SBeth Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 We've been under the care of Hospice for over two weeks now and had some time to adjust to this new way of thinking. It's been very hard (for me) to just sit back and worry about keeping Bill comfortable without feeling the need to found out what is causing this and what is causing that. Is the cancer here, is the cancer there? It doesn't matter, it's not going to change the way we are doing things these days. He's content and at peace with having Hospice in the house. His nurse is wonderful. She comes in once a week, for now, and will come in to the house as often as we ask. She's made sure that his every comfort is met and it is nice to not have to run to the pharmacy. Heck, they have even offered to send out a grief counselor to our home to talk to the kids and myself so that we don't have to worry about leaving Bill to go for an appointment. All in all, it's been a good experience so far...BUT...I wish we weren't here. Every night, after he drifts off into his deep night sleep, I cry myself to sleep wishing and wanting so badly for him to wake up and say to me..."You know what, I think I want to give the Alimta another try, I'm not ready to give up yet." Yes, I know that this is very selfish and feel free to send out the lashes and beatings, but this IS what I want. Yes, I know this is NOT was he wants and so I tell him it is okay, all we need is for him to be comfortable and to hold each other, spend time with our family and tell everyone how much we love them as often as we can. Now...for the real scoop. Toni, his nurse, tells us that he seems to be doing okay. He gets up every morning, takes his shower (still under his own steam) and sometimes he gets dressed, though some days he just puts on a clean t-shirt and lounging pants (we recently found these and love them)and wraps up in one of his new robes. He'll usually set up camp on the family room couch and he'll read or watch tv and drift in and out of sleep most of the day. His pain is very manageable, though we have noticed in the past week it is getting more intense and meds have been increased. His appetite is obsolete and he'll go without food a day or so before he decides to try to eat something. This is truly been a tough issue for me. The ENTIRE Hospice team has told me over and over...don't push food, let him make the call, if he wants something he will tell you, if he doesn't it is okay. Not easy to sit back and not encourage him to eat and watch him go without eating, but I do it. Confusion is getting much worse too. He forgets almost everything he is told, but then on the other hand, he knows EXACTLY how much I spent on a quick two-hour shoppping spree on Saturday and hasn't seemed able to "forget" that figure! Anyway...all in all, we are okay. We both have had some very sad days and nights filled with tears; but we look around us and we know how lucky we are because one thing we have learned for sure is that we have been most fortunate for the time we have had together and the love we have. I log on and read the board every day but have really only posted when I felt I had something worth contributing. I'm praying hard for everyone and rejoicing in all the good news too! I'll be back when time permits. Thank you all so much for the phone calls, emails and pms. We are so blessed to have so many people keeping us in their prayers and thoughts. Love, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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