natalie

Cheri, I'm so so sorry. I will definitely have your family in my prayers.

Hi Laurie, I'm glad to hear that your mom's eyes' may be just a rupture. I hope she heals quickly. I'm VERY sorry to hear about your friend Jenny. I hope there is something they can give her for the pain!

I'm so sorry.

Shelly, I'm so so sorry. I'm speechless. I hope you are able to get the rest you deserve.

okay, I don't believe you! Everytime you say you are going to be off the website for a while, you come right back because you can't handle being away from us! I hope everything is okay. Email me and give me the scoop. Thinking of you.

Hey Denise...this sounds okay. I know plenty of people that have had one line treatment and have had great success. I've heard of them doing Gemzar as one treatment and I think they usually do Navelbine as one treatment. Thinking and praying for you and your mom.

Hi John's sis, I just logged on, since I don't check the boards on the weekend...I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I have some advice or feedback from an only daughter's point of view. When my mom was sick, it was just me and my Dad to take care of my mom locally. I had two aunts that divided up their time and would fly out to help us take care of my mom by cooking well balanced meals, take her to a couple of appointments, take her shopping...it also gave my mom some different people to talk to and look at. I can't tell you what an enormous help it was to have someone come just to clean, cook, help around the house. It will also assist your sister in law greatly if she's in a position where she has to go to work. I'd say that the first month was extremely overwhelming. It took us some time to get over the shock and figure out how we were going to handle finances, deliver the news of my mother's diagnosis, researching all avenues of treatment...we kind of ignored the rest of the family for a while because we honestly barely found the time or the emotional energy. We would hear people gasp and say "oh my" or "is she going to make it?"...then hear them cry or react. It is an extremely painful process to have to relive it with everyone. Your brother and sister in law are not themselves right now, I can vouch for that...please do not take it personal. I have an aunt that took it very personal and it hurts now because she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I don't have a mom now, so my aunts are that much more important to me emotionally, but she has written me off. Based on my experience, my advice would be to wait a month and then call them to say that you'd like to help...ask your sister in law to come up with a list. It would probably also help them tremendously to come by yourself. I had a family member bring their kids and it just made it more difficult for us because we had to make sure the kids were entertained. There was no emotional energy for that. I felt for once that I could relax just a little bit when we had someone to cook. It's so emotionally draining to go to doctor's appointments, call all the family to give weekly updates, make sure your family member needs are met, that there's no energy to clean or make dinner. I hope that I haven't offended...this is just to give you some advice....it's a very difficult time for everyone and you are probably feeling pretty left out. I doubt they are doing it intentionally. It's a life changing event as I'm sure you are experiencing, but your sister in law's daily life has changed. She probably is in a trance right now. Keep us posted. I wish you the best.

I haven't seen you post in a while. Check in, please tell us how you are doing!

Thank you all for replying. I know it's a sensitive topic and I hope I didn't sound like an uncaring, selfish daugther. Becky I took your advice and asked my Dad if he would go to a counselor with me. He said "he guesses so" so I'm crossing my fingers that he doesn't change his mind. Glo and Curtis thank you so much for giving me your perspective...I do feel you two are much stronger and motivated than my Dad...but I was reading a post you wrote, Curtis, of your bracelet WWBD. I just love that. I'm thinking maybe I can make something similar for my Dad to give him that little motivation as he always admired her strength. When my mom got sick they moved up here so my Dad does not have an established job here in Sacramento. He also doesn't like to work under "others". If I ask, he gets defensive and I feel pushy...so now I don't say anything and worry...but I'm thinking if we got to the counselor we can bring that up and discuss it in a constructive manner...maybe I'm not approaching him compassionately enough. Andrea, Roseanne and Cathy, thank you for your support and for understanding. Last night my Dad said that he wasn't going to go to that family party and that he was going to take my husband and I out for dinner and a movie. I told him, "Dad, I'm so sorry, but I have plans I can't get out of" he then said, "oh..hm, that's too bad, I guess then I'll go to that party since there's nothing else to do, but it's going to be hard to go because Marin reminds me of your mother"..the party is in Berkely not Marin (they are about 45 minutes apart). So I responded, "Dad I know it's hard, but from what everyone tells me it will be easier, and the more you go the easier it will probably be, I think it would be great for you to be around family. I don't think it's healthy to avoid everyone. I don't ALWAYS have to be there, you'll be okay." He is acting like I'm abandoning him...geesh, I see him at least three times a week! It was 5 times a week for the past four months. I use to see him about six times a year and he NEVER made contact with me, it was always me and my mom with the relationship. My Dad would only call me when they were having marital problems. If it were my husband that had passed, I know that he would not be there one third as much as I have for him. I then asked him what he's been doing and he said he was going to start the wallpaper in the kitchen since now he has nothing to do during the week. I took it as a snide remark as if I'm abandoning him since I've been pulling away a bit to where I'm not dedicated every day to him and what he's doing. We got in a fight two weeks after my mom passed. Its a long story but it was after the first visit to the cemetary, had to drive back home, go to work the next day and my Dad got mad because I didn't want to go to a restaurant at 9pm at night on the way home. I sat and consoled him all day, sat by him when we went to the gravesite, had to go to my grandma's for 4 hours while they talked...seeing my mom's gravesite for the first time was so painful...I was just wanting to go home and cry about it...I didn't want to go to a darn restaurant. Eating? I didn't feel like eating. But he got all his emotions out so he felt better. I had remarked to him gently that it wasn't a good idea to have me as my mom's replacement and that although I will be there for him and support him, that I couldn't live up to being mom's replacement. I'm still his daughter, not his companion. He then kept saying that I would abandon him and leave him alone, etc and that I don't care about him and that my mom said I hate him, etc. I'm starting to see the manipulation and I'm resenting it. On mother's day I asked if I could just be alone for that day. After repeatedly saying I wanted to be alone, he finally got the drift. He then called me the night before to tell me what a hard day it was going to be for him and that I needed to remember that it's a hard day for him. I told him, "well, then it's a good day for you to go spend with your mother to get your mind off of it.". I mean, really, the one day I feel I'm allowed to grieve, he still makes it about him? Oh my gosh I have all this bottled up in me...I'm so sorry to let all this out in a long post. I'm just so frustrated and angry. My feelings are so sensitive to talk about my Dad with. I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad, but I just don't know when the caregiving ends or when I can get a break. Then I get mad at myself for being so selfish...I mean, I'm healthy, what am I complaining about? Then I cry about my mom. It's the cycle Katie was talking about in another post, I just know it so well. I hope I haven't offended anyone. I'm just venting and I just realized how angry I am. Maybe I'm angry my mom is gone and I'm passing the anger onto the situation with my Dad. Maybe I'm not a caring as I think. I'm just angry and cynical and I want to be back to the person I once was. I will never be the person I was, will I? I want to be back in that bubble where you don't think about death or losing people or feel that "what if?" fear. Thanks for letting me vent. I really appreciate it. My husband, I'm sure, appreciates it too

I'm with you Dave! GO PISTONS!!! I wouldn't love anything more than to see the Lakers lose...I'm a King's fan SCORNED.

Angela, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you and your family find great comfort in being together at this time.

Jen, If surgery is not an option, inquire about rfa (radio frequency ablation) to the lungs. It is a non invasive procedure that can get the tumors that are in hard to reach places. Also I agree with getting a second opinion. I would imagine at IIb you should be eligable for surgery. Here's more info on RFA. Keep us posted. http://www.mayoclinic.org/rfatumortreat-rst/lung.html

Shellie, In November my mom had that similar episode and came out of it. I thought that was it, she was dying. She came out of it and didn't remember a thing. We told her that she said I was drugging her and trying to kill her was screaming...she laughed and thought it was the funniest thing (we didn't have the heart to tell her that it scared the heck out of us and hurt us so much). The test at the hospital showed that she was malnourished...dehydrated and that her nutritional levels were low. I didn't try to get her to eat things she didn't like b/c I didn't want her to stop eating, she at ice cream, we would let her have a glass of champagne, whatever brought her comfort at the time...so I guess that's what happened as a result. She said she didn't remember a thing during the couple days she was out of it. She bounced back for a good two months after that and had a wonderful Christmas together.

I'm trying to understand what my Dad is going through by reading whenever you all write about losing your spouse. When I really sit down and try to put myself in his situation, the pit of my stomach gets sick and I just feel awful for him...he was with my mom for over 38 years...he met her their first year in college. She was all he knew, she was the outgoing one, but they didn't have any outside friends as they got older. It was always my fear that my mom would go before my Dad because I didn't think my Dad would enjoy his life without my mom and I knew he'd be extremely dependent on me. I'm an only child and I'm don't know how to help him. I thought my family would step up to the plate in helping me keep him busy but they do minimal. They "forget" plans they make with him or they are "too busy". Then there's events with the family, but he doesn't want to go unless I'm there. I have a cousin who is throwing a party this weekend out of town and I told my Dad that his own brother and two sisters were going to be there so there will be his family there. He said "well, are you going?". I said, "no, I have things I got to do around the house" I'm actually not going because it's a great opportunity for my Dad to do something social (with his side of the family), while giving me time to myself without worrying about him being at home by himself. He then sounded really disappointed and said, "Well, I'll see what's going on around here first and what you are doing before I decide to go" Well, what's going on around here...is ME and my husband it's always ME. I'm his social calendar. I love my Dad and like to spend time with him, but I feel this guilt if I don't spend every day with him. I have one uncle that invites him over for weekend visits (this is on my mom's side) and I'm so thankful for that, but other than that, I'm his only social activity. If I give him advice such as "dad, I think it would really help to go back to work, it will keep your mind busy" he gets mad and takes it as if I'm telling him what to do, makes excuses, etc. It's not like I expect him to move on...I would never think it would be that easy. I can't even move on...so how could I expect him? I've told him this...I just want him to find some healthy outlets so he can go back to living life. He has no drive to do anything. He has not gone back to work. He started to go to a widow/widowers group, but doesn't want to go back because everyone is a lot older than him. I can't get him on the internet, he has tons of things to keep him busy around the house that he won't do, he sleeps in until 2pm, goes to bed about 4am. I'm really worried about him. I recommended anti-depressants, but he says he doesn't need them then he gets mad that I even suggest things and takes it as if I'm telling him what to do. He said he'd go to a counselor 3 months ago and he has yet to go. I hope you don't mind me giving the child's side of this I just think you are the best people to ask. Since you all are going through what my Dad is going through do you have any advice as to how I can help him get through this without him thinking I'm telling him what to do? How can I get him to meet people, friends his age? How can I get him to go back to work so he doesn't end up in a financial rut? I'm filled with worry and frustration. I hope I don't sound selfish...I swear this is in the best interest of my Dad. I want to help him live and enjoy time with people his age. I don't think it's healthy for him to have me as is only social outlet. My husband told me that I need to become "less available", but I can't do it. I've tried and I'm plagued with guilt and feel like I'm abandoning my Dad. The longest I've done this being "less available" thing is three days. Thanks in advance for your advice.

Oh my gosh Katie, you have me laughing! I can totally relate to your last paragraph of being pissed off about stupid things, then then feeling selfish that I'm mad about something stupid when other's truly have something to be mad about, and then the end I start crying, wailing even over my mom! I follow ya...That is totally how it is day to day for me!!! Ahhh, I feel peace for 5 minutes today because you wrote what you wrote and I now feel a bit normal.

Shelly, I ache in my heart for you. I experienced very similar things when my mom died. Her oldest sister told me she was going to get the family together and sue me and my Dad and that we didn't take care of my mom properly. She even wrote a long letter to my mom's oncologist about us and I can only imagine what it said, but the oncologist said that she couldn't discuss it with us but that it doesn't matter what she wrote because we were our mom's caregivers. We were about 6 months into my mom having lung cancer, stage IV and my aunt wants to do a biopsy to make sure it's lung cancer! This is after about 10 CT scans, xrays, and second and third opinions. I was about to go ballistic on her! She told people that she will never have me be a part of her life ever again, etc. Hurtful things. I'm a murderer, that I didn't love my mother...things that just don't make sense being that I was by my mother every day, every appointment, etc as you have. My mom was my best friend, the most important person in my life. My aunt wasn't even around! She even went four months without talking to my mom because she was saying horrible things to me at my mother's house and my mom threw her out. My aunt and I always had a great relationship, so this came out of left field and wasn't making any sense to me. I'm angry that my aunt would treat me this way and just can't make any sense to it but I think some people just fight mean. If your uncle is saying he's going to sue you, etc.. I'm sure that he may have a history of fighting mean...what I mean by that is, using "attack" words when he's arguing...do you know what I mean? Some people attack when they disagree and I think those people come out with claws when something majorly affects or hurts them. It's so hard not to lash back. Shelly don't you ever doubt how you are taking care of your father. You are doing more than any daughter could. I think that his brother, my mom's sister, don't know how to cope and anger and blame is their defense mechanism. It just makes everything that much more difficult BUT you know, your husband knows, your family here on the web know you are doing everything you can. I think you are a strong and amazing person and daughter. Any parent would be lucky to have such a caring, determined, respectful daughter be by their side at a time like this. You have gone to bat for both your mom and dad. To have to take care of two of the most important people in your life and to watch them suffer like this is gut wrenching, painful and just unbelievable. The fact that you are here talking to us and doing everything you can shows how strong and courageous you are. I hope in telling you the issue with my aunt that it helps you to know that you are not alone in that aspect of this ordeal as I know it was just that extra punch to make me feel worse, (if that's even possible). There are some family members that just aren't as strong as you and can't cope...you just have to feel sorry for them. Sorry for running on a tangent but my heart just breaks for you and I wish you lived closer so I could help you through this time. Shelly, I'm so so sorry, life just isn't fair.

Oh my gosh, Karen C...I'm going to hurry up and have kids! My husband will be happy to know that I'm ready for the extra curricular activities to do so. ha!

I'm so pissed off today. I can't even think of any intelligent words to express how I feel anymore. I'm just SO angry! I read your response Stephanie, and it just got me thinking, you expressed it just how I feel, this just sucks, plain and simple and I'm mad!

Joyce! That nurse is so lucky I don't live in Colorado! I want to write a letter to that woman. Joyce, weren't you the one that posted the list of LC survivors? I was able to see the link and there were at least 20 Stage IV survivors on that list. I also agree with Cheryl saying that sometimes personnel exaggerate a situation to get better services and treatment. Anytime you think about statistics too, remember, they are SEVERLY outdated and skewed. I took a class on statistics in college and remember coming out of the class thinking that there's no reason for statistics because most of the time they are not accurate. There are also people that end up dying of something else, but when researchers do their follow up, they assume the person died of cancer as opposed to natural causes, heart attack, car accident, etc. The statistics are also taking stats of people up to their 90's. My 95 year old aunt has colon cancer that ...say she dies of natural causes, I'm curious as to which category she will fit in when her time comes? I'm so sorry that any of you are faced with the battle of this disease. It's not only the battle of the disease, it's the insurance, lost wages, stress, heartless doctors, etc. You are so strong...You can beat this. I know you can.

Fay, What did it use to be? Although I could take a 3 month leave, I only received 3 days pay for taking care of my mom and I had to use all my vacation time. I just want to make sure I didn't miss the boat on anything. What a great thing they have done. I know it would have made everything easier and less stressful. I lost 2 weeks of pay in addition to vacation and sick time.

Shelly, I will be thinking of you and your Dad and wishing for the best. I'm so sorry that you have to endure all of this.

Dean, I swear, you have such an amazing spirit...you constantly remind me what life is all about. I'm going to look at my garden today and see what new things are growing. Some times I forget to appreciate nature and it's wonderful things.

Ginny, I'm speechless. I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is for my aunt's to lose my mom and know the grief is just so great. I hope being around family can provide you with some comfort.

Ashley, I'm so sorry. I'm so saddened to hear of your loss. Please instant message me if you ever need to talk, vent, cry, etc.

Thanks! Betplace, thanks for fixing my link. I may not make the bracelets for the next couple of months. I'm in the process of moving and keep losing things. Once I get into the new house I'll probably start making them again. Denise, can I send you some for your Relay?