lukiss Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 I am really sad tonight. my house is quiet, my son and my husband are all cozy asleep. I just got home from dads house for the 3rd time today. I convinced him to get " help" but it feels like the last time i'm going to see him. He hasnt eaten anything solid in 3 weeks and hasnt left the bed but to go to the bathroom etc in 3 weeks. He hasnt been able to hold down any shakes or ensure now for 4 days. So I called the dr, against his wishes. He wants him to be admitted. So, I went to his house and explained to him, that he needs to go in, that he wont last very long without nutrition. He said that is depressing. So tomorrow, it will be long and sad. I miss my dad, I miss what would of and could of been with him. I never knew him when i was a child, never had a dad. a year and a half ago, he decided to be my dad and move here soon after he retired. one month later he was so ill, i took him to the er and he was diagnosed stage 4 small cell lung cancer, spread to the lymphs and adrenals. all my interactions thus far were strained, the struggle of him learning to let someone help etc. and also we were strangers. tonight, i laid next to him in his bed, i put all th pain of all these monthes of all his meaness away, and i just felt for him. i felt so much. i felt how scared he must be, and how let down he is by how is life is ending with no control over his own self. He fell tonight, trying to put a light on outside for me. He fell and busted his head open and hurt his shoulder. in a year and a half he hasnt once thanked me, which isnt why i have been doing any of this, but tonight he thanked me twice. it felt good and it hurt. i am really scared of what is next. the dr says maybe 2 weeks, my heart tells me less. i am scared of going in his house with him not on earth anymore. i am scared of going through his things, to find out what kind of a person he really was and what i may of missed out on an opportunity to of gotten to know someone without the conditions of this disease. i have been trying my hardest to get through all of this and still remaining a good wife and a good mother to my 2 and half year old. a good friend and a good daughter. but i dont know how much more i can take. and i am afraid others wont know how to fix me when i break. thanks for listening. i am sad. no matter what, he has been my father, near of far. from the moment i learned i didnt come with a father, he was my father. i will always love John Allgood, I will always want to be his little girl. that doesnt go away. Thanks, lukiss Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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