natalie

Thank you all so much. I have tears in my eyes. Thank you for your kind words and support. I will take them with me on Saturday and remember that I may feel a void without my mom being there but that there are people that understand and I have a multitude of friends on this board. Thank you!

Kim, I'm so saddened to hear this news. I'm so so sorry. If you need help with anything at all, please contact me at natalieh44@msn.com and I'll give you my phone number. Don't forget I'm very local...so please do not hesitate one slightest bit to contact me. I've been there and understand. Thinking and praying for you.

My mom's birthday is this Saturday. I'm in a wedding...the last thing I feel like being a part of on that day, but at least it will keep my mind preoccupied. I just don't know how to get away from the hurt...especially when I am there for the moments that my friend's mom is there to see her daughter get married and to watch them bond on that special day. I was in a wedding in May and I remember when my friend and her mom had that moment and I had to leave because it was hard for me to watch. I feel awful that I'm so selfish like that...but I couldn't hold the tears back...I don't think she noticed, but I already feel emotional about Saturday. Is that normal? I'm feeling nervous because I feel that this wedding will be a double whammy one being that it will be my moms birthday another watching a daughter and mom on the special day. I just think weddings are so special with a mother and daughter. I can't help but be jealous. My friend who is getting married is so sweet, I had to tell her it was my mom's birthday b/c I was worried about my Dad being alone, so she made sure my Dad was invited b/c she knew that day was going to be exceptionally hard for my Dad and I. I don't visit my mom at the cemetary often...actually I've only been there 3 times since she has died. If I didn't have this wedding, I would have gone to see my mom, but my mom is 2 hours away from where I live and my friends wedding is 2 hours the other way...so there's no way to fit it in. I feel guilt, like I've left my mom...but I just don't think of my mom at the cemetary...in my mind she's in heaven with my grandma. Sorry, I'm just feeling sorry for myself today and rambling. It's just not fair!!!! My mom would be 57 on Saturday. I miss my mommy.

Interesting idea Andrea! Along those lines, what about jean day for those of us that can't wear jeans at work? Talk to your bosses...Every Friday in November, pay $5 to wear jeans and the proceeds get donated?

Hey Kathi! Count me in for helping you put a cookbook together! Maybe we can start two threads...one for the Holiday Extravaganza and another for the cookbook and stick them with sticky's so they stay on top.

I know exactly what you are talking about...reliving the final moments. I remember having to call my Dad to tell him my mom had passed (he had just left the hospital for 30 minutes to go hom and take a shower after being there for 3 days straight). I remember his reaction and right now typing this part hurts. I can get so consummed in these thoughts to the point that I feel like I'm going to vomit. To see your parents vulnerable and grief strucken is unbearable. I remember my mom trying to tell me something before she passed but not able to get it out reaching her hand for me. That's the last she spoke and the last time I saw her eyes open. You want to take their pain away, your own pain away but there is absolutely no escaping the pain. There's no fix. In your stage of grief I constantly rummaged through these thoughts..especially when I was driving alone, in the shower or trying to fall asleep. At night I'd take melatonin to help me sleep and if I felt a panic attack coming on, I'd use xanax. Those two things alone, really helped. I still think about it, but not as much. I'm starting to remember more of the positive memories which is comforting. Remember, you have been traumatized...you were probably so shocked after everything that now it's all processing. I wish I could take your pain away as I know it so well. I'm still finding the grief hard, but I can only tell you that I don't think about those times as much as before. I'm here for you if you ever need to vent. I'm so sorry for your loss, but you are here with people that just "get it"...so if you find that friends, family, etc expect you to move on, or handle this a different way, you come back here and lean on us.

KitKath and I are doing this event for the Gail P. Ramos Lung Cancer Foundation this Sunday morning in Folsom, California. Anyone in the Sacramento area want to join us? Katie B. if I can get my material together in time, I'll see if I can bring info for LCSC. If any of you want to join us, please pm me! www.ramosfoundation.org Here's some info about the event that was just emailed to me... Step For Survival Participants: Just another friendly reminder about our event coming up this Sunday. We hope that your fundraising is going well - don't forget, we have prizes for you depending on how much money you raise, so please keep those donations coming! You can download the form from our homepage at www.ramosfoundation.org! Please let your friends and family know about the event. Online registration (which makes things really easy for us) will be available until this Friday - after that, folks will need to pay the higher registration fee on the day of the event. Please note that parking at the site will be limited. Once the lot is full, we will be directing people to park outside of Rodeo Park, so please arrive early to get a spot close to the registration area. And don't forget to take advantage of the following services available at the site: * Starbucks will be providing complimentary coffee in the morning * Jamba Juice will be selling smoothies once you return from your walk/run, with a portion of the sale proceeds going to the fight against lung cancer * COMPLIMENTARY massages will be provided to the participants of the event by the staff from HC Bodyworks (gotta make sure you are nice and limber for your walk/run!) * Music will be provided by Steve Logoteta and Pat Rainey * Refreshments and soft drinks will be available * A few prizes will be given away randomly to partcipants once you return Most of all, we want you to have a good time! We look forward to seeing you on Sunday. Please call us at 707-864-2627 if you have any questions. Thanks again for your participation!

Carleen, I am so sorry for the recent news, my heart is breaking for you, this isn't fair, it's just not fair. Listen to Hebbie...there are people out there with brain mets that are doing good. I think I read that Lance Armstrong had multiple brain tumors...if I'm remembering correctly he had about 20 of them. I will continue to keep you and Keith in our prayers. Thinking and Praying for you...

Cindi, I just pm'd you regarding this...

Betty, I agree, it's gotta be dehydration...here's some extra extra prayers for you.

oh ooops, I see that Donna told you about the website. That shows you just how great it is!!! Mocha came from a Cocker Spaniel rescue place. He was so well taken care of by his foster parents and they gave us some coupons for food and vet bills.

The best thing we did, was get my mom a dog. We found Mocha from www.petfinders.com I would definitely recommend a 2 year old dog. Mocha was 8 months when we got him and it's now that finally we see him growing into a mature little doggy. He was an awesome friend to my mom and was at her side. He now is my Dad's best friend. He is so loyal to my Dad. There's something that an animal knows... They knows who needs them the most.

Kitty, I'm so sorry for your loss. Andrea B recommended a book to me just recently and it was right up my alley. It was the one thing that brought me comfort. I was just looking for something I could relate to that would make me laugh. It's not self help type, it's just a fun, humorous read. It's called "Getting Over It" by Anna Maxted. It's a 30 something girl that loses her father. I highly recommend it. Kitty I know the grief so well. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It's been 7 months and I'm finally feeling better...the pain is not gone, but it's not as constant. I just really really miss my mom but I'm now able to accept that she's gone and deal with how I'm going to honor her memory. Losing someone really turns your life upside down. I still can't come up with a better word for it... It just sucks! thinking of you...

I'm so so sorry. I'm at a loss for words. You will be in my prayers this evening.

I'm so sorry that you have had to go through all this.

Don, AMEN!

OH my gosh Connie! That is great! I have chills reading about this wonderful news!

Hi Everyone, Denise just left me a message and ask that I post for her...her mom is in the hospital and the news from the doctors is not so good. Her mom says she's ready to go, so Denise is specifically asking for prayers that her mom finds peace soon. Please say a prayer for Denise and her family too. Denise if you read this before I'm able to talk to you, please know that I'm here for you, call me anytime. I'm so sorry that you or anyone has to go through this. My heart is heavy for you. Thank you for calling me and entrusting me to let everyone know. Love you, Natalie

Thank you all for your friendship and support. This site has taken a bit of a political turn and I find that it's not really what I'm looking for at this time. In no way am I attacking anyone or trying to make a statement, I have just been on this site for over a year and wanted to politely say my goodbyes. Thanks Katie and Rick for everything, this website has provided me with support, valuable information, friendship and inspiration. I honestly appreciate everything. Thanks Don, the Daves, Connie, Shellie, Ray, Dean, Kate, Gloria, Laurie, Anne, Sandy, Norme, Fay, John, Becky, Heather, Curtis, Ginny, Karen, Carlton...I could go on and on... and many more that inspire me and have offered support. You all hold a special place in my heart. AndreaS, Andrea B and Denise, I know you girls will keep in touch. I wish everyone the best and hope those of you I formed a special bond with keep in touch with me. My email is natalieh44@msn.com Good luck to everyone and best wishes! Love, Natalie

Joan, I can empathize with you so much. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know I'm hurting so much still... it's been 5 months. It's like I constantly have to reprocess what has happened and sometimes I still find that I'm in shock. Like yesterday, I grabbed my cell phone to call my mom....and then I have to reprocess. I still cry almost every day, but I'm also someone that can get consumed with what's plaquing my mind, especially on my drive home alone...I'm working on that, ha! (I'm not good at trying to think of something else). I was on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds when my mom got sick just to help me get out of bed and be able to get to work and keep myself together for my mom and my job. It really helped keep me even-keeled and balanced. I have since gone off them and doing okay. My husband and I are starting to think about having children so that's the reason why I went off. I just try to take it one day at a time. I recommend at least talking to your doctor and seeing what he/she recommends. When I went to my doctor's appointment, I just sat there and cried and cried. She reassured me that my reactions were normal and kind of went through the process of grief with me. It just helped to have someone reassure me that it's okay for me to feel this and it's okay to be upset. (I grew up in a family where you have to show strength...crying is a sign of weakness.) I can't tell you how many times my Dad and I heard the words "Be strong" at my mom's funeral...hearing that was like someone taking their nails to a chalkboard. The doctor did explain to me that three of four months after my mom's death, I should anticipate "acute grief". I couldn't tell you exactly what that means, but I do think it started to hit me about a month ago. I have had two episodes of crying so hard I can't breath. Anyways, I wanted to share my grief with you so you know that you are not alone in this. Feel free to pm me if you need to vent, feel "normal", etc. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It just sucks.

That is good news Shelly! I will pray and pray that the nodes are clear. Thank you for the update.

Ginny, I'm so sorry for the recent turn of events. Your Earl is such a brave man. I will be praying for you.

Maybe I read the wrong post, but when reading Aki's post, I didn't get that she was angry at her mom. I think it sounds like she is having a hard time coming to grips with what's going on. She's numb and scared to know more about her mom's illness. Should she be crying, showing her fear, concerns in front of her mother? I know my mom didn't want me to. It sounds like she was venting to us...that's counseling in and out of itself. Aki said she isn't "feeling" the emotions, but I swear when reading her post, she was...guilt, concern, worry. I just don't want us to scare newcomers from coming on here. This sight helped me learn how to cope. It gave me insight and support. When I came onto this sight I received warmth and compassion. It gave me a place to come and for that I'm greatful. I think everyone should have that experience when coming here.

Mark, I have chills and my eyes were watering as I read your story. I'm moved. I'm so sorry that you lost your amazing mother. It sounds like you have a wonderful wife who loved your mother very much. My mom was close to your mom's age...I can relate to the pain you are going through right now. Thank God for the one's that are there to keep us going forward when all we want to do is lay in bed and never get up. I don't know what I would have done without my husband by my side. It's amazing how much stronger it has made our relationship. It sounds like you have the same experience with you wife. Thanks for sharing your story.

Kelly, I'm so sorry...I'm here for you if you ever need to vent, get angry, or talk about wonderful memories of your father.