma and I'm ok, and 2 1/2 years since I lost my dad and I'm sort of ok.

Now, a few months ago, it was more than a year since my husband of 38 years, lover, soulmate, best friend, provider, and the man I was incredibly dependent upon died, and I STILL WAS NOT BETTER. I was getting worse and worse, and I did not "CHOOSE" to get worse! I just could not "see" any hope of getting better OR reason to get better. I needed help to see that there was a choice.

Today, 18 months later, I am still not ok, but I am better, and will continue to get better because I "choose" to get better.

Love to all,

Peggy