EastCoastLadi Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 I come on here and don't even know what to say. I'm so exhausted that I read everyones' posts and want to answer, but my mind goes blank. I read so many profound things people have written, and think if my simple thoughts may not have much meaning. I'm so gone, I actually took my husband out to dinner, and when I paid the bill, I gave a 30% tip!...the problem was I thought I gave 15, but my mind is so screwed up, I can't even do simple math! This is one of those many nights that I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Not only does my therapist see how close to the edge I am, also my own doctor and my husbands' doctor see this. But what am I to do? Therapy - already doing...Anti-depressants - already doing....ummm Hospitalization to some psych. facility.....what for 72 hrs of being away and worrying about my children and husband. and I'm not suicidal....so I'm not going, don't want to go.... On top of this, my husbands' dr. had the "talk" of sorts w/ me this week. You see I absolutely trust my husbands onc. but my husband is having so much difficulty now. So I pull the dr. aside, tell him about my husbands' depression, my husband really won't do anything - therapy, group. and can't take any more meds w/ what he is taking. but the dr. sat me down, and told me to let him do his job...which of course I do....but you have to understand, I ask many, many questions....I want to know. But besides that I told him about finding out, going online, he told me that was a form of therapy for me....now is it? I'd ask you all. But he is so concerned about me and the girls, he want to know if I have support from others....he told me that it's not a matter of if, but when my husband turns for the worse....but for now he(my husband) is doing very well for his condition. I also know about the downside of brain radition, and was told my husbands' short=term memory will be shot....well mine is! so I guess we'll be the perverbal blind leading the blind.... I see my husband getting more and more tired, he sleeps alot, he's now getting SOB, and gets dizzy at times......I'm so lost....moment to moment is all I can do...but I see the quality of my husbands' life lessening and lessening as the days go by... there are things that I do know that I don't even want to admit, because of fear that I will be viewed as having "lost it"...... Even after all this time, you would think, I would be able to handle this better, but I can't.... Grace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bauner95 Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Grace, My heart is breaking just reading your words. So many of the things that you say I understand completely. Unfortunately, I haven't found the answers. Please know that I hear what you are saying and can relate to it, all of it. I wish I could tell you how to get through all of this, but I can't. I am here listening when you need that! Please keep posting and know that you are not alone. We are all in this together! Noone understands what it is like except for those of us who have been there. I will be praying for you, your husband and your family. I hope that things will get easier for you! (((Grace))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tnmynatt Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Grace, I hate this disease and what it does to us. The only advice I can offer is prayer. Let God have your load. I was amazed at how strong I was once I gave it to him and let him have control. I'm praying for you and like the idea of you trying a different anti-depressant. Try to get some rest. Not much else I can say. This just SUCKS!! Wish I had more to offer. We care and are with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 PRayers Hugs and Big warm fuzzy dryer blankets for commfort and strength. If I can do some thing, anything let me know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsC1210 Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Grace I have no words to ease this pain. I wish like so many others here that I did. I am so sorry. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. You know I am here for you if there is ever anything I can do. Hugs Chris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma's kid Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Oh Grace, I don't have any words of wisdom or much to offer, except hugs and prayers for you all. I hope it helps some for you to come here because we definitely are here for you. Gentle hugs and holding you close Libby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 (((Grace))), Allow all of us to carry some of this load. We are all propping you up! Many prayers offered for all of you. Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mskim Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 ((((((((((((((Grace))))))))))))))) I am hoping to help lift you with my prayers too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Grace, I'm sending prayers to you. I know this must be a hard time for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trish2418 Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Prayers for you and the entire family. Trish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharonjo Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Grace, I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEA Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 (((Grace))) Keeping you and your family in my prayers and hoping tomorrow is better. Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 How you are feeling is understandable. And I have to tell you, I consider LCSC therapy too. Counseling did not work for me. Anti-depressants help. But LCSC saves my sanity! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristicaregiver Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 Grace, big hugs to you. That is a huge tremendous load. Do you have help with the kids. You need to get some rest even if it's sleeping with your husband. Is it guilt that is wearing on you, lack of sleep, perhaps resentment towards this nasty disease. If so; try to admit it out loud to a safe person other than your hubby. Because if you don't it will manifest into something else and rear it's ugly head later. I only say that as a mom who cared for my mom and left my husband to care for my two girls for 4.5 mos and it was so hard and you are trying to be supermom and do the right thing when really it's killing you inside. Just know it's ok to feel all that you are. You are the catalyst of the family and that's a huge load. Wish we could all help you carry it. Hugs, K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michelepal Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 Grace, I will pray for you and your Family! I so sorry you have to carry this burden.. many hugs coming your way!! Love, Michele Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welthy Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 Grace, I'm so sorry you are going through the "lows" right now. I think it is the grind of doing this for such an extended period of time. I don't have little ones anymore, but my big ones still give me enough to worry about on top of taking care of my husband. It all gets jumbled. Tony is feeling well right now and his quality of life is good, but I think about the days 4-5 months ago when he was just a little ghost of himself and I remember feeling like I was already alone. He didn't talk, didn't move, slept all the time, etc. Now we are seeing some mental issues (late chemo-brain??) with him --- BUT I'm also having the same types of problems and it scares the bejeebees out of me. I lost my ability to type without looking like I'm totally dyslexic and making all kinds of mental errors that I've never done before. Soooo, now Tony and I look at each other and don't know whose brain to depend on anymore, because neither of us trust our own brains! I'm already on anti-depressants and am thankful that Tony's past depression was apparently chemo-related. I'm babbling, but wanted you to know that I completely understand how you are feeling and am so sorry. Hopefully things will get better and you will see a rally for Carlton (and you!) Many warm fuzzies coming your way, Welthy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carolhg Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 I am so very, very sorry for all that you have to endure. (((((((((Prayers))))))))))))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TamHol Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 I'm sorry you have to go threw this ... your obviously a person who examines everything and that is a hard habit or urge to break. You've got everything in perspective and I don't see you as scattered brian etc. I don't think your doing anything out of the ordinary for your personality .... but do try hard to only worry about what is in front of you. You can't worry about what maybe around the corner or spontaniously pulled out of the hat. You don't know if you'll need that information or have that experience ... or if it won't get better. Charish the moment you have now .... now he's doing OK ...... he doesn't have the get up an go ... but he's there and right in front of you. It's hard to do that, especially if you are a "one step ahead" kind of a person .... which I am. I had to learn that I am the only person that looks this far ahead. Looks at all the possibilities so I won't be caught with my pants down or surprised when the wind shifts. But that is me, my preferrance and my "happy place" ..... but I have to restrain myself from REACTING to that information. Right now it's only information .... it's not reality! Hope any of that helps ........ Tammy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welthy Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 TamHol----It's hard to do that, especially if you are a "one step ahead" kind of a person .... which I am. I had to learn that I am the only person that looks this far ahead. Looks at all the possibilities so I won't be caught with my pants down or surprised when the wind shifts. But that is me, my preferrance and my "happy place" ..... but I have to restrain myself from REACTING to that information. Right now it's only information .... it's not reality! Very well said and I imagine right on the nose with how many of us feel. Welthy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.