Jump to content

My brain has now turned to mush......


Recommended Posts

I come on here and don't even know what to say. I'm so exhausted that I read everyones' posts and want to answer, but my mind goes blank. I read so many profound things people have written, and think if my simple thoughts may not have much meaning.

I'm so gone, I actually took my husband out to dinner, and when I paid the bill, I gave a 30% tip!...the problem was I thought I gave 15, but my mind is so screwed up, I can't even do simple math!

This is one of those many nights that I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Not only does my therapist see how close to the edge I am, also my own doctor and my husbands' doctor see this. But what am I to do? Therapy - already doing...Anti-depressants - already doing....ummm Hospitalization to some psych. facility.....what for 72 hrs of being away and worrying about my children and husband. and I'm not suicidal....so I'm not going, don't want to go....

On top of this, my husbands' dr. had the "talk" of sorts w/ me this week. You see I absolutely trust my husbands onc. but my husband is having so much difficulty now. So I pull the dr. aside, tell him about my husbands' depression, my husband really won't do anything - therapy, group. and can't take any more meds w/ what he is taking. but the dr. sat me down, and told me to let him do his job...which of course I do....but you have to understand, I ask many, many questions....I want to know.

But besides that I told him about finding out, going online, he told me that was a form of therapy for me....now is it? I'd ask you all. But he is so concerned about me and the girls, he want to know if I have support from others....he told me that it's not a matter of if, but when my husband turns for the worse....but for now he(my husband) is doing very well for his condition.

I also know about the downside of brain radition, and was told my husbands' short=term memory will be shot....well mine is! so I guess we'll be the perverbal blind leading the blind....

I see my husband getting more and more tired, he sleeps alot, he's now getting SOB, and gets dizzy at times......I'm so lost....moment to moment is all I can do...but I see the quality of my husbands' life lessening and lessening as the days go by...

there are things that I do know that I don't even want to admit, because of fear that I will be viewed as having "lost it"......

Even after all this time, you would think, I would be able to handle this better, but I can't....

Grace

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Grace,

you've a heavy burden on you. Those who have walked as a caregiver to someone so close, someone they love so dearly, understand how difficult things can be!

It's easy for me to tell you to live in the "now". It's a must with this disease, but you already know that.

I don't have words to make things better. Ask for help when you need it, keep asking until you get it! Try a different anti-depressant. Try an in person support group. Post here often and vent away...we will be here for you. Be gentle on yourself, and remember to take care of YOU.

I don't have words to make things better, but I have prayers for you and your family..and I'm sending a hug.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

(((Grace)))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Grace,

My heart is breaking just reading your words. So many of the things that you say I understand completely. Unfortunately, I haven't found the answers. Please know that I hear what you are saying and can relate to it, all of it. I wish I could tell you how to get through all of this, but I can't. I am here listening when you need that! Please keep posting and know that you are not alone. We are all in this together! Noone understands what it is like except for those of us who have been there. I will be praying for you, your husband and your family. I hope that things will get easier for you!

(((Grace)))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Grace,

I hate this disease and what it does to us. The only advice I can offer is prayer. Let God have your load. I was amazed at how strong I was once I gave it to him and let him have control.

I'm praying for you and like the idea of you trying a different anti-depressant. Try to get some rest. Not much else I can say. This just SUCKS!!

Wish I had more to offer. We care and are with you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Grace, big hugs to you. That is a huge tremendous load. Do you have help with the kids. You need to get some rest even if it's sleeping with your husband. Is it guilt that is wearing on you, lack of sleep, perhaps resentment towards this nasty disease. If so; try to admit it out loud to a safe person other than your hubby. Because if you don't it will manifest into something else and rear it's ugly head later. I only say that as a mom who cared for my mom and left my husband to care for my two girls for 4.5 mos and it was so hard and you are trying to be supermom and do the right thing when really it's killing you inside. Just know it's ok to feel all that you are. You are the catalyst of the family and that's a huge load. Wish we could all help you carry it. Hugs, K

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Grace,

I'm so sorry you are going through the "lows" right now. I think it is the grind of doing this for such an extended period of time. I don't have little ones anymore, but my big ones still give me enough to worry about on top of taking care of my husband. It all gets jumbled. Tony is feeling well right now and his quality of life is good, but I think about the days 4-5 months ago when he was just a little ghost of himself and I remember feeling like I was already alone. He didn't talk, didn't move, slept all the time, etc. Now we are seeing some mental issues (late chemo-brain??) with him --- BUT I'm also having the same types of problems and it scares the bejeebees out of me. I lost my ability to type without looking like I'm totally dyslexic and making all kinds of mental errors that I've never done before. Soooo, now Tony and I look at each other and don't know whose brain to depend on anymore, because neither of us trust our own brains! I'm already on anti-depressants and am thankful that Tony's past depression was apparently chemo-related. I'm babbling, but wanted you to know that I completely understand how you are feeling and am so sorry. Hopefully things will get better and you will see a rally for Carlton (and you!)

Many warm fuzzies coming your way,

Welthy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry you have to go threw this ... your obviously a person who examines everything and that is a hard habit or urge to break. You've got everything in perspective and I don't see you as scattered brian etc.

I don't think your doing anything out of the ordinary for your personality .... but do try hard to only worry about what is in front of you. You can't worry about what maybe around the corner or spontaniously pulled out of the hat. You don't know if you'll need that information or have that experience ... or if it won't get better. Charish the moment you have now .... now he's doing OK ...... he doesn't have the get up an go ... but he's there and right in front of you.

It's hard to do that, especially if you are a "one step ahead" kind of a person .... which I am. I had to learn that I am the only person that looks this far ahead. Looks at all the possibilities so I won't be caught with my pants down or surprised when the wind shifts. But that is me, my preferrance and my "happy place" ..... but I have to restrain myself from REACTING to that information. Right now it's only information .... it's not reality!

Hope any of that helps ........

Tammy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

TamHol----It's hard to do that, especially if you are a "one step ahead" kind of a person .... which I am. I had to learn that I am the only person that looks this far ahead. Looks at all the possibilities so I won't be caught with my pants down or surprised when the wind shifts. But that is me, my preferrance and my "happy place" ..... but I have to restrain myself from REACTING to that information. Right now it's only information .... it's not reality!

Very well said and I imagine right on the nose with how many of us feel. :)

Welthy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.