stand4hope Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Well, I haven't talked much about me lately, so here I go. I'm fast approaching the one year anniversary of Don's death (Aug. 5) and the past 11 1/2 months have certainly been a big roller coaster ride, just like the two years of treating lc. The first months, I was just in a fog. That's about the only way I can describe it. When I look back to the time of the memorial service, I have discovered that I didn't remember that certain people were even there or that I got a card from them. I was just in a daze. The next few months were consumed with activity because of a job change and troubles with my son. During all that time, I refused to let myself think much about Don, our life together and the day it all ended. That's just kind of how I've always handled things like that - by just kicking them out of my mind and not letting myself think about it because it was too painful. That technique didn't work this time. It was something that had to be brought to the surface, faced head on and let out. As you know from my Talk Therapy post, I crashed and crashed pretty darn hard. It all caught up with me about a month ago. Since then, I have taken steps to be well, be healed and move on. I have been talking and talking a LOT. I have also been letting myself cry no matter who sees it. I have had dinner with a widow neighbor of mine, talked on the phone with an old high school friend of mine. She was a very close friend at the time, but a person I've had little contact with for the past 40 years. She lost her husband to brain cancer 7 years ago. We talked for THREE hours on the phone. I also had dinner with a group of ladies I led in a Beth Moore Bible study class about six years ago. I've talked to Becky and PM'd or emailed with many of you. I've talked to my brother and others as well. I have been emailing with another old high school friend on a daily basis that I also hadn't communicated with much for 40 years. I haven't put all my eggs in one basket. I actually contacted 5 or 6 people that I used to be very close with and left messages or sent emails. Not all of them came through, but I was smart enough to know that people are busy and have other things to deal with, so I contacted enough people that I knew I had someone to talk to anytime I really needed it. I've been seeing a counselor twice a week, one just for me and the other one with my son and me together. It's all working! I had an experience last week that was new for me. I was driving from work for my counseling appointment and feeling just fine. I had just talked to my son on my cell phone and was thinking about something at work when I took a different road because the traffic was backed up. I stopped at a stoplight on the road and just briefly looked to my left and there it was - the big words on the building: St. Vincent Oncology Center. In literally a flash, it all came back. I immediately had a very clear vision of Don walking across the parking lot to meet me before we went in to meet with one of his oncologists for an appointment to discuss his brain scan results and yet another Novalis (brain radiation SRS) treatment. He was weakened at that time, thin, but still working and we met there after work. I even clearly saw the clothes he was wearing, felt the heat of the very hot day and remembered being concerned that he had to walk so far in the heat. This happened in a flash! Just in that short time sitting at that stoplight, the tears welled up from being perfectly fine just seconds before. My reaction was this: I choked back the tears and stopped them. THEN, my counseling came to me - LET IT OUT! So, I did. I cried and cried for miles. I just let myself remember. I took the memory further into the waiting area, into the office, hearing Don's jokes, seeing the anger in his face when he was told the results, and hearing his words. I actually let myself FEEL it. Before I got to my appointment, I was fine, and I felt good and knew that it was ok to be sad. I've been told that this is pretty normal as you approach the one-year mark, so I am planning accordingly. I am taking off on the 4th (Don's birthday) and the 5th is on Saturday. If I can't get my son out of the house then I am going to rent a hotel room and let myself remember it all and just let it all out. Mike's counselor told me that since I never took those necessary 2 or 3 days to just lay in bed and wail that I needed to do it. I'm not going to worry about work or house cleaning or laundry or bill paying or anything. Those two days, and then praising the Lord on Sunday are mine - all mine. I am going to remember the love of my life with tears. Tears for the loss and tears for the gratitude for all those wonderful, and yes sometimes very stressful, 38 years. I'm going to remember and let myself FEEL the chemo room, the iv's, the pills, the shots, the pain, the worry, the scans, the fear, the results, ICU, the tension, the tears, the many many doctors and nurses and their dedication to trying to save him, and finally, the ventilator and the quietness of the room when it was all shut off. I am going to remember, feel and then heal. I love you all, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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