Delicate post // people wanting stuff

[kimblanchard]

*** July 21 - I am going to edit this down to remove details, as I am sitting here just thinking how much trouble there could be if certain people read this post. So - is something stresses you out, stop doing it, if you can. Or in this case, remove the stressor. You all have been wonderful, I think I can handle this situation now.

____________________

The situation involved people anticipating property that belongs to my husband, although he is still with us and hopefully will be for a long time.

Thanks again.

[kimblanchard]

I did have to deal with some of that, but only after Becky had died. And even that I had to deal with wasn't that bad. Becky loved to make crafts, especially crochet, and so almost everybody close to us had a blanket or tablecloth or something else that she had made.

But we did inherit a lot of our furniture from Becky's parents; they divorced right about the time Becky was moving out of college and neither of them wanted a lot of the stuff from their house together. Now, eleven years later, they did want a lot of it back. But they were very cool about it, and made it clear I could keep anything, but if I wanted to get rid of anything, this is what they would like back. Which turned out to be great for me, as I was scaling back into a smaller house as Katie and I moved.

So should the unthinkable happen, people will come and take things off the walls. But at least in my experience, it was only things I let them take after deciding whether they had more emotional value to them or to me.

As I type that, I realize there is basically nothing in common. So let me just say that as in all things family, that you should take the high road. At least we know we won't get stuck in traffic. Yes, I think even hinting at divvying up the stuff is at least borderline rude. But I hope that you can trust that their hearts are in the right place. There never is a nice time to mention that something really meant a lot to them; perhaps before diagnosis would have been better, but there is no going back to that time. In many ways this is like doing wills. We had gotten the stuff to do ours when we moved, about six months before Becky was diagnosed. And so after she was, I did mine right away, and I made her promise to do hers if I died before she did, but I never made her fill one out herself. It was just so much harder then.

I hope some of this makes sense anyway. It did when I started, but I am not so sure now.

Curtis

[Jana_W]

This must be pretty hard to deal with. I honestly can't quite understand people asking you about this stuff now?!?!?!? I don't know what else to say.

Jana

xxx

[Andrea]

I never had to deal with it, but I have heard others in general dealing with it and it is wrong. People have no tact.

[Angie Daughter of Bill]

I have not had to experience this. (thank goodness) I am an only child and my Dad has only one surviving brother and his mother. I'm not sure exactly how I would handle the situation. I think it is downright rude! For goodness sakes, your hubby is still here. I would probably find a way to gently relay that message. Heck, knowing me I would say, "Dad is still alive. We will discuss this at a later time! I think you're rude for asking such a thing!" I tend to be a little blunt.

I hope that they ease up on this so that you don't have to confront them.

In my thoughts and prayers~~~

Angie

[cathy]

My 2 cents..

The thought of that makes my stomach a little queezy..

[Guest bean_si (Not Active)]

..

[Ann]

People never cease to amaze me!!!! Why in the world can they not see what you are dealing with right now ??? There are so many people in this world that lack sensitivity and it seems like you know a few of them!!! Just hang on tight and take big, deep breaths as you go along on this journey!!! I would just smile and reply..."Yes, of course we still have those things." Luck to ya!!!!

[Elaine]

I am going to try a less emotional response to this. I would follow my husband's lead in this. I know you are probably seeing this in terms of the way you think they may feel about you. I agree they are insensitive and rude (ok I am going to be emotiional) but let your husband lead the way. He may find some comfort in making these kinds of decisions. It is something he still has control over. In the end, you will be glad this happened BEFORE anything might happen to him. Becaue then if there are people apt to blame, you will get the brunt of it. This way it is HIS decisions, and I hope he can make that clear to everyone.

My heart goes out to you. In times like this, even the smallest things take on significance to others. Try to look at it like they care for him and thus wish to keep a part of him. I know it's hard to do because you are in the fight. Most of us, unfortunately, have not made these decisions before we became ill.

My love to you and best wishes for good scans.

love

elaine

[kimblanchard]

All but one of them are really decent people so I think it may be that it is on their minds, they have their own worries, and people say and do ill-considered things sometimes. I may be sensitive to it, too. Maybe I can consider that the next time I mess up, I don't have to feel too bad about it. I am going to trust them.

I like several of the thoughts involved in this thread. They are quite thoughtful and helpful.

I think to let hubby call the shots is a good thing, later, when things are more intense for us. In the short term, we do have a ton of family pictures in the basement that we are never going to use, it might be a good idea to sort through them and share them now, especiallly with the nieces and nephews.

We both have wills. All of mine goes to him, all of his goes to me. We trust each other to do right. Some things like furniture, they may have to wait for until I am done with it.

Have a good day, and God bless us all. Margaret

[mhutch1366]

My mother used to tell me she wanted this person to have this and that person, that, speaking mostly of jewelry that had come from her mother. She wasn't ill at the time, and has outlived most of those she wanted to have these things from her. But she wanted me to know to do this.

I suggest, however unsubtle it is, that you and your husband at a time when there are no other issues and noone is steamed, that you go over a list of precious-sentimental stuff, and list who you'd like to have things that are important to you. Keep it with the wills, and never look at it again until and if it becomes an issue. And then it's a done deal.

This is something especially touchy in families with second marriages, where things of sentimental value to the children go to the step parent.

The other thing to do is nothing, and that just puts off all the decisions until the worst possible time, when there's no possibility of asking someone what they intended.

Like my ex, refusing to even write a will ( a homeowner with two dependent children) because he thought it was morbid.

What it was is stupid!!!

Anyway, sorry to take off on you all like that.

XOXOXOXO

MaryAnn

Prayers, always....

[Cindy RN]

I have some experience in this. First tho---HOW RUDE!!!---

I myself have been making lists since I was diagnosed over 3 yrs ago. Plus hubby and I made new wills.

My mom and step dad both married for the 2nd time each brought children and their owns personal items into the marriage. They had a will made out that spells out just about each piece in the house-where it came from and who is to get it. After my mom died, he gave us her jewelry and we left everything else in the house-after all he is still here!! After he is gone then we will do what was in the will. It helps spelling it out. Also one of his kids and one of us are executers. I did ask him for a picture that had been my greatgrandmothers and I was to get it. After I was diagnosed I did not know how long I was to be around so I asked if I could have it to enjoy it now--No problem of course.

Ask your husband to make a list of the personal things he wants others to have and keep it put up, hopefully someday you will find the list when you have married 50 yrs and laugh about it. Tell the family that are asking he is still here nad hopefully won't have to make that decision for many yrs to come! What can they say after that!

Cindy

[Remembering Dave]

Dear Country Girl,

you are a very kind and open minded person to be so forgiving and understanding of these relatives.

Personally, I think they are being, ummm, ahem, insensitive?

Geez.

Anyway, I guess it's time to write everything down - who gets what - after YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND pass away. For pete's sake, after he dies, IF he dies first, you still have a life to live surrounded by your things, right?

I think you are handling things very well!

Karen C.

[jo_lanier]

CountryGirl97,

My father-in-law died without a will. It left all of us with no idea how he wanted his estate handled. I have wished many times over that we had just asked him before he died, but that seemed too insensitive at the time. All I can say is to bring this up to your husband and let him help with that detail. Many times we felt we were protecting him when he often felt we were leaving him out. It's so hard to handle it alone, so give him the option of helping make those decisions.

As far as people wanting stuff... I can understand it, even though it is sometimes handled insensitively. I often want to bury my face in the things that belonged to him and just be close to him again. Those blankets and things mentioned above by Curtisg that belonged to Becky probably bring lots of comfort to those that loved her. I hope you kept plenty of them to bury your face into from time to time, too.

As far as property and all that, our experience hasn't been a good one either. I could kick my mother-in-law for not having my father-in-law make out a will. I see many battles in the future between his kids and her. I guess we just always thought we'd have more time.

Sorry to have invaded this area with my first posting ever. I've been lurking a while, and having had too much experience with this particular topic, I felt like I needed to post at last.

I hope to have offended no one.

[Don Wood]

Always have a will. We just updated ours for the fourth time, having put them in place about 35 years ago. Our last attorney told us that you do not have to clutter your will with all the possession specifics -- that the person can hand-write these things, sign and date, and it is just like a supplement to the will. Of course, that's true in Texas. You might want to check with a local attorney on that. I know that Lucie has told me how she wants certain items to go and I have encouraged her to give them now if she can. She has done some of that. Property we have specified in the wills.

Lucie is an only child so that makes things simpler in these terms. We are fortunate in that our kids have been great about all this and very supportive of Lucie on what she wants to do.

Having said that, some people can be clods! Don

[sharyn]

I have dealt first hand with this situation upon the illness and death of my dear mom-in-law. She had four children (one being my husband)... her two daughters were always "unavailable" to her when she was ill... Although they lived 5 min. from her and we lived 45 min. away.... Anyway, to make a long story short... The evening she passed at Hospice... with my husband, her other son, her two daughter in laws and my daughter and her fiance present... (her two daughters never came to see her in hospice)... we had to make the phone calls to tell them she was gone... this was at 5:00pm... at 6:00pm her daughter called our home from my mother in laws house (my father in law had passed previously) and wanted to know when we were coming down to go through her things!!!!!!! I thought my husband was going to have a stroke he was so angry... People never cease to amaze me... The story gets worse, which I won't get into, but I always wonder... How do these people put their heads on their pillows at night and feel any kind of peace??? Sharon

[KathleenC]

My mom gave me her wedding bands last week, after I kept refusing to take them... It just felt like she thought she wouldn't need them anymore.. She kept telling my b/f he needs to put a new diamond in it, I know she thinks she will not be around for me to get married... Shes was also trying to give me things I gave her as gifts... I know she didn't want me to make me feel bad, but she did... How can I expect her to be here in a month, a year, whatever, if she doesn't believe she will.. But now this week shes so confused she doesn't know I am her daughter most of the time.. Thank god my mom doesn't have an "estate" I wouldn't be able to handle dealing with that mess... I have a feeling now that when she does I am going to be a basketcase, which I totally wasn't expecting.