Talk Therapy - Long

[stand4hope]

Hello everybody. I’ve not been posting much because I have not been well - mentally.

I spent over an hour writing a big long thing to you about with all the details about a breakdown I have just gone through, but I deleted it all. You don’t need the details, just the solution.

This is all I have to say about it: I broke. In the past six years, I have gotten through the loss of my mom, my dad and my Nana, and after a short time, I recovered nicely, but Don’s death took me down. When someone asks me how I am doing, I say “OK”. I’m not ok. I suppressed my grief, held it in, fought back the tears, refused to dump on everyone who has offered to help me, and said I was ok. I wasn’t.

The only reason I’m even writing this to you is because in less than one week, I am better than I have been in 10 months. I’m better because I got help and started talking. I want you to know this because some of you are where I am, or will be some day. It might be caused by grief, or divorce, or a child gone bad, or depression for any reason. Some of you have handled your grief exactly the way I have. You’re keeping it to yourself. The only reason I’m getting better is because I tearfully and sincerely, totally broken, cried out to God last Sunday to help me. He didn’t “speak” to me, but somehow, He made me start talking!

On Monday, I started talking. I started calling the right people, and talked and cried right out loud. I wasn’t just tearful and weepy – I cried and made those ugly noises that we don’t want others to hear when we’re crying really hard. I started “dumping”. Before my cry for help, I would get those burning tears, choke them back in the middle of a conversation, get a grip, and just continue the conversation. After all, I’m strong, right? And it’s not right to burden others, right? I didn’t want to burden the ones that TOLD ME repeatedly to call them ANY TIME. I couldn’t do that. They would feel bad about it, wouldn’t know what to say, and feel bad about that. So, I suppressed it – kicked it back and refused to let it get me. God immediately sent me everybody I needed to help me through this.

I’m in counseling now, have a wonderful support group already, and have been talking about myself all week. I’m focused on me for a while and not everybody else and their problems. I can’t help anyone else right now until I get myself re-filled. I’m empty and lost without Don. I know how to function without him and am, but I don’t know how to live without him – that is to live and be happy again. We were married for 38 years. I used to tell people we were born married. I’m functioning and doing a pretty good job of it, but my heart isn’t in anything that I’m doing. My heart is broken, shattered, and smashed. It’s gotten worse as the one-year anniversary approaches. Since I finally started talking about it, I’ve learned that’s normal.

So, in summary, I’m not writing this post to get words of sympathy. I’m writing to you to tell you that if you are depressed (about ANYTHING – not just grieving), start talking. Don’t think that you don’t need to talk or counsel. I had that attitude and was “losing.”

And just a side note, I don't mean whining. There’s a big difference between whining and talking to get help, and the difference is obvious. The whiners don’t want to get well, they just want to whine. They choose to be miserable and don’t want to even try to get well. They want attention and want to stay in the pits.

I cried out to God for HELP! He answered with people for me to talk to. He wants me to talk about it, stop suppressing it and to get it out. I just thought there might be someone else out there that needed to hear this.

In a very stern voice, the first counselor I saw (my son’s counselor) told me this: “There are people that have made themselves available to you and you’re not utilizing them. If they didn’t want to be “burdened” they would not have made themselves available. I asked you who you were talking to a couple of months after Don died. You said you weren’t talking to anybody. I told you that you needed to be talking to somebody or the grief was going to catch up with you. I invited you to come and talk to me, but you said it wouldn’t help bring him back. I want you to call the people that have told you to call them.” That got my attention. She was right. So, I did, and it worked. Talk therapy works! If you’re having problems coping with your grief, or with anything, please start talking to someone about it, but be sure it's someone who can or will help you. That’s why I wrote that post to Carleen. Before Keith got to the actual dying process, I wanted her to just keep talking – to talk about Keith and their life together, to tell us the good stuff and the bad stuff. I just wanted her to keep talking. Unfortunately, Keith didn’t have the two weeks as predicted and there wasn’t time. I pray that some day she reads this and will talk to someone.

By the way, if you're the "talkee" (ha!), that is, the listener, don't worry about what to say. You don't have to say anything or offer solutions, just be there, love them, hug them and hold their hand. Just listen and let the person get it out.

Here’s my “talk it out” for tonight: Don’s not coming back. He’s never coming back. I’ve had these crazy visions of him leaning against the sink with his smart-aleck the-joke’s-on-you-grin saying “Just kidding. I didn’t die. Now, what the hell did you do to my house?” Seriously! I really have imagined that just exactly that way! It isn’t going to happen.

God bless you all!

Love,

Peggy

[RandyW]

Thanks That means a lot and am glad and proud of you for sharing this info. I talked to family and friends and wrote here I guess talking to you all. It helped I am so glad you are doing better now and thank you for sharing this info. It works for us I think.

[tnmynatt]

Thanks Peggy! I get it and will continue to talk. It DOES help a lot. Take care.

[Linda661]

I'm so glad you are doing better now Peggy. You are so right on -- talking does make a huge difference.

Linda

[jdjenkins]

Thanks for the post Peggy. It got me thinking maybe I should start talking more. I have been very depressed lately. The only person I really talk about my pain with is my Mom. She is in so much pain herself that I think we just bring each other down.

I have been working on major house projects and causing myself more stress. Really thought I was going to have a breakdown two nights ago. I think I'm just running myself crazy trying to run from the pain of losing Dad. I think I need to slow down and talk.

Thanks for sharing with us Peggy.

Denise

[shineladysue]

(((Peggy))),

I hope you are better and will continue to get better. I understand that place you are at. Grief is painful and it is sneaky it seems. Just as I think I am in control, I just have major meltdowns and entire days where I can't function. I'm not comfortable with talking to others about it or crying in public either. I'll think about what you are trying to tell us. God be with you Peggy.

Love,

Sue

[EastCoastLadi]

Peggy,

You are absolutely right about talking things out, over, whatever. And yes! there are people who will listen to you, believe it or not....one can only keep things to themselves for so long, especially those emotions that eat at them and wear one down. I admire your courage and determination to live, love and be happy...

Grace

[MsC1210]

Peggy,

THANK YOU!

Hugs

Chris

[Snowflake]

Peggy,

I just find it ironic that YOU had problems talking to anyone... I am SO GLAD that you are getting there and getting better. Not "getting over it", but getting through it. What a life line you are tossing to those who can actually hear what you are saying. Even when you're "not helping", you are.

Love to you, Peggy. You're an amazing woman.

xxoo,

Becky

[Anais]

Good decision to start talking; it is very important to allow yourself to express these feelings, even if talking evokes tears, anger and guilt. In my opinion, death is a subject that is too much avoided, ignored or denied...

Anaïs

[teresag]

What wisdom there is in your post, Peggy! I feel certain many people will benefit from your advice.

Author Joan Didion wrote a book called The Year of Magical Thinking about losing her husband. She eloquently describes precisely the things you refer to: imagining it will all come to an end with him suddenly appearing in the kitchen, making the coffee like he always did, or lighting a fire in the evening like he always did. I read an excerpt of it and it was terrific. Interview with her here about the book: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/stor ... Id=4866010

Thanks for sharing your experience. - Teresa

[Connie B]

That is why I have tried to encourage people to get into some kind of grief counseling, or just find a good counselor to help work through your grief and pain. Or join a Grief Support Group. Getting into counseling or grief counseling is the next chapter of being an ex-caregiver.

I know what it's like to live with profound grief and it's very crippling if we don't get the right kind of counseling or care for it. Without the right care we tend to talk around the issues that we are trying to deal with, because it's so very painful to talk about sadness, and or our loneliness. We don't want to hurt others or make them feel sad so we just say, "We're doing okay" as to not rock there boat. When in reality we are a total mess inside and out, but we shirt the issues. We continue to caretake others around us.

Good luck and I hope others will take your advice and move on to the next chapter of having to live and deal with greif and really learn how to talk about grief issuse. It's a hard step to take sometimes, but it's a very well needed one for MOST!

We just need to talk to the right people, and I know for me, I found that in a Grief Support Group and with a one on one counselor.

[Ry]

Peggy,

I copied your post and sent it to a friend that is in the breakdown phase right now. I know it will help-- thanks for posting it.

Rochelle

[Maryanne]

Thanks Peggy for letting us know. I know the love you guys had for each other and how brave Don was up to the end.

I know he had something to do with you breakthrough as he is so worried about you that when you reached out for help I know he had something to do with it also.

I was saddened when I read about your near breakdown and so relieve that something positive had come out of it.

If we can help you in any way you know we are here to listen to you talk. I love to hear about your life together or whatever you would like to share.

Peace be with you Peggy,

Maryanne

[Ann]

Peggy....I am just so glad that this has been a good week for you. YES...talking is what got me through losing Dennis. I have always encouraged anyone that has been faced with illness and loss to talk about it. I didn't seek out a counselor but I was fortunate to have two really good friends that were great at both listening and giving advice on how to cope. I am so glad you are TALKING and I'm also glad you shared this with others on the board. I know this will help so many!!! (((((((((Peggy)))))))))))

[SBeth]

Peggy,

WE need to TALK. No more putting off our "meet in the middle / visit". Which one of those Sunday afternoons are we going to actually do it?

I'm glad you are finally talking. This seems like a good time to remind you that I'm here to talk too also...anytime of the day or night...I'm here to listen (and probably talk back too).

Love to you!

[chloesmom]

Hi Peggy,

Just my opinion, but I think you've made a big giant step here. I hope you continue, and take Beth up on that talk offer.

It's not the same, but I had someone to talk to when I was diagnosed, and it really made a difference for me.

It's hard to get started with the opening up thing, but I'm glad to see you did.

Cindy

[lilyjohn]

Peggy it is so good to see your post. I am glad that you have finally started talking about your loss and your feelings. Sometimes we have to reach our lowest point before we are able to reach out for the help we need. Believe me I clawed my way out of that pit many times this past 3 and a half years.

My problem was not having anyone who I could really talk to face to face or most times even on the phone. I did most of my "talking" here on this board and all of the good people here encluding you gave me the hand up that I so desperately needed.

I worry about my oldest son. Sense his dad died he has not really grieved. He goes on about life but never talks about his feelings. Yesterday he went fishing. I know that is the time he misses his dad the most. He avoids going to the house with his brother and sister to take care of the things there. He doesn't show his grief but I know that someday it will get to him and I worry what it will do to him when it finally hits him.

Your advice is very good. I pray that you continue to get through the days easier. As for me everyday I ask God just for what I need to get through the day. I thank Him for what he has given me. Sense I have started that I find that I have more and more to thank Him for and my days have gotten not only easier but I am enjoying life again.

[paddy]

Dear Peggy,

I am so glad you found help for yourself and are beginning to get things together again. Thank you for your unselfish and wize post which I think is going to be of help to myself and many of us who are grieving.

I haven't been posting of late either. I didn't want to come to the board with my problems as I felt that some people expected "long-time grievers" to go on to "so called" "grief and grieving boards". I didn't feel comfortable doing that either. Katie, Thank Goodness set my mind at rest about that with her post.

It has been almost two years now since I lost my Dave, and I have done everything I can, bar going for counciling, to get out of this "pit." So many times in the last few months I have congratulated myself for "doing well", but then suddenly I have fallen back in again. My soul mate is always missing no matter who I am with and the "aloneness" is becoming too much to bear. If I could, I would rather be with him than here on this earth. Don't worry I wouldn't do anything, I feel ungrateful and sinful for even thinking such thoughts, however I can't help it. I am sure I am not the only one to think that way either.

I have joined clubs and groups, kept myself busy going out with friends and doing volunteer work etc. I even started a friendship with a widower whom I had been helping through his grief. He however went off and found himself a girl-friend twenty years younger than himself!

I did not seek grief counciling as I always thought that grief councilors would only re-iterate what I know already, those so called, "stages of grief". I also dread sitting around divulging my private feelings to a bunch of people, (especially in this small town where everyone knows everyone.) After reading your post Peggy, I realize that I will have to seek help and will endeavour pluck up the courage to do so in the next few weeks.

Once again Peggy, Thank you so very much for sharing. As always, my heart goes out to you and all our "cyber friends" who have lost loved ones.

Love,

Paddy

[stand4hope]

I'M DEVASTATED. It's midnight and I just spent the past 45 minutes writing a response here and when I hit Submit, I was automatically logged out and I lost the WHOLE THING.

One of my very own tips to Newcomers (a sticky) is to copy your words in your post so that doesn't happen . . . . and I didn't do it. Cuss! Cuss! Cuss!

Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. I'm going to bed . . . . . .

[tnmynatt]

Peggy,

Type it again. We are here to "listen." Please call me if you need to talk or PM me.

((((((PEGGY))))))

Love ya,

Tina

[Remembering Dave]

Peggy - YOU GO GIRL!! I am so proud of you! I am a FIRM believer in counseling - it has to be the right person - and the thing I love about my psychologist is that she does not allow any whining! No aggressive behavior! She forces me to talk and then she objectively leads me to a solution.

We started working on grief therapy BEFORE Dave died. It was far worse for me then than it was after it happened. That may sound terrible to some people, but the fear of losing him was HORRIFIC. So she helped me work on it. When he was ready to go, I was ready to let him go. It might have taken me right up to the week or the day, but I was ready. And it made the aftermath so much easier to deal with. I still see her every week and every week I am stronger and stronger - just because I was ready doesn't mean I wasn't affected.

I hate to hear of folks who go to counseling and each time they get to sit and complain about their problems - YES, WHINE - and then leave and nothing is different. I feel blessed because I found this dear lady after multiple miscarriages after five years of infertility treatment - my infertility doc made me go see her - I was immensely clinically depressed and felt that life wasn't worth living for me. She helped me see all the reasons it was, and Dave and I got to make a happy family together with Faith. Then once he became so ill I went back to her and she coached me through the ordeal.

I am so glad you are getting to let it all out and express how you feel. You need that! And yes, you need to take care of YOU, then you can do for others.

Hang in there, Peggy.

God Bless,

Karen