Beyond the pale (updated 4-27)

[Larry's Wife]

Goodness. I don’t even know where to start. My son is troubled. Honestly, he’s been troubled for a long time…and I’ve had blinders on.

A few months after Larry was diagnosed with terminal cancer, Nick committed a crime. He entered a diversion program for first time offenders. He seemed to be remorseful, worked hard and graduated from the program. I really thought (hoped) he was “rehabilitated”.

Yes, I’ve had problems with him since Larry died. Not wanting to go to school and getting poor grades. I tried to talk to him about it. He never had anything to say. I suggested counseling. He didn’t want to talk to anyone but me. But he wasn’t talking to me, either. The very day I was arranging for a mentor for him, the police came to my workplace to show me a video...he committed another crime. And the police suspect him in a few more, so at this point, I’m not sure what all we are facing here.

Of course, I am devastated. And angry. And mortified. And guilt-ridden. And sad. And, and, and...

I have obtained a placement for him in a home for troubled youth. It’s Christian-based. Heavy on love and counseling. It’s not a boot camp by any means. Their goal is healing hurts and to put families back together. They offer individual counseling for each of us and we will attend family counseling together. He’ll be there for a year to 18 months.

Of course, the judge doesn’t even know what I’ve done yet. I have a letter asking him to assign Nick to their program. They say that they have a good rapport with the judicial system, so I’m praying that it will work out. From my understanding, the judge could order Nick to be held in juvenile detention for as little as 21 days or until he’s 24 years old, if he doesn’t agree to assign him to the program I have selected. But I know in my heart that juvenile detention will not solve our problems.

How can I live without my son? He’s all I have! But if I don’t do this, I’ve lost him already. I’m not willing to give up on him and I’m not willing to give up on being a family. This is the last thing I can do for Nick before he is on his own. But is it the right thing? I’m putting all my eggs in this basket and it frightens the hell out of me.

I’m scared. Larry would NEVER have agreed to this. But he’s not here and I feel so alone. I know that Nick needs more help than I can provide. But this is just so hard.

[Muriel]

Lynn, I am so sorry that you have to deal with this now. I don't really have any advice, but I do think you've done the right thing. Please let us know how things are working out.

(((Lynn)))

Muriel

[RandyW]

Lynn I am not an expert at parenting. because I don't have kids. But this sounds like the right thing to do NOW!!! I think Nick acted out because of Dads Death. Sounds like some depression in there also. I know this is hard to do but You did the right thing under the circumstances. You ahve to protect kids from themselves I think. You are doing what you have to do and that is what matters. I hope and Pray Nick gets the guidance and support in this program that he needs to have right now. Hugs and Prayers for You!!!

[Larry's Wife]

Muriel and Randy, I really appreciate the votes of confidence. I'm flying by the seat of my pants right now. And that's not how I'm used to doing things.

Including the end days with Larry, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to face. My mom and my church have been super-supportive, but, to be honest, I'm a basket case right now.

[Bruce u]

Hang in there Lynn. I understand that things look difficult right now but from what you are saying, my opinion is that you are heading in the right direction. The choice you made may be difficult but not doing anything and something else happening would be worse. I think you are showing your love and dedication by trying to help Nick even though it is causing you so much pain. Nick has had alot going on in his life in the last while.

[Flyman35]

Lynn - Been there done that and my heart goes out to you.

I have an almost identical story with Christy. She committed crimes and was put into the Sheriff's Work Alternative Program (S.W.A.P). I had also made the decision to place her in a residential treatment center run by Catholic Charities. She was there just over a year and graduated High School while there. We had lots of counseling and although she resisited at first she finally gave in and went with the program.

She still has her issues but I don't belive she would even be where she is now without having done that. She certainly would have done time if not still doing time.

I believe that even though Christy did not lose her father to death he has been absent in her life since she turned 18. She is still depressed over this as he to this day has ignored her and she is turning 22 next week.

I definitely support you in this decision and I pray that the judge agrees to place him there and NIck gets the help he needs.

((((Lynn))))

Denise

[SandraL]

Oh Lynn. My heart goes out to you and Nick. Neither of you needed this right now. I also think that you are doing the right thing, however difficult that may be. I will pray that all will work out.

Sandra

[recce101]

Lynn, I'm convinced you're doing the right thing, and I believe the judge will see it your way too.

And Denise, bless you for so openly sharing your experience and wisdom.

Aloha,

Ned

[Larry's Wife]

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. Things look so dark right now. It helps to hear that I am on the right track.

Denise, thank you. Your voice of experience rings clear. Of course, I want a miracle, but if Nick benefits from this as Christy did, I'll be grateful.

Love you all!!

Lynn

[jaminkw]

Lynn,

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this at any time but especially so soon after Larry's passing. It's o.k. to be angry but try to put aside the embarrassment and guilt. It's nobody's fault. There are so many influences on kids over which parents have little or no control. And anyone who is worth anything in your life will not judge but will support you in your attempts to turn this around.

I agree, Nick is not going to benefit from detention. Your plan for him sounds harsh but this is a serious situation calling for drastic measures. As a former counselor, I agree with what you propose and hope the judge concurs. It's too easy to fake "doing counseling" unless Nick is in a controlled environment where skilled counselors can do their job without outside contamination.

Judy in Key West

[Nick C]

I think a change is warranted. And the one you've chosen sounds like it is a solid choice.

I know it is hard. It is a huge sacrifice on your part. But you know it is the right thing. I really hope it works out.

[Ann]

Lynn.... Such a very lot to of pain to have to deal with in such a short time. My heart reaches out to you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help and remember I'm only about 1 hour away. I think you're making the right decision for your son and I think the judge will approve since you are being very proactive with this matter.

Ann

[Patti B]

((((Lynn)))

My heart just breaks for you. When I was first dx'd, my Nick was reacting in out of control behavior, too, altho he never did any crimes, just letting his grades slip, got into a fight after school, starting hanging out with kids that I was not crazy about. It took a lot of talking to get him straightened back up again. I took him to a counseling program for teenagers but he didn't want to go back because all the kids were girls whose moms had breast cancer and he said he couldn't relate. I honestly believe if it wasn't for his swimming, he would have gotten in much more trouble than he did. And things have been good for about a year and a half now, altho he just recently told me that he wouldn't mind "talking" to someone. So I am going to set him up with an appt with a child psychologist. I haven't asked him what he wants to say, and I won't, I just want him to be helped.

My Nicks grades are good again, he had an awesome year in swimming, hes working, driving and hanging out with much better kids now.......but I wonder what will happen if something happens to me. With my husband gone all week, Nick and I have always been so close - its scary.

I do believe that I too would use the tough love approach on my Nick if it came to that. And yes, it would break my heart to have him gone. But life is so different from when we were kids - they can get into so much more trouble.

If you ever need to talk as one parent of a teenage boy to another, PM or email me.

I am sending strength your way.

Hugs - Patti B.

[Barbb]

No matter the child's age it is devastating to lose a parent. My daughter was 27 when Rod died. She will not talk to me about it

but she talks to her therapist. Someone "outside" and with that training is more able to help Nick. He must be hurting so much. I'm with the others, this is the right move. You will get your son back.

love to you, Barb

[fillise]

Lynn,

You know we will be here for you as you travel down this unwelcome road. It sounds like you are making hard, but sound decisions. You can't second guess yourself at this point or even wonder if Larry would approve. I suspect that he would ultimately trust your judgement in the situation. At any rate--on this end of it, 12-18 months seems like a very long time. But 10 or 15 years from now, when your son has come back to you and grown into the responsibilities of manhood (perhaps even fatherhood), it will seem like a worthy sacrifice.

Until then, we are here for you. Anytime.

Susan

[Larry's Wife]

Thank you all for the encouragement. I'm sure this is going to be a difficult journey for the both of us.

[Larry's Wife]

Well, Nick's there. My mom and I took him out to lunch and then headed over. We met the school principal. They have two boys houses. We met both house fathers. Everybody was gentle but honest with him.

Nick and his bags were searched. Then we went into his new home. It's very nice. No more than 6 boys to a house. Two bedrooms-each has a single and a bunk bed. Plenty of closet space and drawers for his stuff. Beautiful view of the lake from the patio doors.

They explained quite a few of the rules. Honestly, not too bad, but for an "independent" boy like mine, I'm sure he'll be receiving "discipline" quite frequently at first. Nothing I would object to. Mostly an escalating loss of privileges.

The questions he kept asking over and over again were: how long will I be here? Mom, will you take me out of here if I don't like it? The answers he got varied from "it depends on you" to "several months" to "whenever you graduate from the program" (from staff), to "let's just see how it goes" (from me).

They let us have some time alone. He didn't want to talk too much, other than the same questions. I told him that I would never intentionally do anything to harm him, and that I thought this would help both of us. He had a tear or two and my voice broke once or twice, but we held it together for the most part.

I was invited to call tomorrow to see how he is doing. Plus I'll be there for Parenting Class in the evening. So, we're on our way...

...and my heart is broken and hopeful, both at the same time.

[SandraL]

What a tough day for both of you Lynn but it sounds like it went as well as could be expected. You are doing the right thing and only good can come from it. May your heart mend as you travel this journey. Know that I am thinking of you and praying for the best.

Sandra

[RandyW]

Hopeful for both of you as well !!! Prayin for success!!

[Nick C]

Sounds very hopeful.

[Patti B]

((((Lynn))))

Praying that this turns out for the best for everyone.

I will be thinking of you.

Hugs - Patti B.

[fillise]

((((Lynn))))

[Janet B]

Sending lots of hugs and prayers.