lukiss Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 I am really sad tonight. my house is quiet, my son and my husband are all cozy asleep. I just got home from dads house for the 3rd time today. I convinced him to get " help" but it feels like the last time i'm going to see him. He hasnt eaten anything solid in 3 weeks and hasnt left the bed but to go to the bathroom etc in 3 weeks. He hasnt been able to hold down any shakes or ensure now for 4 days. So I called the dr, against his wishes. He wants him to be admitted. So, I went to his house and explained to him, that he needs to go in, that he wont last very long without nutrition. He said that is depressing. So tomorrow, it will be long and sad. I miss my dad, I miss what would of and could of been with him. I never knew him when i was a child, never had a dad. a year and a half ago, he decided to be my dad and move here soon after he retired. one month later he was so ill, i took him to the er and he was diagnosed stage 4 small cell lung cancer, spread to the lymphs and adrenals. all my interactions thus far were strained, the struggle of him learning to let someone help etc. and also we were strangers. tonight, i laid next to him in his bed, i put all th pain of all these monthes of all his meaness away, and i just felt for him. i felt so much. i felt how scared he must be, and how let down he is by how is life is ending with no control over his own self. He fell tonight, trying to put a light on outside for me. He fell and busted his head open and hurt his shoulder. in a year and a half he hasnt once thanked me, which isnt why i have been doing any of this, but tonight he thanked me twice. it felt good and it hurt. i am really scared of what is next. the dr says maybe 2 weeks, my heart tells me less. i am scared of going in his house with him not on earth anymore. i am scared of going through his things, to find out what kind of a person he really was and what i may of missed out on an opportunity to of gotten to know someone without the conditions of this disease. i have been trying my hardest to get through all of this and still remaining a good wife and a good mother to my 2 and half year old. a good friend and a good daughter. but i dont know how much more i can take. and i am afraid others wont know how to fix me when i break. thanks for listening. i am sad. no matter what, he has been my father, near of far. from the moment i learned i didnt come with a father, he was my father. i will always love John Allgood, I will always want to be his little girl. that doesnt go away. Thanks, lukiss Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jana_W Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 I am so sorry for all you are going through at the moment. I wish I had more to say, but it all seems so inadequate when you are hurting so much. Jana xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmek Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Lukiss I wish I had some words of comfort for you. This is just so so sad. He is very lucky you have found you in his life. I am sure this is so very hard on him as well. I know if he is anything like my father, who was around, but wasnt at all, if you know what i mean. They just cannot forgive themselves for what they have done. I admire your strenght and courage, I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you. I hope and pray that you have at least enough time with your Dad, that you and he can let each other know how much you mean to one another. Make every minute count as I know you do. Get to "know" him so you are able to tell your son all about his grandfather. God Bless you and you and your dad are in my prayers. Keep us posted and we are here for you. Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 I really don't have any words of wisdom for you. I am glad that you got to know him a little, anyway, and it sure is a blessing for both of you that you have had what you had. I know sad. I guess we just have to feel it and after a while it changes. Take a deep breath, do what you have to do, and you will be okay after a while. Margaret Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 I know this fear. Its all consuming. it controls your whole life. i wish I could help you. I got through it with mom and 7 months later with dad. you will too someday get through it. One day you will smile again and laugh maybe too. tell your dad everything in your heart now. You will have peace from it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Lukiss, Yes, this is very sad, but I hope you realize that you have done all you could. You will cherish these days forever. I'm glad you got to know your dad, and it sounds like he is, too. I'm grateful that you did get the opportunity to know him and love him. Love, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lukiss Posted January 25, 2005 Author Share Posted January 25, 2005 thanks for all your kind words. its 6 am now, and I got no sleep at all last night. Just cant stop crying. I know in my head i will get through it, I always do. But damn it hurts! I am not used to crying or be weak. I am used to no matter what, doing what I got to do and being strong. and today, i am not able too. i will try though. In 2 hours I am going to his house and praying he made it through the night ok. I have to help him with a bath for the first time. Then we are going to a notaray and the bank to take care of the things he has not been willing to give up control on. I understand. Then off to the dr's and then to the hospital to be admitted. I know its better for him, its just a hard reality. He is still refusing hospice because, bless his heart. He still thinks he is going to get his strenght up and get more chemo and beat this . I have learned alot about him, and one thing I am truly proud of him is he is not a qiutter, and he has really tried harder than anyone i have ever seen in my life to fight this. my son, Lukas loveeeeeeeeeeees his grandpa... just loves him. and i know that is one of the hardest parts... again thanks for all the support. we just need to make it through this long hard day. one day at a time, lukiss Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justakid Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Lukiss- I really don't know the words to say about your post. I am terribly sorry about your Dad, hope that getting him to the hospital and getting and IV in him will help give him some strength. Good luck and keep us posted on how he is doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 I think when you get your dad in the hospital it will relieve a lot of your stress. You will know he is safe and getting hydrated and nutrition. You can use this time to hopefully grow close with your dad and get to know him better. I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Rochelle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 I have no words... I just wanted to know that I 'heard' you and I care about you and your dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 lukiss, I'm so sorry it turned out this way. I think you will feel better once you know he's being looked after, and you can focus on being with him, not worrying about all the other stuff. Prayers, always, XOXOXOX MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calintay Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 (((((HUGS))))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 How lucky your Dad is that you are such a devoted and forgiving daughter . How very sad for you both too but just try to hang on to the fact that you found each other before it was too late. I wish you strength , Love Paddy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Lukiss, How did it go today? Love, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 lukiss , I would just like to add that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Let us know how you are doing. (((hugs))), sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail p-m Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 lukiss, I'm so sad for you too. I wish I had words of wisdom to ease the pain and sadness but I don't. The best I can do is send my thoughts and prayers to you. Gail P-M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remembering Dave Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Just wanted you to know I feel your pain so much. You've been a wonderful daughter to take care of him after years of estrangement. Alot of people wouldn't have. And I agree, too, having him in the hospital will take a few degrees of stress from you, you will know he's being take care of, and who knows, he may get some strength back and do alot better. Please keep us posted. God Bless, Karen C. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 God bless you and your Dad. This is such one of those bittersweet stories that really makes me cry. Like you, I was not raised by my Dad. At birth, I was adopted by a loving couple that loved me with all their heart. When I was 20, I met my biological mom and dad for the very first time. I found out that my Dad had spent his life just watching me grow up from a distance. He would park down the road and watch me play. He attended a lot of my school functions and basketball games. Thank God that we were able to gain some closeness between us before he passed away three years ago. There are times that I look at his picture and can feel the bond that will always exist between us. Please know that you are very fortunate to have made this bond with your father in time. Squeeze in every single minute you possibly can spend with him. Sometimes we don't understand the way things happen. I am sure your Dad is very glad to have this time with you, his beautiful and loving daughter. Treasure today and trust God to take care of tommorrow. I am keeping you and your Dad in my most heartfelt prayers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosegarden Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 lukiss, I'm so sorry you're going through this... I know how scary it can be. We are all here for you and we wish you all the comfort and support in the world. You are in my thoughts and prayers. To have someone as devoted and loving as yourself by his side, your father has been given a gift. I wish you comfort and strength during this time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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