still grieving and now my sister is diagnosed

[Trish]

Well, I haven't posted much but I still read the boards almost everyday. When I first started here, I read about Ginny and Earl and today I read that it has been almost 3 years since he passed. I realized that maybe I should post some of my recent griefs and maybe the dark cloud over my family might lift.

Where do I start? My dad started dating this lady in December and gave her an engagement ring 2 weeks before the one year anniversary of my moms death (march 16, 2006). This threw the whole family into "defense" mode. He was to wait for an annulment to come through before they married. Then, my 34 year old sister noticed a lump under her arm and in her breast. She was diagnosed with breast cancer at the beginning of June. She and I are both school teachers so this was just at the beginning of our summer. My sister has a one year old and a three year old. She went to Cleveland Clinic and had surgery and the tumors and lymph nodes removed. She is Stage 2A but has Grade 3 aggressive breast cancer that is triple negative (not affected by estrogren). She is doing dose dense chemo and started August 3rd. My Dad and this lady got married by a mayor on my sister's first chemo day. He swears he didn't know but the fact that this lady has never respected my sister or brother or my feelings about our mother passing. Everyone is fighting and my dad says he just wants to live and have this lady quit her job and get on his insurance. He is retired from GM. He said we would be invited when the annulment went through and they were married in the church yet none of us knew they were planning on getting married Aug. 3rd. My sister had her 2nd chemo Friday and is fighting for her life. I'm helping with her and her kids as are her husbands family who live out of town. My brother got into a fight with Dad and they won't speak and my sister is devastated and I didn't speak to him for 4 days and then told him I didn't want to fight and that we needed him. Does anyone want to chime in here or is it obvious? My sister is my best friend next to my husband. My mom was always my best friend but my sister and I have become very close and now all of this. I'm sorry to vent and maybe I should delete this post. Am I expecting too much that this woman would apoligize or my dad? It has been 2 weeks and they feel they have done nothing wrong. My sister's hair is coming out and I'm supposed to go over and shave it tomorrow. We start school in one week and I feel like the "normal" family that my mom held together is turning into the Jerry Springer show! I don't want to lose my Dad , as if that hasn't already happened, though he says nothing has changed, and my sister needs me and my husband and my 2 kids.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to write it down because it just doesn't seem real or possible.

Trish

[Welthy]

Oh ((((Trish)))),

Of course you should come here and unburden yourself! My goodness, you have such a full plate and so many emotions whipping around you, I'm surprised you can keep it together at all. I'm so very sorry about your sister's diagnosis, but she has a good advocate with you by her side.

As for your father? I've never understood how men can be such jack-rabbits when it comes to dating/marrying so soon after the loss of a spouse, but some do.

Stay focused on what is important and come back frequently because there are so many here who very wise and care a lot. I've never been in this position, so I can't offer advice, but I am willing to lend an ear, send a hug, or just pray for good things for you and your sister.

Welthy

[wendyr]

Trish I am so sorry to learn of your sister's bc. When all is said and done that, and the treatment, is the most important thing. You are obviously a tremendous support for her, and rightly so as she is your sister.

Your father has decided to live his life on his terms and unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. All the fighting in the world is not going to change his point of view. Sounds harsh, I know, but it is what it is.

I learned many years ago that I cannot change people. I can only control my reaction to them. Sometimes easier said than done but with practice, and time, you will learn to control your reactions.

Sometimes we get caught up in our expectations of people and when they let us down we're devastated. Please do not let this happen to you. Try to focus entirely on your sister as she is the one in need. In time your father may come around, or he may not, only time will tell. You, in the meantime, are taking the high road and everything will eventually work itself out one way or another. Please continue to post and let us know how we can help you. Good Luck & God Bless..........wendyr

[RandyW]

On behalf of the Jack Rabbits, sometimes guys are just needing to be the ones taken care of. IT comes from years of being co-dependant on our wives, and when they pass we feel the needs in order for our lives to go on. Some of us are a little more independant. SOme days I do miss the hugs and I love yous and other days I can be like oh well I am fine on my own.. I do my own laundrya dn take care of my house cleaning by myself. IT all depends on the individual person. Co-dependants need caretakers to survive. Sometimes the caretaker is not the obvious choice.

Trish I have no advice. But I can always and will always listen. Let it out. THat is half of the battle. If it stays bottled up inside you will go crazy from all the stress. Please take care of yourself in light of all this. THis is a great first step in doing that.

Prayers for strength peace and Comfort tonite and always...

[Welthy]

Randy,

You know I said only "some" men do this and I'm speaking in terms of outrageous time frames. (What crossed my mind was my girlfriend's husband who started talking about other women within a week after her death and started dating four months out.)

You're no jack-rabbit, you're a sweet lil' bunny! In some respects you are right, although I've never looked at marriage as co-dependency, but a loving working partnership. It's funny because my neighbor and I just had this very same conversation about men this morning! I guess some of us women folk spoil some of you men folk too much.

Welthy

[Ry]

Trish-

Your priority right now is your sister, her family, and getting her through this. I know you are hurt and upset about your dad, but try to set that aside for a little while and concentrate on her. Let all the emotions, the hurt and issues with your dad remarrying go to the back burner and just be there for your sister. That's where your mind and heart need to be. When she is out of the woods, then you can focus on how to repair the relationship with your dad.

[MomsGirl]

Trish,

My heart was pounding reading your post, I cannot imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you are experiencing right now. I could get going on the dad situation, but I will defer to the others and agree that your #1 priority now is your sister and helping her through this. I know if I were you and I even started to think too much about the dad thing I might go right off the tracks! Stay the course and continue to be the wonderful and supportive sister you are. You are amazing to have risen above it so far, and your sister is very lucky.

You are NOT crazy in any of the feelings you have, and sometimes it is shocking and hurtful how things pan out after you lose your mom. I think we've all experienced a little or a lot of this, and your description of the Jerry Springer show is not far off in some cases...

But I digress...I will just say that I have two sisters that are my best friends, and I had tears in my eyes thinking about what you are going through. Helping with her kids, helping her through chemo, those are the most meaningful things you can do for her right now.

She can fight this and win! Have faith, Trish. I am sending out prayers and hugs tonight...

[gail]

Oh Trish!!!

A teacher, a sister, AND a breast cancer survivor here.

There is too much on your plate, but the plate is there in front of you.

I cannot begin to tell you how much I leaned on my sisters through my breast cancer and chemo. Can you try to enlist her neighbors to help, especially with the kids??? People not involved with cancer don't know what to do. Reach out to them and ask. A neighbor picked up my kid every morning for school.

Your sister is a teacher? My school does dinners when someone is hospitalized/recovering.

hugs and more hugs

gail

[RandyW]

THis may help alleviate sopme stress from Caregiver side and is a free service..

http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/

PRAYERS FOR ALL THIS MORNING..

[Maryanne]

Hi Trish,

Don't you ever think of deleting a post when you need to vent. That is what we are here for!

You have been through so much since the passing of your mom. You just want this rollercoaster ride to end and da*n that is very understandable. You would like some "normalcy" back in your life. It's just been one thing after another.

Right now, which was mentioned in some posts here, your sister is the #1 priority. Your dad seems to be okay on his own without his kids. The marriage was his choice and "it is what it is". Is it fair that he did not wait? Who is to say... Men need a woman its as simple as that. I just wish he was more upfront about his plans.

Keep in contact with you dad. As we only have one and one day he will be gone also.

I feel bad about your brother breaking off from you dad but hopefully that will be resolved in the future.

I am sorry for all this family stuff you are facing. But you are strong and you are doing everything right.

Keep a positive attitude and take one day at a time. Also do not forget to always have some Trish time.

Great hearing from you. I hoped the news would be better.

Please keep us posted.

Maryanne

[dtay]

Hi Trish - what a life it is isnt it - just when you think things cant get any worse something else jumps up and slaps you in the face. You sound like a strong person tho and you and your sister must have a great relationship - she is the important one right now. Thinking of you both at this time and praying for a full recovery for your sister.

Randy - what a fab guy you are, and you can do the housework too !!!!!

xxx

[Nancy B]

Trish, prayers for you and your sister.

God Bless,

Nancy B

[kaneohegirl]

I think in this case it sounds alot like the parent is of the opinion that you kids are all adults and it is not his need/place to have to get your approval or permission.

if things were as important to you or your sister then perhaps in the future you will consider putting things in writing to emphasize the importance.

having gone thru things with your mom he may not have wanted the reminder of it by acknowledging your sisters chemo.

in the mean time the woman is his wife. I would in some way try to make friends with her... she isnt gonna go away anytime soon

Ohhh an yes pissed of is totally OK you have a right to be but look at it from his side to...or better yet sit down and talk to them and have a big family meeting and air it all out

[Suzie Q]

Trish, So sorry for the ton of bricks you have had dumped on you!

Regarding your dad, I am going to go against the flow and play devil's advocate here. Try to keep in mind that while he lost his life-mate, his loss is quite different from yours. He met someone and fell in love again; you cannot have another mother. It's not that one is worse or more painful than the other, they are just different types of loss. And so, his ability to move into a new relationship may seem shocking and disrespectful to you and your siblings, but to him, it is simply a matter of what he neds to live fully. He IS moving on. That doesn't mean he does not still love or miss your mom, and he really doesn't need your approval of his new relationship, though I'm sure he would like to have it. Yet, while they probably could have been more open with their plans, had they done so, it would not have gone over well anyway.

Of course, I know nothing of your familiy's dynamics. Don't waste your life waiting for apologies you think someone owes you. Life's too short for that. It's done; accept it and move on. How intimidating it must be for your dad's new wife to have all of his children against her! Give her a chance.

But you definitely should concentrate on helping your sis through her cancer battle. Do what you can, and be good to yourself, too.

hugs,

Karen

[Trish]

Thank you all for your responses!

My sister called on Sunday and asked me to come over and get it over with--her was coming out in clumps and she just wanted it shaved off. She had me shave it in a mowhawk first and then take a picture. She figured this would be the only time she would do that. Then I shaved the rest off and she had me take a picture of her "bald" head and one with her new wig on. It was an emotional day but it also empowered her by making the choice to take the hair off before it came out. She is a teacher too and thought it would be good to go to school with the wig on the first day back with teachers. She thinks she feels better bald or with a hat and isn't sure what she will continue to wear. Her kids weren't quite sure either.

Back to the situation with my Dad, I can see both sides. I realize my Dad doesn't need our permission but I kind of think the lady (being a woman and all) knows how hurt we all are and how their actions affect our family. We tried the sit down with my Dad and talk about it after he gave her the engagement ring after 2 months of dating her. He didn't want to talk about it or about the fact that this lady was doing nothing to try to not get us to like her, but communicate with us in anyway, even when we were there. If I was dating someone who had lost their spouse and had children and grandchildren, I would go out of my way to be friendly and try to fit in. There has been none of the above. She has two adult children who are married and an ex husband who is disabled with a mental problem and she says she supported them for 34 years. Now, she got married to my dad on August 3rd, they traded in my moms 2 year old car and this ladys car and my dad bought her a new envoy and now this week he tells me she is quitting her job and getting on his benefits. She is 59 and my dad is 64. Okay, obviously, I'm obsessing.

Meanwhile my sister had to deal with going into school the first day with her new wig and put her l and 3 year old in a new preschool center and found out she will be teaching off of a cart! A phone call from a father would be nice, wouldn't the new wife suggest this?

Sorry to vent again--My husband and I had open house at school tonight for my 8 and 10 year old so it's back to the hectic life!

We have enlisted extra meals from friends and my aunt and sister in law and me so they have meals in the freezer.

I really appreciate your thoughts and suggestions. Guess I need to get over it and move on and focus totally on my sister. Why do I feel like I've lost my Dad too even though he says things aren't going to change although they have changed in the way he treats us and I do want him to be happy. I don't know much these days, seems like my mom would have known what to do or say to him and he wouldn't have argued with her!

Thanks again,

Trish

[Trish]

bump!

[wendyr]

Vent away Trish, we're here to listen. Keep the focus on your sister, her family & yourself & you'll be just fine. God Bless

wendyr

[MomsGirl]

Trish...

I'm trying so hard to take the high road, keep my big mouth closed and stay out of this, but...I just want you to know I get it. The whole thing with your dad, I mean. And yes, you have a right to be upset. Despite his needs or his point of view, he is a grown man and has common sense...and frankly at this point, albeit temporarily, should put his family first, and know very well that certain things are transpiring that may make the family extra-sensitive. Maybe it is because I have seen my husband go through this with his dad (to a lesser degree, although his dad was looking at other women within two weeks of his mom's passing, and when he did marry soon after there was a yard sale for his mom's things without any notification of family members). I've read some similar stories on this site, and frankly I've dealt with some surprising insensitivity on my dad's part since my mom passed away. To the point where my sisters and I marvel at the level to which my mom shielded us, and the level to which she kept him in check on some basic common sense things. It's like now that she's gone, he sometimes acts like a 10-year-old kid in some situations and doesn't know any better.

As usual, I digress. I am in no way encouraging you to focus on this instead of your sister, or to get into it with your dad (in my situation I grit my teeth and keep smiling, b/c as my husband says, you only have him for so long) - but I did want to offer you some support on that end of things and let you know I do get it.

Hang in there, and prayers and hugs to you and yours!

[Mskim]

I like Michele have a hard time staying away from this. My step father remarried 1 year and one day after moms death but was engaged just 3 months after her death. I learned (in my case) that blood is thicker than water.

His actions over the last year and a half have, in my opinion, been self centered and selfish. I never wanted him to stay single or sad or unhappy, but the way he moved so quickly without regard to anyone hurt us all and prolonged much needed healing. He shoved it down our throats when we were still trying to digest the enormity of not just our mother being gone but her house and her things too. He got rid of it all. He even traded moms car in on one for the new woman. SHe has a teenage son who is no the new owner of my moms laptop!

I too should keep my mouth shut, and everyone has the right to life liberty and the persuit of happiness until the way they go about it hurts others, especially those they call daughter.

I need to add that my step dad is a peculiar kind of guy anyway, with poor communication skills... saying things TO ME such as: Everything is so different with Sue, she doesn't even take her teeth out at night! and my new favorite... Sue and I have had the best conversations of MY LIFE.

He also needs to get off the phone very quickly if mom is even mentioned.

I do want to say though how happy I am for those of you who have sisters, and I pray that yours will be healthy again soon. My parents are gone and I have a far away brother who is 5 years older and not very fond of me so it is a very lonely road to be an adult orphan. If there is anything you can do to save your relationship with your dad, even if it just a phone call a week to keep in touch and let him know you love him, do it. Someday, when the pain is not so fresh, you will all be okay.

[Larry]

There is a verse in the Bible and i can not recall where but when a remark was made about something the answer given i thought is still so right for so many of us and that answer was>>>>This too shall pass<<<<.Your family right now is under so much strain and pressure that i feel that the infighting only amplifies everything else and pray that this too shall pass.......