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ASHAMED!!


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I am so ashamed of myself that I have a hard time writing today. The Hospice nurses seem to think that mom has mets in the brain. Mom has been out of control about 80% of the time. They tell me that she will just get worse.

So, I have decided to send her to a rest home. I had to send my kids away because she is violent at times and they have seen her try to bust out my windows and they don't need more of it.

Hospice quit the continuose care. They just come in once a week now and I can't do this alone. I stay up all night with her and my boyfriend was in a motorcycle accident saturday and is in ICU. He had 7 hours of surgery to his face on saturday night. So I go and see him when I can. He understands that I have mom to take care of, but the nurses at the ICU say he yells for me all the time.

The visiting hours are limited in there, but the doctor put an order that I can visit when ever I get there. It calms Tommy down for me to be there and the nurses can't handle him if I don't. He gets very aggitated.

Mom is so close to going and so far away at the same time. I feel like a monster most of the time now. I beg people to come and sit for an hour so I can go to the hospital and get away from her. She says that I am trying to kill her and that I have her strapped down. She will try to get people to take her out of here.

So that's what's going on. I have given up, I can't do it anymore. Pray that god will forgive me.

I'm sorry mommy.

Renee

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Renee,

I'm so saddened that things have taken this turn. Think of your kids and do what you have to do. If your mom was thinking clearly, she would do the same thing. Try not to beat yourself up right now as it seems like a desperate and impossible situation you are in. Being pulled in all directions and your moms unstable condition. Your shoulders weren't meant to carry this load alone! If she is going into a care facility then they will understand and know how to take care of her. They will have the expertise and experience that we as family members don't. Before she became so ill, your mom knew how much you did for her and how much you loved her. Don't doubt that.

You and your family will continue to be in our prayers.

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I just feel like I am giving up.... that I shouldn't quit so soon. I keep thinking as soon as they get her in there she will die and it will be to late.

I am so ashamed of myself right now. I wish that I was stronger.

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Renee we are all here for you AND you should not feel bad for having to take charge of your life too. (especially with your boyfriend...so sorry to hear about that!!) It sounds like she is a lot to handle for one person right now!!! I do not think you should feel guilty at all, you have done so much for your mom!!! I think she wished she could not be acting the way she is...it does sound like it would be in the brain and having a degree in psych and taking sooo many classes about the brain and moods. I know you wouldn't but nothing she does you should take personal or to heart it is all beyond her control. I am sending my banana to give you a great big hug cause you need one!!! Hang in there please. and I hope your boyfriend is ok!!!!! and you are an AWESOME daughter and she is lucky to have you.

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Renee-

My heart is breaking for you and I am crying as I write this. You have been so very strong and brave through this and now you just plain NEED SOME HELP. You have NOTHING to be ashamed about - those caring for your Mom will know what to do. You are constantly in my prayers, but even more so right now. God bless you and your family. I wish I could be there to help you and give you some support. I am sure you know that everyone on this board is here for you. Take care of your family, and I will say an extra prayer for your boyfriend's recovery.

Terrie

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Dear Darlin Renee,

Reading your message brings back memories for me when I was taking care of my mom. :cry: Oh Sweetie, you have NOTHING to be ASHAMED OF!!! NOTHING!!! My mom lived with me her last days, however after going with no sleep for 8 days in a row, it got the best of me! I too had to put my mom in a nursing home. I felt just like you do, like I didn't do enough or do the (right) thing. WRONG!!! My mom got nasty too! Not because she wanted to, or could help it, but it honestly took it's toll on me as well. When we were transporting her to the nursing home, my sisters told me to ride with her, so I did! (bad thing to do!) Well, on the way to the nursing home my mom looked at me and said, "HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME"!! My heart hit the floor! The look on her face was UNREAL when she said that to me. But, I know I did the best I could and I know that wasn't my MOM talking to me, but the medicines she was on.

Hon, you can only do what you can with what you have. And your only ONE PERSON!! Please don't feel ashamed of loving and caring for your mom the best you can? And YES you do need to take a break from her now and then. That is SOOOO important to do! She won't love you any less for that.

I am soooo sorry to hear about your boyfriend as well. Sounds to me like you need a RENEE DAY!!! OR EVEN A RENEE HOUR OR SOOOO! ((((RENEE))))))

Take care my dear, and remember, there is only ONE GOD, and he doesn't expect you to pinch hit for him. Your doing a wonderful JOB!

(((((((((((((((((((((((RENEE))))))))))))))))))))))

Warm and Gentle Hugs,

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Oh Dear Sweet Renee,

My heart goes out to you. I agree with everything that has been said here. I am also sorry that her illness is taking over so strongly. You are a wonderfull daughter and you have given so much. I also agree when you say that she is so close to going but still so far away. When she gets into the care center you will still be with her but just not have to do it all by your self. I think of you often and wonder how things are going for you. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

Thinking of you,

((((HUGS))))) Shelly

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Guest canuckwebgrrl

Renee,

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did, and still are doing the very best you can for your mother. We all know this, and you will too. Keep strong! (((((HUGS)))))

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Dear Renee,

When my father-in-law last visited, it took 4 of us to take care of him and I realized that we needed more help. Sometimes we just have to face that we can no longer care for our elderly, fragile parents the way they need to be cared for.

It sounds like you have made a very loving decision with your Mother's best interests in your heart. You have placed her in a safe environment with professionals who know how to care for people at this stage of life.

I encourage you not to waste any of your precious time feeling guilty about your decision. Instead put all your energy into visiting your Mother and your boyfriend and taking care of your children. I'm a Mom with lung cancer and this is the advice I would give my daughter.

I am thinking about you Renee.

Ada

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Thanks to all for your advice, I just assumed that no one else had to put there loved ones in a rest home. That they had stuck it out, glad to hear that I'm not the only one.

The social worker called today and said that they are still working on getting her in. ... they think it still may be a day or two. I need to get to the hospital to see Tommy..

They took him off of the respirator today, don't know if I said that before or not. anyway. he can open his eyes now and try to talk. It's hard to understand him because of the injuries to his face, but I can understand when he says "I love you". I am so lucky that I didn't loose him. Don't know what I would have done then.

I laugh at him when he talks about those nurses comming in and looking under his gown....lol.... I told him "that's okay,,,,, as long as you don't enjoy it". I plan on taking him some boxer shorts today.

Mom keeps arguing with me so I better get off of here. She thinks that I am doing something to hurt her when I am on the computer so I try to stay off of it.

Thanks again to all....

Renee

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Renee,

Don't forget to take care of yourself. Most of the time when I'm feeling crappy, I realize it's because I've been neglecting myself. In order to be able to take care of others, we need to look after ourselves as well. I know it's not easy, but please try not to feel guilty for that.

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Renee, I am so sorry you have all this going on in your life right now. Putting your mother where she can be cared for is a loving thing. We put Lucie;s mother in a nursing home 14 years ago because Lucie was just not physically able to care for her. Sometimes, we need to recognize we are not superman or wonder woman. It is good you sent the kids off, and you need to remember, if you let the circumstances with your mother wear you down, you will be no use to your kids, your boyfriend or yourself. That is reality. As mahy have said, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your mother is not in her right mind, so you have to forgive what she says and does. I hope you will find time for yourself now and then. We all need that. And I pray your boyfriend will heal rapidly. You need less stress in your life, and more support. We are all here to walk with you. Don

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Renee -

Oh man can I sympathize!

WHILE I've been going thru my own cancer battle, I've also been living with my mom, who has pretty severe Parkinson's Disease, to help my sister who lives right on the block take care of her.

I had NO friggin' clue what I was getting in to. I'm feeling very healthy, and back at work (sister tends to her needs during the day), but I have to come straight home from work now, and can't leave the house for more than 3 hours straight on the weekends.

I find myself getting very angry with the situation = "I went thru chemo and radiation, and now THIS is my life?!?" It's VERY frustrating.

I have discussed with my sister about putting her in a home, but she won't hear of it...............

You've got a lot on your plate missy.

I keep telling my sister (older) that if mom WERE in her right mind, she would NEVER want it to be this way. And I'm sure your mom's anger is a combination of the drugs and frustration with herself also.

Spend some time on yourself, your kids and your Honey...

Good luck,

SandyS

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Oh, Renee, you have nothing to be ashamed of and EVERYTHING to be proud of. You have done, and continue to do, right by your mom from the beginning.

Right now, she is just not herself. And there is nothing that she or you could do about it. In a nursing home she will be cared for and safe. Your children need you, and your boyfriend...and YOU need YOU! Try to take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up. You are doing the right thing.

Just remind yourself and your children of what your mom is really like, what her personality and soul are REALLY like. Her acting out can put you and your kids, and HER in danger. Your mom would understand...she loves you...and always will. Please take care, and keep us posted. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care, Deb

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Renee,

DON'T FEEL GUILTY. Your mom doesn't know what she is doing. Your helping your mom by placing her where people know how to take care of her. She will be fine.

You need to take care of yourself. So sorry about your boyfriend.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Rosanne

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Renee,

I'm so sorry to hear about your boyfriends accident and that you are feeling quilty about your MOM. But you did the right thing for her and you are a wonderful and loving daughter! I am praying for you and thinking about you.

Take care of yourself too.

Laurie

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Renee,

I am very sorry to hear about your boyfriend's accident, and that your mom is having such a hard time. :(

Like the others have said, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. It doesn't sound to me like you've "given up on her". If anything you were smart enough to recongize that you can't give her the best care, which she deserves, all alone. You sought help so that she does have the best care. That is a loving and intelligent decision. Your mom I'm sure would completely understand if she was able to think things through like her old self, like her true self. The cancer and the drugs distort her behavior and her logic, it isn't really her saying those things. Remember that, and don't take the negativity to heart.

You are a loving daughter :!: Your mom loves you :!: If she knew what things were going to be like before she got really sick, I'm sure she would have told you that she loves you too much to want to see you suffering, feeling guilty, feeling ashamed, and wearing yourself out to the point of illness. You can't sacrifice all of your life for hers. That doesn't do anyone any good. You need to take care of yourself so you can better take care of her, your boyfriend, and your children.

I am praying HARD for you and your family.

Carleen

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Renee - Of course you love your mother and because you love her, you're trying to get her the best care you can. In this case, that's a nursing home. One thing to think about, this stuff can cause a lot of anger, anxiety and/or depression. Perhaps your mom could use some medication for that. Perhaps you could mention that to the doctors at the nursing home.

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